Well, let me tell you my story. Me-43 Wife-39 Married-18 yrs. Son-10, autistic Daughter-13
Problems started about 12 years ago, my wife was diagnosed with post partum depression after my daughters birth. She never received any treatment. Shortly after that my son was born and we found out that he was autistic. My wife went off the deep end. She blamed herself, became depressed and obsessed with my son. Raising an autistic child is very challenging especially 10 years ago when their was little information available. We were running in circles between the school system and the medical field trying to get information and help. Both systems made things worse. Each giving us different and inconsistent information. We didn't know what to do and this was very difficult on us both but especially my wife. Added to that my son was very difficult as a baby. He would sleep only about 2-4 hours a night and my wife would be up often with him. She stopped working so that she could be at home more. I would do what I could, but working a 12 hour swing shift made it hard. Also, she didn't trust that anyone could care for him properly, not even me. So when I would spend time taking care of him she would always be right over my shoulder anyway. At that time our relationship was stressed but manageable. My wife has always been somewhat high strung/high maintenance but all of her other qualities easily offset this. We would argue at times but would always soon make up. As my son got older my wife became more and more stressed out and obsessed with him. This went on for years. Things totally began to fall apart about four years ago when my wife was sexually assaulted. The police never found the guy and this completely changed my wife. She went into a deep depression. She quit her job and sat around the house for two years. I did everything I could to be supportive. I have always done most of the cooking, cleaning, and bill paying but now I had to do everything. She was literally a zombie. I tried to get her to go to counseling but she refused. I finally talked her into going to a family therapist with me but she soon quit. As expected we soon had sexually problems. Just the thought of sex made her relive the nightmare all over again. I told her that I understood and that I would live without intercourse as long as we could still be intimate in other ways. She agreed to this. We continued like this for about two years. Things continued to get worse. She was still suffering from depression. Her doctor told her that, the therapist told her that and it was obvious for me to see. She displayed all of the classic symptoms. One day she told me that she could not be intimate with me in any way at all. She had been forcing herself to do things that she hated and it brought back too many bad memories. She then decided that she was going to take her life back. She started working again, decided to go back to school, and started hanging out with friends and family. She started going to clubs, (which is something that neither of us were ever really into, and never went without each other) and lying to me about her whereabouts. She has become totally obsessed with herself and her life. She progressively began to distance herself away from me and told be that I was controlling and held her back, that she sacrificed everything she wanted because of me. I was totally shocked and flabbergasted. I have always supported her and encouraged her to be progressive, to go to school, and to try to advance her career. She would never follow through. She dropped the bomb on me about a year ago when she said that she wanted a divorce. She goes back and forth from threatening to leave soon to staying until my daughter is 18 (5 yrs from now). She won't talk to me, won't allow me to touch her at all, moved into the kids rooms, stopped attending our religious services (which we both were very active in our entire lives). She stopped associating with our mutual friends and basically views me as the devil. I am completely blown away by all of this. I have done EVERYTHING within my power for her and the kids. To this day I do most of everything around the house. I just finished reading divorce busting and loved it. But I am overwhelmed and don't know where to start. Some suggestions please.
Me-47 WAW-42 D-16 S-14 M-22 yrs T-19 yrs ILYBNILWY-3 years ago. Full Story and original posts: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...066#Post1781066
Let me "welcome" you to the club that nobody VOLUNTEERED to sign up for but its a great place to be at this time. You will find a lot of helpful people here.
I am still new to DB so my advice may be limited but others will jump in soon. I just wanted to reach out because I know how anxious you feel right now.
Is your wife on medication? Have you spoken to a doctor about whether any of these changes may be for medical reasons? Do you suspect that she is involved with someone else?
It must be a very hard time for you and the kids. It sounds like you have been very supportive throughout the years.
The experienced DBusters will give you some good advice but for starters here are two simple suggestions:
- I would suggest that you continue to meet your kids needs but begin to FOCUS on you and nurture yourself. What can you do that makes you happy and will not take you away from your parenting duties? Take care of yourself by exercising etc as this will put you in a more positive frame of mind. Keep praying. The caregiver needs care as well.
- If you pursue her (see DB books) you should probably stop. No R talk etc.
What steps have you taken over the past year to address the issues on your M? Let us know as that will help with responses.
Thanks for your reply, I really appreciate it. No, my wife REFUSES to even consider medication. I tried suggesting that and her response was, "Their is no magic pill". Personally, I think she should have tried some type of medication. Her thinking is simply not rational. But I think that her doctor put a negative spin on medication. I seriously doubt that she is involed with anyone else. After the assuault she has had a "hate all men" mentality. Plus, sex is a real issue for her. To help the marriage over the years I have tried to focus more on her needs and wants. We have tried counseling twice but she quit both times. Plus I now think that we were going to the wrong type counselors. I've talked to the leaders in my congregation for support. They have tried to encourage her as well. Nothing seems to help. She is totally absorded in herself. I believe she has gotten advice from anti-men, overly liberal women who push women to empower themselves at all costs. She has always been independant, which is one thing that attracted me to her, but now she is out of control. She is totally absorbed in her career because she thinks that it will lead to happiness. She is even putting it before the kids at times.
Me-47 WAW-42 D-16 S-14 M-22 yrs T-19 yrs ILYBNILWY-3 years ago. Full Story and original posts: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...066#Post1781066
She basically ignores me. She comes and goes without speaking. Refuses any chit-chat. She will only talk to me about the kids, bills, household things, etc. She is basically oblivious to my existence. She tends to be a little nicer on the phone though. She will watch tv in a different room. She will go to dinner or the movies as a family but won't say much. She goes to work, I do most of the cooking and cleaning and recreation with the kids. She comes home, plops in front of the tv, talks on the cell phone, complains and screams at the kids at times. She spends 75% of the weekend on the sofa and the rest with the kids at the movies, inlaws, mall, etc. She has no interest in my life at all. In her mind I'm the enemy for some reason.
Me-47 WAW-42 D-16 S-14 M-22 yrs T-19 yrs ILYBNILWY-3 years ago. Full Story and original posts: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...066#Post1781066
Who is the most important person in this situation?
Your wife! Your kids!
NOPE.
You.
You have no control over your wife's condition. She's the one who has to get out of her head, seek help. What happened is incredibly traumatic, with each pregnancy the level of postpartum depression increases. A severe emotional trauma opens the door for every trauma experienced. Someone can get stuck treading water in a cesspool of self pity without realizing it.
It's always easier trying to 'fix' the other person than to focus on yourself.
Take care of you. Go to counseling, learn how to set boundaries, and actionable steps for you to get healthier.
Get healthy in mind, body and spirit. The rest will follow.
I am very nice to her. I know that she needs help so I try to be loving and considerate. Since I've completed reading DB book I have stopped pursuing, (calling at work, asking about whereabouts, etc). She works but doesn't really contribute consistently to the household financially. I try to include her in family activities. I am never hostile with her. I regularly put her and the kids before me.
Me-47 WAW-42 D-16 S-14 M-22 yrs T-19 yrs ILYBNILWY-3 years ago. Full Story and original posts: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...066#Post1781066
I'm not even sure what my boundaries are. At one point I knew exactly what I wanted, what I would and would not except or tolerate. Those lines have seemed to blur over the last year. When she does something that bothers me I will let her know. Most times she ignores me. In her mind she doesn't ever do anything wrong, I'm always over re-acting. I really don't know how to appoach this. Any suggestions?
Me-47 WAW-42 D-16 S-14 M-22 yrs T-19 yrs ILYBNILWY-3 years ago. Full Story and original posts: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...066#Post1781066
