I may have answered my own question. Allow me to elaborate:
My wife had said on the day she had the breakdown, renting the apartment, that she never thought she'd be one of those women, meaning divorced. On the few occasions (2-3?) that she had opened up to me a bit she stated that she had never intended for us to divorce, even while she was having the affair. In a argument (as that was usually about the only time she would actually say anything) she said that divorce was not an option. So in my humble opinion it still sounds more like a mid-life crisis. I do often though, feel unbeliavable compassion for her, when I think of and try to undersand what she may be feeling. That is why I don't understand why she has been, for a lack of another word, so rotten through out this. I often think she is a really hurt, angry and disappointed little girl. When I see her as that, I have more patience with her. But... As you've read above, WTF?
Bobelina, I'm so sorry you are going through this pain. All of us on here hurt right along with you. The things that has helped me out the most is prayer, the people on here, and reading everything I could get my hands on. You might be interested in Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, it tell you about the different types of affairs. Michelle's books are great along with alot of others. Amazon.Com has made a fortune off of me. Reading just seemed to soothe my nerves when I couldn't concentrate on anything else. Hang in there, we are here for you.
Kim
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Kim, I read that book too. It was awesome. My public libray must have figured out whats going on or they must think I'm working on my doctorate by now !!! Prayer, I do alot of that. I've not been very religious, but spiritual. My couselor has direceted me back towards the fold though. Reading the Bible too. It's amazing how relavant the Bible is, regardless of one's faith or lack of. Thank you again.
Psalms makes a lot of sense now, doesn't it? Have you read The Proper Care and Feeding of Your Wife by Dr. Laura? I read The Proper Care and Feeding of your Husband and it makes so much sense. Just wish I would have read it sooner. My H has filed for D so it seems like I'm at the end of my rope right now, but everyone on here takes care of me. I don't know what I would do without them. Another book I wish I had the nerve to follow in sitch early on was Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. It talks about confronting them in a loving way. I was afraid to do it, I was afraid I would push him away. Well, I did everything wrong, the begging, pleading, doormat and I did lose him. But you know what I don't like the person he is right now so until he is. I can't change him so I have to work on myself.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I wanted to post it under my story also. Thanks. -------- My friends, This is a hell of a topic. May I chime in? Thanks. Check out Dr Harleys stuff: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/index.html His stuff may be helpful. I like some of Harleys stuff, especially the Love Bank, The Policies and the Most Important Emotional Needs. But then again this stuff shows up in various forms through out the marriage fixing literature and communitys. From reading about everything under the sun about what we are going through, I think it comes down to a lot of selfishness and selfcenteredness on the part of the WS. We sometimes beat our selves up for what we/they did, but they strayed. They have committed the Ultimate Betrayal. It seems no matter how we justify, explain, dissect, credit, discredit, etc. It still comes down to this one action,
THEY BETRAYED US.
They strayed. If we had followed all this marriage building fixing, divorce busting stuff before our nightmares, BS and WS, we probably wouldn't have these problems. I really believe that. To bad we didn't know this stuff back then. Now that they have strayed and won't come out of La-La land after all our hard work to make things right, I think it reflects poorly on them, not us. Somewhere deep down in side, they know. They know what they did was wrong. They know that they have destroyed thier integrity. They know that they aren't trustworthy, etc. These are the basic building blocks of any and all relationships, marriage, kids, buisness, etc. They know this. I think they are raging mad at us the world, universe, everything when we won't step down to thier level, to behave as they have in some way, to be "bad" like they've been. When we are good, and noble, and kind, and patient, and do the right thing, they can't handle it. They attack us. They can't justify thier behaviors. They know, somewhere deep down inside, that they are/have flawed, to a fault. This is part of why they act so rotten to us, cause we are doing the right thing. I feel your pain too. I'm there too. I sometimes wonder that this hurts us so much because we have seen the light. We've learned what it takes to make a marriage work and that we are willing to do that work. That we want to do this with them. That's why this hurts us so much. That we want to do this with them. We've learned what love really means, what affairs really are, that we can reconcile and build anew, forgive, etc. They haven't learned that. We love them and it hurts. Really bad.
I've posted this elsewhere: ---------------------- As a general post to all: I've been NC with my wife for 5+ days now. It's been kinda eye opening (Soul soothing maybe(?)). I've talked alot on these boards (I've posted on a few), I've read many other's posts and interacted a bit with others in my shoes (I think maybe I should have done this ages ago). With this divorce filing, I'm at the After the After the After the After the After the After the After the Last Resort Technique (ala "Divorce Remedy" from Michele Weiner-Davis at divorcebusting.com), but I'm finding my self moving more towards the opposite of loving my wife to, I just don't f***ing care anymore. Not out of anger (I believe) but that it's just time to move on. I feel pretty "liberated" though. I see a very brite lite at the end of the tunnel for my kids and I. Maybe my wife really is evil. I don't know and I kinda don't care. It's interesting way to be feeling though. Never would have thought I'd feel this may. I really appreciate being able to express my thoughts and feelings here though. It really seems to help. I can see now why others do this too. Thank all of you again.
Bob, I think this is her guilt talking. She doesn't want to children to see her faults so she tries make you out as the bad guy. I know it hurts, but please try to ignore it. You know you are better than that. Just keep being there for your kids and their needs. Be strong for them, they will figure things out on their own.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
