I see this concept talked about a lot, hard to understand and difficult to implement. I think a discussion of what detachment is and how to effectively use it would be beneficial to most of us. I will take a shot at it and encourage others to chime in. There are some good resources on the web (livestrong.com) and Al-Anon uses detachment as does co-dependendence literature.
To me detachment means letting go of outcomes. I don't control the outcome so I shouldn't place my worth on the result. Doesn't mean stop caring, not trying, not having a plan, or giving up. I am solely in control of myself. If I do my best, I did all I could at the time then it has to be enough. I can learn from the experience and improve the process for future experiences.
How to practice detachment? Figure out the worst thing that could happen to you? (Spiers Doctrine - "The only hope you have is to accept the fact that you're already dead. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be able to function as a soldier is supposed to function.") So the only thing that matters is are you doing the right thing. It easier to make a plan, take action and be brave when you aren't afraid of the outcome, you can't get hurt if you are already dead.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Based on your description of detachment, I am there. Maybe, I have had the concept wrong all along? Just today, on my thread I said that I need to detach more, but am I wrong? Or is it wrong to want to seem detached? In fact, by wanting to seem detahced - am I therfore not?
Wow..I typed that and it confuses me. I hope that makes sense.
I didn't try to compete with OM. I had no intention of lowering myself to that. As far as I was concerned, I treated my marriage like it was already over, and started working on ME. Going to the gym, joined a softball team, going to friday happy hours with my buds that I had neglected. Reconnecting with my parents and my siblings and my God.
If you've ever followed SmileyPerson's thread, it's what he calls "acting like you're already dead," I think a reference from either Saving Private Ryan or Band of Brothers, I"m not sure which.
I had to realize (and it took a month to six weeks) that I CANNOT CONTROL MY SPOUSE. Then I also realized one day that I DIDN'T WANT TO. She is an adult, and she will do what she will do, and all I can do is establish my own boundaries, learn to enforce them, and become the best Puppy that I can be.
I also learned to -- in every situation -- STOP acting from a position of: "If I do (or say) this, how will she react? Will she be angry? How will her reaction make ME feel?" ... and instead, operate from a standpoint of "What is THE RIGHT THING TO DO in this situation? What is the thing that GOD HIMSELF would have me do, if He were standing right in front of me?"
Once I learned to do that, and learned to withstand my wife's blowback and anger ... and still stand ... it was very, VERY liberating.
So what I did was work on me. I treated her civilly -- like a co-worker, or a roommate. I was considerate, and polite, and friend-LY, but I was NOT her friend, much less her BEST friend (which we had always been). I lived my life, and I let her know what I would and would not tolerate (like no texting OM in front of me or our kids, for instance). And I moved on down the path.
At first, I'd keep looking over my shoulder, to see if she was following me. But eventually, I'd only stop every mile or so to peek, and then pretty soon I was just walking alone. Still praying for her -- and US -- every day, but walking down my own path, and shining a light back toward our marriage.
I think the mistake most people make in DBing is that they tend to be either one extreme or another. Either they're scorched-earth, kick 'em-to-the-curb, treat them angrily, -- or -- they are total doormats, trying to "win them back" by rubbing their feet, and being their best friend, and supplicating.
Neither works, in my opinion.
You have to walk THE MIDDLE ROAD, of loving detachment, of strong boundaries and courteous strength and character. At first, it didn't feel natural, so it was like a character, or a "coat" that I'd put on. But eventually, it became my own skin.
We can help you with that.
Puppy _________________________
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I would add that, in my experience, detaching is a process rather than an event that occurs in an instant...it is deciding to let go...to stop basing one's moods, sense of self, or self worth on the actions, words, thoughts and feelings of another; it is releasing oneself from that dependency and releasing one's spouse/significant other/child (whomever one is overly attached to) from that unfair responsibility.
After one makes some headway with the letting go part, the acceptance of the responsibility for one's own happiness, sense of self worth, all of that, is the next step of the process and I think it flows naturally from the first step of letting go.
I will also add that this is/was not easy. At least, it was not at all easy for me so I hope people will be kind to themselves as they learn to do this. It is worth the effort as it is incredibly liberating.
I will add that, as Coach put it, it is a practice. To me this means one has to work at it a bit every day to maintain it. This is how one stays a truly independent, healthy, self-reliant individual with something to contribute to the world and another person.
I think a necessary facet of detachment is the process of disconnecting one's own sense of self-worth and even *basic identity* from the opinions/actions of one's spouse. "Believe none of what they say and only half of what they do" is only the first step. You can't successfully detach while your self-image is still in any way in their keeping.
This is NOT the same thing as "not giving a sh*t what they think". It's not asserting that you are great the way you are and might not have productive changes to make. It's refusing to let them decide FOR YOU whether or not you're a decent caring, spouse/parent/sexual partner/friend. It's caring about their needs and emotions while simultaneously realizing that you are a perfectly valid (not perfect; valid) human being with or without them, their love, their, cooperation, or their approval.
Classic Schnarchian differentiation, IOW.
Last edited by Kettricken; 10/08/0908:07 PM.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
It's caring about their needs and emotions while simultaneously realizing that you are a perfectly valid (not perfect; valid) human being with or without them, their love, their, cooperation, or their approval.
One of the things my wife (Greek) told me that has stuck with me is that, "God didn't put me on this earth to be your wife, he put me here to be the best Greek I can be."
Kinda of the Ying-Yang symbol, complement each not complete each other. Once you see the other as a unique person it helps with the differentiation. Where you stop and they start.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
It's caring about their needs and emotions while simultaneously realizing that you are a perfectly valid (not perfect; valid) human being with or without them, their love, their, cooperation, or their approval.
One of the things my wife (Greek) told me that has stuck with me is that, "God didn't put me on this earth to be your wife, he put me here to be the best Greek I can be."
Kinda of the Ying-Yang symbol, complement each not complete each other. Once you see the other as a unique person it helps with the differentiation. Where you stop and they start.
Yep. Or, as Rocky said, about his relationship with 'Yo Adrian': "I dunno, she's got gaps, I got gaps, together we fill gaps."
It occurred to me during my ordeal that being detached is similar to a R with a friend, which is very different than a R with a spouse. Although I care deeply about my friends, what they do and what they think just doesn't have power over my feelings about myself, at least not usually. That's the way I try to think about my W. That's detachment. I still love her and care for her, but she has her own life and I have mine. Her actions don't personally affect me. I'm in control of me.
