I don't post many of my own threads but I had announced to some friends here that I was thinking about moving on and filing for D. My fWW has done everything a WS should do after they were caught in an affair/MLC and wanting to separate/leave the marriage.
She wised up years ago and has been her old self except for the massive guilt she carries now that all the fog is gone.
She has given me enough space to debate to stay in our long term marriage or cut ties and try again with someone new at some point in the future. I turned 50 and have done a tone of soul searching about that. Unlike what she did to me I won't leave her in limbo for years. I've decided to stay. I have invested my life with this person, have wonderful kids with her, and although she plunged a huge dagger right square into the middle of my heart, I do still love her.
With that said, if there had been even one shred of that MLC cockiness or cruelty left, even one tiny shred, then I'd be gone in a second.
The secret of success here was to truly do the 180, detach, move on, GAL, all that jazz. You can't fake it because they can tell and it will be completely ineffective. You have to really do it. Start a new life right now without them. They want to do their thing (WAS, WS, MLC, whatever) so you do your thing. For me that was reinventing myself to the person I dreamed of being when I was younger.
I started pushing my career and went from software developer that I had been for decades at the same level to being a Director of IT. Once I focused and applied myself I went from developer to manager to director in less than 3 years. Should have done this years ago but you can't change the past so don't regret it. Learn from it and move forward.
I also went back to the gym, lost 40lbs, got my 6 pack back, and feel better now than I did in my 20's. It's almost impossible to be depressed when you exercise regularly. The endorphins kill the depression.
I also gave up my cargo shorts, t-shirts, running shoes wardrobe that I wore 99% of the time. Wardrobe at work was just khakis and polo shirts. I scrapped it all. Started dressing way nicer all the time and that also made me feel better.
My wife wasn't a huge fan of live music but I've always LOVED it. I started calling old friends and re-engaging, going out to dive bars to watch bands, started going to more concerts, started having a blast.
Basically I became the person I should have always been. That was my fault in the marriage. I always put husband and father as my two most important roles in life but I did allow life to become too complacent, gained 30 lbs, dressed like a slob, lacked ambition, etc.
Anyway, all that worked. I'm pretty sure it'll work for a lot of you. For some it won't and you have to be honest about that. By the time a spouse walks out on a marriage, a lot of times that's it. It's over. NONE of the relationship guru's have a winning record. They lose more than they win. That's just the nature of it. What I'll say about MWD's 180, and all that goes with it, is that I fully believe it'll give you your absolute best chance to save your M if it's still savable.
The only thing I changed was the "wait and see" approach. Limbo was sucking the life out of me. Literally killing me. Depression and constant sadness drove my blood pressure up, was giving me heart palpitations, etc. I did the "wait and see" for almost 3 years. That was about 2.5 years too much. I think you have to set a goal time to fish or cut bait. Limbo is hell.
I chose to cut bait. I did all the things above for myself and filed for D. All the sudden I didn't look so bad anymore. My new life was awesome and her new MLC/cheater/douche bag AP life didn't look so glamorous. Her own friends were asking her about our status and saying how great "TxHubby" looks.
That works, my friends. Every single one of you can get in shape, do GAL, dress better, feel better, move on, build a great new life. That literally makes you extremely attractive. Not only will your WAS/WS notice 99% of the time but so will others and your WAS/WS will HATE that. I'd post my progress on Facebook and women that we both knew were eating that up and responding. They heard I was going to be back on the market again and saw that I was no longer a chubby, poorly dressed, unambitious guy.
The thing I learned most is that doing this for yourself sets you up for a no-lose scenario. There are only two outcomes. First, your WAS/WS responds, breaks down, wants another chance, and is remorseful. That's what happened to me. The only warning I give you there is once your new life is humming along great, you may not want this pathetic cheater in your life anymore. I battled those feelings and still do to some degree. Now I know I'm too good to tolerate this. I have options.
The second outcome is that still doesn't pull them back. They really do still want out or had an exit affair and your M is dead and gone. You'll also be ok in this scenario because you built this great new you and great new life. If they don't respond, others will. Trust me, I know. You'll have options.
