Trust me... the tides will turn. They did in my sitch. Its imperative that you act calm during these times. Im sure he is going insane wondering whats going on.
Maybe pretend you're sick and take a tylenol PM to help keep you calm.
Trust me, we all know how crazy you feel right now. We've all been through it before. You just have to play by the rules (if you want a happy outcome) and put one foot in front on the other.
It will probably be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life but it will make you stronger and it certainly wont last forever. You will survive, I promise.
Hurtin: 32 WAW: 30 D: 8 Bomb: 10/05 Sep: 12/05 Back together 8/07 Bomb (OM): 11/07 Filed for D (me): 12/07
Not using the phoney email won't be hard. I really don't know what else to say there now anyway. It is, however, the only "proof" I have that he is at least contemplating an affair (while I suspect he's having one online anyway).
What made you send the email in the first place? is he on a dating site or something? Most people wont respond to a email "out of the blue". what was the setting of your email?
Quote:
Anyway, yes, we have problems. We have not had any kind of physical relationship for a long time. I've tried, but get no response from him. I also have some health problems that make it difficult to be intimate, but I know that I would respond if he showed any initiative...but he hasn't. I'm trying to get the health stuff "fixed", but it isn't easy. And I'm afraid I defeat myself when my insecurities are that he doesn't find me desirable (because he doesn't respond)...its a vicious cycle. .....
I think he also thinks I'm a bit of a prude. I've asked him about his fantasies, but he says he doesn't have any. I caught him looking at a bondage website the other day...that was kinda the tip of the iceberg for me.
So... you want to initiate with him, but dont, because you dont want to deal with rejection.
contrariwise, he might want to have some fantasy sex with you, but doesnt.. because he doesnt want to deal with the embarassment and humiliation of rejection.
(plus.. sometimes, that bondage fantasy, is just that... only a fantasy)
Quote:
My husband doesn't work. I am the sole provider in our household.
Wow.. well, that right there, is huge. Apart from other major issues like, "he needs to grow up, and get a job"... he's probably bored, and looking for "excitement".
depending on the context of your email stuff.. you MIGHT use it as an avenue to find out more about his fantasy stuff... and then.. without any condemnation of what he has done... try some of it out in real life with him. (just so long as it isnt threesomes or something!)
This kind of approach is not for everyone. It might definately not be for you. just thought I'd mention it.
Last edited by Dom R; 11/26/0710:33 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I don't think I'll be doing any more snooping. If there is anything else to find out, I want HIM to tell it. I'm not sure I can handle any more snooping anyway.
I've obviously already got trust issues. When I got home tonight, he deleted all the recent phone calls from the phone...and I wonder why.
I made a strong drink...and he is being incredibly attentive and eager to please. Told him I didn't feel like cooking dinner and he was almost ecstatic about it! It would be almost funny any other day.
Not using the phoney email won't be hard. I really don't know what else to say there now anyway. It is, however, the only "proof" I have that he is at least contemplating an affair (while I suspect he's having one online anyway).
What made you send the email in the first place? is he on a dating site or something? Most people wont respond to a email "out of the blue". what was the setting of your email?
I sent the email because he has been chatting online with several people for several weeks now. I wanted to know if it was innocent. If it was, wouldn't he have responded to such an email with "who the hell are you?" or just deleted it?
The email was very simple...Just a "hi! We have a mutual friend and I think we could have some "fun" together" and he responded.
Quote:
Anyway, yes, we have problems. We have not had any kind of physical relationship for a long time. I've tried, but get no response from him. I also have some health problems that make it difficult to be intimate, but I know that I would respond if he showed any initiative...but he hasn't. I'm trying to get the health stuff "fixed", but it isn't easy. And I'm afraid I defeat myself when my insecurities are that he doesn't find me desirable (because he doesn't respond)...its a vicious cycle. .....
I think he also thinks I'm a bit of a prude. I've asked him about his fantasies, but he says he doesn't have any. I caught him looking at a bondage website the other day...that was kinda the tip of the iceberg for me.
So... you want to initiate with him, but dont, because you dont want to deal with rejection.
contrariwise, he might want to have some fantasy sex with you, but doesnt.. because he doesnt want to deal with the embarassment and humiliation of rejection.
