Women at Stage 3 may also be experiencing the ending of an extramarital affair, and the ending may not have been their decision. They may have been involved with single men who either lost interest because the relationship could not progress or who became attracted to another women who was single. Women whose affairs are ending often experience extreme grief. They may become deeply depressed and express tremendous anger toward their husbands. They are typically unaware that they are experiencing chemical withdrawal due to sudden changes in their brain chemistry. As a result, many will feel that they have missed their chance at happiness due to their indecisiveness.
Ooooo, my wife seems to be very angry with me, very often. Coincidentally, her OM, rumour has it, has moved on and is now dating. Last year he was "her soulmate" and "they had the same frequency" and now they are "just friends". Hmmm. Funny, that.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
W's parents divorced when she was 6. Father remarried and lost touch with W and her sis, no child support payments, etc. W's mom became an alcoholic, had a series of short term relationships with men, in the house. Family house fell into disrepair, they were poor, W hated her situation, her parents, etc.
W and I met in college. I'm from a big italian family, I am # 5 of 7 siblings. W loved the big family, was close with all my sibs. W was closer with my parents than with her own. My parents loved her, truly, like their own daughter.
My mom and dad fell into poor health, Dad smoked too much and died of heart attack in 2002. Mom diagnosed with breast cancer later the same year. Mom died in late 2004. I took my dad's sudden death hard; Mom's death was hard too, but not unexpected. In retrospect, it sure seems like these were big blows to my W. Maybe re-living the abandonment she experienced from her *own* parents. Seems to fit the pattern of a MLC trigger. Sure seems clear in retrospect.
Around the time of the passing of my mom, W began showing signs of feeling antsy. Changed her hair color often. Not terribly satisfied with her deal. In 2004/5, we went through a period where we didn't ML for 10 months. She didn't even notice it, expressed disbelief when I told her how long it had been. We went to Paris on a vacation, just us two; she confided to her friend that even there she was not happy. I did not know.
Spring 2006, my job had changed, I began travelling more often. At the same time our best family friends were going through some marriage troubles. The wife/mother from that family took a job in another state, came home only on weekends. W and the man (my best friend), both stay at home parents, became closer. PA between my wife and the OM started in May 2006 during a crisis in the OM's relationship with his wife (he had had a vasectomy, but his wife somehow got pregnant).
W of best friend discovered this in in July 2006, called to let me know. I was devastated. We had been planning to move the family across the country; close date on the new house was 10 days away. She told me she wanted to stay with me. Never wanted to break up the family. Felt horrible. Together we decided to go through with the move.
We moved, mutually committed to working on the M and R, went to MC, but never really got on track. W continued to communicate with OM.
W complaints about me have escalated as time went on. starting with: I (me) was always unhappy, to I was scary, to I was controlling. All the standard mumbo-jumbo about affairs: OM and I had a connection, we're on the same frequency, we're soulmates, we were together in a previous life (no, seriously!), etc. W's current position is that I was abusive for 20 years (!!), that I have restricted her hobbies (totally untrue), that I keep her from her family (likewise), that I have never been involved with the kids (ludicrous), etc.
We separated Sept 1st 2007, I moved out and she stayed in the house with the kids. We had a written "controlled separation" agreement, including a clause that said, We'd date (never did) and that neither of us would file for divorce for 3 months. Almost made it! She filed papers November 27th. I later learned she had been preparing to divorce since September, getting financial statements, etc.
Christmas was nice - we spent it together with the kids. Platonic kiss from W - first one in 5-6 months. Since then she has pulled back pretty strongly. I have been moving to separating finances, and that makes her very angry.
OM is three states away, is dating other women, his divorce is proceeding. He is a pariah among all my friends from college, who still keep in touch. W and OM still connect regularly. She visits him. W claims they are "just friends" now, and always will be.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Welcome to MLC forum SPM! I think anger and depression from the WAS can mean multiple things, whether it is male or female. My H was very angry and withdrawn at the beginning of his EA, and especially right after I found out. Then he leveled out, but lately has been very negative and depressed, his face looks so old. I guess we can hope that anger and depression is working in our favor!
Being that you had time to DB when you were still together and since you've been separated, do you care to offer an opinion on which way you prefer? ps- are you still DBing?
Jack, thanks for the welcome. This is not a club I ever wanted to join. {sticks tongue out at entire frigging world}
Palgal, to answer your question:
I should never have left the house, for 2 reasons: first, I was more effective DBing in the house than out. Leaving the house convinced her I was abandoning her; she immediately began preparing divorce papers. 2nd: I gave up rights as a parent when I left my children. Sad but true. I should have seen a lawyer before leaving, but I didn't, and now I don't get to see my kids unless she agrees to it. I hate this.
I know what you mean about "his face looks so old." I've noticed that about W, too. Looking in her face, I know this is no picnic for her.
I am still DBing, which for my situation, means: - cheerful every time she sees me - GAL to the degree I can. - Acting as if everything will be fine - working on acceptance and "dropping the rope"
Right now, my GAL efforts are not working so well. I really miss my kids and it's bringing me down. When I take inventory, I feel pretty wiped out: no kids, no house, no money, no wife, moved away from friends and family. When I was in the house I had a life - I rode my bike all the time, 4-5 times a week. I went out with the kids to various places. I worked around the house.
Now, I don't ride the bike, I don't go out much, etc. I wouldn't want to marry me either, in this state. I know I need to get a life, but I really don't feel like it, most days.
