I loved RCR's post, and desperatley trying to think of a place to put it in the resources. I for one, do not want it lost. The resources are full of the bits and pieces, of understanding the depression, how to deal with our MLCer, detaching and general advice for handling Denial, through Replay, and depression/withdrawl etc. but has lack of resources for handling reconnection and reconcilliation.
This may well be on the Piecing forum, I have never ventured over there, not yet at that stage, and as with many others, wish to remain here where bonds have been made over the past few years
Originally Posted By: reply from butterflymom
Never posted to you before, but there is SO LITTLE out there about reconnection or reconciliation that some of RCR's posts do need to be preserved. I was reading over some advice that she gave me several months ago when my H came back. Looking back now I can see that she was EXACTLY RIGHT. It's spooky actually.
I can find it and link to it here if you would like to save some of these gems. I wish I had had it before the emotions of him saying he wanted to come home took over and I dove head first into something he wasn't ready for. It can help many I think.
Before we start with the serious stuff, a song dedicated to us all, it is quite ironic that this thread was sparked off by Lissettes thread, and her connection with this song.
GLORIA GAYNOR LYRICS
"I Will Survive"
At first I was afraid I was petrified Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong And I grew strong And I learned how to get along and so you're back from outer space I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face I should have changed that stupid lock I should have made you leave your key If I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me
Go on now go walk out the door just turn around now 'cause you're not welcome anymore weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye Did you think I'd crumble Did you think I'd lay down and die Oh no, not I I will survive Oh as long as i know how to love I know I will stay alive I've got all my life to live I've got all my love to give and I'll survive I will survive (hey-hey)
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart and I spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself I used to cry But now I hold my head up high and you see me somebody new I'm not that chained up little person still in love with you and so you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free and now I'm saving all my loving for someone who's loving me
Go on now go walk out the door just turn around now 'cause you're not welcome anymore weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye Did you think I'd crumble Did you think I'd lay down and die Oh no, not I I will survive Oh as long as i know how to love I know I will stay alive I've got all my life to live I've got all my love to give and I'll survive I will survive
I didn;t hear a single "I'm sorry" in his comments to you. What I heard from him was, "this is your one chance to have me back, take the weekend to think about it" Doesn't sound like he is remorseful or repentant to me for what he has done to you and your kids, sounds to me like he is very arrogant in his comments to you.
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I just feel in my gut, it is not real.
Braveheart said it...and as for it being real or not
It is both. This is how a return starts. Braveheart mentioned not until he comes crawling back.
That sounds a superiority issue...saying, feeling or showing I'm sorry is not something that must be grovelled. Perhaps it is thought that grovelling is modesty and humble. No, it shows weakness. I wanted Sweetheart to walk back in with his head held high--nose at the regular angle though. My equal, not above or below. It is when they fee equal that they are completely through. I do want to point out though...Braveheart is on target--I'm not disagreeing with your views of Puffy and his present motivations.
...And returns (or attempts) are BEFORE the end. Most do not return (that is start or try) as healthy people...returners are broken--often the grovellers Braveheart wants to see. I don't like giving shoulds...but here goes anyway. What we should want (eventually) is a strong and healthy partner with self-worth and confidence. Sometimes they need to return before that and it is our beliefe and confidence in them that can guide them to it for themselves...so said my counselor.
You no longer feel in love with Puffy. I love you but I'm not in love with you is the MLCer mantra. We've all heard some version of it--most the exact version. And what adivce and comments are given here about that...?
They do love you, but are confused, their love is lost/ buried... They are confusing in-love with in-fatuation Love doesn't just up and fly away like that
Love is a choice Love is a decision Love is an action Love is an emotion/feeling Many say Love is not one of these but another...I say it is all of these things....and though it cannot be fabricated (which is making false) it can be created--realized. To real-ize is to make real.
