Need advice on detaching- Part 2

[kiro]

Previous thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2797515&#Post2797515

This week, I took the kids on a trip with some friends. This is the first time that we do such a trip without my W. It is awkward, but we're having fun.

I had a moment of weakness when I saw other kids with their moms. I talked with a friend and told her that my W hadn't seen our kids for a month. I later on asked her not to mention to W that I talked with her.

While thinking about it, I realized that I don't need my W. True that the kids need their mother, but I'd rather deal with them alone. If she doesn't realize it herself, then there is no hope. Even when she sees them, she doesn't show them any affection and no interest whatsoever in what they do.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that she has serious issues within herself. For a mother to walk away from her kids shows serious emotional/psychological issues that she hasn't figured yet.

Instead of hoping for her to be more available for them, I'll just have to double my efforts with them and get them to see IC.

As for her, I don't know what to wish her anymore. I don't know if there is any hope for her. She may continue living her life as a zombie, acting happy on the outside and hiding her inner pains from everyone else.

She has always been afraid of opening up to anyone. She hides her feelings from anyone. She may be living a euphoria right now because she ran away from her family and kids. She is maybe excited about the change, the lack of responsibility and possibly a new EA/PA (if there is one), but sooner or later, her inner reality will catch up to her and she will start feeling the same void inside.

She may live running away all her life, lonely and without any real connection to anyone. Who knows?

[LoneWlf]

Kiro- We all want all our unanswered question to be answered. We would all know the mindset of our spouse and what they are thinking. They may choose to take this time to run from us but they will never be able to run away from themselves. They may or may not confront the skeletons in the closet. I too have a W that has had very little contact with my S. In my sitch I equate that to a slow and painful death. To help me understand Cadet put it this way.

Have you ever come across a wounded animal at the side of the road?

When you approached it and tried to help. it snarled at you.

Maybe it was your dog that loved you its whole life.
But now it was hurting so bad that it just snarled,
leave me alone.
Do not touch me.

OK - That is your wife.

My response was.

Cadet you put an interesting spin on this topic- are you suggesting my W is wounded and only has the capacity for survival?

I hope this helps you to understand or even give you a different perspective. Blessings!

[kiro]

Thanks LoneWlf. Yes it does put an interesting perspective. As my DB coach put it, I am an insightful person I am always happy to add new perspectives to my long list that I've built over the past 11 months

I could "explain" what happened in so many different ways and describe it from various angles. I don't know where the reality is.

I know that there is pain involved. I know that deep down no one is a bad person. No one wants to be the bad person.

I know that no one can be totally objective when describing reality, when judging ourselves and formulating an opinion about others.

I know that what we read, what we watch, what we listened to, where we live, and the people we befriend all affect us and influence what we do.

I know that our views can change over time. I know that we can get confused about wrong and right.

I know that we fear death and we fear aging. I know that there comes a time (or many times) in our life when we feel that we haven't achieved our dreams and that life is short.

I know that feelings and emotions can vary and cannot be trusted. I know that feelings that we thought would live forever, can actually die.

I know that everything is relative. Marriage, commitment, faith, kids, family... everything can be questioned.

And I know what pain feels like. I've had my own share of it during my life. We think that no one can understand our pain. And we want to end it at any price. People will do the most irresponsible things to end their pains.

But one of the biggest blessings that God has given me over the past year is the ability to connect with and share the universal pain. I have become much more empathetic and am able now to connect much easier with others because I now understand that what everyone is actually looking for is that connection and the feeling that we are understood.

And that's what my W and I failed to share during our 17 years of marriage.

[kiro]

It would be nice if I could get closure. How nice would it be if I could convince my wife that we both need closure and that it would be nice for each of us to explain to the other openly everything that happened from his/her point of view during the marriage. Instead of guessing every day what happened and why she did what she did, it would be nice if she explained it all. I would just listen and not say anything. Then, I would explain openly everything that I felt and why I behaved the way I did during our marriage.

That would help get closure, but it would go completely against the LRT. I don't think she would accept to do this anyway. Thoughts?

[sandi2]

I don't think it would work that way. Both of you would disagree at some points, get upset, and in the end....go your separate ways. I think you will have to find closure through acceptance of the situation. Don't misunderstand what I mean. You don't have to like it, or agree with it, but if you can't change it......then you have to accept it is what it is.

Until you reach the place of acceptance, the sitch owns you. Your life will be put on hold.

[kiro]

If thinking about it 24 hrs a day for the past 11 months means that the sitch owns me, then it definitely does

[Kronar]

I think we all obsess over the "why?" and closure. I have had a lot of time on my hands. So I went through 11 years of emails (I work out of the country 50% of the time and other 50% at home) I had a literal record of every fight we ever had and it enabled me to find out why our relationship was never any good. Basically I realized that my wife called every single shot over every major decision and I had to like it or lump it. End of discussion Wife win 100% me 0%. Don't get me wrong we all play a part in why it fails but for me at least I know why now. It would be nice if she could ever realize it too but that is her issue not mine. She will carry this issue to the next person she is with. I think if you have the time you can analyse your situation and get closure without her input. I did not need her input at all.

[sandi2]

Hi Kiro, I hope you will come back and tell us how things are going.

[kiro]

Hi Sandi, Hi everyone

It has been a couple of weeks since my last post. Things are pretty much the same. I'm still struggling... one day I am Ok and I think I have finally succeeded in detaching. But then the next day, I feel depressed again and I start questioning again and I start getting feelings of anger, resentment, etc.

