More complicated than I imagined...

[Michael Mc C]

Hi all. Have posted previously under "newcomers" but have had some updates since that time. Quick summary:

Met my wife when I was 18, she was 17. Married 6 years later - 14th anniversary is coming up in early November. We have 3 children D13, D11 and S8.

We have had issues in the past and she spent a few months at her mother's house about 3 years ago. We worked through immediate issues but never really learned how to keep things going. She moved back in and the next 3 years really seemed to be great. In fact this past summer was one of the best I can remember in a long time - except for the fact that we spent far too much time on the weekends (almost every one) socializing. We didn't make time for ourselves nor as a family.

2 days after Labor Day I came home with the kids and my wife was sending a text message. Nothing too out of the ordinary but when we walked up the stairs into the kitchen where she was standing, she closed the phone real quick. Something clicked in my head. A few moments later she received a message - it was a picture of another man.

We quickly progressed from "I have no idea who that was" to "he's someone I've been talking to in game" (she plays EverQuest - online game - with my sister and her husband, and apparently "some guy"). She told me that he is only a friend and that his MySpace picture was out of date so he wanted to send an updated one. She also told me he was married with 3 children and lived 8 hours away.

Over the next couple of days I took a little extra interest in her game - I admit I was suspcious and was watching what she was saying and what HE was saying. Eventually, I had the proof that there was something going on.

This is actually a very long story but I'm trying to keep it as lean as possible.

I confronted her with the proof and at first her reaction was I love you, but not in love... and then said she wanted a divorce.

The next day I told her that she would have to choose life with me or life without me. She would need to decide to stay and work out the issues for real or that she would have to leave. That may have been arrogant, or callous, or inappropriate (especially with 3 kids) but at the time it seemed to make sense. I go back and forth as to whether or not I was right. It was far from a nasty conversation except for her reaction. We had a terrible argument that evening after the kids were in bed.

The next day we went for a drive up to the local lake. She told me she wasn't looking for anything and the she never meant to hurt me. She said she would stop playing the game, end the relationship with him and stay home to work things out.

I was elated.

She cried for the next 3 days. She then realized that she was going to do something for herself and not for me, not for "us". She wanted to leave. She would find a job and get an apartment so she could find what it was she needed.

At this point I bought Divorce Remedy.

The OM backed away and they no longer spoke on the phone. It turns out he was separated from his wife and he needed space to figure out what was right for him. They still played the game but were no longer having the same types of conversations and did not spend any time "alone", so to speak.

On Columbus Day, my wife and I had a very pleasant and long talk about the situation. She wasn't ready to say that she wanted to fix the marriage but divorce was no longer the first thing on her mind. She said that if she had left "back then" it would have been for the wrong reason. She still wanted to get out on her own but wanted to do it for herself. I also asked her to let me know if she ever wanted to try to reconnect. She told me that during the summer she felt we weren't connecting so she took it upon herself to fix it alone, without saying anything was wrong. I didn't want to miss any signs or opportunities the next time around.

I didn't like it but I felt I had to let her go and do this. Meanwhile I could practice my DR techniques while she was still in the house. I thought I did pretty well with the 180 and GAL, although there were some slip ups.

This past weekend she had a very long conversation in-game with this guy because she needed closure. He indicated that he felt that there was a chance they could become a couple once he had his stuff worked out. Prior to this, she had promised me that should not speak to him about anything non-game related. She said she would no longer pursue a relationship with him but here she was, pushing to get him back. I found out about this and we had an argument.

So we were back to "this marriage is irreparable and I have no desire to fix it". She told me, during our argument, that she was trying to reconnect during the week after Columbus Day but now I had blown it. I missed the signs, I suppose, of the attempted reconnection (more likely, I saw them but was afraid I was just getting set up for disappointment). Besides, after the betrayal and constant back and forth on decisions, it's going to take me some time to be "reconnectable" - although I want it very much.

She wants out of the house but on her own terms. I told her she could still go to her mother's but her father is sick and she feels she won't be able to bring the kids there. She actually told me that if I make her go to her mother's house, I will be responsible for the damage done to the kids. I refused to accept that but in the end, agreed she should stay until she could find a place more acommodating to the kids.

This whole time my friends, family and neighbors have asked why I didn't throw her out when I first found out about the affair - when I finally had the proof. My only answer is that I love her. Or, maybe my self-esteem has been trampled so low, I'm simply not strong enough to do it.