Anyway, my wife and I wish all of you good fortune. I won't wish you luck because you make your own luck. You can do this.
I had announced to some friends here that I was thinking about moving on and filing for D.
So what made you decide to change your mind?
You wrote this but was their something else?
Quote:
She has given me enough space to debate to stay in our long term marriage or cut ties and try again with someone new at some point in the future. I turned 50 and have done a tone of soul searching about that. Unlike what she did to me I won't leave her in limbo for years. I've decided to stay. I have invested my life with this person, have wonderful kids with her, and although she plunged a huge dagger right square into the middle of my heart, I do still love her.
I had announced to some friends here that I was thinking about moving on and filing for D.
So what made you decide to change your mind?
You wrote this but was their something else?
Quote:
She has given me enough space to debate to stay in our long term marriage or cut ties and try again with someone new at some point in the future. I turned 50 and have done a tone of soul searching about that. Unlike what she did to me I won't leave her in limbo for years. I've decided to stay. I have invested my life with this person, have wonderful kids with her, and although she plunged a huge dagger right square into the middle of my heart, I do still love her.
I really just weighed the pro's and con's of staying in my marriage vs D and moving forward in other directions. Where I struggled is that I didn't go half way on the 180/GAL/detach. I really did it. I had let her go in my heart because keeping her in there was killing me and she kept hurting me. What the experts don't always tell you is that if this works and your WS/WAS wants back in, as mine did, that you might not want them back. You might have detached to the point where you question if this is a person you even want to be with anymore. Especially when you find out they're not exactly the person you always thought they were. If anyone had ever said my wife would cheat on me I would have laughed in their face. If you had surveyed anyone who has ever known us who they thought would cheat they would have said me. Nobody would have said her yet I've never cheated and she did (big time).
Anyway, that's all MLC water under the bridge. She's "back". She's sane again. I can see it and feel it. I always knew she was cheating even when I didn't know. I was never an absentee husband. I felt something was off from the very start but trusted her. If she ever falls back into those ways I'd know it in a second and would walk.
Another bonus of programs like this is it gave me the strength that if anything like this happened again I'd walk in a second with head held high knowing I'll be just fine. The strength I've gained is seeded in the knowledge that I want my wife but I don't need her. I don't need anyone for my happiness, I can provide that for myself.
I have decades invested with her. Although we officially had our 30th anniversary last year I don't really count it because she ruined that marriage in the 26th year. I have yet to celebrate an anniversary.
I think it's worth growing old with her. She still has many qualities I love. She's smart, funny, kind (as funny as that is to say), compassionate (as funny as that is to say), and loyal (as funny as that is to say). She's no longer on a pedestal but maybe that was my fault in the first place for putting her on one. I always said she was a perfect wife. I used to joke with her that she was like Mary Poppins, practically perfect in every way. I'd tell her she has a pure soul, one of the purest I'd ever come across. In retrospect that was a lot for her to live up to. That's my fault and I accept it. She's just a person and none of us are perfect. She screwed up and almost ruined her life. She carries that now and I can see that it bothers her and probably always will.
In the end, I still love her and know that nobody is perfect and that I'd rather grow into an old geezer with her, caring for each other as our bodies eventually decay, and some day when either of us are on our death bed that the other's face will be the last thing we see as we leave this place.
That vision of the future was more appealing to me than a similar vision with someone else. I know I could find that if I wanted but I've realized I already have it so I'm staying. I'm all in and will never bring up her MLC/cheating again unless she does.
In the end, I still love her and know that nobody is perfect and that I'd rather grow into an old geezer with her, caring for each other as our bodies eventually decay, and some day when either of us are on our death bed that the other's face will be the last thing we see as we leave this place.
That vision of the future was more appealing to me than a similar vision with someone else. I know I could find that if I wanted but I've realized I already have it so I'm staying. I'm all in and will never bring up her MLC/cheating again unless she does.
