Divorce Busting

I have been doing marriage therapy for nearly three decades.  And one thing is for sure- people experiencing marital difficulties wait a long time before they get help.  In fact, research shows that, on average, people wait six years before seeking marriage therapy.  Furthermore, many, if not most people never receive help; they run right over to a divorce attorney’s office. And when you think about the impact divorce has on their lives and that of their children, I find this to be a devastating finding.

What should people in the throes of marriage problems do instead?  Get help when things start going downhill.  Nip things in the bud. And if you’re wondering how to know when your marriage is headed for trouble, read on.

1. You’re thinking about having an affair

There are many reasons you may be tempted to have an affair. They may want the excitement that comes from a new relationship.  They may want passionate sex with a different partner. They may be longing for attention and appreciation.  They may enjoy risk-taking.  They may be longing to connect with someone who they think is more similar to them.  They might want to escape daily responsibilities and routines. There is no shortage of reasons people stray.

Regardless of the reasons people are unfaithful, affairs signal trouble in marriages.  Going outside the marriage does not solve marital unhappiness.  In fact, affairs often create unintended problems.  Once emotional energy goes outside a marriage, the issues needing to be repaired take a back seat. Problems linger and become worse.  Lies, deceit and the guilt and shame that is often a by-product lead to avoidance and separateness.   Suspicions run high.  Trust corrodes.

If your marriage wasn’t in trouble before the decision to stray, it will be.  And healing from infidelity isn’t for sissies.  It’s extremely hard work.  It takes time, dedication, persistence and personal strength.

Know that if you’re even considering being unfaithful, it often signals something is wrong with your relationship.  There are solutions to those problems, even if you have not been successful in unearthing them so far.  Assume your extra-marital fantasies are merely strong signs you need to do what it takes to get your marriage on track.

2. You fight about the same thing over and over and over

Let’s face it.  Marriage and conflict go hand in hand.  It’s impossible for two people to live under the same roof without arguing from time to time.  That, in and of itself, is not a problem.  And although there are many problems in marriage that can never truly be completely resolved, if you find yourselves having the same argument over and over and over with no appreciation of your partner’s point of view and contempt at the end of the fight, you may be headed for trouble.

Your marriage will become very unpleasant and you will begin to focus on the negatives of your relationship.  Or you will avoid spending time together.  You will begin to feel defeated and hopeless.  You might start to wonder if you are in the wrong relationship.  This, without question, should be a red flag.

3. Escalating fights

In addition to having the same fights, when these arguments grow in intensity over time, you should be wary.  Sometimes, escalating fights can result in either verbal or physical abuse, both of which are unacceptable.  If you notice that your fights are becoming more and more hurtful, there may be deeper underlying causes that are not being addressed.  Or the lack of communication skills might be preventing loving outcomes.  Either way, fights that become increasingly hostile should be taken very seriously.

4. Spending less time together

When my book Divorce Busting was published, countless reporters wanted to know the number one cause for the breakdown in marriages today.  The answer to their question was obvious.  Couples aren’t spending enough time together. Everything is more important than setting aside sacred time for one another. Whether it’s the kids, work, friends, hobbies, relatives, and so on, everything seems to take precedence over the relationship.  When this happens, couples stop being friends and their emotional connection suffers.  They begin leading separate lives.

I have worked with many people who have let their marriages slip away because of “doing their own things.”  Unless they’re willing to reprioritize what’s truly important- time together- their marriage will remain in the danger zone.

5. Focusing more on kids than each other

Our culture has become very kid-centric, meaning we place our children in the center of our lives.  We make them our number one priority.  There are many reasons we do this. Perhaps we felt neglected as children and we want to give our own children better lives. We see everyone else- friends, neighbors, relatives- doing it and we feel compelled to do the same. We are busy with work and feel that all of our free time should be spent with our children, and so on.

Although on the surface of things, these reasons make perfect sense.  However, when we live our lives this way, our marriages suffer.  We become strangers to our spouses.  We feel more connected to our children than our partners.  That explains why empty nesters are still divorcing in droves.  Once the children leave home, the relationship void feels overwhelming.

I always tell couples that the best thing they can do for their children is to make the marriage the most important thing in their lives.  Children benefit enormously when their parents have loving, close relationships.  Plus, it makes marital longevity more likely. But most importantly, it models for children what good marriages are all about.

