Luci in piecing!

[Luci]

Hey there. New to piecing! My original thread can be found HERE!

A few things before I start:

I was reluctant to continue posting on the forums because I know several people look down on those that are not officially married. I also know my sitch was thankfully a short one - lasting only about a month.

However, I'm here for the same reason everyone else is: because this almost-four-year-long relationship is unlike any relationship I've ever been in. I feel very strongly for this man and what we have together. If people are meant to find their "other half", I certainly have. No amount of effort is too much for me.

We were as committed in our four years as anyone with an M on a piece of paper. Nearly losing him shook up my life and my heart, and if I can use DBing techniques and advice, I aim to do that. This R is worth it.


I'll admit, I was horrible at DBing. BF and I are both very aggressive, outgoing personalities. For me to sit back and bite my tongue is not easy for me, and I back-slid horribly more than thrice twice once. Now that we're solidly trying to piece together our R, I find it incredibly hard to do a 180 and not show "more of the same" behavior.

For instance, his irresponsible money spending blows my mind. Before, I used to nag. I used to mother. Now, I'm trying to remind myself that so long as his half of the bills are paid, it's not really any of my business. He's a big boy and he's capable of making his own choices; even if I think they're poor ones.

I'm also having a hard time using my actions to encourage things - for instance...more help around the house. Before, we'd push each other's buttons and degenerate into some pretty unfair territory. Over housework, of all things. Now, I'm trying real hard to lead by example and watch my hard work spark an equal reaction in him. It WORKS! I just have to remember this and use actions instead of words.

I plan on using this new thread to get advice on how to handle situations in a completely different manner than I did before, so that I can figure out how to pick my battles and give BF more of what -he- needs to be happy (which means shutting my mouth and LISTENING), rather than bickering and arguing ourselves into losing each other.

When we're on the same page - man, we're a great team.

[Luci]

Had sort of a down day today.

I don't think I'm trusting him to speak up when something is not right.

When he decided to give our R another shot, I told him that I'd like to place one condition on it - that we go forward with a positive mindset and attitude. He readily agreed, so long as I was willing to work on the issues he'd just recently made me aware of (my whole deal was that I wasn't aware of some things and couldn't see giving up our R if I hadn't been given a chance to meet his needs!).

We both agreed and were excited to give "us" a chance.

That night, he quickly went into acting like nothing had ever been wrong, which made me sort of uneasy. I was willing to consider it "acting as if", but suggested to him to pace himself, because I didn't want to see him wear himself down by being TOO positive all the time.

Now that some time's gone by...I don't know. I'm concerned that it's not possible for anyone to become that "okay" in such a short amount of time, and that maybe he's just not speaking up again.

Maybe because that talk was the only R talk we've had since that night and I'm the kind of person that needs "check-ins"?

Yes, these are my own issues that I need to work through, but I don't know if I'm getting uncomfortable for no reason or what.

I need to take each day as it comes and reassure and validate him. Not think about the future and create scenarios in my head that may or may not exist.

[pearlharbr]

Hi Luci

I'm behind on everyone else from being out of town for Christmas. I'm so happy your BF decided he wants to work on your R! I think you're on the right track with your continued 180s and taking things one day at a time. I'm rooting for you!

[JDOllie]

Couple of things:

1. How awesome the way you handled the budget! As long as his side of the budget is met, then you're right! Maybe try picking some small item you both want, and ask him to start contributing to saving for it? Ease him into it? If you have nagged in the past, you probably have exacerbated the behavior.

2. I think it is good to talk - if you like to talk every day, and he's ok with once a month, try meeting in the middle - do bi-weekly or something. Honestly, to beat a dead horse, communication is KEY! But that doesn't just mean communicating about the R, it means sports, news, furniture, etc.

[Luci]

Couple of things:

1. How awesome the way you handled the budget! As long as his side of the budget is met, then you're right! Maybe try picking some small item you both want, and ask him to start contributing to saving for it? Ease him into it? If you have nagged in the past, you probably have exacerbated the behavior.

