Mixed Signals or is this Limbo Land

[MHL]

Coming here from Infidelity/Affairs. I have had IMO some positive baby steps with my W but fear that I am headed into limbo land or that we can be "friends" while she moves on with her life. I keep reading and re-reading success stories and it seems that the keeping contact going with the WAW is best instead of going dark, NC, etc. Doesn't really work with kids anyhow so I kinda gave up on it. I have a DB coaching session in 2 hours so I will ask coach what to do next but would love to hear from anyone here, and yes I will take the 2 X 4's.

Christmas was good IMO. My kids get up early (6-6:30am) every year. My W came over at 5:30, so she would be here when the kids got up. She laid down on the couch to go back to sleep, I came downstairs and asked her to come lay down in bed with me. I couldn't believe it when she got up and came upstairs, of course she laid down on top of the covers, fully clothed and with her head at the opposite end of the bed. This was a big positive IMHO, 3 weeks earlier we weren't even talking! We laid there and talked about nothing really but it was nice for 20 to 30 minutes before the kids got up.

The rest of the morning went great, D13 started talking to my W for the first time in 2 months (another Christmas miracle), It was "normal" for about 5 hours that morning as a family. A couple of other positive things happened but the thing that I cherrished the most was the unsolicited hug from her as she was leaving, not short but not too long either.
I knew there would be some blowbacks in the days that followed but nothing I did not expect. She declined an offer to come over last night to have a Christmas style dinner, said she did not want to give the kids false hope. I think she had a date but that is in my head and I am working on not dreaming up what she may or may not be doing. It just astounds me that she does not call to talk to my S9. She hasn't spoken to him since Christmas day. D13 is falling back into "i hate her again" with regards to her mother.

My W did say she would come to our best friend's house tonight or tomorrow for a get together b/c some other old friends are intown and everyone wants to see this couple. It will be about 4 or 5 couples and everyone is fully aware of our sitch and they all are telling me to forget her and move on. If she comes over tonight it will be the first time she has seen our friends in 5 months. I am hoping that it will remind her of all the fun times we used to have with all of our friends in the neighborhood. Maybe she will want that back or will relize that going out to bars and the whole dating scene isn't all "that".

I am trying to GAL, and reading books like crazy, which reminds me of one other thing that happened 2 days before Christmas. We had a R talk on the phone that lasted for 30 minutes, no arguing but mostly me talking about Love Languages and that I relized I was not speaking her Languages for years and she wasn't speaking mine. She admitted that her IC had recomended that she read the book. Does that mean that her counselor is advising her to work on the M or that there is hope??? (would love to be a fly on the wall n her sessions) I did not ask her but when I saw her that day to get the gifts she had wrapped for the kids, I gave her the book. She is a terrible reader and probably will not read it but I hope the opportunity comes up again to ask her about it.

I welcome any input from some of you wise DRers out there.

[MHL]

More positives tonight as my W came over after taking our S9 out to eat. I suggested that she come over to break the ice with our best friends who are next door neighbors. My W had not spoken to them in 3 months and that was just once, prior to that she had not spoken to them since July 5th. I said we could all watch Monday night football, we all just stood in the kitchen and talked for 2 hours just like old times. My W was at the house for almost an hour before our friends came over which gave us some time together, no R talk. I just tried to keep the conversation focused on her as much as I could. Did not do any compliments on her looks though, missed opportunity. I think the main thing was that she felt comfortable being around me in our house.

My W decided to make her exit a little early, she has to work tomorrow but hugged best friends goodbye and came to me and I got another unsolicited hug from her. I am not sure if it was done b/c it was in front of our friends or b/c she felt like it but either way it is good. Tomorrow is another day and I am just going to continue to act consistently and GAL.

I hope my thread turns into a success story. I sure everyone here hopes that happens. I also hope that posting the positive things going on instead of the negative will not only help me recognize more positive things but will help others that are reading, recognize the positives going on in their own sitch's.

[MHL]

I guess I am doing more journaling here than anything but I still would like to share with anyone out there what seems to be working in my sitch.

More positives this morning. Just got off the phone w/ my W and she has agreed to come over later tonight to see friends again for drinks after they finish dinner. This could be 3 to 4 couples that are our good friends. I am thinking that as long as I make the road back any easier road traveled she may decide to take it. I suggested that our family, ME, W, S9, D13 all go out to eat tonight and then me and my W could go next door to visit with friends. My W kinda shot that down but came up with an alternatetive plan that still involves us being together and going over to friends. This was even better b/c it was her idea and I was able to compliment her on what a good idea it was...."words of affirmation" that is her Love Language.

