I need support and guidance from anyone who has gone through similar situation as mine.
I've been married for 18 years. I have 2 teenagers boys. My wife dropped the bomb last July telling me that she didn't love me and wanted to separate. I had not seen it coming. I thought we had a good marriage and a normal life. She blamed me for everything and said i abused her psychologically and emotionally, and that I had belittled her. At first, I took all the blame and apologized. I then did a 180 degrees and totally changed. I became kind and loving, got her gifts, tried to be fun and lighthearted all the time. I avoided any fight or arguing. I started helping out much more in house duties and with the kids. I became a great father.
Between July and December, it was a roller coaster. She would come back to me and say everything is back to normal. And then we would have a great time for a few weeks. And then she would become distant again. In August, I discovered that there was someone else at her work. She told me she loved him, but that nothing had happened except flirting and some text messages. I was devastated but then gathered my strength and told her she had to choose either me or him. She texted me back and told me that she chose me and that she loved me. For a moment, I felt she loved me. She said all this was due to her. She promised that she cut all contact with that individual who didn't work with her anymore. But slowly, she started distancing herself again. She would go out most of the day. She stopped caring at all about the kids or the house. I tried to be patient and kind although I was hurting. I did everything in the house in addition to my full time job. She kept saying that she knew I changed but that it was too late.
Then, in December, she told me that she wanted to leave. Without telling me, she rented an apartment, and told me she would leave in Xmas time. She still said that she only needed some time to realize herself but that she would still come home and spend time with us. We never fought during that time. I tried to convince her not to leave but she would look at me as if I was a total stranger.
She also became the total opposite of who she was before. She became very selfish and told me that it was ok to be selfish. She cursed God, criticized family life, said she didn't believe in marriage anymore,talked negatively about the idea of having children, etc.
After she moved out, she got an apartment with 3 bedrooms and for the first 2 months, we would talk on the phone sometimes and she would tell me everything she was doing. But most of the time, she wouldn't answer my phone calls. I had the kids full time. She didn't seem interested in seeing her kids at all. They would go spend a day with her on the week-end every other week on average. But she is only concerned about herself. She is studying and working at the same time. She makes very little money but is trying hard to improve her work situation. She lies a lot, hides things, manipulates, etc. She also lies a lot to our kids. She does anything to distant herself from our family. We still went out as a family a couple of times and we had a good time. I went out with her alone a couple of times too and we chatted and laughed.
Since March, I decided to stop calling her (she didn't answer anyway). I haven't seen her now nor talked to her for more than 2 months. About a month ago, I left her a message telling her I didn't understand what happened to her and that she was in a life crisis. She sent me an angry message saying that she wanted to divorce. I ignored the message.
Now, we almost don't communicate at all except a few text messages to tell her when I am traveling for work so she can take the kids. That's basically the only times she sees the kids and she makes sure to return them the day I am coming back. On her 40th birthday, the kids got her gifts but she didn't even care to see the kids. On the kids birthday last week (both are born the same day with 4 years apart), she called them but didn't try to see them. Today, on mother's day, the kids called her but she didn't answer. She lies to them saying she has to study but I know she goes out most of the day.
I also learned from common friends that after she left in January, she met with some of her girlfriends (all of them married) and they had a party and they called it a divorce party.
I am now trying to detach and live my life. I don't know what will happen, but I expect that she will be asking for divorce. I feel that she is already seeking legal advice. I also know now that this has nothing to do with me. This has all to do with her. The problem is that I cannot detach and I keep on thinking about this all day long. I feel depressed and I don't know how to be happy again and move on with my life.
Any advice?
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I am fairly new here- you will meet up with some very wonderful people on this site. people rich with knowledge and experience. First of all you are not alone. We all came here because we are all hurting and wanting information. From what I understand, the best thing you can so know is take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself.Be strong for you and your kids. You cannot control your W all you can do is control you. Focus on you so that in the end no matter what- you become the best you possible with or with out W. I am in a very similar situation I met my wife at church and now she no longer attends with S and I. I don't know what the future holds but I need to be the best me. Good luck on your journey.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
No doubt your are in a difficult position. After reading your OP it seems that you have a fairly good handle one what you need to do in theory, but have struggled in the execution of that. Don't worry, a lot of us have made the very same mistakes.
