I've seen a few familiar faces around the board over the last few minutes. It has been over 8 months since I've been on here, that was about the time I threw in the towel and quit fighting it. Good thing I did, things went relatively painless. XW stayed involved w/ OM up through April. Then jumped into another R with a younger guy from my hometown (60 miles away)! Divorce was final on 6/20.
Now, for the two main reasons I am back here...
First and foremost, I am seriously worried about what my kids are being subjected to. Since March the X has been in habit of going out clubbing when the kids are with her. In late April she rear-ended someone while absolutely hammered drunk on one of these occasions. Strange man (future boyfriend) brought two falling down drunk women (X and her buddy) back to house at 3AM when they were supposed to be home at 11PM. My oldest was babysitting my other three and the three of X's friend. Oldest got VERY pissed. X swore next day she would never go to clubs again when she had kids. She could have been hurt/killed, hurt/killed someone else, or been arrested. She got lucky.
Within one week she was back at it and continues to this day. This past Friday night she told them she would be home by midnight and rolled in at 4AM w/ no key to house or cell phone to call. Had to knock on door and wake kids up.
She goes out to clubs weekly on nights she has kids. My oldest comments that if that is the way she acts when kids are around then how does she act when they aren't around. Two weeks ago she went out and left my 15 year old and her buddy to return to empty house after going on car date with two 16 year olds. I was not happy that I wasn't consulted on 15 year old going "out" on "car date", and that her Mom wasn't home until 1:30 AM to verify that they got home on time and that boys left immediately. She dismissed my concerns.
I am concerned that my kids, who led very upper middle class life, somewhat wholesome and strict parents, are now being subjected to a bar fly mom who puts her own wants before them. It is only a matter of time until she has something very bad happen to her on one of these times when kids are left alone.
My question... I am VERY worried that I am going to have to seek custody of the kids. Can I do anything and what should I do?
Now for the stupid kicker question that I already know the answer to...
Since just before the D was final, up until just two days ago, she will hit a phase every few days where she calls me asking if we should "date", if I miss her, etc.
I know these coincide with "down times" in her other relationshipos, or low moments in her dealings with the kids. I know I don't want to go back to what I was in before but I worry that if I totally blow her off she is just going to get deeper into the crap (described above) that she is wading in.
As for me, I've been doing fine. Busy, Busy at work and I've met several nice and extremely attractive women who are now my friends. After what I've been through I know I do not, nor could I have, a serious relationship with anyone. So... everything is just loosy goosey and I enjoy my time with them.
So, let's hear it you wise people! Tell me this is a "normal" progression and that things are going to be okay. Tell me that I don't have to worry about my kids being absolutely ashamed of what their mother is becoming. Tell me I'm worried about nothing and that I need to just sit back and watch how all this pans out before I do anything.
I can't tell you not to worry about your kids. I see red flags going up every which way in this sitch.
Is it normal. YUP, this is what someone in MLC who wants to be footloose and fancy free does to relive what she thinks she missed does.
You really should talk to your ex first. Give her fair warning of your intentions and your concerns. Lay down the law and tell her that this is what you expect in no uncertain terms. Your kids are you first concern as they should be. If anything ever happened to them you would never forgive yourself. If she doesn't make some changes I would consult an attorney. You know it wouldn't hurt to go ahead and get a consult one just to see what your rights and options are. I hate to tell you this but I don't think that your talking to her will be the quick fix that you're hoping for.
I have spoken to her several times, including this weekend when it was required that we spend several hours around one another. She expressed, as usual, regret for having stumbled in so late for the kids and says she doesn't plan on doing it again. This, of course, I have heard before. Two weeks ago I stopped just short of threatening her with legal action, and this weekend I told her that I was very worried that I might have to do that at some point. Her only reply was that a judge won't take a Mom's kids away just because she leaves them at home w/ their older sister. My thought is that any action from me would be the result of some sort of bad event, such as a DUI.
This weeekend I begged her to relieve my worries by letting the kids come stay with me when she knows that she will be going out. We'll see if that takes, but I doubt she will because then she will have to tell me when she is going out.