If you find yourself or your spouse paying more attention to your children than each other, stop, and switch gears.  That will put your marriage on safer ground.

6. Having little or no sex

It’s not uncommon for one spouse to have a lower sex drive than the other.  This, in and of itself, is not a sign that your marriage is in trouble.  When this does become a problem, however, is when the spouse with lower desire refuses to care about the higher desire spouse’s feelings and rejects most, if not all, sexual advances.  This can result in the spouse with the higher desire feeling hurt, rejected, deflated, emotionally disconnected, angry and desperate.

Once someone experiences these feelings, a multitude of things can happen.  The spouses can stop being friends, spending time together, connecting emotionally, and enjoying each other’s company. They can also begin fighting a great deal, sometimes about sex and sometimes about other things.  When they fight about other things, it might be a symptom of the deeper problem- being disconnected sexually.

If your relationship is sex-starved, you or your spouse should re-examine the reasons it’s happening and do whatever it takes to bring back the passion in your marriage.  Even if it’s slow going in the beginning, you have to start somewhere.  Allowing your sexual differences to divide you often puts a marriage at risk of infidelity or divorce.

7. Talking strictly about superficial topics

Although not everybody feels this way, for some, talking is the best way to feel emotionally connected. And if you’re someone who feels connected through words, not just any words will do.  Meaningful, heartfelt conversations hit the mark. When couples don’t make time to talk- find out about each other’s days, discuss important matters about loved ones, dream together about the future, talk about vulnerable feelings- the marriage can seem perfunctory or superficial.

When partners have different “talk” needs, the person who has less of a need to talk usually has the greatest influence on what happens in that marriage. The “talker” feels hurt, frustrated and alone.  Sometimes, in order to “fix” things, the talker talks about his or her unhappiness, which is the last thing the other spouse wants to discuss.  So, they become at odds with one another.  This often causes spouses to shut down and go into separate corners, which leads to loneliness and unhappiness.

If you or your spouse needs to have open, meaningful conversation on a regular basis, it behooves you both to set aside time to engage in frequent heartfelt discussions.  Reluctance to do so is risky for your relationship.

Do you recognize yourself, your spouse or your marriage when you read through the seven warning signs? Don’t despair.  There is a great deal that you can do to bolster your relationship.  But don’t be complacent.  Heed these warnings.  And when you do, your marriage will be a healthier and happier place to be.

As a liberal, card-carrying Democrat, I am nonetheless appalled by the Pamela White’s article “Defending Divorce.” When nearly one out of every two marriages ends in divorce, divorce hardly needs defending. Beside that, the article is filled with erroneous assumptions and information, which I would like to debunk.

To consider it to be “meddling” that a proposed law requiring couples with children to take a class about the impact of divorce and to have a “cooling off” period prior to divorcing, demonstrates no appreciation for the havoc divorce leaves in its wake. Children have no veto power in a decision that will forever alter their lives. Minimally, parents should learn about the insidious ways divorce effects their children.

In regards to the proposed waiting period, the author writes, “Once two people have decided they can’t stand the sight of each other, there’s really no place to go.” As a therapist specializing in work with couples on the brink for nearly three decades, I know that divorce is almost always a unilateral decision, leaving the desperate spouse in the dust. “Left-behind” spouses will jump at the opportunity to slow things down.

Additionally, though there are many unhealthy marriages, the author assumes there are only two ways to handle this dilemma- get out or stay miserable. But there’s another way- improve relationships so people feel happier and more connected. There is marriage-friendly therapy and evidenced-based marriage education classes that truly change the dynamics of failing relationships.

Should this legislation pass, the author worries that women will get stuck in psychologically abusive relationships with alcoholic, controlling husbands. Research suggests that severe problems account for only 10 to 15% of all divorces. Other divorces are due to garden variety problems- poor communication, growing apart or an inability to manage conflict- all of which are solvable.

The author also refers to a valid statistic that more women than men file for divorce, but her hypothesis about why this happens- women’s unfair share of housework and childcare, infidelity, money problems-is off base. Most women leave because they feel emotionally neglected despite years of trying to get their husbands to be more responsive. Again, with help, these problems are resolvable.

Divorce should not be looked at as a jailbreak from prison. Research tells us that, contrary to popular belief, people in long-term healthy marriages live longer, are healthier, happier and do significantly better financially. Their children do better across countless dimensions.