She also recomended that since we were not going to do a family thing tonite that we all go bowling on Saturday afternoon. I feel this is huge positive b/c again her idea and it a future oriented plan. Up to this point everything has been "we'll see" or "I'll get back to you."

These are all small baby steps but daily I can feel the momentum growing. I am prepared though for a blowback or some silence. The hardest part is after being with her I go into withdraw symptoms of wanting her back immediately and wanting it to happen right away. patience, Patience, PATIENCE. This is soooo hard but I know this working and I don't want to backslide. Hopefully more to come later.

[BeginningAgain]

It all sounds good MHL I would just caution you on two things. First do not build up ANY expectations. Take the good times as they come but recognize that they may not always happen. When they don't just go on about your business, no pouting, pleading, begging - you get the picture.

Second, don't overdue the invitation thing - it can dissolve into pursuing very quickly. It's a delicate "dance" but if you push to many invites in front of her, you may find yourself without a dance partner. She needs to ease back into the R on what she percieves as her terms and not feel like she is being forced.

Wish you the best of luck.

S4H

[ClingingToHope]

I agree with Searching4Help. You may need to back off a bit in January and February. The holidays have a lot of natural family time moments. If she likes the time together perhaps she'll find reasons to ask you.

[dday101798]

In complete agreeance with the others thus far.

Yes, there will be "blowbacks, obstacles, bumps" whatever you may call them. As suggested, no expectations, and without having those expectations, those not so positive times won't be so bad, and you'll find yourself thinking of it as just another new R trying to get off the ground, if it works, great, if not, go fish, will be your mindset, and you'll be a cool customer in her eyes.

Definately cut back on the invites, let her do it. This will also be a little 'proving time' time to you as to how much interest she really has at the moment.

And last but not least, a lesson I'm finding I have to keep reminding myself. Although you are all excited about the possibility of being back together, and with due time, she may do as well, please, keep the exposure in front of the kids to a minimum. Guilty as charged. And it does send them into a bit of a flux.

Good luck, and keep on doin' what you're doin (with said adjustments) seems you're doing fine up to this point.

[MHL]

S4H, CTH, dday,
Thanks for the input, good to have reinforced what I know I need to "do" in my head versus what I want to do in my heart. I am dancing a fine line here and I know I need to pull back which I am planning on doing after Saturday. She really needs to pursue me after that, which I know but it will be hard waiting which may take a while, could be weeks. I pretty successfully detached back in November, this is actually harder b/c I have to maintain a PMA about the sitch which means focusing on the positives in rebuilding the friendship, which in turn drums up all those old feelings again. I think the difference now is that I can experience those feelings w/o acting on them, just hurts like h*ll.

As far as tonight goes don't know what is going to happen, these things come together at the last minute it is 5:40pm and no word from anyone yet but my W wants me to call when I hear something. I actually sense she really wants to come out to see our old friends, if it does not happen I think I will just text her instead of calling. I also have plenty of things to do tonight to keep me busy and keep my mind off of her. Will update later. Thanks again for the advice!

[MHL]

Well just a little late night journal update here. Friends never called but I kinda new that b/c of discussions with best friends from last night. It is uncomfortable for our friends to be around "us" b/c of what the sitch is and they know what my W has done and they really don't want to see her yet. I am disappointed b/c I do not have an excuse to see or be with my W. I am missing her but it is not as intense b/c she is not the one choosing not to be w/ me tonight. Right now there is pain but it will pass it always does, searching for the positive in this tonight I came up with a couple of things.

I did not call or text her to tell her that there was no get together, so despite my emotions I did not give into them. I can fully experience my emotions and still do the right thing or at least the thing that works.

Also, when I spoke to my W last this afternoon, she seemed genuinely interested in coming out tonight and there was no apprehension in her voice. We did leave it that if I did not call that meant there was no get together so I don't think she will get mad or upset that I did not call her. I think by not calling her I did a 180. She would expect that I would have called no matter what just to talk to her. I also think I added a little mystery to me. We shall see if she inquires about tonight the next time we talk.

