Prior to last weekend my W had made a request to meet my parents on her next visit to the house. The meeting went well. Only stayed for an hour. Both parties - could see a change, both my W (with my interactions and atmosphere with my parents) and also parents (identified a few situations where previously I would have made a comment towards W that didn’t happen).
After we drove home the W advised that even though she went to my parents because she genuinely missed them, she admitted that she was curious to see if the changes I had made in myself (that she can see), had also extended into my other close relationships with my parents. In essence, making sure that all of this isn't a "act" just for her. She felt a completely different atmosphere and was more at ease than usual and all parties were comfortable and understanding that it was a rebuilding stage but not enough for it to affect the enjoyment of the evening. She advised she was impressed and felt so much better.
We spent the following day together and had a fantastic day.
A lot of the talk over the weekend from W, was centred around her hopes for the future. She is keen to purchase a dog, and has made no secret of her desire of us having a child in the future and feels an excitement that there is a potential for a brighter future again for us both. But for the time being, we will continue to date once a week and get used to spending a dedicated day together for a few more months so that we are both 100% convinced that moving forward together is something we both want.
She apologised twice during the day for 'breaking us both' - but it was something she had to do. She was not happy and was petrified that the dream life we had planned was all going wrong, and thought getting married and being a husband would "snap me out of it", and make me become the person she finds in front of her today. But it didn’t so she saw no other option but to leave.
She says she is very proud of how I have handled this period, as in truth she was very very concerned I would do something silly, or start to let myself go, miss days off work etc.. And just go off the deep end.
The fact that this didn’t happen, and the fact that despite my own pain, I have grown and allowed her to come to this decision herself (i.e. not contacting her for 4/5 days at a time and never asking once for a conclusion in 6 months) it allowed her to process and go through her own personal journey and feel strong enough to look at things in a more logical i.e. less emotional mind set.
She apologised for not being more vocal about her unhappiness. She advises that she has thought about it from my point of view and states that I could never have understood how unhappy she was if she never really discussed it with me.
After returning to work on Monday, I received a txt to ask my availability for this coming weekend.
I advised I was busy on Friday and on Saturday day but was free after that. She then asked if I was interested in coming for a meal with herself and her parents on Saturday night and then sleep at her parents house with her. We would then drive back in the morning to our house, she would sleep with me at ours on Sunday and go to work from there.
I agreed and am looking forward to it.
Yesterday while at home I receive a picture message of her evening meal, and I sent her one back of mine. Mine was simply noodles and we both laughed at how rubbish I am at cooking compared to her.
She finished off by saying "That’s not good enough food for you, don’t worry, you wont be eating stuff like that anymore if we keep on moving like we are".
I sent a smiley face back and left it at that.
So there we are.
Advise for anyone going through this journey.. Do NOT give up, focus on yourself, let the relationship go, do NOT try to pressure and just get on with improving your life for yourself - without the need to receive a pat on the back from anyone. Stay positive do NOT let the dark days knock you off course and prepare for the worst but hope for the best and do not "wait" for anyone. THIS IS A LIFE CHANGE - NOT A TRICK OR TECHNIQUE TO GET WAS BACK!!
Yes, finally Benito. Been waiting for this update and it didn't disappoint. I am so glad for you. Let us know how the weekend goes.
Quote:
Advise for anyone going through this journey.. Do NOT give up, focus on yourself, let the relationship go, do NOT try to pressure and just get on with improving your life for yourself - without the need to receive a pat on the back from anyone. Stay positive do NOT let the dark days knock you off course and prepare for the worst but hope for the best and do not "wait" for anyone. THIS IS A LIFE CHANGE - NOT A TRICK OR TECHNIQUE TO GET WAS BACK!!
That's the stuff. LIFE CHANGE for reals. Exactly what I needed to read today. You the bawsss Benito.
Just remember to reflect back each week so you'll be sure you never fall back to the old habits. It's too easy to gradually go back to the auto-pilot mode, without even noticing. Marriage requires work and I'm sure you'll do this. This made you much stronger.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
Great update B! Glad things are continuing to progress. I agree with LC, your biggest danger is slipping back into old ways. Keeping a relationship strong is a never-ending process, it is work. Sometimes it's extremely hard work. Just be mindful of that.
