Because, the way I see it, the kind of honesty you need, will be a long process, and I dont think she is refusing that. I think she is -in her panick- trying some "damage control". It's not easy to "list" your affairs, admit you've been a liar and at the moment she doesnt sound very stable to be able to tell right from wrong or realise the long term benefit of coming clean.
No, it won't be easy. It is, nonetheless, essential. Why should he believe she regrets what she's done when she can't even be open about what she's done? I understand that it's a process, but it's been what? two years? How long does it take before she will be prepared to be open about her past actions? "Damage control" is the problem. Unless she abandons all forms of attempted control and basically throws herself on his mercy, I don't call that remorse.
(this is assuming, rob, that you do have really reliable intel about her actions so you are *sure* she's not being forthcoming....)
There is no way to rebuild a decent relationship without -- I don't want to use the word "brutal", but yeah, that -- honesty and detailed self-revelation of faults from both parties. IMHO. If she's not there yet, then I wouldn't advocate reconciling. Otherwise, you run a good risk of finding yourself right back here in a couple of years. Again, IMHO.
Of course, no need or reason to be cold or compassionless towards her in the day-to-day.
Yup and I have no issues with that, I'm sure it would be a long process but the process does have to start. The PA's were real, she has admitted that "things" happened, but I'm a details kinda guy, "things" just won't cut it.
Word of caution being a step ahead of you having agreed to try and turn this around: I am now in a state of mind where no matter what I know (hacked her and his email accounts), I feel there is more and more and more... I am forcing myself to follow the advice of a book (dont know which one anymore-I can send you all the "after the affair" online books available), that wisely suggested, "ask what you need that is important, stick to basics in the beginning and then insist on details that are necessary for you to move on". It's like peeling an onion. And it stinks!!!
Oh I know it stinks, but I'm at a point where pulling apart that onion isn't making me tear up anymore.
To paraphrase Tom Cruise.... "I WANT THE TRUTH!"
- and just in case there is any debate over the issue, I can handle the truth.
Yes PMA it is about respect, I won't live with secrets or lies or deception anymore, and I'm at the point in my life that I won't live without respect & honesty, those things are just too important to me, I won't play the clueless fool anymore and if she can't own up to what she has done and the sordid details attached to those events, it isn't my loss - it's hers.
Detachment is the way to go, no contact didn't hurt either, these past 2 months I've had very little contact & communication with her, I let her stand on her own two feet without any assistance from me and I'm sure the difference was felt and it's possible the christmas season itself may have assisted with this, seriously I never been happier in my life and whichever way this goes, I will be better than just OK.
My cellphone is taking a beating from all of the texts she is sending, it's never vibrated so much before, I'm almost tempted to shove it inside my pants and make use of this energy she's sending my way (just kidding.... maybe).
I commend you on how you handled the sitch, no 2x4's. You have went though a huge period of personal growth, and W is way behind.
What you are doing is working, so keep doing it.
State and hold your boundaries.
"W, When you do not tell me who you were with and what you did when I ask, I feel I can not trust you, I need a partner that is open and honest. If you are unable to be open and honest with me, I see no reason to stay married."
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
- without them I'm nothing, it's whats gotten me where I am right now, it took me a few years but I got where I need to be.
And i'm not so foolish to believe that this isn't scary for her to let go of the secrets and lies and come cleans with the ugly details but I won't make it easy on her by telling her that she can come back without those things, part of this is her investing in me, and that investing comes in many forms, one of which is honesty, life is too short to live without the respect attributed to honesty.
My decision to allow her "back" because interestingly enough, that is something she brought up, she wants to move back home as well, will be based on alot of things.
Kalni, I'm going to be honest, I don't know what I'm going to do, or how I'm going to react. I do know that without the honesty and full disclosure, I can't make any decision and I have the right to make a decision knowing all the facts.
I would be lying if I said I'll forgive her after hearing everything, I know I'll be mature about it, it's been a 2+ year process, I've done some considerable healing, I'm not going to revert to the scared insecure person I was many years ago.
I want honesty and I'll get it in my life, that's a pre-requisite before making any decisions about her & me but without honesty I will let you know that my decision would be a big fact "NO!"
