I've decided to post the picnic analogy again for all of the newcomers who don't know about it. I've typed it in my own words, but I believe it is pretty accurate. Comments, ideas, suggestions, changes, etc, are obviously welcome. Think Tanks are very helpful with things like this!
PICNIC ANALOGY:
Imagine that the WAS is inside an impenetrable castle. WAS is deep inside the castle walls and has no desire to see the outside world. WAS has his/her own world right there inside those cold, stone walls.
Then there's you. You're sitting on the other side of the moat (drawbridge is up, btw). You've got a nice blanket laid out on the cool, green grass, and you're enjoying yourself by having a wonderful picnic all alone. You're absolutely content with this, and aren't even concerned with the castle and the WAS within (in fact, you've got your back to it).
Eventually, WAS gets a little curious about the what's going on outside the castle, and decides to take a peak over the walls. WAS sees you, just sitting there enjoying yourself. He/She is surprised, because previously you had been throwing rocks at the castle, singing and dancing in hopes of getting their attention. WAS is wondering what you're up to, and why you're so content. After a while, WAS decides to lower the drawbridge and join you at your picnic. WAS sits down, and you just act as if -- you're happy, confident, etc. Suddenly, WAS realized where he/she is and what he/she is doing, and it scares the hell out him/her. WAS jumps up and dashes back to the castle for no apparent reason. You however, didn't even budge or flinch. WAS peeks back out to see what you're doing, and notices that you're still sitting in the same place, enjoying yourself without concern. Again, WAS is surprised, and eventually comes out again. This time WAS stays a little longer, but again gets spooked and runs back. However, you're still not deterred from enjoying your picnic. The WAS's visits begin to happen more and more, and they last longer and longer. Once he/she realizes that there is no risk for him/her (i.e. that you won't bring up the R, pursue her, get angry, become needy, etc), WAS begins to reflect on things, and begins questioning his/her choice to go to the castle. In time, WAS decides to bring up the R, and this is when you can discuss it with him/her because WAS is ready and has initiated the talk.
THIS is why it is important to avoid pursuing, because it gives the WAS the opportunity to miss you, reflect, see your changes and strength, etc. So, the next time me or anyone else tells you to just enjoy your picnic, you'll know what it means. This is a term that we used a lot this summer, but it kind of went away. I think it describes the pursuit dynamic perfectly. Don't chase the WAS back into the castle and hold him/her captive by standing outside the walls and trying to get his/her attention. As long as this is the case, it is likely that they'd rather starve themselves in their than come out.
I lot of us do more than just throw rocks. We bring in the catapults and the archers to try and get over the walls. So she brings in the stone masons and just builds taller and thicker walls.
It's looking like rain, but I'm still going to enjoy my picnic this weekend. W is likely moving to a new castle though, it'll be nice if she decides to come out and find me one day...can't concern myself with that though, I'll just eat a sandwich and leave it be till then.
Me: 43 W: 41 Together 2009, Married 2011 Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5 Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
I like the castle part of this story, and want to add to that.
Next time you (as a LBS) want to play the blame game, and curse the castle, remember the hand you played in building it. The WAS didn't just find a castle, she built it from scratch. But she couldn't do it herself. Most likely, the LBS was there every step of the way, bringing her the stones and raw materials of whatever she was unhappy about, which she eventually brought together into the giant castle where she now resides.
So step 1: stop bringing her stones! Whatever you did to aid in building these walls, just stop. She will never come out while she is still building and strengthening it. Begging, pleading, explaining, rationalizing, arguing, resenting...these are all stones that she will just use to make the castle stronger. The more you worry about what she's doing and trying to change her mind, the more you are just bringing her stones.
Once you stop all this, perhaps she will have nothing left to build with. And only when the castle is complete will she take the time to actually look outside and see what's going on at the picnic.
Me: 43 W: 41 Together 2009, Married 2011 Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5 Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
Espcially the part when the WAS comes out to play for a while, then gets spooked and runs back in. My WAW just did the first run back in I think which was confusing, till I read about the picnic.
Great post as usual GD...kudos to you!!! check your junk mail...I'm going to try to use my other email and see if it will show up in your in box! Have a great weekend!
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
You go BOY!
