Gogofo - no longer piecing 2nd BD - pt. 2

[gogofo]

Something that I read this weekend really resonated with me. It was the idea that men think women bring things up out of nowhere.

They described the female mind as a computer with numerous windows open and numerous windows minimized. The male mind generally has one window open and the others CLOSED. But since the female mind cannot close windows, the minimized windows will at times pop up to the front of the screen when some seemingly random button is pushed.

It was a good visualization to the feeling that I get when she brings up some random situation from days, weeks, or years ago. She is not doing this purposefully, but they way her minds works causes it to happen.

I can understand a little better with the visualization of our reconciliation being another window that keeps popping up in front of the 2 dozen other windows she has open. I can see how it would feel overwhelming and stressful when the other screens are never minimized.

Opened my eyes for sure.

[gogofo]

Signed the papers to accept the offer on the house. Had a quick lunch with W and youngest son. During lunch she seemed distant and then asked me if I knew where I was going to move.

I told her I did not want to talk about it right now, but we could later.

So I don't know what to do. I feel like I have been hiding and scared of her and I am tired of it. I want to tell her how I feel and how I stand for us being M through thick and thin.

I know that R talks go against the rules of DBing, but I don't know what else I can do. I feel like I should do something though. I feel like she has been walking all over me and wants to force me out. I have no actual "right" to stay in the house since we live there rent free and it is her family's house.

Is there any reason that I shouldn't let her know that I love her and will fight and do what ever it takes to save the M? She hasn't used the D word, but I don't think that matters. She has told me she is done.

Is there any reason I shouldn't do this? I feel like I have not been showing any backbone, it would be a 180, if it even matters at this point.

[gogofo]

Came home last night and W was cleaning up the house. She had removed our wedding pictures, to where I do not know. She was cleaning up her mess of clothes that had been strewn around our bedroom for the last month. Even though she was stress cleaning, it was nice to see it cleaned up.

We also went through a couple of boxes of items from our old house that had been sitting for three weeks. She had felt overwhelmed about putting things in places and now was motivated to go through them. She started splitting things as "hers" and "mine" which hurt a little, but I let it go and just helped out. It is nice to see her motivated to clean, I just don't like what I assume is her motivation.

I told her I did not know where I was going because I do not know how much money I will have, or need to spend a month until all of this straightens out.

Things were mildly tense, but peaceful and friendly.

I made some ravioli for dinner and we all sat down as a family and enjoyed ourselves. In fact the rest of the evening was enjoyable. It seems surreal that we could have an enjoyable evening, but we did. When the kids went to bed she even stayed up and watched TV with me and I made us a late night snack. She seemed less stressed and playful, that was very nice to see.

We went to bed in separate rooms after that.

So I just don't understand my situation. I don't know if she is acting "as if" or if she is actually enjoying herself. I don't know how I feel about the situation, other than enjoying our evening. I know I get my hopes up (create expectations) and I need to do better at stopping this issue.

I have spotted a house under construction that I might aim to buy if it is in my price range. Nothing I ever dreamed of, but the thought of it has me feeling happy about it for myself.

I need to journal and start free writing about "what do I want" and the thoughts I struggle with. One of them being that: as Feenix said,
"You can't "love someone enough" to make them come back...and you can't "nice" them back. All you can do is be a loving, kind person, truly and deeply for yourself. If your spouse sees that and comes back, that is AWESOME....but if not, still be that better person for yourself." My struggle with this being that I want to keep a happy and healthy environment in the home, but I still hope the W feels that she still wants the M. Sometimes I feel like I enable her to cake eat as I take care of the house, but this is me and how I like to treat people, I feel good helping out. I also sometimes feel like a doormat.

I laid in bed thinking about how resistant my W is to accepting help, she tries to be superwoman and do everything herself. I can relate. But I thought; what is so horrible about being M to someone who believes in your dreams, will step up and provide, wants to take care of you, and loves you? I have plenty of try left in me and cannot understand why she seems to resist my help or not want someone in her life like that? I just need to focus on me and stay out of her sandbox.

[gogofo]

Just got a text message that W wants to talk tonight about moving plans and I will also be contacted by her L about D papers she filed in November.

Well my stomach just dropped.

[gogofo]

Just got a voice mail from the XW of OM. My W is having an affair again.

!@#$@#

[Barrybran]

That svcks mate. I'm so sorry to hear that. Time to look after yourself and the kids now.

[Karma12]

So sorry to hear about your recent betrayl. This is your time to go dark. Pull right back. Focus on you and your kids. Drop the rope.

[gogofo]

We talked about how to split possessions ect. last night. I asked her what happened between us. Then I asked her if she was always faithful. She denied being physical with OM again, but said they had been talking about life, etc. together. So the EA started up. She said they talked again when school started, not during our last attempt.

It is hard to believe that we could be at this point in our R. We still have a strong deep bond. I told her flat out how I felt about her and us and our potential. I told her I did not believe that D is the answer. I told her I would be moving out, but not do "make" me sign the papers.

She isn't taking me for anything. Said she just wants a clean break. She thinks it is the answer to her problems.

It is going to be hard, but going dark and dropping the rope is all that is left. I will have to focus hard with the STFU because all I want to do is talk R with her, show her that I am fighting for us. It will be hard to change my mind set from showing her the fight in me to fighting by going dark.

I have tip-toed around her for the last couple of months scared that I would say or do something to break us. Now that I am "already dead", I am not scared to say anything about how I feel. I have to learn to fight this feeling now and go dark.

I just have to believe that this will be my only direction that may help, as counter intuitive as it feels.

[gogofo]

Not going to lie, I need a script or plan to run by for going dark and dropping the rope. It was easy when we were separated, but we live together now.

My idea is staying in the same room as the kids. If the kids are not there and W is, I leave and separate myself. When kids are in bed I go to a different room than W.

I will be pleasant to her, but not ask detailed questions about her day (this will be difficult).

If she follows or engages in me what do I do? Talk and be vague? Ignore her? Tell her that I don't want to talk?

I need a script so I can visualize my interactions and have a plan on what to do so I remain strong and don't slip up.

[Sotto]

Hi Gogofo

I'm so sorry for how your sitch has turned. As you say, probably dim/dark is the only way right now. You have already had a big talk and told her how you feel about the R. She knows that now, and 'going there' again in the near future will probably hinder rather than help.

If she's in touch with OM, her focus is there for now. And if your focus stays on her, that's just going to hurt even more. Best to try and shift your focus onto yourself as best you can and start moving forwards - I know it's painful.

But, she's not going to be looking over her shoulder right now, and probably not for a little while yet..

Best of luck to you x