I'm posting this as it may be a unique situation, or maybe someone has experienced something similar and might find the discussion helpful.
Long story short, I'm Catholic and at the time of marriage, my wife was an atheist. This was not a deal breaker to me as she is a wonderful woman and mother who would do anything for anyone. I figured once our kids got involved in growing up Catholic (she agreed we would raise them Catholic, otherwise it would have been a deal breaker) she would feel somehow she was missing out on something and it might get her to come around. It didn't help that I was pretty strong in my beliefs and every time the subject came up she'd get frustrated when I would refute her arguments against existence of God (we're both scientifically educated through college, so I'd use a lot of fact based debate and "reasonable doubt" points). So I just let it go to see what happened over the years.
Well, she found God, through the OM she works with. He heard of her atheism and wanted to find out why (he's Christian), and took it on himself to see if he could convince her otherwise. Complication - he is in a miserable marriage with kids and has been for years. They commiserated about each others marriage problems and - voila - fell into an EA.
Now her confusion - she found God through OM, so OM must have been sent to her from God, and meant for her to be with him. He makes her happier than she has ever been, etc. etc. just like all other EAs. She thinks God brought myself and her together to produce our wonderful kids and now He's going to provide her with her own happiness.
Our marriage was Christmas card perfect on the outside, but like many LBHs the underlying unhappiness she was feeling was not apparent due to my being oblivious and explaining her behaviors away on other things - depression, aging, being a mom. I am a "Clint Eastwood" type, always feeling I needed to be strong, like most men, and was not a big sharer of feelings although they have always been strong for her. Everyone, even her mother, sees me as a super dad and husband for all I do, but emotionally, I've been lacking. I've made great strides in this area, but like many hear, "It's too late."
We are still together, sleep in the same bed, have been to Retrouvaille, and are doing all the steps but she can't/won't let go of the EA.
It may seem that our case is mild compared to some on the boards, but I don't know if we're at the top of a steep hill. And unfortunately, she is using her confusion over "God's plan" as a reason she can't make a decision on what she wants to do.
Has anyone seen anything like this?
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
She has found a way to justify her EA with another man...
That way she doesn't have to feel the guilt...
I have (finally) learned they will say/do/think anything to make themselves feel ok with what they are doing and it is usually something so over the top you sit there scratching your head thinking WTF?
Probably what you are doing right now
Last time I checked God didn't break up families just because someone showed her a different type of attention she wasn't getting from you...
Get the book...Then read it and reread it and post...
Look for Puppy...He is most helpful (as well as the rest of the people I have come into contact with) however he won't sugarcoat it for you so be prepared.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Just as an FYI, I've totally accepted my role in all of this, and have taken no issue with any of the things she has brought up that have hurt her in the past. She was right on all of them, and I have changed in a positive way to where I could not conceive of having the same responses to those same situations today. Especially having grasped how she felt about them - whereas I didn't think any of them were a big deal at the time. We have had less than 10 big time, voices raised arguments in our entire marriage, which is probably part of the problem. We just buried anything that bothered us until it festered into something that manifested itself into us withdrawing and becoming more roommates than marriage partners.
I feel a bizzare sense of gratitude to the OM for creating a belief in God in my wife. And honestly, our marriage would have turned to a miserable boring existence for both of us had the EA not occurred. We just would not have taken steps to work on it, which we are doing now. Which is why I've taken a very accepting stance on the whole thing (not the ongoing EA, but the fact that it happened). The problem is her inability to break off from the EA, which is making every effort we're making seem shallow.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
""The problem is her inability to break off from the EA, which is making every effort we're making seem shallow.""
That is because you are allowing her to have her cake and eat it to...I recall this exact thing happening with me and I am not trying to be a b***h but that is what you will hear from the majority of the people on this board...Boundries need to be set asap...It isn't acceptable to be 2nd and that is where you are right now...
""I've taken a very accepting stance on the whole thing (not the ongoing EA, but the fact that it happened).""
NO....Absolutely not...You don't know what your marriage may have become if she had chosen to come to you with her issues (with you, kids, work etc...) instead of someone else...There isn't anything acceptable about this...It brings no good to anyone involved...Trust me...I took the same stance...Guess where it got me? If you don't know come have a look at my last few days...
I will try to find Puppy and see what he has to say...Hopefully he is proud of the advice I can offer because I damn sure have a hard time putting it to use
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
No problem with your response, that's why I'm here - to get some feedback.
The boundaries thing is tricky in that they work together and there's no chance of her quitting her job right now. She loves it there and did long before this happened. Plus its not a good time to be job hunting as everyone knows, so approaching her with that would be a non-starter. Anything in my presence is email on a handheld, which she uses constantly for work during off hours anyway, so I can't tell if it's work or EA texting. And then its just like "check and peck" where she's not constantly doing it so it could very well be work - she'll even mention something about it like "huh, such and such just happened" etc. There are no phone calls, dates, or anything like that, and she's tried to be transparent for the most part - like showing me an email she sent at Retrouvaille. They do go to lunch in a group while at work, which I'm sure does no good either.
As far as acceptance, she says she tried to communicate the problems with me a few years ago but I didn't get it. As I said, it seemed like a one off thing that I attributed to depression, and we really didn't speak about it at length. So she sat on the issues for a few years(to our detriment, she knows) because she knew of no way to reach me. However when she got involved in the EA and felt she had to do something she dropped the bomb in a way where I HAD to get it - sent the kids away for the weekend and sat me down.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
However when she got involved in the EA and felt she had to do something she dropped the bomb in a way where I HAD to get it - sent the kids away for the weekend and sat me down.
Funny what people can decide to do, when they're motivated. I suspect that if she had sent the kids away for the weekend, and sat you down, and said something like "I've tried to talk to you before, but you haven't taken me seriously, and now I don't like how I'm beginning to feel about other men. If we don't get some marriage counseling -- now -- I don't know if I can remain faithful to you, and that's not who I am. We need professional help, and you need to listen to me this time!"
On another note, she sometimes initiates the things that the Retro weekend promotes, like daily dialogue, so I can't fault her for making no effort. She IS trying, and says she's cut way back on the communication with the OM. She also has noticed changes in me but is worried about their permanence. She has asked for and appreciates my patience.
I know our kids have a lot to do with her efforts. She loves them and is pretty sure/afraid they'd be living with me if we did divorce.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
However when she got involved in the EA and felt she had to do something she dropped the bomb in a way where I HAD to get it - sent the kids away for the weekend and sat me down.
Funny what people can decide to do, when they're motivated. I suspect that if she had sent the kids away for the weekend, and sat you down, and said something like "I've tried to talk to you before, but you haven't taken me seriously, and now I don't like how I'm beginning to feel about other men. If we don't get some marriage counseling -- now -- I don't know if I can remain faithful to you, and that's not who I am. We need professional help, and you need to listen to me this time!"
. . . I'm guessing you would have heard her.
LOL. Damn right. It's something I wish she'd have done. She is the type of woman who I felt had no chance, zero, NONE of being unfaithful. She's experienced it in dating prior to our marriage and was crushed by it.
Last edited by pigskin; 07/16/0906:31 PM.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Yeah I've seen this before. It's called the typical WAS.
She can't deal with her own indecision so she decides to blame it on something else...in this case it's God.
It's funny how they forget about the part about how God hates divorce and how God had something called the commandments where you don't covet another persons spouse.
She's being flooded with the 'in love' bug plain and simple. If she recalled X amount of years ago when you two first met, she felt those same things.
Don't let it twist you around. Have you read DR and/or DB yet?
Get those right away and come up with a plan.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
