Quotes found on Divorcebusting (II)

[Ready2Change]

My Original thread has been moved and locked:

Quotes found on Divorcebusting

Here are some more:

Honestly, the first thing you need to do is forgive yourself for your failing M -- the past is the past, and you did the best you could with the tools you had at the time. End of story
-Gone Dancin'

We NEVER leave PEOPLE... We leave situations. Please keep that in mind. She is not leaving YOU she is leaving a situation that she thinks YOU created. Change that situation and take away her reasons for leaving.
-MarcDIsDone

The four stages in general terms include, (1) Reducing negative emotions (2) Reestablishing a relationship (friendship) (3) Realignment of romance (4) Recommitment
- HOPEFULinCALI

Always say less than she does. If she says five words, you say three. Simple declarative sentences get their attention,they knew I was listening
-Gypsy

Real Love is when you expect nothing in return.
-jmw128

Real Love is if you needed your spouse right now could you depend on them.
-jmw128

I would do whatever for her, expecting nothing
-jmw128

It's not how you fall that matters, but how you get up
-Gypsy

Take long walks to think clearly about your future and what goals you need to set
-sandi2

and that at the very best means that we can control our actions, choices, behaviors, etc. Yes, it is hard work because we pretty much have to re-wire ourselves, but I have found that the more you focus on doing this and the more effort you put into it, the easier it becomes
-Gone Dancin'

You start acting like you will be okay no matter what happens
-Gone Dancin'


She is a typical WAS -- completely in selfish mode.
-Gone Dancin'

It almost always takes a major crisis to fully occur before we are able to understand the magnitude of our previous choices, actions, and behaviors.
-Gone Dancin'

"the grass is only greener where you water it"
-cherylanne

Even though you didn't ask for this to happen, the better educated you are on all facets (DR, relationships, Positive Mental Attitude, the divorce process) the better you'll be able to manage this difficult period
-Gypsy


Just assume that you are competing with another woman, but you have the man
-cherylanne

Do things that are positive for you, not just positive for the marriage, and you will get to a good place
- dry_heat

All the space, all the room, all the freedom he wants. Validation, understanding and making positive changes for me as I emerge from a cocoon of a mismanaged marriage
-Gypsy

I take the Divorce Remedy every where I go, and read it over and over. It brings a peace and renewed understanding.
--Gypsy

I'd say find a positive level of interaction so you engage her as long as she's a willing participant in the "fight" - face the anger, irrationality or whatever as long as you do it in a completely detached way, but face it without fear. This way you are still in the game and can listen, learn, relate, improvise.
- fb2

my new theory is to treat anyone who's being unreasonable like a cat. Ignore them long enough and eventually they seek you out
--Gypsy

How will doing X, Y or Z effect my personal well being, long term goal, family.
--Gypsy

A person has their own needs. You don't tell someone what they are because you don't want to make any demands on someone. But you still have these needs, then you get frustrated because you still have them and they aren't being met. Then you resent me because I'm not meeting your needs. Then you feel guilty for resenting me for not meeting your needs that you never told me about in the first place. Which then frustrates you even more for not saying anything for so long. I know it sounds confusing, but the next thing you are caught up in this revolving door of emotions, and none of them are any good
-homegrown

Maybe DBing is like fishing. If you always pulled 'em in, it'd be called 'catching'. Perhaps the image of the patience it takes to fish might help during this time.
--Gypsy

Building up expectations and using H to validate you, make you happy, centering your life around what he does or doesn't do - those are all things under YOUR control that are causing you to get hurt over and over
-NikB


I understand why that you do not wish to be married at this time and this break is a good time for us to work on ourselves.
-HOPEFULinCALI

1) Minimize contact/conflict with WAW - I am doing this well, yet can do better. But I will focus all my strength in minimizing the time spent during our contacts...I do not want to allow for an opportunity of conflict.
2) When communicating with WAW, I will listen more, talk less, be calm, friendly, and confident - once agan no conflict, no awkwardness, or chaos.
3) Be patient and consistent with my GAL, 180's, etc...WAW is very much noticing my changes/actions through 5D - so I definitely want to maintain what I am doing well.
4) Be extremely focused and determined to get to stage 2 - friendship. To know and execute my three goals above will give me a chance.
I very much want to move to Stage 2 of rekindling our friendship. I miss my friend. I will remain focused on this primary goal.
-jmw128

[addie]

Thanks for the quotes. I saw your first thread of quotes as well. It helps to read them all in one place.

[Ready2Change]

Gypsy had a great post!

