A cheated cheater

[undefeated]

I have known my husband for 19 years. We were childhood sweethearts and got married right out of high school at 18. Four months later I was pregnant with our first son. Our three boys are now 4, 2 ½, and 1 ½. He is in the military and we are supposed to be moving to AZ in the next few weeks.

We were a swingers couple for awhile. Then he gave it up but I didn’t. I had an affair 3 years ago and nearly destroyed our marriage then. It was with another soldier and I tried to leave my H for this OM. H refused to give me a divorce and I have been thankful every day since then. I never really wanted a divorce – I just didn’t want to give up the fantasy with the OM. But the affair ended less than a year after it started and H and I have been rebuilding ever since. But he has been deployed twice in that time. We’ve been together a total of six months in the last two years, and that not consecutively.

I am bi-polar, and that is no excuse. I sought help for myself about three months ago and now have a clear mind, which is not as wonderful as it sounds. I am glad to be me again, but it also means I have to look back on what I’ve done to myself and the man I love. But I am finally getting well.

And now it looks like our marriage is down for the count again. He has another woman in another state. He told me about it after he got to my parents’ house where I’ve been staying with the kids. He’s just finished a six month school in another state. He’s known her about three months. He says he wants to divorce me and be with her. So she would have to join him in AZ. But he wants me to come to AZ with the kids as soon as he gets us a house too. The boys need him and he needs them. I’m not a cruel enough person to deny them their father just because I’m mad and hurt.

I don’t want a divorce; I love my H. And Michele is right – don’t snoop. It only makes you feel more miserable. Found her name and some pics of them today. And it only made me heartsick. I don’t hate her – how could I? I was her! And I have a unique perspective on what’s going on with him. But that doesn’t make it easier. I often feel that this is no more than I deserve because of my own stupid decisions. I don’t want to give up on my marriage.

Sometimes I am totally confident that if I just wait him out and work on myself then this affair will burn out and he will come to his senses. But then other times I am so unsure, so quietly despairing of a chance. I want to hope, but I don’t want to because then he can tear me up again if he leaves.

I’ve ordered the books, but they aren’t here yet. I just want to fix this stupid mess I’ve made. I know he’s making mistakes too, but I’ll forgive him anything. I just want my husband back.


undefeated 24
H 24
S's 4, 2 1/2, 1 1/2
M 5 years

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie

[Serenity13]

Hi Un ~

Welcome to a great place filled with wonderful people.

You have a lot going on in your thread and there are some areas I don't have any experience with so I will leave those to some of the other people to weigh in on.

Did you both happen to go to therapy after your affair?

Him being deployed isn't an excuse for successful/unsuccessful rebuilding. If you both were truly committed to your marriage and rebuilding from your affair, then nothing would have stood in the way.

None of us here want a divorce however sometimes that is just the way it happens though by that time you will be stronger and more in charge of yourself.

Keep reading here, keep posting as well. The book is very helpful so if you don't know when it will be in, I would see if the library has a copy you can use for now.

As for this...

I just want to fix this stupid mess I’ve made

It is up to him to fix it. You have no control over him or the situation he has made. You can set boundaries/make good changes within yourself/do 180's/gal etc...But know this, he made this mess - Not you.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Yeah, there's no sense snooping when you already know what's going on. Snooping should only be to initially confirm suspicions, so that you'll know what you're dealing with, or to gather evidence for a legal action (divorce or custody in a "fault" state), or for verifying no-contact as part of a mutually-agreed-upon transparency agreement.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

Puppy

[undefeated]

Well, the therapy thing is sort of odd. I was required by a judge to attend counseling for awhile after I went to jail in 2006. Bi-polar bad decisions haven't been limited to my marriage. And my therapist and I talked a lot about the affair. It amazed me she didn't diagnose my bi-polar disorder then, as out of control as I was. The affair was my main hang-up, so yes that was pretty much all we talked about. By the time I left I was in a much better place to understand what it was doing to me and my family.

And, of course, I'm seeing her (the same psychiatrist) again now. SHe was shocked at how calmly I relayed my situation.Which I found interesting. How else would I react? Screaming wouldn't do any good, and neither would crying. I guess I just knew what it was like on the other side of that fence. But I think she was really worried I might be plotting his death. LOL, which I'm not.

I am plotting an evolution of myself. Even without reading DR or DB yet I know I have to let this A run its course and work on me. I can't change him, but I can change me. And I can make him see every day of this EXACTLY what he stands to lose.

As for him attending therapy, I won't even suggest it. He has a deep-seated distrust of psychiatrists thanks to bad childhood experience - five within two years. He would consider the suggestion an attack and place me in the same category as his mother - someone who doesn't feel like dealing with him so instead dumps him on a professional.

I agree that the deployments aren't the only thing that were standing in our way. But being in a war zone they HAVE to shut down and distance from us. It is survival 101. If they worry about the ones back home they aren't focusing on the mission and that's when they get hurt or worse. So it wasn't exactly the time to discuss rebuilding efforts.

I consider this A one of the consequences of my own A as well as my disease while it was untreated. I was sick enough to allow myself to become someone he would want to cheat on. So now I fix what's wrong with me. The fact that I wasn't fully in control of my own mind and impulses doesn't mean I get a free pass on the consequences of my choices. But they don't have to cripple me forever either.

