Maybe not too complicated to understand

[LL44]

Hurry back!

[Michael Mc C]

Yeah, she's leaving, has already left emotionally. Told me she's going to talk to him today to firm up plans for finally meeting. Don't have a lot of time but will get all the details out by this evening.

Got a lot on my mind of course. Not sure how much more I can take nor how much more I can invest. I've been here for a few months now and I see people who have been so much stronger. They have already dealt with the physical separation, physical affair and the emotional divorce. This is not new material just a point I thought I was going to be able to avoid.

Suddenly the picture has changed so much. She doesn't want to leave the house but will if I need her to. She is certain they will meet before the end of the year.

I don't know at this point what I am strong enough to handle.

[LL44]

Oh mcc, I am so sorry. How hard to hear it come from her. I just don't know what to tell you. Of course, I suppose you have to 'let her go' and (like Mark says) be an idiot. But wow, she is determined to chase this, thinking it will make her happy.

I'll be thinking of you.

[Michael Mc C]

Okay, so I suddenly have more time - she just left to go food shopping, I guess she has some discussions to have with him and this will give her the opportunity. So here it is:

I've had the entire week off since we were originally planning on doing Thanksgiving in NC. I was a bit concerned about spending so much "empty" time together with her. It turned out to be a great week.

By the time Thanksgiving rolled around, we had been spending a lot of quality time together talking, playing, flirting. We began kissing again.

On Wednesday evening (night before T-day) she had been in the game and the OM was there. He hadn't been online for a long time. He made some comment to her that pissed her off and she was stewing about it. Regardless, Thursday was a fantastic day. I can't begin to explain how great it felt to be feeling normal again. Despite what she says now, it was real for both of us.

Thursday night, however, she decided to go back into the game to see who was online - we had joked about the really fanatic game players getting online when they should be spending time with family.

Well, she had been drinking and saw him online again. She didn't say anything but apparently some emotional upheaval took place and she had a meltdown. My sister in law was here so they disappeared for a while to talk about. She has SIL for advice which, it seems, she opted not to take.

To end the evening, she asked me NOT to give up on her or our marriage. To be patient and to give her time to work through this. I told her I've been patient already and that I can remain patient.

Friday morning she awoke in a better frame of mind and, although we were both feeling the affects from the night before, we still had a good day together.

Friday night I went to my neighbor's house for a couple of beers and W stayed here playing her game and drinking. By the time I got back she had initiated contact with him, asking why he walked away and stating she needed answers. He told her he walked away for a father and his kids (me and my kids). He has so much love for her but he felt it was the right thing to do.

She told him it doesn't matter since I knew everything already. That I knew how she felt about him and that she missed him. Their love is "real" and they resurrected it that night.

Saturday she went to her mother's house for a couple of hours. I knew she was there to vent and to take the opportunity to talk to him. She was miserable here the rest of the day. She ended up telling me that she can't walk away from him, that she fell in love and she needs to follow it. She is miserable here and needs to do what feels right.

She said that she does not want to leave the house but will do so if it will be easier on me.

This morning she said that she will be meeting him before the end of the year. That he is ready to come up here now so they can meet and talk and get to know each other. Yeah, after 8 hours driving, I'm sure he wants to talk.

A few minutes ago she told me she planned on talking to him today and to firm up plans for when they can get together. This is completely blowing my mind right now. I'm in good shape as far as most of this goes but the sheer stupidity, lack of regard, haste is so sad and pathetic. She's making plans to destroy this marriage and she feels that it's the answer to everything.

So we were thinking about telling the kids that she's moving out. We were going to do it today so that she could be moved by the end of the day. Some of what I read, however, says that dropping it on them like that is no good. "They" say a date should be chosen and then the kids should be informed. A month is too long and a week is too short.

I've never tried doing this the 'right' way. The last time she left we dropped it on them but she ended up spending a big part of the day with them anyway. They were heart-broken when she left still.

Any ideas on how to handle this? I don't know if I can share the house with her once she meets with him. I told her to make her plans and to get back to me.

Final comments on this is that after Friday's talk with him she told me that the days leading up to it were lies. She was trying to "act" normal but she was simply lying to everyone.

When she found out that he had "love" for her it changed everything. She is now hell bent on making this work out. I am so ready to let her throw it away. I know I can't stop her from doing any of this. I just don't know if after the emotional high I had on Thursday and then the crashing emotional disaster that came Friday night that I have it in me anymore.

I'm not a mess right now and I haven't been. I'm just dumb-struck.

[RedHeadWife]

I would say "dumb struck" is a good description. I cannot believe she would leave her family, her children, for some guy she's never even met!

Well, I would say that hopefully she will meet him and see that he's a loser and hopefully you will be able to take her back.