[MHL]

Another update. Spoke to W on the phone for 30 minutes yesterday at lunch time while she was at work. Normally she does not want to talk b/c she is at work and is too busy so she says. We were talking about me bringing her something later that day at work. We were having fun playing 20 questions, she was trying to figure out what it was that I was bringing. I think she knew but was purposely prolonging the conversation. Every year I give my W a gift of jewelry at midnite on New Year's Eve, it is by far the most romantic thing I do and I am the only man I know that does this. It puts her on top of the world especially in a crowd. I have done this every year since we met. She is going out of town to be w/ old soroity sisters for New Year's (first time we've been apart ever on New Year's). Yesterday I gave her the gift to open at midnite on New Year's Eve, also a card in a gift bag. When I showed up at her office she was pleasantly surprised, we talked for 10-15 minutes. I told her some traditions die hard, she smiled. There was a moment when I thought the conversation was over and she continued to stand there as if she was waiting for me to hug or kiss her. I talked a little more and said "well okay" intending to leave and again she stood there so I moved in for the hug and was well received. Third hug in a week, these are my positive baby steps.

I try not to focus on this but the town she is going to is where the first OM lives. The thought has crossed my mind that she is going to be there with him but I don't know that and that is the thinking that derails me. I sent one text today and did not get anything back for 3.5 hours, the demons started coming back but again nothing to support meeting OM and even if so, the positives of the last 2 weeks would far outweigh that event. She did text back that she made it okay and would open the gift at midnite. Waiting to see if she will call at midnite tonight but not expecting anything.
My W is supposed to come over early Saturday morning as I have to work this Saturday (a rarity). There is no need to come over b/c D13 can watch out for S9. We all ME, W, D13 & S9 are going to go bowling later on Saturday afternoon. I suggested that she come over to the house while I was at work to spend quality time with the kids in their own home. D13 is still angry with Mom, I thought it might help melt the ice between them. I am trying to make the road back as smooth as possible for my W. Still hard to do these things for her b/c she still does not have an ounce of remorse or sorrow for what she has done not even to our D13. It does get easier b/c I am seeing results.

[MHL]

Worst New Year's Ever,
I was a wreck all night and a majority of the day today but kept it in the road. W did not call at midnite but I knew that was a pipe dream anyhow.

One really good positive although a weakness on my part. I got up early this morning and needed to get milk and bacon for breakfast for kids. Drove by the house of the #2 OM, its to easy just 7 miles from our house, his truck and his W's car are in the driveway. WOO HOO, they are working it out and that means he should be out of the picture hopefully for good. I almost texted his W last night b/c I thought that my W might be w/ him and had never gone out of town. Glad I kept it together.

While I was at the store and snooping on #2 OM, S9 woke up and called me. Said he wasn't feeling good, I told him I would be home in 15 minutes. I told him to call Mom and tell her Happy New Year and tell her "Dad was not home", it was 7:30 am so I knew he would get her voice mail. Hopefully planted the possibility of me having OW and meeting for booty call. I did not tell S9 where I was and what I was doing, just that I would be home in 15 min.

Well I expected she might call back by 10 or 11, no call. She has not spoken to S9 for 4 days (not only alien W, but alien Mom too). This part no one can understand about her as if she never had children !@&??? Had son call again at 11 am, no answer. I texted her at noon that S9 wanted to talk to her, nothing. 30 minutes later get text:
Got the bracelet. It is beautful. Thank u. Have hangovr. I will call in a while.
I texted back:
glad u like it, we will be outside throwing football, I got my cell.
She texted back:
Took ibuprophin.....going back to sleep.
I texted back:
u can't talk to him just a minute, its been 4 days?

Nothing for 4 hours, she finally called at 4:30. I was about to fire off a couple of scathing texts right when she called, whew!
I pulled it together quick and acted like there was no problem and we talked about her evening and mine, everything was upbeat and positive and we confirmed her coming over to the house tomorrow morning to hang with kids while I am at work. Bowling as a family is up in the air, which usually means no. So I have no expectations there. She spoke to S9 for a couple of minutes and he put me back on the phone to say our goodbyes and neither one of us would say goodbye, you know we keep going back and forth ok, ok , ok , ok....finally I said talk to later, goodbye. It was weird, 5 minutes earlier I was ready to tear her head off for not calling. I think there is a power struggle going on here. Just not sure what she is feeling, duh.

After tomorrow I have to go quiet for a couple of days to see if she contacts me. Only other nagging issue is the lawyer thing, separation agreement and all that BS, I think I am going to casually ask her what she wants and pending what she says just say okay, no problem just have her lawyer draw it up.