(I like the fart one!)

It's not about recognition from other.. but about recognizing who I am.

His approval does not define my self worth.

Sentences beginning with 'him', 'he' are outlawed, along with 'poor me' statements.

I am no longer a victim.

I will move out of that comfort zone.

It's easier to be the one left behind when it comes to getting sympathy... but guess what.. that does nothing positive when it comes to living a full and productive life.

I will not feel sorry for myself.

I will accept the unknown, the fear.

I will trust those who are worthy.

I will take chances that lead to positive goals.

I will embrace change, be more flexible, listen without talking.

I will leave the crap where it lands and not carry it with me.

What other people say about me is none of my business.

What I say about others is my choice.

I will spend time on what brings joy, renewal and growth.

I will move to a better place in my life without worrying about should have's, would have's, could have's.

I will let go of how I let his choices disable me.

I will focus on where MY choices will take me.

I will not be perfect, the epitome of anything.

I will be a wonderful woman with heart, grace, soul and farts.

I will accept all of me, even the crap I don't like.

I'll clean my mind, unload the stuff that's been stuffing it. Just let go of the clutter I cling to.

I will remember to smile fo no reason, if only to keep that downturned line by my mouth from getting any deeper.

I will remember to wear sunblock.

I will embrace those who relish who I am, and not worry about the others.

I will not view myself through other people's eyes.

I will listen to what is said to me in love, concern, support, hate, disrespect and will make my own choices.

I will learn to separate my knee jerk reactions of emotions from what is truly good for me.

I will love me.. as wonderful, whacky, imperfect, gooky, sad, happy and however else I might be.

I will love others without the fear of the past crippling me.

I will live my life without the blanket of my fears and insecurities.

I will not scratch the wound.

I will accept and own what is mine and flush the rest.

I will heal, be happy, healthy and grateful for all that life has given and will give me.

And I will never be afraid to..

[Ready2Change]

Some more:

People don't change because they are talked into it. Did you change when she was nagging you? No, it took an action on her part, truly intending to leave you, to make you take action.
-Just_Me

She didn't reach the point of divorce overnight....she won't reach the point of reconciliation overnight either. And she might not ever reach that point...but you can't control that.
-Just_Me

Positive state of mind for those fighting for the marriage:
Write down 10 positive things about your Spouse.
Write down 5 of the happiest moments when you were together.
Write down 3 things you need to work on.
Do this excerise, the reason we focus on the positives that happened and the happy moments that happened is because they already occured, they can't be taken away! We write down three things we need to work on because we can only change and control ourselves, it us up to others to control and change themselves.
-thegoodfight

It is okay to screw up we all do it. It is very good to admit mistakes and correct them. I call this being an adult. Forgive yourself and you will find in time it will make it easier to forgive others also. This is how we grow as human beings.
-thegoodfight

It's time to be brutally honest with yourself -- what have you done wrong in your R, and what behaviors do you believe need to be changed? It seems that everything I've read so far is blame towards your H. H did this, H did that, etc. Ask yourself why he has gone somewhere else to get his needs met (which also means you need to determine what his needs truly are and how you've not met them and why).
- Gone Dancin'

A few things I learned last night in my little on line course...
"the moment you surrender to the worst possible thing that can happen to you, the door opens to the divine"
"the past has no power over the present"
"your repetitive negative emotions are only creating more negative emotions"
"accept the discomfort and the pain for what it is in order to move past it"
-JennyF

I am sure at some point or other you have either thought or said that you would gladly give your life for your W or your kids. Well what you need to do now is not that drastic, so gladly throw yourself into this knowing that you will BOTH come out of this stronger and happier.
-steve477

DONT tell OMs W. Tempting at times I know. But think of it this way. If you tell his W and she leaves him, then he is free to persue your W. Counter productive dont you think!
-steve477

Your W is not in love with him, she is in love with the idea of being in love with him. Remember when you were inlove? Its about how the other person made YOU feel about yourself, it was a good feeling, but it never lasts
-steve477

I think I said the serenity prayer a thousand times.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

I can understand why you backslide. It's hard to maintain your composure when they are spitting venom and vile. My W brings up things that have happened in the past because she does not have anything bad to bring up that I have done since I have changed. They see our changes and get pissed about them at first, add a dose of guilt on their part and they can get real riled during R talks.
- M from Tennessee

AND if you forgive someone...you never use it against them in the future. Think hard about that
-Jack_Three_Beans

but I had kids to become a family, not to be a broken family and seperate holidays and not experience things as a family
-gabbysmom23

[Ready2Change]

In fact, I had an epiphany of sorts last night. I know for certain I will happy again because there are only two possible outcomes:

1. I will repair my marriage and my W and I will never take each other for granted again and our love will be stronger than it ever could have been prior to going through this...OR

2. I will realize my W and I are not right for each other and I will move on and live the life I was meant to have, but could not have realized without going through this process.