Well, he's got a significant amount of debt. He also lives paycheck to paycheck. He's one of those people that needs to have material objects and constantly "nickels and dimes" himself to death - he doesn't realize that $50 here and $25 there add up in a week.

So I watch him say, "Oh, I need to look into getting (insert frivolous item here)" and I panic every time.

This week it was a new car stereo. Which went to looking for two sub-woofer boxes to replace the single one that he insists sounds like poo with the new radio. And so on and so forth with the unnecessary $hit while he's got ZERO savings in the bank.

He only pays $10 a month more than his minimum payment on his 3 credit cards (almost 13K total in debt) and claims he's doing fine.


I used to defend myself nagging at him as saying that I wanted us to grow upward and onward as a couple, which meant bettering our financial situation. And I do want that, and I want to see HIM get into a more comfortable money place, too.

But what I was failing to realize is that nagging pushed him away. It made him feel mothered and it made me look like a control freak. At this point, he DOES NOT want to hear me talk to him about how he spends money.

So I will keep my mouth shut. If I have to clench my teeth and ask him with a smile if the color he picked out matches the interior of his car, so help me god I will not nag him about money.

I will do my own thing, look out for myself, not tangle myself in his financial mess, and be there to support him without "I told you so" if he should fall.

Because I LOVE him, and I can love him as he is, because ultimately this does not effect me until it ACTUALLY effects me.

He knows my stance and he knows I'm concerned and he knows he can come to me for encouragement or advice when HE'S ready to fix the situation.

Until then, it's HIS situation.

[Luci]

Checking in with you guys! Life has been really hectic with no time to post.

Things between BF and I are amazingly smooth this time around. We seem to be more willing to compromise than before, and really hear each other out.

Finally got an R talk out of him, since I felt more comfortable in recent days than I had before about asking questions for my own curiosity's sake. It's not going to be a popular response with some people on the boards, but I asked BF why he decided to try again and he told me it was because I had kept after him.

See, when I'd back-slide, I'd talk to him. I'm a talker, when I'm nervous or upset or especially passionate about something. He'd sit and patiently listen to me on those days I just couldn't bite my tongue, and assure me (when I apologized, horrified at myself) that he felt it was only fair to hear me out. I tried and tried again to QUIT THAT, because it was nothing less than chasing and I didn't want to drive him out the door.

HOWEVER, he said that some of the things I said when I was talking "at" him had resonated deeply with him when he thought about them later. It took me explaining my point of view (more than once, I'm so embarrassed) for them to "click" in his head, and match them up with how he felt about the situation.

It makes me feel guilty, because I know that chasing is a big DBing no-no, but I guess LUCKILY it wasn't as destructive as it could have been. I really dodged a bullet, there.

But, I can redeem myself by saying that BF admitted the other 180s I did (being up-beat, being more agreeable, GALing) helped him see that my intentions were sincere and not just because I was feeling like crap and wanted to hold on to him.

He told me that he sees that I care about him and love him. I reply that ANYONE could potentially LOVE him, what made him want to try again with ME?

"Because you love me with -passion-, your talks proved that", he said. It made me smile.


So....so far, so good. Still kind of working out how I can continue to be agreeable with things I dislike that don't directly and immediately effect me. I need to let go of that rope and let him be responsible for his own actions and consequences, instead of badgering.

But, like I said...so far so good.

[Luci]

Ugh, setbacks galore today. Was really just in a spot of general irritation, both of us.

I hate when he gets frustrated by a situation and leaves me feeling like not only am I in it by myself, but he's angry with -me-, too. For things I can't help.

Everything said today was miscommunicated and taken wrong, and we were snipping at each other all day long.

Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is a new day.

[Luci]

Bad day. VERY bad day.

SO is talking to his father for the first time in 30 years. His father and his step-mom are great people, and we're having a great time getting to know them. They want to start to take SD over nights, but BM is upset because she doesn't know them. Understandable. SO they plan on doing a dinner.


