It'a All About Me

[dolphin_05]

Thanks for your insight Snodderly and Sanderika. GAG you posed an interesting question about the job situation. I have to say now that I have no idea!

Some information;
I have heard nothing from H
H spent Christmas eve with OW and her family
S was with him Christmas night. D refused to go. H sent her a text wishing her a pleasant Christmas Day.
H has not deleted me from his skype
H tells S he is moving to our home state. Not sure about ow in this plan.
H has told me he is moving because of me. However, he has return flights booked from here for Feb and he has bought football season's tickets for him and D.
Today H text D and asked if she was going to the football this season (she already has the membership ticket he bought)

[dolphin_05]

Hello Sanderika,
Sending wishes to you for a happy and peaceful festive season for you and s.

Cas

PS New thread name: H is obese from constant cake eating!!

[Sanderika]

Hello (((Cas))), (((GAG))) & (((Rabbit)))

First I want to thank you for the warm Christmas wishes.

An update in my sitch, son and I had a wonderful Christmas :):)

H and I put the final touches on his gift to son together Christmas Eve afternoon at his request. We chatted numerous times via cell during the morning and afternoon.

It was enjoyable and felt real and the way things are supposed to be. H and I are very comfortable around each other. He must have felt good about it all too, after all he initiated all the calls and the desire for my help.

Son and I spent Christmas Eve at my parents home and had an enjoyable time with my family. This is important since I have been mostly estranged from them all for over two years now as a result of my sitch with H. While there H tried to call my cell, I did not think it was my phone so I ignored the ring, H did not leave a message and I have not asked H why he tried to call me. I do want to know but may not seek out the answer, he mentioned nothing yesterday.

Christmas morning H arrived at 8:30, son was still asleep and H roused him up in grand booming style, it was very funny and son was a good sport!!

After we had a nice breakfast, we shared our tree with each other as a family and it felt wonderful...just the three of us opening gifts and laughing and being happy.

H surprised me with 2 beautiful gifts. I was so surprised.

He bought me a "Charmed Memories" bracelet with two charms and two stops on it. One charm was my blue birthstone and the other was a four leaf clover in white crystals. Absolutely gorgeous. My H actually shopped at a jewelers for me for Christmas!!! I am in shock. He was so proud proud of his gift. I wore it all day I love it!!!

The other gift is a beautiful Swarovski crystal angel dated 2010. H knows I collect angel ornaments for my Christmas tree. Every year it is adorned with the angels I have collected for 25 years. H said when he saw her he thought of me and that he thought she was so beautiful. She is amazing and I love her!!!

To be honest with you all, H never put much effort into gifts for me. This is a fact he is well aware of because he has stated in the past he now realizes he should have been more thoughtful towards me in the gift department.

For my H to give me two very thoughtful gifts this year has to be sign of changes in him. He must love me just like he says. I thanked him with a big hug and a little kiss on his neck. H hugged me back with a tiny extra squeeze and no kiss.

Son and I got H much more ordinary things as gifts. Things he could use on a more practical note: shirts and a big box of his favorite snacks (spicy, seasoned nuts like cashews, pistachios and almonds). I wish son and I had done more for him.

We spent the day playing in the snow on snowmobiles, watching A Christmas Carol and napping. H stayed all day. He had lunch and dinner with us. He took son to his brothers for a visit in the evening (did not invite me) and I was fine with that. H brought son home at 10:30 and did not come inside.

I think after such a good day I expected him to come in when they got back. I will admit to you all it felt weird that he did not and it hurt a bit. Perhaps H was on overload from such a good day and needed to be alone with his thoughts. I hope he looks back on the day with very fond memories, I know son and I will.

I will continue to post updates....

My thought for today: In MLC separations/divorces, huge amounts of time with dose after dose of consistent kind, loving, compassionate and forgiving support towards our wayward will bring them out of the dark and erase their fears.

Hugs to you all,

Sanderika

[Sanderika]

(((Cas)))

I hope you and daughter and son had a nice Christmas regardless of H's behavior.

After reading about his latest escapades, I am inclined to believe that he is throwing a temper tantrum and firmly making a stand that he is not ready for what was beginning to happen. He has retreated far back into the tunnel. This could be an effort to regain control over what he perceived as a spiraling loss of control where things were moving along too fast. This is something Rabbit warned me about several posts back on this thread.

I don't think they spend as long a time in the tunnel at this stage as they did at the beginning of the MLC. They cycle just the same but things improve between you, the kids and him that are undeniable to him, thus resulting in shorter stints.

H's upcoming plans and schedule has me thinking that he is trying to escape but it's not really working for him because he has doubts. One thing I have learned for sure is that they live with doubt over their choices 24/7. Every time they think they
have figured out what they want they change their mind again.
It's a big part of the MLC mindset. I have always tried to behave towards H in a way that he would have to constantly ask himself why he was leaving in the first place. And wonder to the point that he would assume his reasons were not justifiable and ridiculous.

Time and Positive Treatment is the only way they see their way out of the fog. We all know that they try in desperation to run back into the tunnel at the first sign of reconnection.

I say your H is attempting to run again. It all started with MIL visit this spring. Your best plan would be to leave him alone and carry on like you have your life all together, it brought him out before....it will again. I have experienced this too numerous times to count. IMO, I experienced the out of the tunnel H and the going back in the tunnel H all in the same day yesterday.