So before jumping to the conclusion that putting a beat between the decision to divorce and moving out is Big Brother in action, consider the benefits of spouses working things out, keeping their families intact and tucking kids in at night…together.

Michele Weiner-Davis is a best selling author, internationally renowned marriage therapist, and award winning speaker who has dedicated the last 30+ years of her life to preventing unnecessary divorces.  Get her latest advice on Facebook, Twitter, and join the Divorce Busting e-mail list.

When your marriage is on the rocks, you start to wonder how relationship goals that require two people’s active participation apply to you. You read articles about setting goals for the new year and you feel downtrodden and left out.  In fact, even thinking about the new year can be emotional for you. After all, this is the time we think about starting new things, not ending them.

But don’t despair.  Here at the Divorce Busting Center, I’ve developed a method that truly helps individuals to improve relationships single-handedly.  It also is designed to help you feel better so that you can apply principles that work instead of giving up.  That’s why I decided to write Ten New Year’s Resolutions for Divorce Busters, those people who don’t have the luxury of their partner’s support. Here are ten goals that you can accomplish yourself in 2012.

1. Envision positive outcomes

There is no way that you can begin to accomplish positive change your marriage if you don’t believe it is possible. Start by imagining what your life will be like when your marriage truly turns a corner. The more you can picture every detail, the easier it will be to eventually step into this picture at some later date.

2. Act as if you expect miracles to occur

Once you can imagine positive outcomes, reflect on how you will be behaving differently when they happen. Then start doing that right now!

3. Be kind, even if you think your spouse doesn’t deserve it

You may be angry, disappointed, or even devastated by your spouse’s choices and actions. However, rather than react to unsettling behavior, assume your spouse is lost and confused. Be patient, kind and steady and your efforts will pay off.

4. Focus on small, positive changes

Don’t expect big changes overnight or you will be disappointed and it will make it hard to stay on track. Imagine the smallest change possible that would signal a shift in how things have been going. Then focus on that.

5. Promise yourself this will be a great year, no matter what

You can not control what your spouse does, but you can control what you decide to do with yourself and your children , if you have them. Take a deep breath and envision how you are going to make this a good year regardless of your spouse’s choices.

6. Exercise your worry away

The most popular New Year’s Resolution is to join a health club and exercise to become more fit. That is well and good. For you, exercise will be a lifesaver. It will help to assuage worries, feel good about yourself and increase feel-good hormones like endorphins. Go for it!

7. Do one new thing you enjoy

Don’t become stale just because you are having a shaky time in your marriage. Novelty will stimulate your brain and maybe even your heart and help you have a more positive outlook about the future.

8. Make sure you have quality time with your children or other loved ones.  Be present.

Many times, when people are teetering on the brink of divorce, their pain makes them become self-absorbed and staying the moment becomes and challenging task. You will never be able to do your children’s childhood again, so do your best to be with them mentally when you’re with them.

9. If you get off track, get back on quickly without self-blame

What separates the winners from the losers is not whether or how many times you get off track, it’s how rapidly you get back on track. If you’ve veered from the Divorce Busting plan, hop right back on track without self-recrimination.

10. Do activities that help you rediscover serenity

Meditate, pray, hike in the mountains or watch a sky full of shooting stars. On a regular basis, do whatever it takes to bring you back to yourself. You and everyone around will benefit from your peacefulness.

Michele Weiner-Davis is the founder of the Divorce Busting Center and best selling author of “Divoce Busting”, “The Divorce Remedy”, and “The Sex-Starved Marriage”.  Subscribe to the Divorce Busting Newsletter to get exclusive marriage saving offers and first access to Michele’s latest work.

Continued from Part 1

Your attempts at change were halfhearted

Sometimes when there is a lack of improvement, it is because when you’ve experimented with a technique, you only did halfheartedly.  If your heart isn’t in it when you approach your spouse, your spouse will think you are acting and will immediately see through what you’re trying to do.  S/he might feel manipulated, and therefore, not respond in a positive manner.

If doing things halfheartedly fails to bring about good results, why do people do it?  Sometimes it’s because the technique they choose doesn’t feel right to them.  They’re just doing it because they think they should.  That’ not a good reason to do anything.   You need to feel comfortable with what you’re doing.  It must make sense to you. You have to get behind what you’re doing.  If a particular technique feels artificial, choose something else.