What do you want? Do you know? What I feel you do know is that Puffy is not trustworthy right now. I like saying yet...but I think you are doubtful that he may ever be...and belief creates reality. If you were to get back together now, but you doubt him (trust takes time, but Faith that it WILL COME can be present in the now) he will sense your doubt and manifest your fears...and not become trustworthy.
You do not feel in-love? Do you want to feel in love with Puffy? Do you wish you felt in love with Puffy? A yes answer to either of those last questions is evidence you need to give him a chance...someday. (to me)
I personally believe parents who are married to each other and together are better for the children. There are studies to support all hypotheses of course...divorce isn't harmful, divorce is harmful. Some have shown that a poor marriage is better than divorce.
But that doesn't mean you should martyr yourself. Find your happiness and do with your life what is meant to be for your life. Because that is also what is meant to be for your children's childhood.
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I know that I am supposed to forgive it all, and I am trying. I swear I am trying to forgive.
Are you confusing Forgiveness with Reconciliation? Reconciliation is NOT a requirement of Forgiveness. Yes, Forgiveness is important. And I think you are further along the process than you know. It doesn't mean you remain married to Puffy. It means you can, there are no have to's.
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So, If i find out that Puffy is wanting to come back...b/c he is sorry.
What do I do?
Since you do not believe this, you feelings are based on something else. Keep your mind open to change. You may have a change if you truly feel his motivations are authentic.
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Fake it until you make it." I knew these words would come back to haunt us. Take your time.
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If he truly wants to come home, what would be wrong with you setting the boundaries around his return? That it wouldn't be immediate and that it would be when and if you are able to rekindle the feelings for him?
Liss...you need to do what is right for you. I think we are all pretty unanimous here that Puffy isn't done baking. But when he is...then what? And think about this, maybe part of the process involves a more active spousal role for you. I truly believe marriages can be made more beautiful--beyond out imaginings--after this crisis. They CAN be...not that they WILL be. Are you willing to give that a chance? I'm not trying to tell you what to do...simply place the ideas out there.
Puffy may very well refuse any form of boundaries or counseling if you suggest those. And as for letting him back home...NOOOOOO. But maybe open some communication with him about this. "I am not in love with you. But I wish I were. I want to Forgive you and I need to be able to do that regardless of your actions. But to begin to feel in love I need more. I need you to show me that you have and will change and that you are aware of the pain we have felt. How do you feel about our pain? Does it hurt you too? Are you willing to help us heal that pain? I want to Forgive you and Love you, but I also want you to Forgive and love your Self. Right now you have no Self Love. [I'm trying to avoid the actual words sorry, apologize, remorse so as to be subtle]. I cannot let you come home. I want to trust you and do not. Are you willing to show me you are trustworthy, or that you will work to become trustworthy? What do you plan to do to show this? If you want to be my husband and lover, some things need to happen first. [here come the boundaries] The OW must be gone--no contact of any sort. Counseling is a requirement--family, couples...
I will not give you a guarantee that I will fall in love with you again. But I will promise that I want to. I want a beautiful marriage for US and for M&M. But I will not consider this if unless we work together to heal our wounds and become equal partners."
Either way...I think you need to see a counselor or Psychologist...if for nothing other than to get through that crying you fear would be eternal.
Choose your life with confidence and go forward boldly.
Just wondering whether true reconnection can take place while MLCer is still with OW/living with her. My husband is nowhere near this stage, if ever, but was curious. It's just that i thought that i had read somwhere that true reconnection cannot take place until OW is out of the picture, anything else is just replay at is fullest.
Nicky
Me 34 H 33 D3 together 10 years married 2 years Bomb 22/8/06 (I feel empty) OW involved
Nicky I have read the same but it seems from reading here that some men can reconnect while with OW. But I think that they have realized the OW was not the answer and that is when the reconnection can begin with the LBS.
Any one have any insight on this??
m24 yrs h 50 me 47 s 21 s 17 left 5-30-06, and 12-4-06 still gone.............
