So some background. My wife met me while I was in the military. I think it was a big part of what she liked about me: strong confident, in control. Etc. I worked hard and finished school and got a great corporate job. That's when things started slipping away.
One day she came home from work and told me she wanted a divorce. That she doesn't feel the same way anymore. That she loves me but is not in love with me, etc. We had a short argument. Anyhow. I totally screwed up Sandi's rules because I didn't know about them at the time.
I got her flowers, cards, and reiterated that I believe in our marriage and our family. She has a son and I have a son, so blended family but none together. Anyhow, all that stuff backfired. Shortly after I found this forum.
For about a week I've been working on GAL and have started taking night classes, wearing better clothes and cologne. Dropped a noticeable amount of weight. Working out more. Never calling her first. Doing some simple chores I know always annoyed her, yet leaving enough chores for her to do so I'm not Suzy home maker.
She has made comments like "Why are you making all these changes now that it's too late?" To which I just ignore her. She's also complimenting me on how I look all the time. So I know she has noticed my changes.
However, she is still making baseless accusations and projecting her negative feelings towards me. She isn't making rational sense.
She is doing WW stuff like telling me about how she gets attention as the the gym from guys. She stays out late with her friends. Tells me she is flirting with guys. I ignore her traps but acknowledge her feelings. I've stayed calm the whole time.
She told me she doesn't feel safe so I told her that she needs to get her son and leave then, for her safety. I then left the house. She called and apologized for how she acted.
She has been to an attorney and she said she filed for divorce, but I know she did not yet. I am trying to buy time to GAL and win her respect back.
She won't move out of the house with her kid and makes excuses as to why, including that I've "trapped" her. That she feels like I'd damage the house with her gone, etc. Simple but strange behavior for her.
I think I can save this because it's so early. I'm asking you guys for help. I really do miss her.
I think if she really wanted to leave, she'd be gone by now. Clinging to the house is uncharacteristic of her. She's someone who is very independent and assertive. If she wanted to move out she could have arranged it in a day's notice.
Thanks for your help everyone. Does it sound like I have hope? Or should I cut losses and quit?
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
She is mid 30's. She has a full time job making good money. Boys are both teens in HS. Married 6 years. No serious problems in the past worth divorce. No infidelity. No financial problems. No unemployment. No devastating loss of loved ones. No scandals.
This is all new. She is lumping a lot of general annoyances together and saying it's what led to this. She tells me sorrowfully that this is what she wants and it's not anything I did. Based on some data I believe she has a crush on another guy, however she has not cheated. Yet.
She apologizes for wanting the divorce.
She still asks me things like how my day is going. She will try to make small talk. But she keeps wanting to get me to agree to her divorce terms. I have already told her I don't want a divorce and she will have to really think about how much she wants this. She wants to be "fair" but that just really means she wants money from selling all of our property to start over in her "new and improved" life.
Can anyone give me tips on how to converse with her regarding the divorce? I don't want to commit to anything, especially now. This is the main topic of discussion she brings up. She wants money from selling our things.
She wants to just walk away from us. She wants me to make it easy. She's trying to push me over.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
She keeps saying her mind is made up and she doesn't love me anymore. She is not acting normal. She dropped the bomb out of the blue. One week we were intimate and ML, the next week she asked for D. I mean, just out of the blue. Boom. Very strange and irrational behavior from such a logical person.
She is still doing some parental things, but she has removed all traces of me from her social media. She wants to act like a single girl.
I understand it may take time to reconcile this M. However, I know she will eventually press forward with the D papers. My time is short.
She accused me of boxing her in so she is defensive about everything I do or say. I'm always wrong, which I'm sure is typical.
We have been sleeping in separate rooms since I started LRT steps. Her focus is still trying to convince me to give her the easiest divorce ever.
I just don't want to do that. I hope this passes soon.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
That is so devastating. It sounds like you're doing the right things and I'm sure there's still hope. Maybe she wants to end it so she can be with another man but how is she confident it would work out with that man? That sounds like a big risk to throw everything away.
I'm new here as well and don't know what the DB book says about this specific issue (I lost and re-ordered it). What comes to my mind in terms of stalling for time, separate from the DB book, would be to ask her to try x, y, or z first and if those don't work then you'll agree to the divorce but will be working to ensure it's fair. Maybe you can offer the option of waiting six months, going to counseling, or living separately, or something along those lines.
I imagine you could just agree to get divorced and perhaps re-married in the future if she comes back in a year or two begging to try again, and you want to take her back on your terms, but divorces are so expensive.
I hope you'll get some other more useful responses. It sounds like what you're already doing is making a difference so that's good news!
I have suggested counseling, faith based counseling and everything. She says her mind is made up. Our kids have become very close and I'm sure it's breaking their hearts but she is steadfast and she is very assertive (one of my favorite things about her).
I'm so broken inside. Each day is a struggle. But I know our kids are worth it.
I think she has lost respect for me so I've corrected a good bit of my behavior to the point that she verbally recognized all of the things I've done to change. I know this is short term and I must stay consistent. That is not hard for me because I am patient and I love her dearly. I believe she's my soul mate.
She thinks it's over. Some guy out there has given her the attention she wants, regardless of how much attention I used to shower her with.
She is looking to greener pastures and thinking only of herself.
I really need help. I don't know how to communicate with her when she asks for D. I just tell her I need time to think. This whole situation is less than a month old.
I feel so lost. I'm about to lose my wife and best friend. I just picked up DR and will read it.
I have always honored her, supported her decisions, been helpful, kind, loving, and I've never been abusive. I'm a very good husband. But apparently not the man she wants to love anymore.
I'm desperate and feeling all alone.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Best advice I can give you is to keep doing what your doing. There might be an OM that you don't know about or a potential OM that she is thinking about. Its good to have hope, but think of her as a loss. Nothing you say will convince her otherwise. Your W will have to find things out the hard way much like other WS talked about on this forum. If she ask for D, then tell her to present you with the documents. And if it looks fair, then give her what she wants. All resistance will just upset her more.
Well that sounds like I should give up on this idea of ever winning her back. Tough pill to swallow. Cut my losses and move on.
I had no solid, overt warnings that this was going to happen to us. I understand that GAL is good for me. It just [censored] because my life was my wife and family. I put everything into them. I didn't need to GAL, I had what I wanted. She didn't.
I'd like to avoid losing my home and family before my WW comes to her senses. But maybe that's an unrealistic hope.
Well, I guess I can just give her what she wants. It will be faster, I suppose.
[censored] to do this at Christmas.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