BM hates me. REALLY hates me, and I'm not sure why - I don't have much interaction with her. I was told that this dinner really had nothing to do with me, it was about his parents and BM getting to know each other, so I shouldn't be upset if I'm not invited.

And that I accepted.

UNTIL:

I find out today that it's a dinner where SO, his parents, BM, SD, SD's sister (BM's daughter from another marriage), BM's new boyfriend will be attending.

BUT STILL NOT ME.

I fail to see how BM's daughter and her boyfriend have ANYTHING to do with SO's parents getting to know BM. And when I point out that it makes me feel like poop because -yet again- I'm Public Enemy #1, he says he refuses to make a situation awkward for everyone, and why would I want to put myself across the table from someone that hates me?

Okay, I see his point. I'm not unreasonable, I get what he's saying.

But to me? It feels like I'm being left out of a family function because his EX dislikes me and no reason other than that. It makes me feel really worthless to him. Like HER feelings are more important than ME.

I am IN SO'S LIFE, as his partner now. You can't just exclude me from all the time because BM's got a problem with me.

You know, if he were to say, "Look, I understand that you're still upset with Luci. But out of respect to her being unable to be here, I'm going to ask we keep this between my parents, you and me"?

I'd have NO problems. NONE. Because that shows he respects me and he's understanding of the "Luci against the world" situation that was created.

TO make matters worse, I approached him with how I felt and he yelled at me. Told me that it "made no effin' sense" as to why I'd want to make a situation worse for everyone and why I wanted to be some place I wasn't going to be welcomed.

That really upset me, a lot.

[Luci]

Journaling:

So now I feel worse than before. We dropped the conversation for a while - he went back out to the store, came home and shaved...I had some lunch and played a few internet games. We were both kind of just doing our own thing to cool off, some.

The discussion came up again later. We talked about it for a bit and at one point he declared that he was done with the talking. He had made his choice, I wasn't going to this dinner, and that was it.

He claims the "discussion" should have been over with in 15 minutes after the first time it came up and he can't believe we spent "all day" arguing about it.

That bothers me. First because I don't want to be talked down to. Secondly, because sometimes it takes longer than 15 minutes to get to a place where both partners are comfortable with the choice made. I don't expect to get my way but I DO expect my partner is going to listen to me and give my feelings some respect.

And it -was not- "all day". It was probably an hour and a half, total, combined.

He went to work, and now I'm nervous that he's going to stew on this as usual and use it to keep score against me.

[Also, a side argument came up. So asked how I got the impression that he didn't care about my feelings. My example was when he told me they "didn't effin' make sense." He says he never said it that way, he doesn't use swears when we argue.

My eyes about popped out of my head. We're BOTH potty mouths in our regular speech. I can't count on both hands and toes how many F-bombs we've both dropped today in NORMAL conversation. It doesn't change when we're mad, though we are careful about not name calling.

But he doesn't STOP swearing when we're in an argument, he talks just like he normally does - only louder.

I said maybe he's so comfortable with the F word he didn't notice it, but he DID, indeed, say it just like that and that comment was an example of why I feel like my feelings aren't being respected.]





I don't know how to 180 this one. I'm obviously not okay with my feelings being irrelevant. I'm not okay with being excluded from the family.

So maybe I should just pretend it doesn't bother me? Which seems really unfair that I should have to.

[Luci]

Sharing some info a friend shared with me:

Communication is a two-way street. You can provide information, but without
understanding on the receiving end, you haven't communicated.

Here's an analogy: If you're shouting at a deaf person, and they don't
receive the information you're trying to convey, who is at fault? You are,
for failing to communicate in a way that is meaningful to your audience.

This applies in relationships, too, which is something I have had to learn
thoroughly and painfully; I can talk, but until my partner understands, I'm
not communicating effectively.

Obviously, in all of these situations, some responsibility belongs to the
receiving party, as well (assuming they asked for the information you're
trying to impart; you can't just go around screaming at people and getting
upset when they don't listen) -- they need to make reasonable
accommodations, like asking questions or notifying the originating party if
there's something they don't understand.