Cas, this is part of the game we play with them. It will be enough is enough when WE decide it is. I have renewed hope in my sitch even though January 13th is looming. We will most likely be divorced way before H and I are resolved about this mess. And, that might just be the beat all and end all of the whole thing.

Remember this battle inside H is beyond your control. All you can do is to continue to be the wonderful Cas that you are.

I'm thinking about you,

Sanderika

[dolphin_05]

H has sent me several insulting messages about settlement and divorce. I know he will make this time incredibly difficult. He is still in conflict with D. Ugh!!!

[goodattitudegirl]

Cas,

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this right now. Do you think that MIL got her hands on H again?

Sanderika is very wise. She has managed to turn around a nearly impossible situation.

My thought for today: In MLC separations/divorces, huge amounts of time with dose after dose of consistent kind, loving, compassionate and forgiving support towards our wayward will bring them out of the dark and erase their fears.

Cas, this is part of the game we play with them. It will be enough is enough when WE decide it is.

Please do something for Cas today. Take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself. You don't need to make any final decisions today. Can you give yourself some time away to do something relaxing today?

GAG

[dolphin_05]

Hi GAG,

No this is not about MIL. This is him and how he swings. He said he wanted settlement asap so I offered to meet him this afternoon to do the paperwork. He said he had to work.

Late this afternoon I called by his house to drop the papers off. He answered the door but refused to take the papers.

H says it's too late to make peace with D. He had a bank account in her name and he has sent her funds to my account today.

I know Sanderika is very wise and I am in awe of her patience.

Thanks for your care,

Cas

[dolphin_05]

Sanderika, I am so happy to read your report of Christmas. Heed Rabbit's words and go slowly now. Still no expectations-definitely easier said than done!!

Cas

[Sanderika]

(((Cas)))

Thank you for your happiness about my Christmas. I have definitely learned that the good is usually followed by bad. H did spend the day with us again yesterday. Son and H did some chores in our barn. We played wii games and had lunch as a family. H napped again for a couple of hours. He mentioned he wanted a moment to just relax. I am happy he picked our home. He was here for a long time 1:00pm til 9:00pm.

About You:

You see H is cycling.....He does not want the paperwork.

In regards to your attempt to deliver paperwork:

"Can't meet you Cas, I have to work".

"Can't take the papers Cas, I don't really want them".

You have attempted to deliver what he wants, and he doesn't want them, thus the refusal to accept. He will continue to find excuses to ignore the facts which are that he demanded the papers before Christmas.

At this point you can either send them to him via the post (make him have to sign for his mail) or make one last attempt to hand deliver, in either case if he doesn't want them he will stuff them in a draw "out of sight - out of mind". OR, you could let it be and not attempt again which will once again place it on him to ask for them. FYI, I would do the latter.

FYI, I would not respond one word back to an insulting or threatening email. Let him spew, he will realize it's not getting him any satisfaction because you are not falling for his tantrum with a response.

He is threatening/insulting due to his own turmoil and how badly he has screwed up his life. He feels if he threatens you and D, the two people who probably mean the most to him, he regains control and can continue on his "all about me" path. This will backfire on him because in reality he does not want you all out of his life . Another reason he is going to fight it is to save face. H can't let others know that he admittedly has screwed up big time. At some point in the crisis it really does become a fight inside them to save their stupid, egotistical, a-hole image that they have created by leaving us/family in the first place.

I would ignore him like crazy. Let him have his pity-party.

About your D: He has no right to be mad at daughter. He is lashing out at her because he is mad at himself. Take D's money and transfer it to a new account in her name and yours, since D is a minor. This is an action H has taken in a pi$$ed off moment, he WILL wish he hadn't done it.

IMO, your H is depressed. He is at a point in this crisis that he has to do something. My H has been there several times. When this is happening, I make myself completely scarce (like I don't even know him). I ask nothing of H, I pretend I am a stranger....not even a wave when passing in traffic. In every case....H can take this for just so long and then he comes around like a long lost wayward soul. A soul who seeks the familiarity of belonging to others/family.

I am feeling like this is a temporary spell with your H. If he is anything like mine (I think he is), simply leave him alone in every sense of the word. Do not initiate any communication.

I would however, encourage D to mend the issue between herself and her father. I have realized, by example, that over the years my encouragement of the relationship between my son and his father has been a tremendous factor in the rebuilding of the relationship between myself and H.

I am with you (((Cas))), our journeys are not over yet.....

Sanderika

[Lost Rabbit]

Oh Cas ((()))) hes worse than a girlie with full blown menopausal symptoms isnt he?

Its hard but yet again its step away and let him get on with it.. I have just been reading a fab article about avoiders and clingers... Your H is a definite avoider, as soon as you cling even the slightest you cant see him for dust and hes chucking toys out of his pram again.. hes still not ready to face up to working with you, but he really is a silly ar*e isnt he, I want my D papers, NO I dont want my D papers.. HOW old is he?

Hang in there, only you can decide you are done hun! That is totally your perogative..

Sanderika what wonderful news.. but please please go SLOWLY this is not the time to scare him... infact are you on the alt anywhere I'd love you to read the above article, its very enlightening.. it puts a lot of DB into different words but in principle is the same but I just got it better that way..

Take care of yourselves ladies, YOU are too important to lose in all this...