First make sure to read Cadet's response, follow the links do all of the reading. It will give you invaluable information and advice on how to deal.
I don't think I am telling you don't already know by telling you she is probably still involved with the OM. By this point it has probably gone physical. In fact, I don't know of a guy who would cheat with a married woman that would hold out this long with it only being emotional. So you need to brace yourself for that.
Another marriage expert (not MWD) has said, and it is something I truly believe, that a W doesn't need their own place to figure things out or find themselves, they need their own place to sleep with other people. All of the markers of waywardness are there. Likely you are dealing with a WW not merely a WAW. sandi2, a very knowledgeable poster here that is also a former WW describes the selfishness of a WW, and it mirrors what you are describing above.
Pay particular attention to sandi's rules, especially this one: believe nothing she says and only half of what she does.
I think you did the right thing in not calling her. It appears that the LRT is your best course of action. One thing I would like to point out, you mentioned how long it has been at various points, and timing is important. But buckle in because these things take a long time to come to any resolution.
Finally, if you do not want divorce, then my suggestion is to not lift a finger to help with the D. WWs are notoriously lazy about ending their M. Likely she won't file, but she will, as you suggest, continue to ask for a D when she interacts with you. Make her do the work. Make her file. Make her do the heavy lifting. In most states, when kids are involved, D is not a simple thing. WWs don't want to deal with it. Her tactic likely will be to continue to do what she is doing hoping you will finally tire of everything and file. Note, I said if you don't want D then don't do anything. If that ever changes, obviously it is well within your rights to file.
Sorry you are here. If you are lucky one of our resident experts will take interest in your sitch and will offer their amazing advice.
Also, make sure to read DB/DR (MWD's books) and to start GAL, and taking care of yourself.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It blows my mind how the maternal instinct of a WW can just vanish overnight. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Like Steve said, read the links in Cadet's posts. They are invaluable. Good luck, man...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
Thank you everyone. I will read all the articles that Cadet sent. Thank you. I actually started reading and it is great stuff. I had already read some of it a few months back, but I hadn't had the courage to post my story yet.
Please continue to provide support and guidance. this is very helpful.
I have a question. I read on the WW thread that "A H should never do everything and leave her with no responsibilities". How about the kids? Do I force her to take responsibility for the kids, like for example sending her my boys for at least 50% of the time or more since I almost had them full time for the past 5 months and I've been doing all the work at home, taking care of their activities, school, etc.?
I'm just afraid if I do that, I would be harming my own kids. How else can I not leave her with no responsibility if she left and living in her own place?
I will post this on the WW thread as well
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
How about finances? Do I stop paying her bills? To be fair, she pays most of her expenses except her car lease and the car insurance. But that still represents close to $500 per month. She cannot afford that and would need to start taking money from her little safety net. She also uses the joint account to buy things for the kids the rare times they are with her.
I am afraid if I do that, it could seem as if I am trying to punish her and this could force her into divorce procedures because she will think that divorce will get her a financial protection.
But on the other hand, saving $500 per month will come a long way for me and the kids.
Any advice?
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
I'm a newbie but my sense is that you have to take care of yourself and your kids first and foremost. Outside of that, let your wife fend for herself. You can't control her, but you can control yourself and your care for the kids.
In terms of getting started, I found it really helpful to print out the detachment thread and read it every day, highlighting the elements that I find relevant. It really seems to be the key to everything in this process imo.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Of course, I suspect that she could still be having an affair, but to be honest I don't have any proof that she is. Since last August when she told me that she cut all contact with that individual and that nothing physical had happened, I haven't seen anything to proof otherwise. Other than her spending a lot of time out of the house (when she was still living with me) and lying a lot to me and to the kids.
Should I try to spy to find out?
Would it change anything whether she is still in an affair? Isn't the fact that she had this emotional affair and all the other things she is doing enough?
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