[TrentC]

I am plotting an evolution of myself. Even without reading DR or DB yet I know I have to let this A run its course and work on me.

If you let the affair "run its course", you're committing to making no progress on your relationship.

If you think you can bust the affair, go for it. Otherwise, he gets a choice -- give up the OW and commit to really working things out with you, or go off and live with her.

As for him attending therapy, I won't even suggest it.

Good luck to you, then; you guys have too many issues to sort out on your own.

I would think joint MC would be the way to go; that way you're not dumping him off on someone else.

I consider this A one of the consequences of my own A as well as my disease while it was untreated. I was sick enough to allow myself to become someone he would want to cheat on.

That's victim talk. Having an affair is a choice. You didn't do anything to deserve to be cheated on, just as your husband didn't do anything to deserve you cheating on him.

There is no tit-for-tat; he doesn't get a free pass on an A just because you had one.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

That's victim talk. Having an affair is a choice. You didn't do anything to deserve to be cheated on, just as your husband didn't do anything to deserve you cheating on him.

There is no tit-for-tat; he doesn't get a free pass on an A just because you had one.

"Amen" to this. ^

Puppy

[TrentC]

That's victim talk. Having an affair is a choice. You didn't do anything to deserve to be cheated on, just as your husband didn't do anything to deserve you cheating on him.

There is no tit-for-tat; he doesn't get a free pass on an A just because you had one.

The thing to remember is that you made mistakes, and he made mistakes; but you have come to understand what you really want in a relationship, and you are willing to commit to working things out. If he is not, then he's free to go.

[chatterbug]

And remember any excuse is just that an excuses.

You had an affair because you have no boundaries around other men.

He is the same.

This is where you should start.

[undefeated]

You know, for a support system I'm feeling very...judged at the moment. Maybe my wording is ambiguous because you can't see my face or hear my tone of voice.

I do NOT feel like a victim. I have simply accepted that some things happen as a result of other things.

As for this:

"Good luck to you, then; you guys have too many issues to sort out on your own." (sorry I don't know how to do the embedded quote yet)

I didn't say I am opposed to MC. But there is a time and a place for everything, and this is not an option for now.

I didn't say I intend to stand by and not fight back. But I know for a fact that if my H had laid down ultimatums or demanded I go to MC during my A, it would have made the situation worse. I had to come back to our marriage on my own and at my own time. An A is a bit like a rollercoaster - you ride until the end. You know it WILL end, but no one will convince you to get off before it does.

DB and DR may have some good ideas; as I haven't had a chance to read them yet I think the criticisms are a bit premature. I also get it that there is a tough love element to getting through this, even from my support system. But this is a process for me and being told that I'm doing it wrong is less than helpful and, I think, incorrect. Not everything is right for every person. If I am to have to defend myself every time I disagree on what is best for me and my marriage, perhaps this is not the best place for me.

[TrentC]

You know, for a support system I'm feeling very...judged at the moment. Maybe my wording is ambiguous because you can't see my face or hear my tone of voice.

If there is something that we are misunderstanding, please feel free to clarify.

I do NOT feel like a victim. I have simply accepted that some things happen as a result of other things.

But that's not what you said. What you wrote directly implied that you were taking responsibility for the circumstances that led your husband to cheat on you. (And "things happen" is kind of a cop-out, honestly.)

I didn't say I intend to stand by and not fight back. But I know for a fact that if my H had laid down ultimatums or demanded I go to MC during my A, it would have made the situation worse.

But that was you, not your husband. And you don't really know how you would have reacted if your husband tried to bust your affair, because he didn't. (At least, not from what you've told us.)

I had to come back to our marriage on my own and at my own time. An A is a bit like a rollercoaster - you ride until the end. You know it WILL end, but no one will convince you to get off before it does.

You are not entitled to "ride until the end"; that you believe so shows an amazing level of entitlement (and maybe some lingering feelings about your own affair?).

And some people here have successfully busted an affair, so it is possible to bring the rollercoaster to a halt. If your husband had kicked you to the curb while you were cheating on him, we would have been cheering him on.

DB and DR may have some good ideas; as I haven't had a chance to read them yet I think the criticisms are a bit premature. I also get it that there is a tough love element to getting through this, even from my support system.

Once you have read the books you'll understand where we are coming from.

But this is a process for me and being told that I'm doing it wrong is less than helpful and, I think, incorrect.

I'm sorry you feel that way. But if you expect people here to kiss your forehead, pat your hand and tell you that it's going to be OK and to follow your gut, you are in the wrong place. (And I'm a teddy bear compared to some of the people on here...)

We are not paid counselers and have no official connection to Michele Weiner-Davis, our esteemed hostess. If you want to talk to someone like that, I would recommend the Telephone Coaching section.

If I am to have to defend myself every time I disagree on what is best for me and my marriage, perhaps this is not the best place for me.

You are correct about one thing; if your reaction to the advice you get here is to get defensive, then you will have a hard time getting anywhere. Much of what DB and DR advocate is counter-intuitive and will "feel" wrong to you. But it's recommended because it works.

This is a network of fellow travelers who are choosing to offer help, comfort and advice voluntarily -- many of whom are working on rebuilding or saving our own marriages at the same time.

My advice is worth exactly what you paid for it; if you feel that it's not what you want to hear, then there are plenty of other people I can spend my time with.