WAW in second ongoing A

[MHL]

This will be long but I have not seen many short stories since getting on the DB site in September.

I have been married 16 years, been together for 18 years have 2 beautiful children, D 13 and S 9. I am 42 my W is 42. I thought our marriage was good not great but was getting better until March of this year when we had a big fight and she mention the D word but said her mother talked her out of it. I knew then I had to change but what I did not realize is that it was already too late. Over the last 18 months prior to our argument in March 2009 she had contacted her first boyfriend from childhood, and had other inappropriate email and phone contact with other men, and at least one night at the beach with the girls from the neighborhood where she danced, kissed, and otherwise flirted with a man. Basically was on a slippery slope downward on her way to a full blown MLC. Of course, I had no idea like most H that anything was wrong. In fact last summer of 2008 I felt like we were on our honeymoon again. Kids are older and can stay with family week at a time and were gone 5 weeks during last summer allowing us time together. We went out on dates, spent time together and the sex was better than ever in a long time. Later she told me that all the times we were having great sex she was thinking of her first boyfriend, ouch.

In May of 2009 she went on her annual beach trip with her sorority sisters from college. That is when she met the first OM. Two nights in bars, dancing, drinking and kissing no sex. The EA started immediately, email, texts, phone calls, facebook. He lived 2 hours away. She met him at a hotel on June 7, for a one time PA. She had started putting the distance between us about 2 weeks prior. Right after the PA she insisted on MC b/c she felt guilty but still carried on EA with another planned rendevoux which never happened. I did not find out about the EA or PA until July 1 and we had already had 3 joint MC sessions with the worst counselor ever, it was all my fault and my W “let me do it”. The counselor actually recommended a trial separation on the second session. I had no idea of what was going on, I was just trying to fix whatever was wrong between my W and I.

I wish I had discovered Michele’s book the day after I found out about the EA/PA. At first my wife wanted to work on us but our terrible counselor did not prepare me nor her for the emotional roller coaster ride I would be on for the next 2 months. I did all the wrong things as outlined in DR. Mid August I got the ILYBNILWY and if I had to make a decision today it would be over. That is when I found the DR, actually she had the book from a friend. I started reading it to her Aug 16 but I think she never stopped talking to OM and her heart just wasn’t in it but at least she was still in the house.

On August 25 2009, I lost it after she told me that one of her sorority sisters, who was w/ her at the beach when she met OM, said that I had the devil in me when I was “acting out” during my emotional rollercoaster ride over the past 45 days. I went home and packed her bags and threw her out. That was the stupidest thing I ever did and it has been down hill since then.

The separation was good for the first 3 to 4 weeks and I actually felt like she wanted to work on it again, but made the mistake of getting new Christian Counselors. Never had JC just IC and we met with 2 different C at the same facility. But as the counseling and the separation went on I could feel the distance again and so could the kids (with me in the house). Initially my W told the kids D13 S9 that we were going to be a family again and that she was coming back home. I really started to suspect her wanteing to get onto the singles scene, going out and such around Oct. 1. I think she met the current OM on or about this time. This time he is local and so the ongoing A can insue.

I strongly suspected that she was dating but during a JC on Oct 15 with her C and my C and the me and W, my W stated that the M was over if she had to make a decision today but will put it in God’s hands and will see what will happen. I asked that during this time could we agree not to date anyone. My W looked me in the eyes and said “you are my H, I am your W and we are still M”. I was floored as was my C b/c I thought for sure she was dating already. I followed her statement with “I would hope after 16 years of M that if that changes I would be the first to know” her C chimed in and said she would need to be the second after me. W was diagnosed by C as being codependent on relationships, I think this is the cornerstone of most MLC. The WAS is no longer made happy by the LBS and looks elsewhere for a relationship “fix”. Obviously my W was lying through her teeth when she agreed to no dating b/c she met the OM almost 2 weeks earlier. She also lied to D13 in their JC session. D13 was upset with my W b/c she was not acting right and not following through on promises to come home. My W told D13, who is fully aware of the first EA/PA, that the first A was a huge mistake and would never happen again. I discovered the second ongoing A on Oct. 30 and confronted W. Bad scene in public, really have not spoken since and D13 knows also and absolutely hates W and will not talk to her. S9 knows nothing and still is praying every night for “family healing” and for Mom to come home.

