Some people think that D is the end. I found it is a great opportunity for personal growth.
2 years ago, two people were living in the same house with completely different lives. They were sharing parenting responsibilities, but rarely did anything together as a family or as a couple. She wakes up early and goes to bed early. He wakes up late and stays up late. Good way to cover the parenting responsibilities.
The husband had slowly given up control of everything over the past 12 years. The H just went along to keep the peace. The only "real" responsibility he had was going to work and getting the kids from place to place.
He allows his wife to control everything. Keep the peace. Do not argue. His motto "If that will make her happy, OK".
Their anniversary was coming up, so over the period of several weeks, the H asked several times what W wanted to do. Plans were never made. Wife always made the plans. She has full control of all the money. She managed the schedule. He waited for her to tell him what she wanted to do. He didn't care, he just wanted to spend time with her. Well, the anniversary day came. No plans were made. He thinks "WTF, why didn't she want to do anything on our anniversary. O well, I will go out and have a good time with my friends." That night, friend ask "how are things with W?" At that moment, H realizes things are not good. The illusion is gone. He goes into fix it mode.
Now he is scared. She controls him. They never talked about their relationship. He thinks about what is important. He thinks about what HE WANTS. How do you talk about these things? He thinks. He puts his thoughts on paper.
1) I wanted to do what is best for my marriage 2) I wanted to do what is best for my children 3) I wanted to spend more time as a family 4) I wanted to spend more time with W. 5) I wanted to spend more one on one time with my children.
He knows what he wants. He tells his wife "we need to talk". She avoided the talk for a few days. Finally they lay in bed and to talk. He is nervous. He can't talk, so he shows her the list of items above. She reads it. She said she has been making plans for divorce. They calmly talk. He listens. She rolls over and goes to sleep. How can she sleep? Our world just came crashing down! That night, he can't sleep. Everything goes into slow motion. We made commitments to be together till "death do we part".
She wants a D, OK. Give her what she wants. But wait, what about the kids? She wants me to be a weekend dad. I spend more time with them than she does. she wants to TAKE MY KIDS AWAY FROM ME!!!
He starts taking action, he faces divorce. He researches divorce. What's this "It's never to late to save your marriage." He reads story's. He buys a book. He reads the book. He is going to save his marriage. He starts changing. He buys more books........
1 year ago, Two people were sitting in a room with two lawyers and a mediator. Five people dissolved the marriage. The divorce was finalized. He has 50/50 custody of his kids. His Ex-wife is very angry. He is a different person. She no longer controls him. He is committed to personal growth and being the best dad. What is best for my kids is best for me is his motto. No woman is going to control him again......
Today, two people are living in two different house with completely different lives. They are sharing parenting responsibilities, but rarely do anything together as a family and never as a couple. She does what she wants. He does what he wants. Good way to cover the parenting responsibilities.
The man has full control and responsibility of everything in his life. He lives two different lives, moving between them every Friday. One as a single man, the other as "Mr Mom". He enjoy's all of his "new" responsibilities as well as all his new "Freedom". He is still committed to personal growth. He stands up to his ex-wife. Being nice did not work. Setting boundaries does. He is self confident. He is no longer afraid of being alone. He enjoys sleeping alone. He enjoys being in charge of the sex and romance area of his relationships. He is no longer afraid of women. He has many special relationships with woman at different levels and he enjoys (and learns from) every one of them. Even the relationship with his Ex-wife is interesting. How long will she hold on to the Anger? Her choice.
He reflects on the list, everything he wanted he got, with the exception of time spent with W (he now spends more time with other women). He is in a much better place, so the best thing for the marriage was to end it. He has full control of his life again. He is no longer co-dependent. He knows that the best thing for the kids is to have two happy parents. He is now in control of his own happiness. He is happy. He prays his ex-wife will find happiness. He spends more quality time with his kids. He has control over when, where and what they do during his parenting time. He spends quality time with each of his kids.
DBing may not have saved his M, but it saved him and his relationship with his children.
His only words of advise: Do not let fear control you.
R2C
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
