The house is quiet. D9 and D6 are gone camping for the weekend with my sister and won't be home until Sunday. S3 is with DH at his parents' house and DH will bring S3 home tomorrow evening, since DH has duty on Sunday. D17 and friend are drifting in and out, but are more than content to leave me to myself.
So, what have I done with my solitude? I went to bed earlier than usual last night. I slept until after 10, then finished a book I wanted to read for a long time. The overwhelming theme of the book was that through sacrifice and love, we can find our greatest dream. I cried through the last couple of chapters. It was cleansing and encouraged me to open my Bible and read something that was suggested to me a few days ago. While I knew the jist of the chapter, I had never read the whole thing. It was Ezekiel 37, where God tells Ezekiel to prophesy to a field of dead bones and to bring them back to life. My Bible has commentary in it and it talks about Our Living God being able to bring anything back to life. The commentary, near the ens, specifically mentioned bringing back dead marriages.
I felt an overwhelming need to get out of the house today, to try to clear my mind and let some things go. My sister and I swapped cars for the weekend, so instead of my Durango, I had the joy of driving her T-Top Comaro instead. I hit the road and drove around for the better part of four hours. It was a drive to let go off the past. I drove out to the house that DH bought when we were first married. I drove out to the park we took the older girls to all the time when they were little, and I drove past the little town where we spent many happy, special weekends together. I drove to the cemetery my grandparents were interred at last spring--the first time I have been there since the interment. I talked to my grandfather (I miss him horribly) for a long time and also had a long talk with God. At each, I cried and let go some more of the past. As I was driving away from our old home, I heard the song posted above. And so I continue to climb, out of the past and moving on and forward. I will post more about the past few weeks later.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
This is one of my favorite songs right now. I bet that drive was probably so very healing for you. I applaud you on your climb.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
So, I have not posted since D6's grad from kindergarten. Things are essentially SSDD (same stuff, different day) around here.
My favorite cousin was married on the 19th. D17 and I were both in the wedding party and we drove up early the morning of the 18th. DH had duty in the 18th, could not get leave, and would not have made it in time for the ceremony on Saturday, so he did not drive up. He spent the weekend at my inlaws--no out of state visitors, Thank Goodness!
My cousin was absolutely beautiful and her new husband is wonderful! Their wedding was sweet and perfect for them--she walked down the aisle to Here Comes My Girl by Tom Petty! I even got over my aversion to the ugly dress she made me wear! I danced all night and had a blast at the reception.
I did not call DH at all while we were gone and of course did not hear from him. I did finally call him Sunday night, after we got home and i got the kids settled in bed. I let him know we were back, wished him a happy father's Day, and told him he was missed by the family. He quickly stated "but I told cousin I could not make it." I said "I know you did and they understood, but that does not mean you were not missed." He asked me some questions about the wedding and I talked for a few minutes, then told him I needed to go, as I was tired and wanted to get some sleep, that we would see him the next day.
The week went the same as always, he had duty Saturday, then took the kids to the beach on Sunday. D9 asked him twice if I could go, but he acted like he did not hear her. He did ask me what time they should be "home" for dinner.
Monday, he mowed the yard and after dinner, I suggested taking the kids for ice cream. We all went together in his car and the small talk surprised him a bit. I started going back to the gym this week and have been going early in the morning. I walk to the gym and back, working out for about an hour and a half when I get there. I mentioned some wild blackberry bushes that I passe on my walk and he was really surprised that I was walking to the gym.
This week, he has been getting here later and is exhausted. Apparently, he is getting off the ship later than usual in the afternoon. He has also not been taking the time to eat during the day. Tuesday, he was looking for something to eat when he got here, I told him to grab something to eat-that dinner would be later than usual due to a new recipe, so he made himself something to eat and then said he should not be eating "all your food." I let it go. He came and sat by me on the sofa and told me some stiff about work, about re-enrolling for college, etc. He went out to play with the kids, then came in and sat down in the family room. Within 5 minutes, he was asleep. I left him sleeping and on one trip through the room, I covered him up with a blanket.
When I woke him up to eat, he said it was nice of the kids to put a blanket on him, D9 told him I did it. He asked why, I said cause you looked cold, and I headed back upstairs to finish getting dinner on the table. He looked reflective as he folded the blanket and put it back on the quilt rack. The new recipe was a huge success--everyone cleaned their plates, there were few leftovers, and DH complimented me several times on it.