The whole gaming thing online floors me anyway and I don't understand it so I can't say I really understand what is going on in her head at all.

I have to admit that I understand what she was saying about not feeling like a woman anymore. I was totally there and that's what led to my whole D sitch. D was not ever even a fleeting thought in my mind, but H ended up deadset on D'ing me b/c, as I was so unhappy for literally years, he was too b/c I was somewhat making him miserable as well.

I don't honestly think there is anything YOU can do about the whole feeling like just a mom thing though. That is something she is going to have to figure out how to "fix" on her own. My H tried to do a bunch of housework, etc. to make things easier, but #1 I didn't have any idea what he was doing and #2 that didn't make me feel more like a woman again just b/c I didn't have as much to do around the house, etc.

I wish I had more & better advice for you, but unfortunately I think it's going to be a waiting game for you now. I think she has it in her mind that she HAS to meet this guy and, like I said, hopefully she'll figure out that he's not all that she has made him out to be in her mind.

[fightingirish]

wow, that's just downright mean. I can't believe she led you on all wk. She doesn't know what the he$$ she wants, that's obvious.

I think your going to have to let her fall on her face on this one. She is not thinking straight. and like red said.. to give up her family for a guy she hasn't even met.. how bazaar.. it would take an army for me to be away from my kids or hurt them.

Im so sorry.. but im also glad that this happend sooner than later.

((hugs))

tal

[Michael Mc C]

I spoke to her mom today who got me back on track in my thinking. Let's face it, I was able to pull her back from the brink (at least a little bit of the way) while he was out of the picture. One advantage that I have is that I'm here and he is not. However, with her back in full "gotta have him" mode, I haven't figured out what options I have.

I will continue to be upbeat and positive in my life. Her mother told me that she thinks he's playing her. That regardless of what he is saying, he won't come up this way. He is getting something out of making her feel this way, she is an easy target because she is so vulnerable.

I agree with my MIL to some extent. On Friday he saw once again that she was feeling weak, he flexed his muscle, and she came running. Still, I wonder if he's just as miserable in his marriage and wanting to feel the blind relief of being with someone new, regardless of what it will do to everyone involved.

I knew she was still vulnerable. I know that she's afraid to continue in our marriage even though things were going so well. Her doubts were strong enough to allow her to be pulled away once again.

Wife told me they were going to discuss plans today for getting together but apparently he is having some budget concerns and not sure when he can make it up. I still feel it's inevitable for him to come but that may be my fear of her taking this too far than anything else.

If he comes to visit he said he'll bring his 4 year old son.

Hooray

[Michael Mc C]

She just called and told me that she is going to go see him in 2 weeks. He can't come up here because he would have to bring his 4 year old son and get a hotel. Instead she's going to drive the 8 hours there to spend the weekend.

She'll leave after picking the kids up on Friday and probably get there around midnight.

Making me sick thinking about it. Especially how matter of fact she is about the whole thing. She called because she didn't want to be around in case I "blew up" (nice...)

My side of the conversation consisted of finding out when she was leaving and when she was coming back. I really had no desire to continue the discussion.

I can't imagine wanting her back after this happens. I've told her but really, that does not matter to her. She said it's a risk she has to take.

[saffie]

Does your W have no idea of the danger of driving 8hrs to meet a stranger? Regardless of your M that is just stupid.

I know this is probably not your major concern at the moment but will she leave details with anyone, (her parents perhaps if you don't want the details)stating where she is going etc.

She must be in such a dark place mentally to even consider such actions.

Do you think that she made out to this other guy that you didn't care about things when she told him you knew? Do you think if he knew how strongly you felt about this he would back off again?

I am so, so, sorry for the hurt she is causing you.

Saffie

[Michael Mc C]

I spoke to her mother today who told me that she did insist on getting the details regarding where she will be. I agree, it's a wreckless thing to do.

I have let the OM know how things were going while things were out of the picture. That we were making small yet positive steps. He tried walking away today but I don't know where that ended up. She is in a very good mood still so I'm sure she told him I was trying to manipulate things.

But if I wasn't so deeply in love with her, why would bother contacting him?

I have sent him a final email and will walk away from that myself. What happens with that relationship is between and up to the two of them. I have been working on facing the reality of the situation and that there is nothing I can do any longer with this. I have to regain my strength and PMA and start to plan life without her as my wife.

I thought we were through this so that's what's really killing me. That the worst was over. I know that when she meets him there is a chance, of course, that she will realize he is not what she wants. I am not at all optimistic about that.

In the beginning it seemed that this day could never come and that I had plenty of time to work on this. Now I'm faced with deciding whether or not I'm strong enough to live in the same house with her.

Her upbeat attitude flies in the face of her comments that this is one of the hardest things she ever tried to do. "It's a risk but I have to take it."