Another reason people do things halfheartedly is that, although they might not be admitting it to themselves, they are still playing the blame game.  They don’t really want to accept responsibility for tipping over the first domino.  They still want their spouses to change first.  So, they go through the motions of change but don’t allow themselves to fully get into their new solution-oriented modes.

If you have been feeling lukewarm about the strategies you’ve been using, I want you to be totally honest and ask yourself, “Am I still holding out hope that my spouse will see the light and change first?”  Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you are really working on your marriage if that little inner voice is shouting, “S/he’s wrong, let him/her change first.”  You are only wasting time.  You first need to rid yourself of that distraction before you can do anything constructive about your marriage.  Unless you put your heart and soul into changing your marriage and stop keeping score, your marriage will be in exactly the same place five years from now that it is now, or you will have no marriage at all.

You reverted to your old ways

In this case, it is clear that the technique you’re using has some merit, but you accidentally slid back into your old ways, thereby prompting your spouse to do the same.  Then, when you observe both of you doing the same old thing, you incorrectly assume that what you are doing isn’t working and you get discouraged.  In reality, it’s not that the technique you are using isn’t working, it’s just that it doesn’t work when you don’t use it! Here’s an example.

Through using this program, Andrea and Wally figured out that they got along a lot better when they used a budget to guide their financial expenditures.  For a long time they were doing just that.  Their finances improved and they were getting along famously.  As a result, with each passing week, they found themselves becoming more and more lax about doing sticking to their budget.  After all, they told themselves, “How will this one little extravagant purchase hurt?”  So they started splurging a little.  One small purchase turned into another small purchase, and before they knew it, their spending was out of control again.  Their fighting resumed with a vengeance.

Andrea and Wally felt discouraged and assumed that their budget wasn’t working until they realized that the real problem wasn’t that their budget hadn’t worked, but that they had become lax in their efforts to stick to it.  With a little reminder, they were up and running again, and they got back on track.

Back to you for a moment.  If at any time during your participating in this program you noticed even slight improvements, it means you were doing something worthwhile.  If the progress has slowed or even halted, it means you’ve probably stopped doing what works.  Force yourself to resume doing what was working and see if that makes a difference.  It probably will.

Need help in your marriage? Don’t leave your future to chance.  Talk to a Divorce Busting Coach today.

Question:

Michele,

I really love my husband.  We are on the brink of divorce.  For about 4 years now he has told me that he doesn’t love me 10 times, 4 times just the last year.  I am really hurt by this and can’t get past the fact that he does this.  He says he says it when he is mad, but I feel if that were true then he would show me he loves me when he isn’t being mean.  Most of the time it happens when he is TDY or deployed.  But it happened again last weekend.  I told him I can’t keep hearing it-it hurts me too bad and he keeps promising not to say it and still does. I don’t know what to do, how to get past the hurtful things he says.  On top of it we have had sex two times this year.  He says he doesn’t feel connected to me and no matter what I have tried (positive and unfort. negative) it doesn’t work.  We have twin 6 year old girls, they are great kids, and we are able to get alone time.   Any suggestions Thanks.

Sue

Answer:

It is that “Sticks and stone will break my bones but names will never harm me,” and nothing could be further than the truth.  Words do sting.  A lot.  But your husband isn’t taking you seriously.  Your words aren’t getting through to him.  Sometimes, especially with men, and especially with action-oriented men like your military man, you need to take action and stop talking.  He needs to feel that he might lose you if he keeps up this insensitive and unkind behavior.

I wonder if there is a place you can go with your girls if he tells you he doesn’t love you anymore?  Do you have a friend or relative you can visit for a while?  Also, if her pursues you when you are gone- which he might- you can tell him that your asexual relationship isn’t working for you either.  Let him know that you need more intimacy and closeness.

Furthermore,  tell him that you are getting used to being on your own and that you are doing ok without him.  Then watch how he responds.  If he comes closer, make sure that you are tough with him.  Hold the line.  If he pulls away, you can always reverse your position.  But chance are, getting tough will be a better way to approach this situation.  I bet you’re ready to do this anyway!

Look for support offered to you through he military.  Sometimes there are very good resource available to military spouses!

Hang in there,

Michele

If you have reached an impasse in your marriage-saving efforts, you will want to read this three-part series because it will help you diagnose the reasons you might be stuck. Don’t despair, just make sure you read this and the next two parts!

