Its half five in the morning here and I have just woken up; I am so distressed. I dont really know why I am being hit so hard now. Maybe its that I am losing all hope that he will ever want the M again. We spoke on the phone yesterday about the forthcoming week and access with our D. I wish I was more nonchalant but I hurt so much. He is so detached, so removed, so without love and care. I mentioned that I would like to go away next weekend for the bank holiday and he was fine with minding D. No questions though, was not curious to find out where, with who etc (I am going to a retreat at a buddhist centre.)I want to try and be more detached, I have better days than others. We have our court hearing next Thursday for the Safety Order. I am so upset; I find I dont know myself with all of this; I am not the sort of person that functions in this way. I am trying hard to GAL and not think about OW but it is becoming more clear the nature and seriousness of their relationship. And I am so far away from him, at his insistence.
I am losing hope here, please, I want to be strong but Ijust simply do not understand how after ten years you can blank someone and their life from your existence. There is no mention of me as a person, I am only someone to be tolerated because of our daughter. My health, my ability to cope financially, my career, my hopes and dreams; there is not one drop of interest about anything.
Please, help me I really need some support. I am struggling now. Please respond if you can. I would greatly appreciate it
I haven't needed it for a while now but when I used to get caught up in negative thoughts, panic, anxiety etc I would sing 'Zip ee di Doo dah'. You can't think two things at the same time and by singing it can distract you. Might sound a bit trite but when you are swirling down and can't get out, I'll try anything.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
Thanks purple, wish I was stronger today. Have better days than this....... how did you find out about the other woman? How did you deal with it? tell me more about your sitch....... I am trying 180's and going dark but none of this seems to make any difference. He has said his love for me is dead and it will never come back. should we believe everything that is said and done by our WAW or not. He is certainly behaving as if there is nothing there. Thanks so much for your support, thank you
Just a quick question......... How do you go dark when there are children involved? I feel that I want to stay away from my H at the moment to protect myself but I have to see him when issues with our D come up and when he sees her for access. I guess its the hurt but I feel as if I want to be as far away from him as possible today. I dont want to be hurt anymore by his man. I trusted him and had hopes and dreams that now seem non-existent and i want to be able to focus on myself and D without the continual distraction of him. I am feeling it today, sorry guys, but the hurt is full on for some reason. Maybe have been bottling it up
Can you set up a parenting plan with him as to when he sees her or spends time with her?
Can you have a neutral place to drop her off?
Or, can you drop her off and pick her up from his parents place? That way you don't have to see him. a 180 (I suspect) would be to avoid seeing him. He may be relieved to start with (or suspicious that you don't want to see him) - just tell him it's easier this way and don't elaborate. After a while you may be able to detach because you haven't seen him or been dealt with 'drama' from him.
The clearer things are wrt spending time with your D, the easier it will be to detach, GAL and heal yourself. Look after yourself. When he has time with D, parenting is his responsibility. You wont' be able to control what he does during that time so unless your D is in physical danger, you're going to have to just suck it up and let him be a father in his own way.
I too, have a 7 year old daughter.
Have been separated for over two years. I am currently buying him out of the house. He doesn't seem to want to divorce, but yet he still wants his separate life.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
My h had an EA which turned into a one time PA (Sep 06). He confessed the PA (Nov 06) but lied about who it was with. He said it was someone I didn't know. On 12 Feb 07, he revealed that it was actually a fairly good friend of ours who would babysit our daughter regularly and whom I had confided in. That was bomb #1 and #2. We separated between Bomb #1 and Bomb #2 (29 Jan 07). You can understand I'm sure why I was extremely upset and mistrustful and angry with him about that.
Heaps more drama in the 12-15 months after that but I don't want to go into it now. Stirs up bad memories.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
Hi, I would suggest going dark by limiting your contact to only what concerns your D.
When these things are going on they seem to follow a script of lines and behaviors. I mean we have an acronym for the I Love You, But am Not In Love With You, ILYBNILWY. I never loved you at all is common, I dont know why, but they all say and do the same junk. Luckily, the A's also follow a pattern. They almost ALWAYS fail, you cant build a relationship in dirty soil and expect it to thrive. Unfortunately, we, as the LBS also follow a pattern, begging, crying, screaming, trying to prove how we were happy etc. That pattern doesnt work.
You need to make yourself less desperate feeling, going dark will help that, not having the contact with him will help you have more good days and it will make him curious about what you have been up to, I know that he professes to not care at all about you anymore, but that is also a line from the script of the walkaway H. He really doesnt care about the mother of his D? Or care about you as a person? What a cruel thing to say, along with being cruel it is almost totally unbelievable. Thats just ridiculous. He's just trying to be an @$$, and doing it pretty well too.
Have you thought about trying to get some medicine to help you through this, I know a lot of people, myself included, found it to be extremely helpful. I dont use them anymore, but I really think that this is a place where they can be properly used.
Right now you need to be focusing on you and your D, I know that you have already been told that, but its sooo true, especially right now. It will not only help you heal, but will make you better positioned as an attractive person when his A ends.
Remember, almost 80% of marriages survive infidelity. Give some thought to what I said about the anti-depressant, anti-anxiety meds will you? You dont have to feel like this.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
boy - our lives are in complete paralell. i guess what bothers me is when there are little signs - lkely false of course - of hope of reoonciling - my W sent me some pics of herself kiteboarding yest - i had sent her some of our D at a birthday party - why would she send me pix of herself?.......
just had a chat with H on the phone; his first wife's partner has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. seems it is quite advanced. very upsetting considering i have known him for a while. i am struggling with our court hearing about the safety order on Thursday, there is something that tells me this is wrong........I am feeling for all of us. my H is traumatized by this and wants me to reconsider the hearing.he is resolute though about moving forward and resolving things but he wants to do it in a amicable way, preferably via mediation and not court, financially and otherwise. I feel that my heart is so unprotected where he is concerned, he reiterated that he is very 'cogent and clear about the narrative of his decision". the best hope of reconciliation is friendship and goodwill? Yet how do we get in that space, when he is in a relationship with OW. Am i being presented with a chance to show unconditional love or am I just being sucked into grievous hurt by a man that is indifferent. there seems to be no anger or hurt, just a will to be amicable. Indifference???? opposite to love.......... I am at a loss to know how to proceed. My friends are strongly advising me to go down a tough legal route for the protection of myself and my daughter. If love is dead can it be revived through prayer and patience and hope. And hard self reflection?
