Just keep swimming...PH #6

[pearlharbr]

Welcome.

Last thread

Where we stand...I sent xBF an email saying I'm willing to talk. No response yet.

I find myself more anxious than I thought I would be. I think I just want to be moving forward, either toward SF or toward talking. I don't like the waiting.

[pearlharbr]

This is why snooping is bad:

I was checking in xBF's email accounts to see if there was any contact with OW. He's cleaned them out recently because just last week all the correspondence with her was there.

Anyway, ran across emails between xBF and his best friend S. This is where xBF said he doesn't know why I'm not talking to him anymore. Both of them were pretty negative towards me and it hurt my feelings. I know, I had it coming for snooping. But it does help deter me from just showing up at bowling tonight. If he really wants to work on us then he'll say so. If he's going to use the excuse of not liking the wording of my email then he really isn't ready to do the necessary work.

Going to make plans to be out this evening.

[JDOllie]

Good for you - to maybe help your mental status about the things that were said:

You've said some pretty negative things toward xBF on here as well - granted, he is the scumbag jerk that should get his privates torn off.... BUT, that being said!

Anyway, you know how I feel about the bowling - make him do the legwork to respond to your email. You are forcing him to choose between being a boy and a man, and we'll see what he chooses.

[pearlharbr]

It was hurtful because it wasn't true. Well, some of it isn't true.

xBF said, "I'm sure whatever she has been telling A [best friend's W] - it's all my fault - I think in her mind, every thing that has been wrong for the past 8 years is my fault for some reason. So, even before when we were talking, it was hard to get anything resolved."

Not true. I have told him every time we talked since the first bomb was dropped that I see what I've done wrong. Took him for granted, didn't want to address differences in libido, didn't look for a job, didn't communicate openly about my feelings, didn't push him to talk when I knew he needed it, etc. I admitted that our problems were at least 60% my fault and I was working on it and am willing to continue working on it. I guess he just doesn't hear that.

In light of this I sent an email to A telling her that I've reconsidered and will not be going to MSP for goddaughter's birthday. I need to keep them out of this until everything is finished. She replied that she thinks there was some misunderstanding between her, her H and me over what her H said to xBF about his A. Also said she doesn't feel like she's been a good friend to me by staying out of it, should have confronted xBF directly. But when I was there a few weeks ago I appeared to be hurt but healing and ready to move on so there was no more reason to ask xBF why.

So anyway...

Just got response from xBF:

Let me know when.

Wow, I can feel the enthusiasm. Not.

Now I'm really dreading this. Problem is that my out of town friend is coming to stay this weekend. Does it have to be at the house? Should we go to a neutral location?

[gucci loafer]

xBF said, "I'm sure whatever she has been telling A [best friend's W] - it's all my fault - I think in her mind, every thing that has been wrong for the past 8 years is my fault for some reason. So, even before when we were talking, it was hard to get anything resolved."

No biggie. This is talk between best friends. It shows he is trying to figure out what is going on with you. I see much more critical talk on this site everyday by those who profess to want their spouse back. Just flip a coin and take 5 threads and see how often the BS is talking negative about the WS. It is typical.
I wouldn't put one ounce of worry about two men who are best friends talking like this.

Now I'm really dreading this. Problem is that my out of town friend is coming to stay this weekend. Does it have to be at the house? Should we go to a neutral location?

Neutral location is fine. Slow down. Remember, we are letting him believe that you are taking things slow. I would be slow in responding to his message and then pick a day NEXT week.

SLOW DOWN... Take back your control and attitude that got you to this place.

Please stop snooping. Snooping is a good idea when you are trying to find out why your lover is acting different during the first stages of a breakup. However, YOU are the one who took control and said "no more, I won't share".... Your attitude should be that you don't snoop because you have "set him free"...
You SHOULD NOT TRUST HIM. He is the one that needs to prove to you how he can earn it back. THAT is why you don't need to snoop. You already know you don't trust him (and that is GOOD)
When you have your face to face,it is indeed a good idea to tell him that you are not sure you can gain YOUR trust back in him because of his previous lying...... You need to let him continue to believe that it is YOU who isn't sure what they want. (and I do believe that is a true statement according to your posts) You are only meeting to talk. Nothing more. Don't forge ahead. Stay in the now. Stay in the present.

Get back your attitude. Everything is going to be fine.

[pearlharbr]

Thanks gucci. I needed to be talked down off the ledge. Take things slow, I'm still not sure I want to take things at all so slow is good. And no more snooping, I promise. I think I've gotten it out of my system. I don't trust him and at this point I can't think of anything that would convince me to, so why bother?

