Swimming upstream...PH #7

[pearlharbr]

Hi all and thanks to Amy for the tip off to being locked...

Last thread - PH #6

So here's where I currently stand:

After giving it lots of thought I have decided to attempt a reconciliation with xBF. This will be dependent on a lot of factors, including whether or not he quit the bowling league with OW and has zero contact with her.

To that end, if anyone has ideas, suggestions or examples of a transparency plan, please let me know. I feel like I need to have something in writing so we are both clear on the expectations and consequences.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Pearl,

Google the words "no contact" "transparency" "infidelity" and you'll find lots of great resources. At a MINIMUM, I would think your plan would need to include him sending her a no-contact letter (content approved by you, and letter SENT/delivered by you), and quitting the bowling league. Maybe there's another league that the two of you can join together, if that's something he enjoys doing?

Transparency is all about the betrayed spouse, and what YOU need in order to feel safe in the damaged relationship. It does NOT need to be permanent (there will come a time when he doesn't need to do these things for you), but it DOES need to be as "bullet-proof" as possible.

I'm glad you're giving this another chance. Based on the "new Pearl," I do think you have a good chance of success, IF (and this is a big "if") your guy is willing to do the hard work necessary.

I would also suggest that you throw in one thing that YOU are willing to do, and I would make that one thing be a job. That seems to have been his #1 issue with you before, and I do think it's reasonable. It would help you to show some give-and-take.

Puppy

[pearlharbr]

Thanks Puppy

I will do that search and see what I come up with. I agree that my not having a job has been a major issue with us. I am willing to put that in an agreement somewhere, but the issue I have is whether or not to continue looking for a job in SF or only look for work here in CO. I want to give this my all if I'm going to do it, but I am also realistic and don't want to have to start the whole process over again if things don't work with xBF.

[pearlharbr]

Kenn, thanks for your thoughtful post. Thought I should move it back here for my response.

I may get beat up here but I am a firm believer that when someone strays (only once that is) it is a reflection on ourself as much as on them and we need to realize that we weren't giving something.

I know that I contributed greatly to the situation, but I have a hard time thinking that a 4-5 month affair, including a month of living together, as a one time thing.

Are you at a point that you think you have a good idea where you can improve the relationship? Are you convinced that he has a good idea what he needs to do to improve the realtionship? Are you both committed to putting in the effort to make it work?

I know what I need to do to improve myself and the R. I have been working on myself, although I'm not done yet. I think xBF has some idea of what he needs to do but I don't think he has identified everything he did to contribute to the problems. The big stuff (lack of communication), yes, but the little stuff that adds up, no.

Make a list of all the great qualities this person offers and all the bad qualities he offers. Then make the same list for the next person you are going to date. Then put down the odds you think this person will do it to you again. How remorseful is he that he did this and hurt you? Then put down the odds that that future person will stray on you (that's estimated to be 60% of guys do it)

What you should end up with if you are even considering this is one person that has lots of qualities that you love and confident he will not do it again because you have corrected the problems and he is better suited to tell you there is a problme before it reaches an affair AND another fictional person that is a complete crap shoot who has a 60% chance of an affair because they haven't gone through the leaning curve. (this one may be better or may be worse).

This is a great idea. I will sit down and give this exercise some time and consideration. I don't know if I can be objective about it at this point. I don't know if xBF will cheat again and this is my big hangup. Right now I feel like I would have a better chance starting over fresh with someone new because I don't automatically assume that person will cheat

You are young! If you gave it a year to see if the work can be done to make your realtionship better and be back with the person you choose the first time isn't it worth the shot? I say year because I would think that is about the time it takes to put everything behind you and get to a great realtionship. Of course you'll know before if you are on the right track or if things aren't getting any better

Wow, a year sounds like a really long time! I have said before I have a serious lack of patience. I'll have to take things one day at a time, but I don't see myself slogging through this for more than 4-6 months if I don't see serious progress.

If you feel secure he won't hurt you again and his good qualities outweigh the bad. I support you trying, just know that it will be your turn to say no thanks if it isn't working.

And that's exactly my sticking point. I don't feel at all secure that he won't hurt me again. And right now I can't see his good qualities outweighing the bad. The only thing I see working for us is the shared history. Is that enough? I'm not sure.

[Sam1007]

I had never heard of a transparancy plan, but it does sound like a good idea to put down on paper the things you both agree on as sort of a contract. Let us know what you end up with!

[Tawnya]

{{{{Pearl}}}} We are here for you my solidarity sister!!

So..have you told xbf about your thoughts?

Tawnya

[pearlharbr]

Well, here's the latest:

During the financial settlement discussion we talked about me signing over my share in the rental house business. I was against it as it is one of two things my name is actually on (the business and our house) and I think of it as part of the whole settlement agreement. xBF explained that he would benefit by being able to take the loss where I get nothing from it and would also have to file a tax return (don't have to now since I didn't work at all in 2008).

After thinking about it for a day and tentatively agreeing on a settlement, I emailed yesterday that I would sign over my share of the business if it would help him.

I got this email from xBF this morning:
Thanks – can I stop by tonight?

So I realize this is his attempt to show me that he quit the bowling league. On the other hand, I already have plans to go to yoga tonight. So I think I will tell him I already have plans. I am free on Sunday. We'll see how that goes over.

[2gthrButApart]

Hello, New here, but have been following along...

Do you think that you can let him know you had plans for yoga, but that you can ditch them just this once? So that he can see you're willing to give him the attention the OW was giving him? Do you think if you let him down, that he may in fact go to the bowling alley to get the attention he's needing?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hello, New here, but have been following along...

Do you think that you can let him know you had plans for yoga, but that you can ditch them just this once? So that he can see you're willing to give him the attention the OW was giving him? Do you think if you let him down, that he may in fact go to the bowling alley to get the attention he's needing?

TOOK THE WORDS RIGHT OUTTA MY MOUTH . . .

[pearlharbr]

Valid point 2gether and Puppy, but I'm just not willing to go that far. If that's what he needs, then so be it. I do not want to start out with me giving something up for him. As far as I'm concerned, he is still the one who has to prove he is ready for the work. If he is going to be derailed so quickly and easily then it's better to know now. I need to feel like he is willing to do whatever it takes to earn back my trust before I lavish my time and attention on him.

He has already responded to my message with: Ok – any particular time on Sunday?

I said I was free all day. The ball is in his court.

And I will be talking to his coworker(s) tomorrow to find out if he went to bowling tonight.