Dang, TxHubby, that's amazing! Really happy for you! And all that you posted up there even made me tear up just a bit. (Im a bit a of a closet "sap", at least for a dude.) I know I have been reading your stuff for a while, and have been able to sense the hard feelings you still had for your wife, even though you were moving on and becoming completely happy with your own self and life. So, so happy for you that she found her way back and that you found it in your heart to reconcile. You beat the odds-- I guess you really were the "lighthouse."
And reading you is helping me. After reading your latest, i am coming more to the conclusion that it is detachment that I am struggling the most with in my own sitch. Self improvement, check. 180s, check. But I still let what the W is up to bother me too much, and as such it is still a dagger to the gut whenever she does something hurtful. Mine is not cocky and manipulative, etc., but actually somewhat contrite, though she is defensive, and has not come around to full-on remorse. It is quite possible that she will fall into the "exit affair" or "the marriage is just plain dead/done" categories. But I hope, and I have faith that God has something good planned for me whether with my W or without. There are little signs here and there... but perhaps I just need to be less concerned about those until they become obvious and SHE approaches me.
Thanks for your insights, they are really helpful, and, again, I am very, very happy for you.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Dang, TxHubby, that's amazing! Really happy for you! And all that you posted up there even made me tear up just a bit. (Im a bit a of a closet "sap", at least for a dude.) I know I have been reading your stuff for a while, and have been able to sense the hard feelings you still had for your wife, even though you were moving on and becoming completely happy with your own self and life. So, so happy for you that she found her way back and that you found it in your heart to reconcile. You beat the odds-- I guess you really were the "lighthouse."
And reading you is helping me. After reading your latest, i am coming more to the conclusion that it is detachment that I am struggling the most with in my own sitch. Self improvement, check. 180s, check. But I still let what the W is up to bother me too much, and as such it is still a dagger to the gut whenever she does something hurtful. Mine is not cocky and manipulative, etc., but actually somewhat contrite, though she is defensive, and has not come around to full-on remorse. It is quite possible that she will fall into the "exit affair" or "the marriage is just plain dead/done" categories. But I hope, and I have faith that God has something good planned for me whether with my W or without. There are little signs here and there... but perhaps I just need to be less concerned about those until they become obvious and SHE approaches me.
Thanks for your insights, they are really helpful, and, again, I am very, very happy for you.
If you're "faking" the detaching they can tell. She knows she still owns your heart, can hurt you, and that gives her power over you. You're co-dependent. Your happiness is tied too much to her. You have to really detach. Her activities or words couldn't hurt you if you're too busy out having a great life to hear or see them.
Too many of us try to fake our way through 180, GAL, detachment, etc. I did. It doesn't work. You have to plan AND execute your new life without her and make it a great one. Let her see it but not be a part of it. Show her that you're first prize and not a consolation prize. Be her plan A...or if not her, then someone else's in the future. Never be anyone's plan B. That's too soul crushing. You'll hate yourself for it. I've followed your story and I think your situation is savable. You have to be willing to let her go to bring her back. So let her go and start living your great new life right now.
If you're "faking" the detaching they can tell. She knows she still owns your heart, can hurt you, and that gives her power over you. You're co-dependent. Your happiness is tied too much to her. You have to really detach. Her activities or words couldn't hurt you if you're too busy out having a great life to hear or see them.
Too many of us try to fake our way through 180, GAL, detachment, etc. I did. It doesn't work.
The only other thing I will add is that you can think of detachment like peeling an onion, it has layers, so I agree you need to come to a place of real detachment, however it takes time and is done in layers and stages.
Too many of us try to fake our way through 180, GAL, detachment, etc. I did. It doesn't work.
The only other thing I will add is that you can think of detachment like peeling an onion, it has layers, so I agree you need to come to a place of real detachment, however it takes time and is done in layers and stages.
Agree. Nobody is prepared to 'be detached' out of the gate at BD.
I think it takes faking it for a bit to gain footing before you can proceed to the next 'layer'.
