Well, my thread locked... But, I'm finally posting an update as I try to digest the weekend's happenings...
Where to start? Don't even know... I guess with this... Thanks to all who checked in with me in the alt.
It was brutal, and still seems surreal...
I am still astonished, though I shouldn't be, at just how selfish W is being...
In any event...
Friday morning, after our D11 put her homemade scones in the oven to cook, W said "we" need to have a family meeting...
We proceeded to sit down both of us sitting on the coffee table, the three of them on the sofa across from us...
W tried to grab my hand, which I pulled away as I firmly, but politely reminded her (again) that this was not a "we" meeting.
No sooner than W opened her mouth did our youngest (S9) start to say "No, no, no..."... The look of horror and grief on his face will be forever etched in my mind. D11 held pillow over her face. S14, who is bi-polar, looked as though what was being said didn't even register, but when it did... Whoa... He went absolutely nuts in a way I've never seen him do. His emotion was pure anger, but through his anger, more on this later, he was, IMO, "spot on" in his assessment of the situation.
S14 was over-the-top vulgar in his response (using every bad word in a 14 year-old's vocabulary) and began trying to destroy the house, but more precisely, anything belonging to W. D11 was disturbingly calm (still so), but when the noise from S14 subsided enough she said she "knew" since November (when it turns out she saw W buy a book on Amazon about helping kids cope with divorce). So, she's been processing all alone since then and protecting her brothers by not telling them. That, to me, is amazingly sad, yet noble. I am so sorry she's had to carry this knowledge with her... just waiting for the other shoe to drop... yet proud that she wanted to protect her brothers. They are lucky guys, yet S14 has treated her like $hit since because he's angry that she offered to help W move into basement guest room and decorate. S14 has also been very angry with S9 because S9 is the "human scoreboard"; he's always been an equal opportunity hugger... He, S9, has been by far the most mature of any of the 5 of us in dealing with this [As an aside, he told me last night as I was tucking him in: "Daddy, I think I knew in my heart, but not in my mind." Out of the mouths of babes...]
S14 was out-of-control angry. He smashed holes in a wall, destroyed W's cell phone and did other damage. He called W a selfish-bit*h and, later in the afternoon, wrote W the most scathing hate letter I could ever imagine. He is hurting in ways that are probably incomprehensible to those of us who aren't bi-polar and who haven't had to live through such an experience.
This weekend was a blur of calm and storm... I can't even remember what all happened in what order but some of the snippets paint the picture of the past 72 hours are just so surreal, flat out wrong, and, simply, not the way a child's life should be...
Scene 1: S14 Angry at W about her talking about vacations... S14 firmly says "Who are you kidding, we're not a family anymore. You are so delusional." W's snarky response? "Did Daddy tell you to say that?" S14: "You don’t think I have a mind of my own? W: It just sounds like something Daddy would think. Now, granted, I sure do think it, but S14 and I have never discussed it... Ever.
Scene 2: I go on a bike ride with S9 who is very upset about everything but firm in his conviction that the D will not happen. [Whereas S14 is angry (leaving very little room for other emotions to be expressed), D11 seems to have already "accepted" D as fait accompli or is repressing in the mold of both of her parents' FOO issues, S9 is somewhat in denial, but also resolute that the D won't happen... "Daddy, can't you just not agree to it?".] In any event, as we're riding along, he says to me: "Mommy is being very selfish; she only cares about how she feels, not how the rest of us feel. That isn't fair. Why can't she see that?" I try to tell him that it's not that simple and that she feels she has no choice, that she is too unhappy in our marriage to stay in it... and he says: "How does she know she will be happier without our family than with our family?"... My response... "I don't know, but it's a decision she feels she has to make."... "Daddy, you're the one who is here for us now; Mommy is too busy."
Scene 3: At some point, and I didn't even hear this part of S14's rant, W expresses her indignance (in car with all 5 of us going to a Rib Fest) that I didn't defend her when S14 said the D was all her fault. "You know this D isn't all because of me." I, falling for the trap, say: "I never said it was and I didn't even hear him say that. So, you’re angry because I didn’t come to your defense about something I didn't even hear?" S14 says: "I didn't say it was your (W's) fault, I said 'choosing to get a divorce' is your fault and it's selfish." W: "That sounds like something Daddy would say."
Scene 4: W in tears after reading S14's vitriolic hate letter that starts with "F*ck you" and only gets uglier after that. But behind the raw, ugly packaging are glimpses into his pain. "You've destroyed what was a loving family. For what? For your own happiness? You haven't thought this through... This isn't going to make you happy, but in the meanwhile it's destroyed my life. My mom has died. I don't know who you are. You are selfish. I would rather stab you than hug you now. Stop trying to make it sound like nothing will be different. Everything is different. Nothing will ever be the same. You've destroyed all of my memories. I will never love you again. As far as I'm concerned, my mother doesn't exist anymore."
Scene 5: S14 livid with S9 and D11 because they are trying to comfort W who is heart-broken by his letter. He does not see that his own angry words have made her a sympathetic figure to them. I read his words and I cringe, but W, rather than letting him feel what he feels, somehow makes this about her and not about them. I'm not saying they were crocodile tears, because his words were awful, but somehow, when it is they who should be being comforted, W is the one getting the comforting and S14 being made to feel guilty as she tells him how selfless she was over the years when I was "too busy" to care.
