It's Tx Mom.. 2nd thread.. trying to hold on...

[imLIN]

Well I never had to deal with this because my H didn't take our son ever over night...and he was 9!
My feelings are...they go to "Dad's place"...the oldest should have an air matress or something to sleep on, not with her dad so you don't have to deal with bad habits...he can sleep on the couch or make up a little area for her in the living room on an air matress...that is what my kids did at grandma and grandpa's..it was fun...actually we even got a little inside kids tent for my son to camp out in!
I would start with one day at a time to see how it goes for the kids and you...I told my H he couldn't have our son overnight because I didn't trust him (he had some issues going on that were beyond OW although I did tell him she would NEVER be around my kids...put that in the LS agreement and he signed it!)
I think the more he comes around to be with kids and you the better able you are to show him how you are changing for the better...plus as others have mentioned it gives OW time to stew and get naggy!
Try and control the snippiness (you know that) but I would ask that he get his things out so you can get on with things how YOU want them...his stuff is in the way now!...be nice but set a date (reasonable)...and start rearranging things

Lin

[TxMomw/2girls]

PM and imLIN ---- thanks so much...

boy did things change for the worse this weekend and I'm so glad I just popped on to see what you guys said.

PM you nailed it on the head.. My H spent Halloween with us and then went out with OW... he was open to coming and being with the kids Saturday night and all day today... well come Saturday morning and a few texts later my H called at 2pm and said " can I just do all day Sunday"?? He was hung over and tired and "hurting".... I told him that not doing Saturday night was fine but could he come by for a few hours b/c I had a mani and pedicure scheduled (as I had thought he was watching the kids) he said " I'll call in an hour" this is after he argued with me about coming over and how important was my mani and pedi? I said how important was getting wasted last night for you?? " it's all relative" needless to say he didn't call me until 4 hours later at 6:30pm and said he had fallin asleep and I guess so did OW.... he said how sorry he was.... whatever!!!

I was so mad... he came over this morning and is here now.. I went to church this morning and thank gosh talked with a good friend because I've been crying and so angry today.... let down again... why do I let it bother me...

So to your point PM - and as my friend said.. that my H is probably do the best he can do juggling two lives, that it must get exhausting for him... This past Wednesday he forgot to call our D3 back and we got into it on Thursday about that.. He is A.D.D too which only adds to his loofness.

I want to suggest counseling for both of us this week to discuss separation expectations because clearly he probably thinks he is doing a good job and I clearly don't think he is.... we need to set some boundries and I think our first meeting needs to be with a third party so I don't kill him. thoughts??

I have to assume that he is not going to be the Dad he was when we were living together... how could he... I guess I figured, leave me but not the kids, but in reality how can he really do both good... his girlfriend and be a great dad... it just pains me for my girls and I feel if he can't get it right now that it will probably only get worse moving forward... and my kids are the ones who will be hurt. Oh well deal with that when it happens..

thanks so much for encouraging words.. I needed it today.. I'm now going to go enjoy my afternoon ...

[TxMomw/2girls]

good morning all..

Well H spent the day at our house all day yesterday. We talked about next weekend and that I'm playing tennis Saturday morning and I mentioned that he'd have the girls Friday night until Saturday morning so I'd just come pick them up when my match was over.

He goes into it again that it really doesn't make since to have the girls at his place.. with our 6 month old he doesn't have a highchair, and all her stuff... he doesn't even have a TV yet etc.. I told him that he can't keep coming here to watch the kids... H wants to watch kids here and then go to apartment to sleep and come over in morning to feed etc... (must be nice)

What do I do?? Do I keep inforcing this issue? I told him this is what you wanted not me and yeah I don't want my kids anywhere but home. I mentioned the last time he watched and stayed here - he came down at 12:30am and told me he wanted to leave he wasn't comfortable... he just stood there.. that this would be easier for him to just get his place set up and stay there..

He said we need to sell the house then b/c he needs a two bedroom and can't afford a 2 bedroom and keeping up with the house payments and bills... I said selling the house is not an option right now and I'm not loosing my shirt on this home... we've been here only little over a year. I said your going to have to accumlate all new stuff anyhow, crib, highchairs, toys eventually so just start now ... I said why get the apartment if you aren't going to be spending any time there... trust me with no TV or cable he doesn't plan on being at it very much.. He says he was trying to go cheep and stay close to the house.

thoughts??... He will stay at the house when I'm not here but on weekends he needs to take them over night at least... of course I hate this but I also know he'll never really feel the pain or uncomfortableness if he continues to just watch the kids here all the time...

Gosh I want to ask him... what do you think your doing with a 25yr old... but please he left his kids and wife without even trying to save the marriage for her so who am I kidding... he clearly sees a future with her or is willing to risk it all to find out.... UGGGHHHH!!

thoughts??

[hope3343]

Hi TxMom, So H is not having a great week. See how they try and manipulate the situation, Oh if I have to take the kids then I need a 2 Br so we have to sell the house (so H could have it easier???)
When my H told me he was moving, and I told him what he would owe a month he was floored. (since he never had to look at a bill). H said maybe we should sell the house. I told H -- this is what YOU want not me. I am not moving our D out of here till she gets out of school -- 3 more years and you are paying 1/2 of mortg/taxes/ins and child support. I am not disrupting her anymore than I have too. H agreed.
H also got an apt that I have to pass by every day. He is paying $1200 a month. H had delusions that when he moved D15 would come over for barbercues, swimming at pool with friends, and sleeping over. Well 2 weeks into this D wants NC with father and is very angry with him. I try and push her and a good friend who is family therapist said to respect her decision and validate her feelings. I agreed and D15 is doing much better. So now H is spending almost every night at OW's house (He can't live there since she works for him) and I am the one who has all the responsibilities of taking care and driving my D15 to all activities. At the beginning I worried this would bring H and OW closer but now I think that H is having all this pain about D15 and hopefully this will cause problems with OW. We have to gauge the final reaction not how we perceive it.