So, why haven’t you seen change in your marriage yet? Let’s take a look at a few possible reasons.

You Haven’t Given a Method Sufficient Time to Work Before Trying Something Else

It is often the case that, if a technique doesn’t yield immediate results, people jump ship too quickly. Although this is completely understandable, it’s unproductive.  It’s my experience that you should probably stick with something for at least a couple of weeks unless it is clear that you are getting negative results.   Then, of course, you should quit immediately.  But don’t let your impatient get in the way of your being systematic about improving your marriage.  You need to give things a chance to work.

This is especially true if you and your spouse are separated and you don’t have much contact.  In that case, even if the method you’re using is going to be effective, it will definitely take longer to show positive results than it would if the two of you were together.  Your spouse simply doesn’t have enough opportunities to witness you changing.  So, don’t get discouraged and start trying a little of this and a little of that.  If you do, you won’t really get a true reading about the effectiveness of any technique.

The Strategy Chosen Isn’t Different Enough From Your Usual Approach

When people are stuck, I ask them what they’ve tried and they tell me, “I’ve tried everything.”  No one has ever tried everything.  It only feels that way.

But what people have done, is that they’ve tried many, many variations of the same technique.  For example, a woman tried asking her husband nicely to change when that didn’t work, she pleaded, begged, threatened, and cried.  Nothing she said ever made a difference.  So she decided to take a communication class where she learned how to express herself more effectively.  She did well in class and mastered the skills.  But when she went home and tried them out on her husband, he still responded the same old way.  She felt frustrated and at her wit’s end.

If you asked her, this woman would tell you that she tried everything.  But if you look at what she did very carefully, what you’ll notice is that all of her efforts fall under the same general category.  Despite the subtle difference in her approach, her husband knew one thing and one thing only.  “My wife is constantly harping on me when she talks.”  It didn’t matter how she said what she said, or the level of emotion that she said it with- to her husband, words were words.

Although your pet strategy may not be words, I want you to mull over this example and see if you are making the same kind of mistake.  When you try something new is it really new or is it merely a variation of thing you’ve tried that hasn’t worked?  I have equipped you with a series of helpful techniques for bringing about change with your spouse: Do Something Different, Act As If, Easier Done Than Said, The Medium is In The Message, and Do a 180.  Find one that is radically different from what you’ve been doing.  Even if it seems a little odd for you to try it out, do it anyway.  Give yourself permission to be creative.  Ask yourself, “Have I had any zany ideas about what might work but have held myself back from trying them?” What are they?

Don’t hold back a moment longer.  Go for it.  Remember, when I say, “Do something different,” I mean different.

You’re overlooking the small signs of change

One of the reasons you may not be noting any improvement in your marriage is that you are overlooking the small signs of change.  I know how easy this is to do.  You want to feel so much closer to your spouse and you’re looking for those blatant telltale signs that your marriage is headed for higher ground.  You’re hoping for obvious expressions of love and tenderness.  But in your eagerness to feel that your marriage is healed, it’s entirely possible that you have been oblivious to the small positive things that have happened that are really harbingers of things to come.  You fail to notice the less obvious, small acts of kindness, which are really the building blocks for what comes next.

If you’ve failed to notice these mini-steps, it’s like missing a street sign when you’re going to a party.  You won’t realize that you’ve been going in the right direction and you will feel  lost.  Without recognizing and appreciating that you’re moving in the right direction, you wont feel encouraged to keep going.

Or perhaps you have noticed a few small things have improved but you’ve told yourself, “No big deal.”  In other words, since the changes weren’t monumental, they weren’t worth getting excited about.  That kind of attitude will prevent you from moving farther.  Every little step is a big deal and you should think about it that way.  It will help you keep your stamina up.  If you’re guilty of downplaying the significance of small changes, here’s your new mantra: “Little steps are a big deals.”  Got that?  It’s really important that you slow down and be patient.

Finally, you may have been telling yourself not to get too excited about small steps forward because you don’t want to feel a false sense of hope.  If I were in your shoes, I’d probably feel exactly the same way, but it’s unproductive.  Allow yourself to notice and feel encouraged by the small signs.  You need to feel hope.  While it’s true that there are no guarantees about the future, if things don’t work out the way you hope, you’ll deal with it then.  For now, think positively.  Remember the self-fulfilling prophecy is a very powerful phenomenon.