I apologize for not better keeping you updated on my sitch, and responding to your recent posts. I've been incredibly busy trying to save my marriage, and be a good dad, and -- oh yeah -- maybe sell some advertising every now and again, so I can pay a bill or two.
On Tuesday of last week, after much prayer and deliberation and after over two months of loving but firm patience in the face of nothing but deceit and my wife's ongoing affair, I made the very difficult decision to allow my attorney to file initial pleadings with the local Court, including a Motion of Dissolution of my Marriage (divorce). Included in these five pleadings are my formal request for custody of S14 and S10.
Last Wednesday, those pleadings were in fact filed at the courthouse, and Mrs Choc. was served at her place of employment last Friday. I decided to have her served there both to spare the boys any possible outburst at home, and also it felt appropriate since that's where the behavior started -- and continued and was condoned -- that led to the breakup of our marriage.
She did NOT react well, and I think she was frankly shocked that after threatening ME with divorce three times in the past 30 days, I was the one who filed. And my formal request for custody of our boys has rocked her world. She has since gone from not speaking with me, to being as sweet as can be and begging me to "don't take them away from me."
It's going to be a rough ride.
This is NOT what I wanted to do, but I feel that I can no longer allow this stubborn, unrepentant and ungodly behavior in my marriage and in my family. My love for her is gone, and it's time to move on. Although the affair seems to be over for now, the simple fact is that I not only no longer love her, but I can no longer trust her, and I deserve better.
It does give me some solace to know that NOP said that Mrs. Choc. is the SINGLE MOST STUBBORN CASE HE HAS EVER ENCOUNTERED, so guys I'm here to tell ya, I was NOT exaggerating when I told you how tough she could be! LOL
I also leave my marriage SO much stronger than I was before, as through my faith in God, the support of my friends and family, and the faithful, TIRELESS and unwavering support of NOP, I have grown in so many, many ways. I am closer to God, I lost 28 lbs (and added muscle), become more confident, lost my fears of confrontation, and learned to push thru the pain that Life throws at you from time to time, instead of running away from it or merely procrastinating.
ALL of those things will serve me well in my next relationship.
Anyway, that's what's going on.
thanks,
Chocolateeyes
Seems like I'm caught up in your trap again Seems like I'll be wearin' the same old chains Good will conquer evil and the truth will set me free And I know someday I will find the key I know somewhere I will find the key
Seems like I've been playing your game way too long Seems the game I've played has made you strong When the game is over, I won't walk out the loser I know someday I'll walk out of here again And I know that someday I'll walk out of here again
("Trapped," by Jimmy Cliff, as sung by Bruce Springsteen)
True to my word, I never sent my wife another Relationship e-mail after my one on 6/16 -- hard for a verbose wordsmith like "the old Choc." to do, but "New Choc." knew it was necessary.
In any event, after she was served the papers on Friday, I left her this note by her sink on Saturday night:
Susan,
I'm extremely saddened and disappointed that our marriage has come to this, but I must move on with my life. The lack of affection over the past 15+ years -- and especially the last 5 -- has drained away much of my love for you, and your choices these last two months have now snuffed out what was left.
You're obviously no longer happy in our marriage either.
As you know it was NOT my desire to divorce, but I can now exit our marriage with a clean conscience, knowing that I gave it everything I had to try and save it. While you may not have agreed with my tactics or the way I handled some of my efforts, I did, nevertheless, give great effort, and I hope you will realize one day that everything I did, I did to try and save our marriage, protect our children, and keep our family intact.
I have no regrets.
And I will continue to fight for what I believe is in their best interests, as well as to protect myself.
I must now move on. As much as I WANTED to be married to you, I realize now that I no longer NEED to be, nor can I, knowing how you feel about me and knowing the things that you've chosen to do. I do pray that you'll find whatever it is you're looking for, and that you'll do it in a safe and healthy way and somehow allow God to be in the middle of it. I do very much still care for you, and genuinely want you to be happy.
I'm proud of you for doing what needs to be done. For trying to save your marriage, for standing up for what YOU believe in, for doing what needs to be done to shield your children from your W's behavior, and for growing the way that you have. Sometimes we simply have to recognize when it's time to walk away from a bad situation...you've recognized that, and you've tried until you know there is no longer any love for her in you to save....I admire that, very much. Walk away with your head held high.
I've heard the phrase "Do you want to be right, or be married." so many times I could puke! Sometimes, there isn't a choice. Sometimes there is no marriage without following the right path. I hope that your STBX sees the light and works on her problems. Sometimes a short, sharp shock helps but I think in her case the marriage is probably going to have to break before any progress can be made and then it'll be up to you if you want anything to do with her. Respect and trust are the most important elements of a marriage and if she's not giving you either of those, well, there's not much else you can do.
I hope that things are calm for your kids and they and you take the time to rebuild your family. Show compassion for your wife but stand firm in your beliefs. There are women out there who will understand your trials (quite a few here on the board would literally hunt you down! ) and you're a gem of great value.
Congrats Choc for being so dedicated to following through with what you believe in, most people don't. You have made incredible progress through the past couple of months and are an inspiration to alot of people on these boards. I wish you all the best in your future and the next R you have will be incredible I am sure.
Take care
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Choc, so glad that you are in such a wonderful place for YOU. I know you will do awesome in the days, weeks, months to come. It's great that you have been able to keep your values in place plus you have your boys and are taking good care of them.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I know that what you are feeling is probably anything but 'wonderful.' Having been on these boards for some time with you, and reading your posts over time... knowing where you were and where you are now... leaves me with quite a bittersweet feeling on your behalf.
I suppose the one thing you said that could really make me cry, is that you now know, no matter what comes, you will be okay. There is no feeling in the world like it. None.
Chocolate, you did what so many people do not have the guts to do...you DO deserve better, much, much better than that. Life is too short to endure this for years and years. And on top of everything else, intimacy is such a vital part of a good, whole relationship and you will find that again. She has made her bed and doesn't want to get out of it...so be it. Keep being strong...
) and you're a gem of great value.