The Long and Winding Road...

[JennyF]

B...don't be too hard on yourself.
I get reall frustrated with things like this. I mean look at the position oue WASs put us in and we have to act perfect all the time?? Don't negate your own feelings either, you're entitled to them...even if you should have zipped you mouth about it.
I did something similar recently and H pointed out how "it was just like our whole R". I felt bad that I did it, but I also felt like screaming, "well if you'd given me a chance I may have been able to change to save our M...but you ran away and say it's over so WTF is the point now? Is it fair for him to call me out on things that he says won't make a difference now anyway??

You have been doing extremely well, one little slip up shouldn't make our break anything. If you reconcile will she expect perfection?? I hope not!

Anyway, I got a little defensive for you there...sorry about the rant!

Having said all that, we know these changes are for ourselves first and foremost and at least she knows you have been changing. Look at this is a good chance to talk about the R...you got some insight about her feelings which isn't a bad thing.
Good luck at lunch!
J~

[tmi]

Sounds like you handled it really well, letting her vent without getting defensive - you 'talked her down' from quite an angry place.

Mistakes can be an opportunity to prove that you have changed - do you think you handled the incident differently than you would have in the past?

[bhopeful]

Thanks for the rant Jenny! It made me smile. I know exactly how you feel.

Ingrid, Thanks for thinking that I handled it well. I was just flying by the seat of my pants. I thought for sure that she was going to tell me that she wanted a D over IM. That would have sucked...

I do think that I handled it differently this morning than I would have in the past. I used to try and make excuses and reason my way out of things like this. I was tempted to again today, but I realized that it would completely invalidate her feelings. I don't want to disrespect her or her feelings so my only option left was to validate what she was saying and admit that I made a mistake and I was wrong.

--

Lunch was really good. When I got there she had already ordered and bought my lunch for me. That was a huge surprise. We didn't talk much at first, but we were both really hungry and were stuffing our faces. When we did get around to talking, there was no R talk. Nothing was said about last night or this morning. I wanted to apologize again, but I didn't want to bring it up again either. I think that I made a good choice with not bringing it up. After lunch we walked out to our cars together and she gave me a hug. I had brought a couple things of hers that she had asked for and along with them I gave her a cool incense burner that I had made for her a couple days ago. She really liked it and gave me a kiss!

We parted ways just after that as I was late for getting back to work. I think that lunch was good though. Maybe last night didn't set me back as far as I had feared. I'm still going to take it slow though.

Peace,
B

We parted ways just after that as I was late for getting back to work. I think that lunch was good though. Maybe last night didn't set me back as far as I had feared. I'm still going to take it slow though.

Great! Sounds like lunch went well for both of you. I think backslides are part of life, but you did well to work around it and pick yourself back up.

[grdn24grl]

I am soooo happy for you B - it sounds wonderful. I wish my H and I could get together for a meal or a drink or something, but I agreed to LRT until I turn blue. Again that's great, congrats on a great day.

[bhopeful]

Yeah, lunch was pretty good. We IM'd again for a while in the afternoon. She told me that she was glad that I could make it to lunch. No contact from her last night, but I didn't expect there to be either. I'm going to back off for a little while and let her come to me. Drop the rope and all that...

GG - I did LRT for around a month or so. I initiated absolutely no contact but she did usually call me once a week for a 10 minute conversation. I ended up breaking it and calling her around her birthday. This opened the line of communication back up, but I think that she was ready for it at that point too. LRT wasn't easy, but in some ways it was easier than dealing with the roller coaster ride. Good luck. I know you can do it...

[bhopeful]

So much for the "I just want to be left alone". She's talking to me on IM again today. I don't think that I'll ever be able to figure her out. It's not that I'm not grateful that she's talking to me, it's just real confusing.

Oh well, I'll take what I can get...

Peace,
B

[bhopeful]

She made no contact with me Friday or Saturday and I haven't actually heard her voice since Wednesday. I've been doing pretty good at staying busy. Nothing real exciting, but I'm not just sitting around doing nothing either. So I had absolutely no expectation that she would call me this morning, which she did. We chatted for 45 minutes or so and it was good. In the conversation she made allusions towards seeing me today. Even as far as possibly coming to the house. The conversation ended with her saying that she would call later to let me know what was going on.

Well, she didn't end up coming to the house, but we did meet for a late lunch. It was a nice time. She's been pretty upset about some things at work, so I practiced my listening and validation skills. I think that she might have had a nice time as she gave me a hug before we parted company.

The way that she talks about what's going on in life and what her plans for the future hold bring me no hope what so ever. I guess this is where I have to listen to little of what she says and half of what she does. I shouldn't take to heart the things that she talks about doing. Instead I should look at what she does. She called me this morning and then later met me for lunch. Both were positive experiences, so why I am left wanting more?

[bhopeful]

She loves me.

Yesterday was my FIL birthday, so I decided that I would call him. When I tried though something weird happened with the phone. I know that they just got new service and I wasn't sure if they got a new number so I called W. She didn't answer and in the mean time FIL called back. It was good to talk to him. We talked for 40 minutes or so. Nothing really in particular, just about some common interests and stuff like that. W tried calling me back while I was talking to him.

So, I called her back after I finished with FIL. We didn't talk about anything R-wise. She's been having trouble at work, so I listened to that and validated how she was feeling. She's been super stressed. Even to the point of puking. She claims it's about work, but part of me wonders if she's starting to regret leaving too. We goofed around some too as I had her on speaker phone and let her "talk" to the cat. She also fell asleep while I was talking to her at one point. So we had a good laugh about that. It was about that point that I told her that I should let her go so that she could get some sleep. Ended the convo with good nights.

Well all of ten minutes later she calls me back and asks me what I'm doing. I was reading the paper, so I told her that. Then she tells me that she loves me. Says that no matter what happens that she loves me and cares about me. She then said something about this all being weird. I think that she meant the separation, but she kept talking, so I couldn't verify for sure what she was talking about. It was a short call. That's all she wanted to tell me and then she was off to bed.

This is the second time that I've gotten a call like this. While I think that it's positive, it also confuses the hell out of me. Why can't she commit to wanting to work on things with me? I'm not asking her to move back in right away. Just try some dating on a regular basis. How do I bring this up though? What should my next move be? Do I keep doing what I'm doing, or do I start to make more regular contact with her? I'm so confused. Any insight would be appreciated.

[SameButDifferent]

Hey bhopeful...

When you've brought up working on the R in the past, has it worked?

This might seem like a 2x4, but seriously; what you're doing right now is working. Keep doing what works, don't revert to things that don't. Enjoy what you do get and above all, be PATIENT.

FWIW, I have a similar challenge as you. W shows affection, but claims no emotional attachment at this time. The confusion is hell. I find that focusing on whatever I get that I didn't expect, and working on continuing to better myself (a HUGE undertaking, let me tell you!) is VERY helpful.