There is still no contact whatsoever with my W. The kids spent last week with her (Monday eve to Friday morning) because I was traveling on business. I had sent her a 1-line message before to let her know I was traveling. She responded with "Ok no problem".

Then I called the kids on Tuesday to check on them. Their mom (my W), who hadn't seen them for a month although she lives less than 5 minutes away, had gone out from the morning and told them she will come back late at night. This was Tuesday, the 1st day they were spending with her (since they arrived at her place Monday evening). They had no idea where she was. It's maybe relevant to mention that she doesn't work all summer. She only has 1 class she is taking online, so that wouldn't even justify her going out since she studies at home on her computer. So both she and the kids are on summer vacation and she could have spent the day with them.

Anyway, I thought this was totally irresponsible and so I called her and left her a voice message (she never answers my calls and rarely answers her kids calls) saying something like "I can't believe what you are doing, leaving the kids alone after not seeing them for over a month. This is totally unacceptable and irresponsible. The kids are a red-line and I will not allow that. Please be responsible and take care of your kids."

She obviously never replied, but she did spend the next day with them, took them out with some friends. But then on Friday, she brought them back immediately as soon as I came back and made it clear that she didn't have time for them because she was busy Friday night and on the week-end.


About GAL: I went on 1 outing organized on Meetup and I met new people. That was a good change for me. I'll try doing such things more frequently. I am also trying to focus more on my work and on my kids. I also take the kids out as much as I can, either the 3 of us, or with some friends who have kids their age. I was also able to help my 17-year old get his first summer job. That was really cool!

Dating again? I have registered to many online dating sites, just to get a feel of what's out there. I am getting interest from many women without really putting much effort. It makes me feel good about myself and helps me a little to get my confidence back. But I also realize that I am not ready yet to start a new relationship. And of course, I wouldn't want to date another woman before officially getting a D.

Detachment? It's still tough. I don't have strong feelings to my W anymore. I feel numb from that point of view, but I still think about what happened a lot. I analyze too much still, and I regret what happened and what could have been.

DBing? I don't know anymore... The more I see her behavior the more I am convinced that she is in a full blown Midlife crisis. She seems still totally in the Replay Stage and could still have a very long way ahead of her, if she even ever wakes up and gets out of it. This could take years and I am not sure I'll be that patient... I don't even know if she's worth it.

Infidelity/EA/PA? At times, I feel I really want to know if she has an affair. But I don't have the courage to do something about it. I could hire a a private investigator or something, but I don't think it's worth the money. I don't know...

Mediation/D? I told her in June that I was open to mediation but that I wasn't ready for it and needed 2 or 3 months and that I'd let her know when I was ready. Given my mood swings still, I think that was the right thing to do. I'm still working on calming down and detaching. Then I'll make that call by Oct/Nov. I still don't know if I should agree to go to mediation or not... In the meantime, I still need to book an appointment with a lawyer to understand my rights and what I should expect.

Children: That's my biggest concern. I am trying to do my best, but she is not putting any effort and leaving all the responsibility on me. That's a big weight on my shoulders especially that my job is very demanding and I now take care of the house, 100% of the finances, in addition to all other day to day things. And I don't know how her behavior will affect the kids on the long-term. Should I force her to take the kids 50% of the time or is it better to continue taking on the responsibility alone? I am leaning toward the latter.

[SteveLW]

kiro, I really think you need to slow down and just coast for a while. You sound successful at work, likely because you are decisive and get things done. But that doesn't translate to these sorts of things. Patience. Waiting things out. Taking it slow. You were right to tell her that you are weren't ready to for mediation. The problem is that lots of LBHs feel the need to do SOMETHING. Anything. It is the delusion of action (others coined that, not me). But action for action sake isn't necessarily what you should be doing..

I would suggest just coasting. Your post hits on A LOT of big topics. Dating, detachings, DBing (which detaching is part of). Please kiro do not confuse DBing with only being for trying to avoid D, or move to R. DBing is about getting yourself in the best mental frame of mind to move forward whether that is D or R. DBing is about improving yourself to the point that you are ready for your new R, whether that is with your W or someone else. DBing is about being the best you that you can be for everyone involved (STBXW, kids, extended family, friends, etc......)

So don't think that if you are considering giving up on your M that you shouldn't be DBing. Not at all. You should keep GAL, 180ing, detaching and improving yourself no matter if you want R or D!!

Not sure why you care about an EA or PA if you really have continued to detach and if you are on the verge of giving up why does it matter?

The best part about your post was where you talked about talking to a lawyer to see what your rights are. You need to do this. Based on your sitch there is a good chance you will go through the D. (Note, that doesn't mean there is no hope for R with your W, just that D might be a step in that process.) And you need to make sure you are legally covered. So many posters here talk about not being able to afford a L, but the reality is that you can't afford to NOT have a L.

Based on what you told us, the way she disappeared on Tuesday I would NOT push her to take the kids 50% of the time. Your kids are to the age where they will be able to choose for themselves who they want to be with. My suggestion (and this is where the improving yourself for all those that are left behind in these sitches) would be to be the best dad you can be! Make that decision a no-brainer for your kids. She has set a precedent by abandoning them. Set a precedent by being the father only a fool would want to leave!