I see a lot of people here who just flat do not understand the concept of lovingly detaching, but you are a master at it. I hope people who are tripping across this thread bother to go back and read your sitch from the beginning and really take it in. You got some great advice along the way and you worked hard to follow it even when often you felt your situation was hopeless. Your journey is inspirational.
Describe how you lovingly detached since I can't refresh myself with your thread? I think I am doing a decent job it by would like some more insight. Thanks!
Prior to last weekend my W had made a request to meet my parents on her next visit to the house. The meeting went well. Only stayed for an hour. Both parties - could see a change, both my W (with my interactions and atmosphere with my parents) and also parents (identified a few situations where previously I would have made a comment towards W that didn’t happen).
After we drove home the W advised that even though she went to my parents because she genuinely missed them, she admitted that she was curious to see if the changes I had made in myself (that she can see), had also extended into my other close relationships with my parents. In essence, making sure that all of this isn't a "act" just for her. She felt a completely different atmosphere and was more at ease than usual and all parties were comfortable and understanding that it was a rebuilding stage but not enough for it to affect the enjoyment of the evening. She advised she was impressed and felt so much better.
We spent the following day together and had a fantastic day.
A lot of the talk over the weekend from W, was centred around her hopes for the future. She is keen to purchase a dog, and has made no secret of her desire of us having a child in the future and feels an excitement that there is a potential for a brighter future again for us both. But for the time being, we will continue to date once a week and get used to spending a dedicated day together for a few more months so that we are both 100% convinced that moving forward together is something we both want.
She apologised twice during the day for 'breaking us both' - but it was something she had to do. She was not happy and was petrified that the dream life we had planned was all going wrong, and thought getting married and being a husband would "snap me out of it", and make me become the person she finds in front of her today. But it didn’t so she saw no other option but to leave.
She says she is very proud of how I have handled this period, as in truth she was very very concerned I would do something silly, or start to let myself go, miss days off work etc.. And just go off the deep end.
The fact that this didn’t happen, and the fact that despite my own pain, I have grown and allowed her to come to this decision herself (i.e. not contacting her for 4/5 days at a time and never asking once for a conclusion in 6 months) it allowed her to process and go through her own personal journey and feel strong enough to look at things in a more logical i.e. less emotional mind set.
She apologised for not being more vocal about her unhappiness. She advises that she has thought about it from my point of view and states that I could never have understood how unhappy she was if she never really discussed it with me.
After returning to work on Monday, I received a txt to ask my availability for this coming weekend.
I advised I was busy on Friday and on Saturday day but was free after that. She then asked if I was interested in coming for a meal with herself and her parents on Saturday night and then sleep at her parents house with her. We would then drive back in the morning to our house, she would sleep with me at ours on Sunday and go to work from there.
I agreed and am looking forward to it.
Yesterday while at home I receive a picture message of her evening meal, and I sent her one back of mine. Mine was simply noodles and we both laughed at how rubbish I am at cooking compared to her.
She finished off by saying "That’s not good enough food for you, don’t worry, you wont be eating stuff like that anymore if we keep on moving like we are".
I sent a smiley face back and left it at that.
So there we are.
Advise for anyone going through this journey.. Do NOT give up, focus on yourself, let the relationship go, do NOT try to pressure and just get on with improving your life for yourself - without the need to receive a pat on the back from anyone. Stay positive do NOT let the dark days knock you off course and prepare for the worst but hope for the best and do not "wait" for anyone. THIS IS A LIFE CHANGE - NOT A TRICK OR TECHNIQUE TO GET WAS BACK!!
B,
I will totally admit that reading this made me cry. It's is good to see it working out for you and I pray that I can go through a journey similar to yours, changing dropping the rope, etc. I know that in less than 3 weeks I will be divorced. But I also know that there will always a small possibility of recon.
I am so happy for you, and hope to follow your example.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Glad you're back and all sounding so positive. You have really embraced this even though at times you thought you couldn't you did and you are very obviously much happier in yourself regardless of your W. I'm in limbo at the minute as I lost my Dad very unexpectedly last week so sitch with my H is on hold for now. He is in the house for the kids although in the pare room and has been incredibly supportive, however I am holding back in order that IF we start to piece then it is done properly and over a lot of time. Keep going mate you're doing great.
SJ
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