So we are still in the same bedroom (that has to change but she has a sinus infection so I will probably stay on the couch until she's on the mend), she still plays the game, she still wants to be with the OM and she wants me to give up all hope of reconciliation.

Needless to say, it's not a pretty picture. I guess my questions at this point are:

1) Can I, should I, make her stop playing the game? It seems obvious right up front but there are nagging questions about the damage it would do. But what about the damage the game (or her irrespsonbibility with playing it) has already done and will continue to do? There is no force involved with making the gaming stop, I can block the ports on the router and make it inaccessible.

2) Should I have her move to her mothers? Will there be more damage done to the kids by having them see her less often than if she had a place of her own? I recommended to her that she could take them to the park or even have them up here - I would simply go out. The last thing I want to do is hurt them anymore than they will already hurt by her leaving. Having her stay here, however, does not lend itself to a very family oriented environment. We don't argue in front of them (thank god for email). It's just that they complain about how much time she's on the game and that she is never outside with them. Not bashing her here but she didn't play with the kids once this past summer - my office is downstairs looking directly into the yard. She spent her summer on the game.

3) Is it possible to go dark with her still in the house? I can try the LRT but, as with going dark, it just seems that the kids may be hurt by mommy and daddy's lack of communication.

My opinions vary on all of these. It depends on the day, or even the time of day. I am falling out of love with her now and that's the last thing I want. Although I have to admit it makes the days less stressful for me and I get more sleep.

[Yoyowife]

MCC,
I'm sorry you are here, but welcome. You will meet some awesome people on this board who will give wonderful advice. Please listen to them, they are very wise.

Your W is very mixed up right now. She feels like something is missing in her life and she thinks "he" is the missing link.

Let's back up and look at this situation. It appears that they have never even met in person, so how in the world can they be "soul mates"? I think the best thing to do is back up and give her space. Go dark on her and do 180's and GAL. More or less, live parallel lives. I think they will realize real quickly this won't work. How far away does the OM live from your wife?

As far as trying to make her quit playing the game, don't waste your time. It's the Romeo/Juliet syndrome, by trying to pull them apart you push them together. Right now don't try to control or change her, it's impossible. Just work on making yourself Mr. Right not only for her, but your ownself.

As far as friends and family go, they mean well, but they can't understand what you are going through. They all think they know what they would do if something like this happened to them, but until it does, they have no idea. The one key thing to remember is that they still have their family intact. You have the right to fight to keep your family intact. Only you can decide when you don't want to fight anymore.

Yoyo

[LL44]

Yoyo is right. "Forcing" her to stop playing the game will only backfire, and its a boundary she has already crossed with you. No need. 180 and GAL and space space space.

I wouldn't make her move to her mother's house, but if she is deadset on moving out, you can't really stop her without it becoming worse at home. Could you afford an apartment for her to live in?

I am proud of you for fighting, its what's right. Take care.

[Michael Mc C]

Thank you for the remarks and for the encouragement. I definitely need to hear this more often. Friends and family do mean well of course but each time I hear someone tell me to give up, I wince thinking "that's not who I am". Not because I'm stubborn but because I believe in "us" and I remember the love.

The OM is about 400 miles away. They discussed weekend trips but I don't see that as a real risk anytime soon. It's just the emotional attachment at this point that seems to be the enemy.

I have been so tempted to stop the game but I knew deep inside this would only make things worse. She will stop when she has something better. Not beating myself up with this, just trying to keep myself encouraged to become that "something better".

We cannot currently afford an apartment. She has been looking for a job to pay for that.

It has been very difficult at times to hide in my own house. If it was constructed a little differently, I would contemplate building a separate room (we have 3 bedrooms, all occupied).

One important update to all of this: The OM has sent me an email today stating that he will discontinue the relationship. I have had contact with him in the past. I think the discussion they had over the weekend had a dawning affect on him and he feels he is not a suitable replacement because of issues within his own life as well as the distance between them.

However, he also mentioned that before they actually had a "spark" she told him that she had a 2 year plan. In 2 years she would obtain her degree, get a job and make enough money to support herself and the kids. While I was grateful for his openness, I was devastated. I don't know when they began speaking and I don't know when the spark actually started. I had no clue (and I guess that's part of the WAS situation) that any such plan could or would exist.

One battle at a time I guess...

