He said he is done!!

[lostnotgone]

I have been reading the information on this site for a few days and it has shed some light - but how to I get him to see that we have a chance. I even emailed him the DB site!

It all blew up right before the holidays when I found out that he had been talking with another woman. He swears he never physically did anything.... he admits he was wrong. Apparetly he has been unhappy for years and never said a word! We have 3 great kids who I focused on 110% of the time. As the kids get older they are starting to go out more and it left me and the H with free time that we did not spend together.

We went to 2 counsiling sessions and he just gave up!! He moved out last Monday! I have tried to talk to him and make him understand that 20 years together and 3 kids deserve more time to resolve the issues. We did not have any type of abusive relationship - we just forgot about eachother. He said he does not love me anymore - I can't accept that. I am trying to give him space to figure all this out. I am just afraid that the longer he is gone the harder it will be save our marriage.

How does he have the right to say "I am done"

[NoLongerHere]

Hey LNG -

Welcome to the site - sorry you're in the situation that landed you here, but you'll get lots of support.

Get and read Divorce Remedy. Stop trying to convice him, that's going to drive him further away. Stop pursing behaviors.

Take a deep breath. Get the book, keep posting about your sitch.

- Bill

[lostnotgone]

Thanks Bill - I am trying my hardest - not just for us but for our family. Divorce just does not happen in my family and not something I am just willing to do unless we pursue every avenue.

I just ordered the book - I hope it works!

LNG

[gman]

hang tough - read DR if you have not already - i am also very new to this forum but there is a ton of information/advice and friends whom you never met.

you are focusing on your kids 110% of the time, what have you done to GAL for yourself? you need it.

[Ready2Change]

Hi, sorry to hear about your sitch, but you have found a great place for support.

I have been reading the information on this site for a few days and it has shed some light

Good keep reading.

- but how to I get him to see that we have a chance.

By taking your focus off of him and work on you.

I even emailed him the DB site!

Hopefully he checks it out, but most likely he has no desire to work on the relationship and does not. I strongly suggest you focus on you and let him deal be for now.

I focused on 110% of the time...free time that we did not spend together.

Do you see why OW looks attractive?

...He moved out last Monday!

He needs space, give it to him.

I have tried to talk to him and make him understand that 20 years together and 3 kids deserve more time to resolve the issues

Talking does not work. Change the way you interact with him. This is very important. Listening and validating.

. We did not have any type of abusive relationship - we just forgot about each other. He said he does not love me anymore

Sounds just like my relationship with MsR2C. I give advise based off what did not work for me and what I have seen work for others here.

- I can't accept that.

I strongly suggest that you accept it. Feelings change over time. Every relationship gets to this point. You now need to go through this and come out on the other side. ( Read "Keeping The Love You Find: A Guide for Singles" by Ph.D. Harville Hendrix.)

I am trying to give him space to figure all this out.

You are doing the right thing. Keep giving him the space he needs.

I am just afraid that the longer he is gone the harder it will be save our marriage.

Face your fears. If you do not, they will become true. What you do to prevent events in your life cause them to happen.

How does he have the right to say "I am done"

He has free will.

[Ready2Change]

I am trying my hardest

Always do your best and you will have no regrets.

not just for us but for our family

Just keep focusing on doing the right thing.

Divorce just does not happen in my family and not something I am just willing to do unless we pursue every avenue.

Things that work are going to be counter-intuitive for you. Right now, he "IS DONE". If you put any more pressure on him to work on the R, he will be even "MORE DONE".

I just ordered the book - I hope it works! LNG

It works. I have seen it work.

[lostnotgone]

I spent last night and this morning reading DB and waiting for another DB book - it was amazing to see how the lives of others is so similar to ours.

He is picking up the kids tomorrow and not sure what to do. Do I talk with him - he has been gone for 2 weeks and this has been going on for a while. We have household bills that need to paid, children that need to know that we are working on saving our family.

I have gotten out a few times in the past week with friends and that helps for awhile - but then I have to go home to an empty bed.

I want him to read the DB book with an open mind and see that we are not a lost cause. Is this a mistake ?

[mb28]

Lostnogone,
I'm sorry you find yourself here, but you'll get great advice. Our stitchs sound so similiar as do lots of others (see my link to my story below). My H is also saying "I'm done" and "I love you but not in love with you". Those really hurt when we hear those words.

It does get easier to deal with the emotions. You d0 need to try to focus on you and what you can control and not on him.

Lots of hugs your way!

my story

[Cadet]

I want him to read the DB book with an open mind and see that we are not a lost cause. Is this a mistake ?

Yes it is a mistake. It is R talk and it is pursuing. The book is your secret weapon. Keep it a secret. You e-mailed him the site. I wouldn't have done that but It is done. He has to do the work to get the benefit of the site. You need to read and study. Knowledge is power.

Start with the LRT.

This is the detach link:
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Then you need to look in the mirror and figure out what 180's you can do. And GAL.

[lostnotgone]

thanks for the advise.

It is so hard not to try and just make it understand that our problems are solvable. things change after 20 years - my parents went a similar situation about 12 years ago and after they told the family they saw devastation in our reaction they started counseling and just celebrated 38 years. WHY can't he give us the same shot?

How do I turn my brain off for 5 minutes ? I wake up and it is my first thought.

He is coming today to see the kids and I am going to try my hardest to do a 180..but we still have to talk about finances!! We do not have the option to sell the house either - we bought a house right before the market crashed and are so upside down and I refuse to let his decision effect the kids even more by having to move - this is NOT an option.