Can I save my marriage?

[Lll54]

Hi, I am brand new to the forum and have been reading on it about a week. Finally decided to try and get some advice.

My story - Well my husband and I got pregnant before we were married. Actually we weren't even dating. We had dated the year before and broke up for a few months and in that time span got pregnant. My husband asked for me back and we gave it a shot. Within one year he proposed and we got married. Everything was perfect! A year later we decided to have another baby. So we did. 21/2 yrs into our marriage we are happy, own our own home, married, parents of two beautiful baby boys. They are 3 and 1 now. And then hell breaks loose. My husband wakes up one day and tells me is is not happy. Why I ask? He has no idea... well wonderful so how are we supposed to fix this if he doesn't know why? So I suggested marriage counseling. He agreed. He went first individually, then I went. He said he realized a lot in his session that he is a people pleaser and basically has been living this life of pleasing me since day one and doesn't feel like he is himself around me cause he's too busy pleasing me. By the end of the week we went to our session together and and hour after the session he left. Packed a suitcase and went to his sisters. That was 31/2 weeks ago. Since then he has given me mixed signals. A few times he talks about being together one day then the next its over and he has no desire to come home whatsoever. His friend came down to visit for a few days and it was his turn to have the boys so I expected not to hear from him for a few days. Halfway into the visit he called and asked me to go for lunch with them so I could meet his friend. (He lives quite far away and I hadn't met him yet). Well then my mind starts working..."why did he want me to meet his friend?" if he is so sure that its over then there would be no reason for me to meet him. So what happens next? After I think this is a positive thing and he's reaching out to me, he doesn't get in contact with me for 3 days! Heartbroken all over again! This week, my one yr old has gotten really sick with the start of pneumonia so for the days he is supposed to watch them he wants to come stay here at the house so my boy doesn't have to leave the house and get more sick. What? How is that supposed to work? I know by saying yes I'm setting myself up for heartbreak again. He is going to come stay and leave in a few days and be happy he saw his boys, and I'm going to be devastated to watch him walk out the house again. I'm having troubles letting go, I'm scared to death of lonliness. All my friends in this city are married with kids. I don't have single friends. He does. If he's bored he has people to be with to keep him busy. I feel that's why this is so easy for him and why he hasn't come home yet! But he is still really sure he doesn't want to come home. We haven't talked about it in about a week and a half cause I'm scared to death to ask how he is feeling. I am so angry with him but I can't show it at all! I'm walking on eggshells in hopes he sees a new me and wants to be in my life. We have only been married 2 years! We have to little boys! My youngest is still in diapers! How on earth could you want to walk out on that! I just don't get it. Anyways, just wondering if anyone is in a similar situation and can give me any advice as to whether there might be a chance for us,and some tips on what I should be doing? I sometimes feel like maybe our marriage is a scam and he only did it because it was the "right thing to do" in our circumstance. He once mentioned to me that he wanted to have our youngest son in hopes it would better our marriage. Very selfish I know, but does that mean my life is a scam? Should I be moving on? And how do you? I'm a stay at home mom! I have no life other than my husband and boys! I'm in dire straits and I don't know how to get out...please help!

[TrentC]

Welcome to the boards. Sorry you found yourself here.

I would start by reading The Divorce Remedy; it's something you can do while not at your computer.

I'm sure other veterans of the boards will be by with good solid advice as well.

[TrentC]

OK, let's see if I can take a whack at things, me being a newcomer as well.

Sometimes the best way to learn is to teach. I'm sure more experienced hands will jump in if I get too mixed up...

My husband wakes up one day and tells me is is not happy. Why I ask? He has no idea... well wonderful so how are we supposed to fix this if he doesn't know why?

You can't trust anything he says at this point. He's not sure of what he wants, so he's going to say things to drive you away, make you doubt yourself, and convince himself that he's doing the right thing.

After I think this is a positive thing and he's reaching out to me, he doesn't get in contact with me for 3 days! Heartbroken all over again! I'm having troubles letting go, I'm scared to death of lonliness.

Then this is the time to take control of your life and your emotions. He doesn't get to put you through the wringer like this.

Coach has a great post about detachment here; the whole thread is very good. If you're going to make it as a person, either with your husband or without, you need to take control of your emotional well-being.

I'm walking on eggshells in hopes he sees a new me and wants to be in my life. We have only been married 2 years! We have to little boys! My youngest is still in diapers! How on earth could you want to walk out on that! I just don't get it.

He's not sure he wants to walk out on it yet. If he was, he'd be gone.

Should I be moving on? And how do you? I'm a stay at home mom! I have no life other than my husband and boys! I'm in dire straits and I don't know how to get out...please help!

I'd say find a copy of The Divorce Remedy and start there. There are lots of people here who will be able to give you good advice as you work through this.

[Lll54]

You are right! Thank you Trent. You have made some very valid points. He is putting me through the ringer. Tonight is night one of him staying here to see the boys while they are sick and I mentioned in general conversation that I have a sore lower back. And he offered to give me a back rub!!!! What???!!! This is not separation in my eyes...once again leading me on only to walk away in a few days. Ugh..I need to practice this whole detachment thing I'm just scared to death. And don't know where to start and where to get the strength...