I am trying LR technique and have not really noticed any responses yet but have not really given it enough time yet. W is in the middle of a full blown MLC and is really abandoning the kids, I still love her but it is getting harder everyday and I am surrounded by people that are telling me to move on as in, I am better than her and should leave her behind. I don’t want to give up on the M and 16 years, I miss my partner in life and I got over the first A, I know I can get past this if she wants to try to work on us.

[sandi2]

Welcome to the community. I am glad you found this board. It has helped in saving many minds from going insane! We are here to support you and you will find some who may give you hugs and some who may give you a 2X4 up beside the head.....if needed, but everyone is here to try to help.

I know what it is to be shocked in counselors. I've some bad experiences myself. I don't have much confidence in MC unless you can find one who is pro-M and doesn't put up with a lot of nonsense. BTW, are you still trying to read the DR book to your W? It really isn't for couples. It is designed to be a toolbox for the LBS. Your W doesn't need to know what is in your toolbox.

I know you want to "fix" the problems in the M, but the only thing you can fix is yourself. The thing with most men is that they think a R is "fixed" and everything is going to be honky-dorey. That is when they, once again, get lazy and stop working on the R. A R is a living thing aNd if it survives, it has to have continual work in it. So, with that said....I hope you will make up your mind to always be working at having a good R. The secret is knowing "how" to have a good R. It starts with you.......not the other person. Look at you aNd how you are seen by your W. How have you changed since the days when she was dating you. She wants the guy she fell in love with.

I don't discount the fact that your W has problems. I don't know that it is MLC. Why do you think it is? Having affrs don't make it MLC, however, she may be addicted to sex! If I were you, I don't think I would believe half of what she has told you regarding the "one time PA". I would think she has probably had more than a one time physical sexual encounter. As it has been discussed on the board before....the WW usually tells the LBH one level "down" from what really haPpened. So, I'm just say......

Why do you think that packing her stuff aNd kicking her out was the worst mistake you could have done? Is she still out of the house?

I asked that during this time could we agree not to date anyone.

Don't ask her that anymore. She will only lie and it makes you look weak and controlling. I'll explain more later....or maybe one of the men here will.

My W looked me in the eyes and said “you are my H, I am your W and we are still M”. I was floored as was my C b/c I thought for sure she was dating already

Oh, she is! She didn't even give you aN answer with that statement.

I think you would probably do better to stop with the so-call Chrisian C b/c I don't see where it's getting you aNd W will continue to lie. Makes things worse, really.

I am trying LR technique and have not really noticed any responses yet but have not really given it enough time yet.

Are you refering to the LRT? If so, what are you doing? What have you done that would be seen as a 180?

[MHL]

Sandi2,
I have actually read several of your replies to others on the board and your insight to the WAW syndrome is invaluable.

I did a 180 on her 2 days after finding out about the second ongoing A. She had our S9 and I had to pick him up at restaurant parking lot. I was upset for about a day and half and she knew it so when she showed up she was nervous and looked depressed b/c our D13 laid into her for lying to her and to me about no dating. I actually was very sympathetic towards her, but not overly and I told her things would be okay. I am sure she was expecting another tongue lashing but I didn’t and I keep it brief, only about 1 minute.

There have been more developments since I wrote the my sitch, I posted it in the infidelity section. The thread is titled WAW is on suicide watch, now what???
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1879564#Post1879564

She is still out of the house, the reason I say throwing her out was a mistake is b/c if she was in the house she would not have been able to do the second affair. Also I feel like I could have used more of the techniques in the DR. We should jump to the other thread as the new info is pertinent to my next steps.

[TrentC]

She is still out of the house, the reason I say throwing her out was a mistake is b/c if she was in the house she would not have been able to do the second affair.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but did living in the house stop her from the first affair?

[MHL]

Having her in the house after I had knowledge of the first affair which consisted of 2 months of email, text, FB chat etc. and a one time meeting for the PA on June 7, I am pretty sure that was it b/c OM lived 2 hours away and I don't think they had the opportunity. I feel like she was willing to work on thiings in the beginning but I pushed her away with my roller coaster behavior. When I realized that wasn't working and I found DR, I hadn't read enough to really implement any tatics before I lost my cool and threw her out.

[sandi2]

If she is still out of the house, then work from that standpoint. Do not ask her to come back if she has not stopped her A. You will lose ground and actually make matters worse if you try to get her to come back home while she is still engaged in the reasons you threw her out.

[MHL]

Sorry everyone, I started two threads at once. My mistake, am new to the online forum thing. The most up to date thread is in the infidelity forum under WAW is on suicide watch, now what???

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1879564#Post1879564