Back to planning my fab new life in SF. It's something I enjoy thinking about and helps me feel like I'm moving forward. And off to buy a fab new pair of jeans!

[Tawnya]

{{{Pearl}}} So did you go buy your jeans??

So..any thoughts on a moving time for SF??

Tawnya

[Amy M]

(((((Pearl)))))

You go, girl!!!

Amy

[pearlharbr]

Of course I bought the jeans....and a skirt, top and sweater. I know, I need to stop! But they all looked fantastic on me.

Well, I wasn't sure I wanted to post what happened last night but decided I need to be honest with people here who may be following my sitch. Everyone backslides, falls down, makes mistakes, and here's mine:

I couldn't control myself and ended up going to the bowling alley last night. My new jeans fit like a glove and I was having a great hair day (ladies, you understand this, right?) so I decided to make an appearance. As expected, when I walked in the OW was standing less than a foot away from xBF. I stood behind her and waited for him to notice me. When he did he smiled and said hi. I calmly told him that this certainly didn't look like "not hanging out in any capacity." He responded, But we're bowling. I said I didn't care and walked out. He didn't call out to me, come after me, call me, nothing.

Needless to say I was disappointed in his behavior yet again. After I got home and had a glass of wine, I rehashed everything with a couple friends. The guy said he understood why xBF wouldn't consider that lying, the girls totally agreed with me that bowling, drinking beer, and chatting are so NOT "not hanging out in any capacity." Sheesh! Men just do not get it.

So I decided that I would call xBF to get it over with once and for all. I left a vm and he called back about a half hour later. I laid it all out for him:

• Walking in and seeing him with OW proved to me that I cannot believe anything he says.
• ZERO contact with her is a prerequisite for any further conversations between us, this means he needs to choose bowling or me.
• He has done absolutely nothing to back up his words.
• His writing an email and letter equal about 5% effort, yet he is expecting me to meet him halfway. Not going to happen.
• I need to feel like I am worth fighting for and he is failing miserably at this.
• He seems to be waiting for a guarantee from me that we will work on things before he takes any action. It doesn't work that way.
• He hasn't shown any emotion or interest in his correspondence since the letter. It's not really inspiring me to want to talk to him.
• I am the type of person who wants and appreciates gestures large and small. He should know this about me after 8.5 years. If he doesn't, that says a lot about our R.
• HE is the one who cheated, HE is the one who left, HE is the one who said we have nothing in common and it will never work. I thought about it, agreed with him and moved on with my life. Now HE is the one who changed his mind. Therefore HE needs to convince me and win me back. And chances of that happening are slim to none.

His thoughts:

• He wasn't lying about not hanging out with OW because bowling doesn't count. (In what twisted world???)
• He hasn't done anything because he was trying to respect my boundaries.
• He didn't think I wanted him in my life anymore (I don't think I do)
• He isn't expecting a guarantee, just wants to talk. (Like I did a few months ago and he refused.)
• He does know I want gestures like flowers. But I have other people sending me flowers now so I don't want them from him. (Hah, so he did notice the flowers! And he does think I'm seeing other people.)
• He knows he's the one who made the mistake and was in the wrong.

At this point I was emotional and frustrated so I said I needed to end the call. Will we continue this convo? I haven't decided yet. He is available whenever. Ok, next Wed night. Oh, he'll be out of town on Wed. Grr. More frustration. Then he got a little snotty, do I expect him to cancel his business trip? No, how about just being up front about his schedule and availability? Oh. Ok. He'll be out of town Mon-Thurs. I paused. Well, then it will have to wait until the following week. (There is no way I am giving him any time on the weekend!) Then I said good night and hung up.

So there you have it fellow DBers. Not following the good advice given here but sometimes it happens. I am now going to set it aside for at least the next week, maybe longer. I need some time to cool down and he needs to figure out if he's willing and ready to do what is necessary.

[Tawnya]

{{{Pearl}}} Again..all the more reason you and Amy can never go shopping together without me holding your credit cards LOLOL

Pearl..I'm glad you went to the bowling alley personally because it actually turned out how you thought it would (for good or for bad) and you got it all out in the open with xbf..

Also..as far as not following the good advice, I'm totally use to that..Amy never listens to me (love ya Amy LOLOL)!! Hey..I don't listen either most of the time..LOL..no wonder we all get along

Tawnya