on the edge...

[dingo]

You're correct - I don't know what is going to happen if she moves out and I don't know what is going to happen if she doesn't move out.

Believe me BD - I have taken more than my share of responsibility for the state of the marriage. I definitely did plenty of things wrong and didn't always take care of her needs. I have told her this many times and worked extremely hard to correct the mistakes. She has acknowledged the work I have done and said its great to see those changes but she feels like she can't do the same for me.

I also know that the marriage didn't get to this state overnight and that its not going to be fixed overnight. I am not asking for it to be 'back to normal' just for us to be moving in the same direction. I know that can look different than I expect though - maybe her moving out is us moving in the same direction ultimately.

I don't know what else YOU think is going on but when I am honest with myself, I do realize that there is some jealousy going on. Strangely enough, its not jealousy towards the OM but jealousy towards my wife. I am jealous that she is able to have the security of a marriage and a husband who loves her as well as an OM that is willing to overlook the fact that she is married while I have to pick one or the other. I am jealous that she can cake eat and knows that she can cake eat. The only way for me to take that away from her is to get a divorce and force myself to move on, to give her the illusion that Ive moved on and hope that she buys it, or to actually move on and not consider a divorce until that's happened.

I also think you are correct in that we both need some space. Things are so convoluted right now that i don't know what to believe. I question her motives when she says things, I question her words, i even question her actions.

[Breakdown]

You got it buddy....keep thinking about it. Dig thru those feelings. I do sense the jealousy, but also fear. There's the lack of trust, which feeds them both. And there's some anger in there too. Feel those feelings....understand them, really explore them....but don't hold on to them too tight. Let them move thru you.

I don't think you are 100% right about the security and choices there. You have the ability to set boundaries for you, and enforce them. It's difficult, but think about it in terms of "what can I do, to protect me?"

Couple of things I'd like you to think about that will counter some of those negative feelings....forgiveness....and compassion.

Mach1 told me many times after the schit hit the fan...."let things sit a bit." I think that's solid advice for you right now too. Give some space and time, focus on your own stuff. Don't jump to conclusions or be quick to make decisions.

Hang in there.

[dingo]

I don't know that I am angry but I am definitely hurt, frustrated and disappointed. I think that goes without saying. I feel that I have been forgiving and have tried to show compassion. While I have acted out occasionally in the heat of the moment, I have never seriously tried to punish her with my words or actions. I don't hate her for what she's done and I understand that she is struggling with a lot too. I try to be there for her but as has been stated multiple times by multiple people, I am the last person she needs/wants to hear advice from right now.

There is definitely fear. A ton of it. Mostly I am scared to lose my companion and have to start over again but I am also scared of failure, scared to be alone during the holidays. There's also an element of comfort that I am scared to lose.
I know that these are things that are really clouding my ability to assess this situation correctly and am trying to get through them. Sometimes I also think they may be the only things that are keeping me in the marriage.

To give you a rough timeline, she claims that she started to really question the relationship back in February. She claims she told me but for whatever reason, the seriousness of the situation was something I didn't grasp until May. Thats when I first got the ILYBINILWY and is supposedly when the affair really started. I didnt find out about the affair until July and since then it has been the rollercoaster of 'I want to work on the marriage' and then all of a sudden 'I'm done trying - this time I mean it.' Its been pretty clockwork, 3 weeks of good, and then a week of bad. Sometimes its been triggered by contact with the OM. Some of that contact I suspect and some I have confirmed. She claims that since mid-October, she has really cut ties with the OM, but of course she still works with him. Supposedly conversation has been limited to work issues only. To her credit, she has interviewed for a couple of jobs and is seriously considering taking one of them if they make her an offer. The last few weeks, she has also been much much much less attached to her cell phone and much more engaged with me - both physically and emotionally. I took those things as positive signs that she was done with the affair and had indeed re-committed to the marriage. She has also told me that a separation would be under the terms of remaining faithful and that the affair was in fact over.

So the crisis, as its been known to me, has been going on for months. I look at some people's sigs on here and I realize that 6 months isnt all that long but its starting to get up there. I guess its probably worth noting that she hasnt moved out yet. She is planning on signing the lease tomorrow and is planning on moving out on 12/1. I think you are suggesting that I let things sit a bit after she moves out and see how I feel after a few weeks or so of that before I act?

[Spartan]

I agree with letting things sit a bit after she moves out. I think you need to for more then just a few weeks though. And by sit I mean give yourself space and just do your thing and let her do hers. Take the time to figure out you. Maybe try some new things and see what life has to offer rather then be jealous of what someone else has or is doing. You only control you.

I understand your fears and how they can hold you back. Heck I lived it for a long time and they just feed negative emotions (jealousy, anger, depression, etc...). Thing is you can sit there and let the fear control you or you can face them head on and move forward. Like BD mentioned, it's fine to feel these things, just make sure you let them go and don't let them control you.

[dingo]

Well - its close to decision time for her. She and I have spoken a couple of times today and we even went for a drive just to get out of our offices. Both of us have been stressed out, havent gotten much work done and are emotionally exhausted from this week. As bad as it sounds, it was almost a bonding moment for us to be sharing those kinds of feelings together.

She still says she feels like nothing we have tried has worked so far and that moving out is the drastic change she needs to get off of the fence. Apparently she sees a lot of value and potential in our relationship right now but for reasons she doesn't know, her heart is not into it.

As of an hour ago, she still felt that this was the only way but that she was having a very hard time letting go of our life together. She thinks she probably will not be able to really make a decision until she's in the moment - either signing the lease or driving by and skipping the meeting.

I told her that she has to do what she thinks in her heart is the right thing. We will be right back in the same position if she doesnt sign because she's afraid I will divorce her or because she doesn't want to hurt me. If those things convince her not to sign, it will only make her resentful and won't be something she's convicted to stick to.

I told her I hoped she had a genuine change of heart and she told me that she hopes that if she does go through with it, that I will reconsider my stance of asking for a divorce. I guess I believe in my heart that if her feelings are so confused that she has to move out, there will be very little that can genuinely bring them back to where they need to be.

[Breakdown]

I guess I believe in my heart that if her feelings are so confused that she has to move out, there will be very little that can genuinely bring them back to where they need to be.

So she's confused. She needs space and time. And your position is "If you need space and time, there's no hope"?

To me, there sounds like there's a lot of reason to be hopeful in your sitch, yet you seem to focus on the negatives. Is that more of the same for you? Perhaps a 180 is in order.