W said she is done a day or two ago. I still dont think she has even really tried. Read 40 pages of 2 books therapist recommended over 6 weeks. She resents me for how I was in the marriage shes inconsistent has anxiety when its D4 and both of us. She just accepts this is how she is. Dont think she tries to do any of the hard stuff to change it. Ive changed a lot she sees it has said great things to me- how different my energy is, great dad, hottest guy. Ive been the rock every time she needs someone Im there. Ive rescued her and enabled her... not any more. She criticizes me than shuts me down when I try to have a conversation. She is manipulative and her mom is the same way, she dislikes her mom which is an understatement but I see her building the same life.
I have gone dark, man its hard. Facetimed me last night, no answer. Havent texted or reached out. A month ago we were dating and doing well, things deterioirated the last few weeks as she said things like I want to keep you at arms legnth (feels like manipulation have me but you cant have me), she avoids communication with me because she gets down (no one else knows what shes going through- its hard).
May try to talk to her about communcation tomorrow. Talking on phone at least 1x per week we agreed to in therapy and dating every week or two, hasnt happened recently. Shutting me down, resentment, criticism of me then not being able to talk about it, healthy communication styles- being able to open up, be vulnerable etc. Talking about communcation was was one of the last things I texted her the other day. We have counseling scheduled for Dec 3rd. At counseling Im going to throw it all out there. She can put real effort in to work on herself or we can go our separate ways. Hurting right now but not sharing with her. I made the mistake of telling her I was hurting a few days ago and she freaks out got so mad, said she cant stand that she can hurt me it makes her mental, that is what sparked the Im done conversation, like how is that the response to someone you care about having a hard time. Up to that point she was giving one word answers. Im just fed up guys. She can do the hard work on herself to let go of the past, work on her communication, her self esteem and manipulation or I feel like I have to give up at least for now.
Last edited by Cadet; 11/26/1801:53 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
What should my reaction be if she says Im hurting her or bringing her down. Just validate I guess. I understand how hard this is for you... something like that?
Try to say more than "I understand". B/c she will hear that and say to herself "No, you don't". Say "I can see how you feel that way", "I can see how you think that" or my favorite "I get that" with a pleasant, agreeable tone.
Communicating your boundaries to your W will be important, but only when she is ready for R and ready to meet them.
Your W saying she is "done" is really nothing of note. She's said that before right?
Her not doing the hard stuff to better herself is annoying, but there's not a thing in the world you can do about it. I hope you will reread the validation link at the beginning of your first thread and commit 2 or 3 validating phrases to memory.
If you've gone dark, you can't talk to her about all the stuff in your last paragraph. If you guys are still going to counseling, you aren't really going dark anyways.
Originally Posted by Did
She can put real effort in to work on herself or we can go our separate ways.
Unless you are seriously ready to move on, I wouldn't say this. She is 99% likely to shut down and not respond the way you are hoping.
As to all the stuff you agreed about a month ago, well she has already gone back on her marriage vows, why wouldn't she disregard this agreement as well? Let it be.
Don't share your pain with her, because right now she doesn't care and can't even listen to it. My W is the same way. We have to accept it and move forward in a positive direction, find new outlets to share our suffering and accept that our W's are not going to help us there, only bring us more pain.