Thurday, the older girls had counseling and originally, D17 was going to ask him into her session, onbeknownst to him. She decided she was not ready at the last minute. However, she did ask me to join her after a few minutes in her session. When I first walked in, her C told me tht D17 has said that her dad was coming home. C wanted to know if there was movement in that direction. I said none that I had seem but that the girls believe that God is capable of anything. The C said that is good, bit we should not build false hope. I told her I agreed and tht I was prepared for either eventuality, but that if Jesus could raise Lazarus from the dead and God bring a field of dead bones back to life, my marriage would be a drop in the bucket at the right time. D17 said that she can see her dad still loves me and that she sees him looking at me differently now--with more life in his eyes. I have not noticed, but we will see.
I then joined D9 and DH in her counseling session--it started during D17's session. They had apparently been talking about thing that we do in an instant that affect people forever--based in a book that D9 is reading. Hr C had asked DH to join them and tell about things that D9 has done that positively affected someone else. He recounted a story from when she was 3 and she hugged a store worker while out shopping with MIL. D9 told the woman she looked like she needed a hug. It is one of my favorite stories bout her. We talked about some other things that she has done over the years, then DH said that D9 has something about her that lifts his heart and makes him want to be with her everyday. How strange from a man that wants a D and will not see her everyday! I did not say it and neither did C, but she broached it to me after when D9 and DH were both out of earshot. C said she may follow up on that in greater detail at a later, but not too later, date.
After, we drove D9 to my sister's to meet up to go camping. I let my sis borrow my car and we drove her car back to my house. DH gathered up S3's stuff and shortly after headed to his parents'. When they were leaving, I asked what time they would be back. DH said around 8, but would call when they were leaving. I told him to leave a message, as i would not be home and would be checking them to make sure I was back in time. He looked surprised that I would not be here. He called me last night to let me know they were in okay and so I could talk to S3 and said again he would call when they were heading back.
More in a minute
Living Gid's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I am going out of town in two weeks and the kids are not going. Then, at the last minute, I mention an invite with a friend, but that having S3 would make it difficult to go, so DH offers to watch S3 before I can ask him. I DO have plans and have spent time with friends, but not out of town. Honestly, I did it to see if he would offer or decline. With it being a holiday weekend, I thought for sure that SHEWHOSHOULDNOTBENAMED would be coming to town again and I wanted to see what his response would be about having S3. I guess no visitor.
To add to this, DH ran D17 to my mom's the other day and I called her to see if there had been any calls while I was out earlier in the day. Unknown to me, I was on speaker phone and DH herd the whole convo. D17 said that a male DB friend had called (mentioned by his name). I said, in an upbeat voice, Oh cool! Is there a message, do I need to call him back? S17 said no, that he said he would call later. She then told me, later in the evening, that DH was very quiet the rest of the time in the car and even missed a few questions S3 asked him--DH had to ask S3 to repeat them.
So, I put mileage on the car and am planning on being out of the house about the time DH is supposed to get here, but pull up shortly after. I am considering having an overnight bag in the car, too, and if asked I will be vague about where I was. I also made an ATM withdrawal from our joint account while I was out driving today--in a city about an hour and a half away from home.
I am not seeing anyone, do not have any desire to, and can easily explain where I was and who I was with if I am ever asked. But right now, I do not feel he needs to know all my plans.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
This is one of my favorite songs right now. I bet that drive was probably so very healing for you. I applaud you on your climb.
GTFM--
The drive WAS healing and cleansing. Thank you for the aplause, but know that I could not have made it even this far if it were not for the Lord's work in me. In Him I have grown so much over the past year. I can do all thigs through Christ, who strengthens me.
Living God's blessings iwth grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Baby what are we becoming It feels just like we’re always running Rolling through the motions everyday I can lean in to hold you, or act like I don’t even know you Seems like you could care less either way What happened to that girl I used to know I just want us back to the way we were before
Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you baby Does the sight of me wanting you drive you crazy Do I have your love, am I’m still enough Tell me don’t I, or tell me do I baby Give you everything that that you ever wanted Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely Do I just need to give up and get on with my life Baby, do I
Remember when we didn’t have nothing But a perfect simple kind of loving Baby those sure were the days There was a time our love ran wild and free Now I’m second guessing everything thing I see
Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you baby Does the sight of me wanting you drive you crazy Do I have your love, am I’m still enough Tell me don’t I, or tell me do I baby Give you everything that that you ever wanted Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely Do I just need to give up and get on with my life Baby, do I
Still give you what you need Still take your breath away Light up the spark like I did, baby do I
Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you baby Does the sight of me wanting you drive you crazy Do I have your love, am I’m still enough Tell me don’t I, or tell me do I baby Give you everything that that you ever wanted Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely Do I just need to give up and get on with my life
Tell me baby do I get one more try Do I, baby do I
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I danced all night and had a blast at the reception.