[Yoyowife]

MCC,
Instead of dwelling on that you have two years until she leaves, start thinking I have two years to win her back. I find that coming on here and reading books have helped me tremendously. One I suggest that you read is "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.

You can always go to Amazon.com and read about the books and check them out at your library. Reading helped me save my sanity.

[Michael Mc C]

That is definitely a more optimistic approach to this. I'm usually very optimistic. When something like this happens, it seems optimism can very easily become one of the casualties, along with self-esteem. The GAL'ing has definitely helped in that respect.

[saffie]

mcc,

Firstly - the game - if you stop her accessing it at home she will only find another way - through mobile phone or internet cafe or a friends PC. You cannot control her but you can antagonise her.

Other people - if they have never stood in your shoes they cannot understand how you feel. I have had many friends in my community tell me they couldn't 'put' up with this or that behaviour from their S. They wouldn't stay M to a S that had an A etc.... Well good for them. They are not me or you and do not feel the same way. You have to do what you believe is right for you and your family. If you want to give your M every chance then I believe you are the bigger person. At the same time you can work on you. These boards have been a life saver for me. People here understand.

Like Yoyo I have also done lots and lots of reading and find that helps. If your self esteem has taken a knock and you are feeling pessimistic then try reading 'Learned Optimism' by Martin Seligman. I found this very useful. I still have another book of his - 'Authentic Happiness' to read. It has helped me learn to look at things in a better way.

The fact that your W has not actually met OM is good to a certain point. In their minds OM and her don't have a realistic view of each other and so fantasy is exciting them. Reality would probably be quite different. OM does not sound a very together sort of guy as he has issues of his own.

As Yoyo says you have 2yrs working space - make the most of it. It sounds like you have made the correct start.

Good luck.

saffie

[Michael Mc C]

The odd thing about the self-esteem issue is that once I recognized how low mine was (probably this past Monday), I made a very real effort to bring it back up. How could I have possibly thought that I'd be attractive to her, let alone be happy with myself, if my self-esteem is so low?

All it really took, I think, is an actual effort. I listed about 50 things that I needed to stop doing as well as start doing, along with reminders why they were important.

Since that time, each time I feel like I'm failing at DB'ing, I put a mental stop to those feelings and, work permitting, I'd pull up my list to reinvigorate my will to move forward - for me.

Yesterday was one of the best days I've had in a long time and the only thing that changed was my outlook on me. I have to admit, however, that once the OM sent the email, I caught myself becoming very optimistic and started planning the next steps for DB'ing. I can't explain why, but once the optimism kicked in, I could feel my self-worth begin to DROP! I imagine it's because of mixed emotions (do we have a chance? can I trust her again? what will it really take to fix this?) along with 6 weeks worth of disappointment flooding my mind all at once.

It was hard but I put a stop to the planning. First of all, as far as I know, the EA has not been ended yet. Secondly, I still need to work on me and let her initiate that next step. Finally, while I want to remain hopeful, I need to be cautious. It has taken me 6 weeks to start feeling good about myself, although I only really just started trying. I don't want invest too much emotion into a "fix" until I'm feeling strong enough to take the good with the bad.

Michelle's DR book touches on my type of personality - I'm a shoot-from-the-hip, let's get this thing fixed now kind of guy. Right now I think that approach is the last thing we need so my planning should be focused on me and on the kids.

I need to continue my own self-improvement routines and continue to find happiness within myself rather than allowing her to be my main source of fulfillment.

It's a hard realization that if we don't make it, I need to be able to live with myself. At first it sounds like defeatism to me but I recognize that it is just plain reality.

This website has been instrumental to me. I've been reading posts for a number weeks and finally had the guts to put my own story out there. It's terrible to see so many people having these and various other issues. Thankfully we all have this site to turn to.

[JAK58]

[/quote]I caught myself becoming very optimistic and started planning the next steps for DB'ing. I can't explain why, but once the optimism kicked in[quote]

MCC,

thats because the OM called and the convo gave you hope and the kick in the A$$ you needed to do what you have to to help your M.

You are doing great.

JAK

[Yoyowife]

MCC,
I already see that your self esteem is starting to soar again. You came to the right board. These are the most wonderful people you will ever have the oppurtunity to interact with. We have become a "family" on here. Welcome to "the family", we are here to support you.

You sound like you have a plan. Good going.

Yoyo