[chatterbug]

You are going to need to read up on Plan A and GAL. Everytime you feel weak or out of control. Think of your children. You need to be strong for them. And being strong for them means being strong for yourself.

You need to watch and listen. Write things down. Work them out with yourself. Have you noticed any other changes in your WAS ?

[TrentC]

And he offered to give me a back rub!!!! What???!!! This is not separation in my eyes...

The first thing then would be to establish some boundaries. Coach started a good thread on the topic here. If you're not comfortable with him showing you physical affection right now, politely decline his offer. No other explanation is needed other than "I appreciate the offer, but that's not necessary."

You need to start showing him that you're not going to be dependant on him emotionally. That will be the first clue to him that something is changing about the relationship. Livestrong.com has a good article on detachment as well.

Ugh..I need to practice this whole detachment thing I'm just scared to death.

This is natural. A lot of what is discussed in DB and DR is very counter-intuitive, but that's a large part of the reason that it works.

You mentioned that all of your friends are married? Try making plans for a "girls' night out" where you all go catch a movie, or go to a comedy club, or do something that is fun. They may enjoy the respite as much as you will.

As you start making plans, ask him if he will step up and watch the kids from time to time. You're not trying to dump them on him, but having him come over once or twice a week to keep an eye on them should not be unreasonable at all. And no, you don't owe him an explanation of where you're going or what you're doing. If he won't do it, then look into hiring a babysitter.

And don't know where to start and where to get the strength...

Are you a churchgoing person? If so, ask God to help you with this burden; that's what he is there for. I can suggest a few verses to mediate on.

The Serenity Prayer is a good one to start with. Another one is Psalm 23:

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Trent,

I don't know if anyone's ever told you this before, but you're pretty good at this. I hope you'll continue to reach out more, and help the newbies.

That's good, solid advice.

Puppy

[TrentC]

Thanks, PDT.

I'm almost all of the way through DR now, and I feel like I grasp it better if I try explaining it to other people. The important thing is if it helps britt54 and her sitch.

Britt, you have a lot of people pulling for you on these forums, so don't give up hope. Marriages have come back from a lot worse place than you are right now, but it'll take time and patience.

[Lll54]

I agree with Puppy, Trent you are very good at this!
A little update. I feel like I made a tremendous step last night! He went out for a bite to eat after the boys were in bed and I went to sleep. When he got home around midnight, even though we didn't discuss it I assumed he was sleeping in the spare room. So he came into my room and sat down beside me woke me up and asked if he could sleep in our bed with me??!!! He hasn't been here for 3 weeks and just expects to sleep in our bed! The only reason he is staying here is because the boys are sick. Ugh. This is the hardest part. Its so hard not to read into this stuff! He made up some excuse how there was no blanket on the spare bed. Well listen up buddy you have lived here for 5 years, pretty sure you know where there are extra blankets! So I said no, and told him where to get a blanket! Very politely though. Yay! I was so proud of myself. And I think he was a little dumbfounded. He definitely did not expect that reaction out of me. As much as I wanted to say "Yes!" "please sleep here with me, hold me, cuddle me, kiss me!" I knew I couldn't. And I didn't. Now today I've tried to make my day as busy as possible, so that he can spend time with the boys and I can be gone. I feel if I spend too much time here I will get attached again, only to watch him leave sunday night back to his sis's. I'm trying to keep myself busy as much as possible and he is doing a great job of watching the kids on his days off. As I don't work so that's the kind of deal we made. But sometimes its hard. The "girls" don't want to go out every week. They want to do "couples" thinks as well. That's the hard part. I am not used to being the single wheel. I really appreciate all your help Trent. Now that somebody has taken me on I really appreciate your knowledge. You seem to have a lot! I look forward no to logging on here and hearing your uplifting words of advice! Thanks you so much...we'll see what today brings us.

[TrentC]

I appreciate the praise, but I haven't really been at this much longer than you have. I just bought the book last week!

(I guess I should update my thread from a couple of days ago about my sitch.)

As for him leaving on Sunday? That's 3 days from now. Three days for you to put your best foot forward and for him to think. It sounds like the detachment and 180's might be doing some good, so keep them up!

He is ultimately going to have to be the one to talk about coming back, because it's his choice to make. And when he does, you should know what your boundaries are and communicate them clearly.

Does he get to sleep in the same bed if he moves back in? How about physical affection in general (hugs and kisses)? If PA is acceptable, how do you feel about lovemaking?

Lovemaking will be the one you have to be the most clear about; our first attempt after the bomb was dropped was, to put it mildly, a disaster and make things worse for a while. If you're not comfortable, he needs to know and needs to know what it'll take to earn that privilege back (even if the answer is "I'm not sure yet"). This is him taking responsibility for his actions, and he should respect you for it.

If getting together with your girlfriends doesn't seem likely, look into finding something else to occupy your time. Now is a perfect time to pick up an old hobby, or try a new one. Take some time to have fun by yourself, and maybe you'll make some new friends along the way.