W continues to live with OM - what to do?

[longrun]

No responses on my thread for three months. Here's the old one:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2302796&page=1
I am opening a new thread with a more pointed title in the hope of getting more feedback. Quick summary: I'm 49, wife, too. 3 kids between 7 and 9. A year ago W dropped the "I love you but I am..." bomb. In April she confessed a PA with a highschool flame. W and I have been together for nearly three decades. Her biggest criticisms:
- I do not "touch her soul", OM apparently does. I was curious what she meant by that but she refuses to tell me.
- I am too "brainy", she doesn't feel an emotional connection with me.
- I hadn't finished my education and was a stay-at-home-dad for the kids. Once she said a "houseman" is a loser for her.
In September she moved in a flat with OM and our kids. OM left his wife and two kids. Our house is empty since then. OM hasn't finished any education and earns less in a year than I do in a month.

180s I did:
- In March I moved to my university, 400 miles away. I finished my course with an A and found a job immediately. In the meantime I am very successful and earning above average, though still only half as much as W.
- I used to do little housework. My wife is a perfectionist and always had something to criticize. Now, when I am together with the kids, I am doing all the work myself.
- My relation to my kids is excellent. They tell me they would much rather stay with me in the house than in the flat with OM.
- I am now preparing a move back to the house. Unfortunately my profession involves a lot of travels. Right now I am on the eve of leaving for another stay far abroad.
- Hardly any talk about D with W. I haven't filed, she hasn't filed. She is acting very nicely, wants me to have success, applauds my professional progress, supports my moving back to town etc. There were hardly any arguments. One major exception: about two months ago I told her that the kids prefer to stay with me and that she should take into consideration that once I am back in the house that the kids staying with me may become a permanent situation if I can arrange it with a new job. One of our daughters came into the room and on the question with whom she would rather stay pointed at me immediately. W started sobbing.

Now my question to all readers: am I crazy in continuing with DBing? Do I allow cake-eating by accepting being "friends" for now? As Michelle has written in DR most people around me advocate a divorce. But I still think I am the "better choice", in fact better than ever. The kids are yearning for a reconciliation. But how to do a 180 on her core point of "not reaching her soul"? Probably listening to her carefully is all I can do. - How to increase my physical attractiveness? I have already lost 30 pounds. More plans I have:
- Start driving a car. Due to ecological considerations I have a total driving experience of 5000 km in 30 years. But organizing life with three kids without a car is tedious.
- Take dance lessons. Difficult since my schedule is unpredictable.
- Working out.
That's it for now. Now gotta pack my suitcase for a month on another continent.

[AnotherStander]

Now my question to all readers: am I crazy in continuing with DBing?

DB'ing will help you whether you reconcile or not, so it's always a good idea to follow DB principals.

Do I allow cake-eating by accepting being "friends" for now?

That's not cake-eating, cake-eating would be if she were living with you in a more typical husband-wife relationship while also carrying on with OM. In your case you're separated and she's living elsewhere with OM, so that's not cake-eating whether the two of you are friends or not. I think you should foster a friendly relationship with her regardless, because the two of you will always be co-parents.

As Michelle has written in DR most people around me advocate a divorce. But I still think I am the "better choice", in fact better than ever. The kids are yearning for a reconciliation. But how to do a 180 on her core point of "not reaching her soul"?

Her comment sounds like a twist on the old "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line. Basically all you can do is work on yourself, do 180's on your faults and make yourself the spouse only a fool would leave. It sounds like you've already done a lot of work in that regard, so just keep it up.

Probably listening to her carefully is all I can do.

That's not all you can do, but it's certainly a great thing to do. Listen without fixing. Validate her emotions.

How to increase my physical attractiveness? I have already lost 30 pounds.

Good! Other things- whiten your teeth, get your hair done differently, wear cologne (or new cologne if you already do), change your wardrobe. The idea is to make her wonder what you're up to, and also to make you feel better about yourself.

[littleGTO]

HI, longrun,
Sorry you are here, but this is the best place you could have found for support.

Sounds like you are doing a lot of great 180s. Give yourself more time. Time for when you are back in your house. Then maybe you'll be around your W more for her to see your consistent changes.

Her A w OM is still rather new--even though you say it's been a year, they have only been living together for 5 months. Give it more time for the "infatuation" stage to wear off.

One thing--try not to put your kids in the middle of your R. Don't ask them to choose. You & your W need to work out what you think is best for them. They are too young to make that decision for themselves, nor should they ever be presented with the question "who would you rather...?" That forces them to choose sides which is not going to help your sitch.