[Ready2Change]

I think what a lot of us (not just me) who have been communicating regularly with CBK are seeing in him is he seeks advice, considers it, very often even vocalizes what he KNOWS he should (or shouldn't) do . . . and then he does it anyway. It's not so much he has disagreed with the advice, rather it's a sense of:

"Should I touch the hot stove?"

"No!!!!"

"I know I shouldn't, but maybe it would help me determine the real temperature of the burners."

"No, don't do it -- it will make it worse!"

"OK, I hear you, and I know I shouldn't, but maybe if I just do it once, I will know what I'm dealing with and the stove will know that I'm serious about knowing what its temperature is."

"Please, CBK, you'll only burn your hand!"

"I know you're all saying I shouldn't touch the stove, and I hear you. But last nite, I backslid and I touched the stove again, and this is why . . . "

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

It's not that we don't respect CBK's instincts, and we DAMNED sure respect his EFFORT. He's working his azz off. It's that he's not following his instincts, even when he knows (and vocalizes) that he should.

Puppy

[Ready2Change]

Here are some more:

Unless this is something that you've never done before (ie..send flowers) don't do this. It's pursuing, which the W does NOT want. She knows how you feel. Trust me. Trust that she knows. Anything like this is considered pressure from the LBS and what they are trying to do is process a TON of emotions and they can't when they get things like that from us.
-Neilh23


If you want to meet your W's emotional needs then meet the one that she wants you to meet......detach. Have the strength to be yourself and to let her be herself. This is what real giving is about....she has told you what she wants (space)....give it to her even if you don't want to. Have the courage to let her go....but be her friend if she needs one (Check out the Man-Up thread in MLC by SG....it is probably several pages back now). I doubt seriously if your newly sep W was upset that she only got a card for your Anniversary...I hope you didn't follow it up with flowers. This is a day she is trying to forget....don't pressure her.
-Neilh23

I'm by no means free and clear of all sins; I've caused her secondary infections for sure. However, by seeing her as "not well", I've developed deep compassion and pity for her.
-cotoffgard


"There are two primary choices in life:
to accept conditions as they exist,
or accept the responsibility for changing them."
Denis Waitley
-Mountainman

Great quote I read today:
"You are today where your thoughts have brought you;
you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you."
James Allen
-Mountainman

Here's what I learned:
1) some people can do this flawless and it won't matter
2) some people can't do this and it will matter
3) It takes time and some of these spouses are just gone for good
4) No one can determine which one yours will be
5) Engaging in arguments is BAD
6) Validate and detach (as applicable in each situation)
7) Get a DB coach if you can, if not read this BB and DR(your
not sleeping anyway)
8) If you drink stop...I wouldn't even have a glass of wine
because I knew what would happen (buzzed emotional meltdown
in front of him)
9) Handle yourself appropriately in front of your children, this one is most important...children learn by example..
10)Assuming what they are doing and what is really going on is
way different...I found all this out when he came home..you
are on their minds a lot more than you think. So with that don't you want their thoughts to be either A. See what a controlling Biatch she is or B. Hey, she's totally cool, self sufficient and no pressure. That's what the OP is doing for them so it's your chance to behave the same way.
-sandycay

[Ready2Change]

Expressing Empathy:
1. Be a feeling mirror; "you look sad" "you look angry" "you look scared"
2. Don't therapize
3. Echo feelings back
4. Ask; "how are you feeling now?"
5. Ask; "what was that like for you?"
6. Ask; "if your feelings could speak what would they say?"
7. Don't try to make the person feel better or cheer up or look on the bright side.
8. Collect what they are feeling
9. Compare with your own feelings of the past
10. Communicate back; Say "it hurts doesn't it" or "that would make me angry too".
11. Ask yourself; How would I have to feel to say what this person just said.
12. Say; "I can see your eyes filling with tears, do you want to tell me how you feel?"

[smartcookie]

Nice !

Hugs

ps H is playing his old games.

[Esky94]

(Check out the Man-Up thread in MLC by SG....it is probably several pages back now).

This thread interests me, but I can find it with the search engine. Can you post the link? Thanks.