(plus.. sometimes, that bondage fantasy, is just that... only a fantasy)
I don't have any problem with participating in fantasies. I have asked him directly if he has any...and he has said no. I would willingly participate with him if he had said anything or shown any interest.
Quote:
My husband doesn't work. I am the sole provider in our household.
Wow.. well, that right there, is huge. Apart from other major issues like, "he needs to grow up, and get a job"... he's probably bored, and looking for "excitement".
I'll agree he's bored. But there is nothing that is preventing him from getting a job. He doesn't have to have virtual affairs to not be bored, does he? It's not like there isn't anything for him to do...but I can sympathize, I wouldn't want to do all kinds of housework either. The "he needs to grow up has come up before...many people have said that to me about him. And yes, I believe it is a big issue too.
depending on the context of your email stuff.. you MIGHT use it as an avenue to find out more about his fantasy stuff... and then.. without any condemnation of what he has done... try some of it out in real life with him. (just so long as it isnt threesomes or something!)
This kind of approach is not for everyone. It might definately not be for you. just thought I'd mention it.
DomR - I responded in bold within the quote...
Oh...and about him forgetting the website stuff...that I know he's watching carefully. I caught him looking at porn awhile ago and told him I felt uncomfortable about it because we did not have the level of intimacy I thought we should. Why should he look at porn when I am here and willing...I thought he had stopped but now it's far too easy to do without my knowledge. And I'm sure he's covering his tracks.
My ability to post tonight may be limited. I will try to post but most likely, I won't be able to really respond until tomorrow.
Thank you all for listening and talking to me...I need the diversion tonight.
I'm super new here and have no idea what I'm doing, so I'm only going to tell you what I know. I had an EA online and it ended because my H found it. I was happy it was over. From everything I've read, that's unique because normally it causes anger and resentment towards the suspicious spouse.
What i do know is that if he doesn't want you to know and especially if he is good with computers, you won't find any history or chats or pictures or anything. I know that you said you are going to stop looking and just want to hear it from him, good for you. Keep reminding yourself of that when you start thinking about it.
Could you be suspicious because you are insecure about your physical R w/ him? Just an idea... Maybe he is not talking to anyone (other than regular friends)Maybe he really thought you were a friend of a friend. Maybe he is bored at home and just wants to have fun. he didn't say let's meet up and have sex, so you don't have to assume the worst if you don't want. Give it the 48 hours everyone says, then approach him with a level head. (probably way harder than it sounds)
I have read over and over that an A whether PA or EA is a symptom of problems in the M, not the problem itself. If you can find the problem, maybe you can find a solution.
Good Luck and I hope tonight goes ok.
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
yes, I suspect I won't find anything unless I take the computers somewhere else for another uber geek to review them...but I think the bigger issue is that he admit the problem.
You are correct...I am not sure he actually had an affair. And there is the option that he was only looking for "cyber sex"...but in my mind that's still cheating.
I am checking what phone records I can, but I'm not sure anything will come of that.
I do realize there are other problems...probably a lot more than I would have ever thought. I see the counselor tomorrow afternoon and we'll go from there I guess. I can only hope that he sees a problem and wants to fix it...
And yes, I could be suspicious because of my own insecurities...but to me, his response to my phoney email this morning spoke volumes, know what I mean? Why would you respond to a complete stranger like that...not just once but twice! Encouraging them to get in touch with you...
I'm afraid to check the email now...I don't want to know if he still wants to talk to the imaginary woman. I know he's talking to others.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts...so far I'm a little drunk and he's wondering why my eyes are red. I don't know if he believes my story about getting a cold. Just a few more hours 'til I can lay in bed...don't know if I'll sleep...
Looking back, things were really weird last night. His responsiveness was almost manic. It was like he was trying WAY too hard to be nice and attentive and not rock the boat.
And I'm starting to doubt my thoughts...I have no proof, only suspicions. I have no idea how to get proof.
I'm concerned that this marriage counselor is not going to be the right one. I was reading one of the articles here about counselors and I've never been to one before.
AUGH! I can concentrate on anything!
Oh...and I HATE HATE HATE those stupid Kay Jewelers commercials.