Definitely keep DBing! Time will tell what the future will hold. DOn't try to predict it ahead of time.

[longrun]

Thanks for tuning in, AnotherStander. I respect your opinions a lot and have read many of your posts lately.

Do I allow cake-eating by accepting being "friends" for now?

That's not cake-eating, cake-eating would be if she were living with you in a more typical husband-wife relationship while also carrying on with OM. In your case you're separated and she's living elsewhere with OM, so that's not cake-eating whether the two of you are friends or not. I think you should foster a friendly relationship with her regardless, because the two of you will always be co-parents.

Thanks for this clarification. Being friends with W is not difficult at all. She tells me she continues to "love" me - like a brother but not like a husband. She is all "nice" and "sweet" in her communication with me.

Listen without fixing. Validate her emotions.

We rarely meet personally these days since I am busy with my job which is 400 miles away and right now I am on a different continent. I can't give much more space than that, LOL. Meanwhile W has left for a holiday trip to Scandinavia with OM and my/our kids.

[longrun]

littleGTO, thanks a lot for visiting my thread.

Give yourself more time. Time for when you are back in your house. Then maybe you'll be around your W more for her to see your consistent changes.

Thanks for this view. My wife can be very stubborn. Now that she has made her move I expect that she will try to cling to OM as long as possible to justify her decision.

Her A w OM is still rather new--even though you say it's been a year, they have only been living together for 5 months. Give it more time for the "infatuation" stage to wear off.

Thanks also for this perspective. If five months which feel like an eternity is "new" then I really have to be prepared for a long run. Actually I once talked to a lady during a train ride. I outlined my situation and she then told me that she married her husband in 1968. Her marriage was on the brink of breaking apart for years. Her husband had a PA for four years, she for three years - yet they didn't divorce, reconciled and are now glad that they have stayed together. She told me to wait for 3-4 years.

One thing--try not to put your kids in the middle of your R. Don't ask them to choose.

That's an area where I must improve. My self control isn't good enough yet when I am together with the kids and sometimes I have been venting my frustration about the situation.

[tori2012]

Longrun, when your W says you don't "touch her soul" I think she means that she doesn't feel emotionally connected to you. I think that somehow she didn't feel she could trust you or get the support she needed from you, or whatever emotional connection means to her. Actually, that would be a good thing to figure out. What does emotional connection mean to her?

Work on building respect and admiration from her. Based on your post, it seems she lost some of that, too.

Hang in there, and thank you for posting on my thread. (((((())))))

[littleGTO]

longrun,
Thanks for posting on my thread too!

The train lady is right. The question for you (and me and everyone here) is how long will your W continue on this path before either she or you decides she's/you're done?

This is a rhetorical question since noone can answer this and everyone sitch is different. I know I won't be waiting around for 3-4 years for my H to see if OW is in fact still in the picture. I deserve a life and I guess I'm not that patient.

Hold onto hope, though. Patient and faith, I believe ar the answers.

[ForeverYoung]

I agree with Tori: You need to act in a way that will build her respect for you. This means setting and holding firm to your boundaries.

She'll never respect you (or fall back in love with you) if you don't respect yourself.

Search for some of Sandi2's posts for more on this.

[longrun]

Longrun, when your W says you don't "touch her soul" I think she means that she doesn't feel emotionally connected to you.

That's right and that's the huge challenge for me. When our friendship started in the 1980ies it wasn't the "big bang". I knew she was into me, I also liked her - we kind of morphed into the romantic stage without a major infatuation on either side. My love grew over the years whereas she now says she never really loved me, at least never as much as she loves OM now. So I am facing a tremendous uphill battle, possibly really winning her heart for the first time.

Work on building respect and admiration from her. Based on your post, it seems she lost some of that, too.

Yes, she says the years when I didn't manage to finish my education her feelings for me died a slow death. Funny thing is OM never finished any education - and all of a sudden it doesn't matter any more. And I was the "houseman loser" - OM is spending even more time in their joint flat than I did. Well, the WAS way has nothing to do with logic.

[tori2012]

Longrun, if she married you, she was in love. The story about never having been in love is a typical WAS statement. That said, you two need to rekindle the love.

Don't compare yourself to the OM. He's just a "fix" for her, to cover up her real internal issues. The R with the OM will end. Focus on you. How can you be a better H, a better man?