Who knows, it is just causing me a lot of worry. I don't want a bumpy road w/ my X but I know what she is doing is not good for my kids in any way, and there is no sense they have to endure it. Heck, I know some day she is going to look back on this with real regret. She was always a great and extremely protective mother, she has just changed...
Steve just remember that you can't be responsible for her. She makes these choices all my her lonesome without regard for the kids.
.....and actually leaving all of those kids alone together is way too much for one child to handle. She's just acting like a child and being defiant by telling you "the judge won't care!" Sorry but I have a neighbor that just got his 2 children due to his ex wife's drinking and I don't know that she ever even left the house or the kids alone to do it.
This is for you to decide but if it were me, I would ask daughter to call you the next time your ex leaves and doesn't come back on time. Then I would go over and rescue them!
Hey Steve,long time no see. I was thinking about you a week or so ago and wondering how things turned out for ya.
The kid thing sucks dude, but Bethie is dead on. Your responsibility is to them and to protect them at all costs. You laid it out there for her to bring them to you, if she doesn't and she isn't home on time, do as Beth says and go rescue those kids. Let her know that is what you are going to do, that way she has nothing to bitch about.
She's right, a judge wouldnt do anything if it was simply her leaving the kids alone, but with the accident and the kids seeing her drunk, I bet you a judge might just have a different opinion. Not that you need to take that route, but do not let her BS you when you bring it up.
Thanks to ya Beth and Ian, I'll just keep a close eye on things. I hate to get any of my kids in the middle, asking them to narc on Mom when she stays out too late.
This weekend during our (what I thought was very good) rational discussion of things, I told her that since she is the one in the middle of the MLC that she isn't seeing things with a rational set of eyes. She disagreed that she is in MLC, said she is just going through a "wild phase".
The kicker has been her recent "attempts" at sparking something between us. For a few days she is in the mode then she will just drop it instantly and go totally the opposite way. I just need to get myself back into the mode of not giving her or her feelings a second thought. Me worrying about my kids for the past few weeks has been tough on me, and I've been willing to let my guard down in order to try and remove some of that worry. Instead it has back-fired on me a bit. Heck it got me to the point where I came back on here for advice. This isn't the sort of stuff I like talking to my friends & family about. I really don't want them to know what my X has turned into.
Ian,
Despite what all this rambling might indicate, I have been doing quite well with everything. I had moments leading up to the D date, just didn't want to let it go. The day of D I was not a happy camper but by the next day I was actually amazed to feel such a burden lifted off of me. I cruised along quite well until the recent stuff with the kids. I hope all is well with you! Planning any big hunting trips this fall?
I have absolutely no respect for people who abandon and inflict pain on innocent family. How selfish and unseemly can they get?
Oh, and if these know-it-all geniuses are so smart, why in the world do they even bother to get married and have children only to leave them home to go out and party?
Why in the world do they believe that they "deserve" to act out all of the things that they should have gotten out of their system before starting a family?
How lame these WAS are! "Poor me"...."My needs, my needs, my needs..." It sure gets old.
How about they grow up and stop whining? How about they count their many blessings and stop trying to live in a fantasy instead of the real world? How about they take care of the family they already have?
Yes, I know I deserve better, there is no doubt about that. It's funny how when there is any sort of a crisis that the ghosts of past ones sort of come back to life.
How's it going? Hope you've got things straight in your mind as to how you'll handle the sitch regarding the kids. Who know, maybe she'll "get it" and you won't ever have to deal with. Somehow I doubt that though. Life just doesn't seem to go that smoothly when you're dealing with a "teenager".
but I worry that if I totally blow her off she is just going to get deeper into the crap
toots, she is doing whatever she wants anyways, apparently not even having kids have made her stop behaving in such a way, protect yourself emotionally, this woman is toxic, your first impressions are right, she seeks some comfort in between her craziness.
Please keep a detail dated journal of all that has been happening, if you need to go to a judge you will need it. Your d is putting up with way too much, your gut feeling is right, keep a sharp eye, and her "wild phase" crap statement tells me that she knows what she is doing but she is behaving like a lunatic anyways to please #1.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