On days when I see my kids, I have a blast. Other days it's like I'm in a holding pattern. I miss my old life. It all evaporated so fast.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
I had a dream last night - I was in the ocean, along the shore, floating in the waves. For some reason I had to stay off the shore, it was like I was a marine animal and I needed to be in the ocean. And there were a couple ways to do it, to stay off the shore. One way was to struggle and fight the current, and make a big effort. Another way I found in my dream was to become one with the current and just stay within it. Just be. I let the waves toss me up and down, but by little corrections I was able to stay where I needed to be.
There were a bunch of other people out in the waves, too, and some of them were struggling, while some of them were going with the flow. My son was out in front of me, I was looking into his face, and I was trying to teach him to just let go, let the current take him, don't be afraid of just floating and getting tossed around. Just relax and let it happen.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Some of the lessons we learn are hard ones. Your take on leaving is really valuable. I can't imagine not seeing my kids everyday. I'm so sorry for your pain.
I like the dream. How did it make you feel (inside the dream)?
Hah! inside the dream I felt at ease, rolling in the waves. I felt like, "hey look, I don't need to struggle!" I felt like a father, out there in the waves with my son. I miss my kids.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Today I went to the gym, first time since papers served. It was a brief workout, but it felt good to get back into it. When the papers were served I got a little off-kilter. I'm glad to be working back on now.
Saw my IC. She's a good steadying influence.
Felt really in control of my emotions today. I miss my kids and have been breaking down recently, sometimes without warning. Today I felt solid. Still miss em. But I'm staying in control.
Took care of a bunch of things I've been meaning to do. Sent out some thankyou notes for kindnesses people have showed me lately. Got some new tires for the car. Paid some bills.
Had a nice conv with W. She took the 4 kids out to a performance this evening. Everyone had fun and laughed. I'm glad. and I'm glad she shared it with me on the phone when we talked.
Bonus points: I also brought up a difficult topic with W - money. We have credit card debt of about 2 months salary (before tax). The interest and late fees are killing us. I withdrew some funds to pay the cc debt, but sent the paper check to the house, where I am not. The difficult topic is: I want that check to pay credir cards; I suspect she will look at her possession of the check as an opportunity for control.
I asked W if she had received the check. Yes. She's not interested in letting me have it, though. I explained what I thought we needed to do. CC interest is killing us. It's financially wise to pay off the expensive debt. She considered that, but still not comfortable releasing the check to me. I said, look, W, we need to move on this. We cannot afford the cc interest! (not arguing, just stating facts.) She countered - we still need to put food on the table, how are we going to do that? I said, the same way it has happened for the past 12 years, from my paycheck. (not condescending) She wants to talk to her attorney, asked if I could wait til monday. I agreed. "Sure!" (easygoing, understanding).
For me this is a huge victory. We had a pleasant chat about the evening, then I broached a difficult subject, and we DID NOT FIGHT. WOOHOO! We handled a conflict, and there was no BLOODSHED. WOW. Hallelujah! You might think I am joking but I am NOT. I am super excited about this. Having a fight that "worked." (Actually not a fight at all, just a discussion where we disagreed and yet did not get emotional.)
For me this was a conscious effort. I Thoguht about what I wanted before the call. The check was big, but what I wanetd was bigger - a calm conversation about something difficult. I thought before the call, that if she disagrees, I'm not going to get upset. I'm going to remain calm. And I did! yeehaw!
Ok, we also did not completely resolve the issue, but I am GLAD that it worked out the way it did.
On that last item - it is worthy of a little more examination. This is one of those baby steps I want to celebrate. Ironic, because I had wanted to just take care of the CC debt on my own. I told her what I planned to do and invited her to a discussion about it. I told her if I did not hear from her I would start paying the CC debt. Didn't hear from her. Then I withdrew funds, but inadvertentlysent the check to the house, where I do not live. Whoops! Mistake! I want to control that money...
Then I thought about it, and I thought - look, life is offering me a chance to demonstrate some real trust here. This is what I mean:
I saw a couple options - I could stop payment on the check. This is what my closest friend advised me to do. For sure that would look confrontational and demonstrate a lack of trust in her. She would get the check, and find out it was stopped. This is a lot of money so trust is a significant issue. Option 2; I could go raid the mailbox. Risky: I have no idea when the mail would be delivered, and I'd risk running into her. And if that were to occur, a likely confrontation, and again, my lack of trust would be laid bare. 3rd option was the one I chose - trust her and appeal to her sense of fairness without whining or suspiscion.
I called and told her to expect the check. I called again two days later (today) to ask about the check. It was obvious I was trusting her. I explained what I wanted to do - use those funds to pay down credit cards. I talked about it as if I were in control of the cc situation. I did not get defensive. I did not assign blame. I did not get tweaked when she refused to give me the check. Just all businesslike. And finally I agreed with her proposal to wait til Monday, even though it was not what I originally asked for.
This is a lot of money. but if I can risk it to demonstrate some positive trust in her, it is worth it! In a normal divorce with a lack of trust, there would be animosity and secrecy, and it would breed and magnify itself. But in this case I chose to take this as an opportunity to demonstrate trust. I feel like it turned out really well.
She cannot help but feel that I am trusting her.
(I think?)
more later.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
It's so exhausting isn't it when you feel you have to try and analyse what you are going to do and try to prepare to act in a way that will not be confrontational? I am so bad at that....
I'm knackered. I have to go shopping. I feel like a bad mum. d6 has just laid on the couch watching tv all day so far except for when we went to my waxing appointment this morning. d won't want to go shopping with me either....