Originally I thought you should keep kids home but after reading the other posts I have to say I agree -- send the kids to his house. I am sure OW will want to see them - maybe H will have her come over to see them and then let the reality set in. Make sure you give both of the kids some prune juice about an hour before they leave! Let real reality set in -- lol

What do you want as the end result?? It might take more pain on our part but our target is to restore our marriage. We need to try different 180s and see what will happen.

Tell your H to look on Craig's list or garage sales for high chair or better yet -- let him cart all the items he needs from your house for now. Make it inconvenient. Wouldn't we all like to watch our kids for the day and just go home and have a life -- Tell your H that you and him are both doing your part for the kids and financially but you need some free nights also. Don't explain why. I know really it is tearing you up inside losing your babies for a night or two but keep your sight on the end result.
This is going to be a long haul.

[TxMomw/2girls]

well today he went and got his keys to his apt and said he'll take the girls there Friday night... he almost seems excited.. I wish I could see the guilt in his face... I don't anymore unless he lets us down like Saturday because he was hung over he seemed bothered but other than that he is trying to be more accountable so I think he actually doesn't feel guilt or doesnt show it..

I hope I'm strong this Friday night and Saturday - sleeping in our house without anyone hear will be weird and so very sad ... it will be very weird to wake up Saturday morning without my kids in our home... brings tears to my eyes ... don't know how I'm going to manage to play tennis .... It makes me sick to my stomach.... every hurdle is going to be hard.. I know this is the right thing and he needs to take them - for him - but I'm going to suffer.. I hate this!!!

I need to pray pray pray this week about this... I can hardly think about it..

[Little Engine]

Hang in Tx Mom! I wonder if I had filed and kicked my W out where I would be right now. It might've gotten all too real too quickly for my W. Instead she is home with the kids playing family with OM. Sometimes we have to do the opposite of what our instincts tell is to get the results we want in the end. Keep praying and if you are going to be weak on Friday and Saturday, make plans. Go get a movie or invite a friend over, get some carryout food. Don't look at it as "I am going to be without my girls, what will I do." Instead, "The girls are with their Dad and this is my time to enjoy a quiet house!" Can you make it more like a getaway in comfortable surroundings? Not a lot of time to comment. Just weighing in on your thread.

[blindsided1]

Listen to LE. You need to get your mindset off of what you don't have and on to what you do have....free time to do as you please. I miss my daughter every Sunday when she is with her Dad. But, I use this time to clean and read and take a bath and run around naked if I want to....Go to a movie, invite a friend over for dinner, make it fun. DO NOT sit around and do nothing. That will certainly make for a sad weekend.

Thinking of you

[Amy M]

TxMom!!! Hang in there. This is not your problem...how H deals with taking kids to his place. But, I did take the kids shopping before they stayed over the first time to buy toothbrushes, etc. That way they saw that I was okay with them going...that I wouldn't be sad without them. That made it easier for them I think.

The first one will be hard. But, I have to say, after that things willget easier. In fact, if you can do as LE suggested and see this as a vacation of sorts, you can really look forward to your time alone. I do...some of it anyway. But, not all of it!!!

The kids will be fine. It will be rougher on him than on them...that's for sure.

Make some plans...even if it's just grocery shopping. Don't stay at home alone. I can assure you that's not a good idea!!!

Hugs to you!
Amy

[TxMomw/2girls]

thanks LE, BS, and Amy....

Yeah right now I have plans to meet a friend for dinner... and you are all so right.. gosh focus on the positive!!! I never thought I was negative until thrown into this horrible sitch and I seem to dwell in my sadness somedays.... it is also b/c I will be traveling Tuesday night and Wednesday night for business so I'll be with them Thursday night and Friday day...

So I will be out just will be weird to come home to them not here and wake up with them not here... but I need to think positive thoughts ..... Amy I hope it gets easier as time moves on...

While reading tonight to my D she said out of the blue " I'm going to dream about Daddy coming home to live with us" took me off guard... I teared up and said let's say a prayer for him.

I decided to text him what she said in a nice way...

he text back and said "thanks for letting me know... makes me very sad... I will try to explain to her tomorrow.. You know I don't want them to ever feel I don't love them"

I said " she knows you love her but doesn't understand why you left... you didn't just leave me.. I just wish the girls had meant enough to you for you to "try" before you left us" ...

then I texted and said I'm not trying to make you feel worse... coming from the heart not anger.. Good night...

He text back said " Nice... I know... have a good night as well"

I felt he needs to hear what I hear every now and then and I hear it everyday...

more later... thanks again for support

[Tawnya]

{{{{Tx}}}}} Ugh..what a sitch you are in and it sounds like you are handling it wonderfully Come here and post as much as you need to this weekend while you are having your "alone time"..I hope you can find a way to have fun and think of your hub having to juggle what you do everyday (that should at least bring a smile to your face <grin>)

Tawnya