She's ready to move on

[Michael Mc C]

LOL. Sure is a good thing that I didn't have any crazy expectations... Just went downstairs to gather up some laundry and the conversation began:

W : I don't think tonight's gonna happen <I can hear the tears>
M : Okay, is everything all right?
W : Just having a rough time, ya know?
M : I do.
W : Is that all right?
M : Sure is. No expectations, remember.

I believe she must have been talking with OM (text, in-game, whatever) and he continues to be aloof. Oh well. Thought we'd get one more in before the end of the year. Probably better to get some sleep anway. Big party tomorrow night...

"Sorry Spike, not tonight"

[Dr LOve]

Sorry to hear that MMc,

It's one thing to be like Mark and I and not have any on over a year but to get that close........ GRRRRRRRRRRR

I would have been mice though if during the last time they would have told us so me could have made the best of it.....

stay strong take a shower

Later
H

[failycrazy23]

I've read pretty much all of your sitch MMc, seeing many similarities with my own. I fear that your tag line will have another entry for when the OM is back, or the next OM. You need to force the issue of her moving out, otherwise she will continue to use that on you, she will continue to use the 'best interest of the kids' on you too. As long as she stays in the same house with access to everything, she will continue to suck from the marriage and you, while pursuing outside relationships either with the same OM or one that is a little more local. You will find yourself still here months from now with the situation pretty much the same, and one day she will find an outside relationship that works and be gone, since as long as you enable her behavior without consequences she won't feel a need to work on the R.
My post is already much longer than i wanted, but here is what I think you should
1. reality check, force her to move out.
2. continue your own GAL
3. continue counseling, and if no progress then just go dark.

Of course forcing her to move out is easier said than done, esp from an emotional point of view.
PS you should have kicked her out when she wanted to drive 8 hours to go f&ck the guy.

[Dr LOve]

I've read pretty much all of your sitch MMc, seeing many similarities with my own. I fear that your tag line will have another entry for when the OM is back, or the next OM. You need to force the issue of her moving out, otherwise she will continue to use that on you, she will continue to use the 'best interest of the kids' on you too. As long as she stays in the same house with access to everything, she will continue to suck from the marriage and you, while pursuing outside relationships either with the same OM or one that is a little more local. You will find yourself still here months from now with the situation pretty much the same, and one day she will find an outside relationship that works and be gone, since as long as you enable her behavior without consequences she won't feel a need to work on the R.
My post is already much longer than i wanted, but here is what I think you should
1. reality check, force her to move out.
2. continue your own GAL
3. continue counseling, and if no progress then just go dark.

Of course forcing her to move out is easier said than done, esp from an emotional point of view.
PS you should have kicked her out when she wanted to drive 8 hours to go f&ck the guy.

MMC,
Faily is right. But I think he is talking to BOTH of us. I am in the same sitch as you. I too should have made this decision MONTHS ago. Here I am still here. Things are "nicer" now but the time has come. Not necessarily to throw her out. (Actually we both have to leave neither one can afford the house on our own) but the choice that it's either work on our marriage or lets work on separating our stuff.
I know how you feel. It hurts so much knowing what this was going to do to my son. We were home alone yesterday and I could hear him singing in his room....... But I did not break this marriage... I am trying to fix it. And with everything if you can't fix it ya got to get rid of it or it just becomes clutter.

Hang in there big guy

Husband

[hopeforfuture]

Michael,
I have to agree with the others on this. I think it is time to rock the boat a little bit and force the issue at hand. Our situations are so similar (along with many others on this board - especially Husband). It seems like we all go through these cycles of watching things turn around slightly for the better and then get our hopes dashed when we realize that the WAS never really had any intentions of working on the R. It sounds like you're doing a great job of detaching and GALing, so I think you'll do great in the new year whichever way this goes.

Let me know when you want to get together for a drink. I'm sure we could both use one.

I know how you feel. It hurts so much knowing what this was going to do to my son. We were home alone yesterday and I could hear him singing in his room....... But I did not break this marriage... I am trying to fix it.

I had a great weekend with my son. I spent the afternoon with him at his friends house on Sat. and took him to the motorcycle convention yesterday. Tucking him into bed last night, I told him that I had a lot of fun with him and he told me that the motorcycle show was great. He always amazes me at how compassionate and thoughful he can be. It tears my heart out wondering what this whole situation will do to him and his sister.

[fightingirish]

Mc...

Wishing you a better 2008.. take care

tal

[Michael Mc C]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I know it's time and it's a difficult decision to make but really, it hasn't been my decision this whole time. I need to step up I guess and get things moving.

She told me last night, hours after our "not tonight" conversation, that she was sorry our plans didn't work out and that she has a lot of baggage that she has to work through. The last time she had a lot of baggage to work through she stayed here, we became closer and my heart got ripped out again when the OM showed back up. Since she is continuing to try to contact him (I believe) and since she has told me she has no interest in rediscovering love, attraction and romance with me, I feel I'm setting myself up for more disappointment by continuing the current living arrangements.

When her brother was up a few nights ago he and his GF told me the same thing. She needs to move on. In fact when her brother (a man's man) read the mail she sent me about not wanting 'rediscovery' he became a bit emotional and told me that, his sister or not, she should NOT be treating me this way and that she had no right to expect the living arrangements to continue. "You obviously love her far more than she deserves and she's treating you like sh|t for it"

Quite frankly watching her "work through her baggage" is not something I want to do any longer. I'm not sure how to approach this with her at this point. I'm thinking that a simple statement regarding the fact that we are in two different places (one of her common phrases regarding her desire to end the marriage and my desire to build a better one) may suffice. The longer she is here the longer my hope will remain. I think I should recommend that she move to her mother's to work through her baggage and to see where she comes out at the end.

The baggage she is referring to, of course, is the end of her affair - something I did not have anything to do with (I take my responsibility for the marriage but not for infidelity of any kind).

Frank_D and Rob1231 (I think) recommend staying in the house together so the changes I've made can be more readily seen. I like the theory of course but I'm not sure that I can detach as well as they did to make it workable.

Got a lot of thinking to do.

[Dr LOve]

MMC,
I think I know how you are feeling. I feel like I am in the excact same place. I too had the "theroy" like Frank_D and Rob1231 recommend. And there had been plenty of posative changes. I do think it was good that we stayed in the same house but........ Now is the time... I don't know about you but I am scared. I like you know that I did not make the decision that has lead up to this but I am the one paying for it.
It's nice that your BIL knows the truth and can give you support. I know once we start this process of letting our W know it can no longer be this was and they need to chose we will feel alone.
Stay strong buddy. You have my e-mail. I plan on telling the W to get on the wagon or get off there i no more sidesaddle. Mine will be not so much asking her to move out but we need to sell the house and go our seperate ways unless she want to participate in our marriage.
yoyo wants me to read "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson

I am getting it today. maybe you should look into it also.

Manuel

[light switch]

MMC,

You have to decide for yourself when the time is right for you. I myself am going to ride the roller coaster a little further. If i hop off now cause the tracks dont look so good ahead i may never make it back to where i started(a relationship with a beautiful woman whom i love).

food for thought

light switch

[LL44]

light switch makes an amazing point. One I have never really considered........

If i hop off now cause the tracks dont look so good ahead i may never make it back to where i started

Wow.