It has been rather languid around here. The new thread title was inspired by this quote that popped up a few days ago.
The finest workers in stone are not copper or steel tools, but the gentle touches of air and water working at their leisure with a liberal allowance of time. - Henry David Thoreau
Nomes, 'tis in your honour, as you managed to get in the last word before we locked. I know 'time' and 'patience' are on your mind at the moment
Let me try for a recap.
Sept 2003 - I notice NG (Nice Guy, my H) behaving strangely Oct 2003 - He tells me he has a 'close friend', an ex-colleague, but there is no affair, but I do all the normal wrong things, cry, ask him to stop seeing her etc Nov 2003 - He tells me he has stopped contact with her Dec 2003 - I discover over X'mas that contact resumed and that in fact since Sept it had been a PA. In a strange way, having my suspicion confirmed made it easier to move on
Jan 2004 - I discover DB, and start learning from other threads Feb 2004 - started posting, getting fabulous advice from tribal elders and my DB Coach Mar 2004 - NG starts noticing changes and wants to spend more time with me. Apr 2004 - ow calls me to say the affair is over. I listen and hang up. Frankly I don't believe it, and continue GALing. May 2004 - ow's husband calls me one evening while NG is next to me, and tells me rather hysterically that ow and NG are out together. I just hand my phone to NG for him to sort out Jun 2004 - ow's sister calls me to verify status of affair. I assure her it is likely that there was continued contact Aug 2004 - NG asks me to help write a 'final closure' email to ow. I go along, make some suggestions that he incorporates.
2005 - we try to piece our relationship
Oct 2006 - NG gets assigned to the Asian operations, it is meant to be a 2 year gig. We move, it is a fabulous change of scene. I freelance, so work is no problem for me.
June 2007 - Some hint that the 2 year gig may be extended, I'm not so charmed by the thought. Stormy weather ahead
I'll meditate on my issues and come back with goals for the next quarter. Thanks for keeping me company Slowly
Me 42 yrs NG 44 yrs together 23 yrs (yup, since school) Choose not to have kids
Looking back, I'm amazed the affair was the first 'ripple' in our relationship. We were happy, but in a semi-conscious kind of way. Juggling two careers and building a financially secure future was an absorbing shared goal for the first 15 years of our relationship. Once we got to a comfortable stage, I guess MLC or just simply taking each other for granted meant the spark was not as strong as it should have been.
Quote:
SLowly, do you dfind yurself rereading DB/DR, or do you go with what you know? I try to reread for help/ inspiration, but I don't feel like I "rediscvoer" anything.
Well, I had to get rid of all my dbing stuff as NG was getting way too curious about my books. But, I do pop into the library every now and then for a couple of hours, and of course I'm here. And I find myself learning all the time. Looking at the different threads, I can see a problem NG and I may have, but from a completely different perspective. Sometimes, I get to discover why some things are tough/frustrating for me. Which would also explain why I'm still here - being part of the community is still a gratifying experience
We still have some dysfunctionality in the R, but hey, who doesn't ? It must be time to review and post some goals, but it's been a long day, so I might save that for tomorrow.
We were happy, but in a semi-conscious kind of way.
Funny, Slowly, I was talking with someone about just this the other day. She'd realized she'd been "numb" to her life -- walking thru it, getting thru it, but not savoring it. She acknowledged that the place she's in is like Novocaine wearing off -- and it's often painful. Numb is so much easier! Allowing yourself to feel, to be conscious, means that you feel the ups as well as the downs. Not wallowing -- just experiencing. It takes some effort, and, how did you phrase it? Languidity of time? Sorry, I didn't reach to the upper post. But I did love that reference. So apt.
I am coming to the conclusion that The Point Of Life is to feel it all, to experience it all and to, in the words of Agnes Gooch (in the play "Mame"), Live, Live, Live!
So, thanks again for a thought-provoking post, my friend. You are a gem.
Michele - I'm so glad you popped by. I just finished reading your post (written on Bastille Day, no less). Love it, and yes, it will be a question I use next time I'm asked to bid for a project, it is not uncommon for different sponsors to have different views of what needs to be accomplished
Languid is a fabulous word, it conjures up an Edwardian pace of life. I like languid because in my normal day, I work in an industry that mercilessly extracts energy from split-second moments. So languid is a minor rebellion in my mind. Looking back, the Slowly monicker was an apt choice. Without a constant reminder, it would not have been possible to cultivate the necessary patience. I have developed an affection for slow, and indeed, languid.
Savor is another recent favourite. I reckon part of the reason the Southern Europeans are healthier than average is due to their drawn out meal times, when they savour their food, and engage all their senses in enjoyment. The older I get, the less tolerant I feel about rushing through meals. Indigestion.
Thanks for the affirmation, Michele. You made my day Slowly
Hi amd - We have another year to go on the original contract, but there is already noise of a promotion, which has a longer tenure attached to it. This is a tough one. NG enjoys his work here much more than at home, plus the tax rates are so attractive. But outside work, there is little to do. I miss family and friends. Plus it is just so hot everyday
Anyway, I could be crossing bridges we may never get to. Maybe I should just see how the next 6 months pan out. Slowly
Hi Dave - Welcome to this neck of the woods. Yes, it has been a long time, though once the affair ended, somehow the urgency and panic abated, and we have been on a fairly steady course. I would say the R now is better than it was before the affair. Conversely, now that I am more awake, I want more too. So the journey continues.
Back in Dec 2005, when I started my final thread in Piecing, I think I was halfway to accepting that we will always be 'work in progress'. It just seems more realistic to acknowledge that perfect may not be the best place to be.
These days, it is an incident that triggers the back-to-dbing instincts. For example, my current funk over the thought of being stuck away from home for longer than I had signed up for
Maybe I should just see how the next 6 months pan out.
This goes along with the slower, languid, savoring approach to living as well! It sounds like your visit to the UK is well-timed. Is there an ex-pat community there that you are comfortable with?
Slowly