Scene 6: W gives each child a handwritten "journal" with stories of them as babies and how their names were chosen and the other names we were considering for each of them. It has inspirational messages to them. It’s a beautiful gesture, but why this day of all days? S14 sees right through it and after reading 2 pages throws it to the floor and tells W that it's nothing but an "attempt to make her feel better about her selfish choice". He's relentless, but in a very ugly way.
There's more... but, that's just a glimpse into this crazy sitch... Try as I did to not get sucked in, I cannot say I stayed above the fray at all times, but, d*mn if she didn’t make it all about her... Oh, wait, that's part of the definition, isn't it? I'm angry and tired...
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
alex, all i can say is wow. detach completely from your W right now if you haven't all the way and be there for your kids. console them, they need you more then you could imagine.
be very careful what you say to them, just talk to them about you and your R with them and how that will not change. don't stick up for your W, i have a feeling you won't have a problem with that, but don't attack her either. it's you and them.
you need to take the kids and go do something with them tomorrow. sit them down and let them know that the four of you are still a family and need to stick together through this. Let them know it's ok not to support their mom in what she is doing. they have every right to express how they feel fit to her about what they are feeling about what she is doing.
your W likely isn't going to wake up anytime soon, but this is all fresh in the kid's mind and them speaking to her each individually might make a dent in her thoughts about how this isn't affecting them. maybe not right away, but it will at some point.
i'm so sorry man, i literally cried for you and your kids when i read your story. my prayers and thoughts are with you tonite.
Enough of that existentialism... Thanks for the commiseration...
What I'm wondering is how to navigate the waters with a livid son, IMO, rightfully so, without making matters worse for everyone... I hope I'm wrong, but it feels like she's given up and, rather than "stir the pot", since W has such a strong personality, accept her fate...
As bad as he was before he was on meds that got him in check (he's a straight A honors student now), I've never seen such raw emotion from ANYONE...
My goodness, he's, IMO spot-on, in so many ways, yet the manner in which he expresses himself only magnifies his pain because of the vicious circle it creates with W. She does to him what her Mom did to her... Urges him to fight through it; flips it so it's about her (which is a truism)... And he isn't heard... He isn't allowed to have his own thoughts if they're contrary to her beliefs...
It's all so warped... yet somehow so predictable...
D*mn it, why can't she let them express their feelings without making them feel guilty about it or that they are wrong for feeling what they feel? I think D is afraid to express how she feels for fear that she won't be heard...
Last edited by AlexEN; 07/06/0905:49 AM.
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
I feel your pain Alex, as well as your children's. I am sorry that anyone has to go through this. Comfort them and comfort yourself. It will be difficult. I won't tell you all the things that you usually hear when going through a difficult time. I will just say may you all find peace and calm in this storm. You all are in my thoughts.
Last edited by goingtofixME; 07/06/0905:52 AM.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Counseling for S14 ASAP and maybe the other kids too because S14s behavior is gonna scare the sh*t out of them too.
As for hearing them, that is what you are there for.
I had a total tantrum freak out cry-fest this morning (because it was the first 4th of July without my kids and it all hit me).
I ended up speaking to my step-dad. When I told him how horrifying it is for me to see my kids going through what I went through as a kid and to know what they are feeling, instead of telling me to stop projecting or talk me out of my feelings, he told me a) that he understood and it makes perfect sense and b) what a gift it is for them to have someone who understands and can feel for them and empathize as I am able to. Well, the dark cloud lifted and not only did he make me feel empowered and compelled to be here for my children in a way only I can, he also exhibited how it is done.
So, they are blessed to have you. You can handle it (yes, stealing from Coach)...
D*mn it, why can't she let them express their feelings without making them feel guilty about it or that they are wrong for feeling what they feel? I think D is afraid to express how she feels for fear that she won't be heard...
You accomplish this by being there for them and being open. You validate and listen. You don't tear down their mother. Be strong for them. Be their family. Let them talk. Really, really listen. Therapy is good. Continue to work on improving yourself and your relationship with them. Give plenty of hugs. Make time for each of them separately as well as together. Be available.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Your S14 reminds me of my S25. He always threatened to kill any man that I dated. And he did threaten some old high school boyfriend who started IMing with me on the internet. So that ended. Once he saw me out at a bar, dancing with a stranger, so he pulled me aside and threatened to kill him too. I didn't even know the guy's name. Anyway, he kept me pretty much in line. And when my husband had his affair, and I found OW's phone number on the bill, I gave it to S, at that time 22, to call her and say whatever he felt. Apparently, it was another death threat. But that affair ended that day too. And his response when I told him his father wanted a divorce, "I'm going to insist on living with him. And I will make his life miserable. He'll be sorry! And my younger son said he knew exactly how to act like his older brother, and he would do the same thing! I was so proud of my boys. They were the weapons in my arsenal. Whatever you do, do not get in your son's way. Let him do what he will do. A son like that is not always a liability.
