Contrary to popular belief, I am not opposed to standing for one's marriage. I do believe that there does become a point and time when I do think its harmful and the LBS should move on. What are your thoughts and opinions?
I agree with Jack. The final say has to come from the LBS themselves.
But that doesn't mean that you can't try to get people to see the light of day after awhile.
When I finally accepted that my marriage was truly over, and there will never be or do I ever want another husband/wife relationship with my ex, I finally stated to heal and put total focus on my own self.
Sure there are some spouses that come out of this, but I believe the majority won't admit what they did was wrong. The statistics are just too low, so I think it's more important to show LBS there is a life out there that doesn't include their MLCer.
If the MLCer ever does come out of it and decide to rejoin your world again, then great if you want it. But if they don't, then you should get to a point where that is just great too.
Standing is unhealthy if you're doing it for the wrong reason.
And it is definitely a personal decision. We (myself included) have a tendency to push too hard on what WE think a person should do or not do in that area.
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Maybe we push because those of us that have gotten to the other side (acceptance, moving on) realize what a better and healthier place it is.
Maybe it just hurts to watch those who seem stuck on the opposite side and continue to suffer and hurt when we know they can find a happier place if they would just open their eyes to it?
One day it just happens The lbs eems ready to move on maybe the time frame is different for each of us maybe outside circumstances affect this those they fall into a new R may move on quicker than those who dont I agree the choice is up to the person
I am grateful though that I have moved forward here I do not want my xh back any longer I never thought( 3 years ago) I would get to this point I also think it brings hope to the LBS that we do get better we eventually all seem to let go many of us start new and probably better R many of us seem to find peace and happiness peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I feel there are two steps for an LBS in ending the relationship and moving on.
Step 1- Accepting that the old marriage is over. Even if there is a reconciling, the marriage of old is dead. That is why I like the approach over here in MLC. By focusing on yourself, as opposed to forcing or controlling the overall situation, the issues that the LBS finds within themselves have been addressed. More so....those issues have been wiped out by consistency and habit. So in the new marriage or future relationships those old issues don't reappear. You have time to take ownership in the parts of the marriage that you might have been lacking instead of just saying it was all the WAS.
Down the road from that is;
Step 2- At this point you can make serious decisions about any future with the WAS. These decisions are based on a sound emotional footing. You can really ask yourself "Was the marriage that good?" or "Was my spouse really that good for me?", and of course "Will my future be better by completely letting it go?".
So I agree, there definitely is a point of no return. The issue is that a lot of people want to skip step 1. Blame everything on the WAS and take little or no ownership for their part of the marriage demise. I don't just mean lip service either...I mean real deep soul searching on one's part in the relationship. So without that soul searching they bring their past issues into the next relationship.
I agree with much that has been posted. I do want to point out that I agree that any choice in life is up to the individual. If someone wanted to dump ashes on their head and wear a sackcloth the rest of their life, it would be up to them. What I want to explore is when is it not a good choice to stand. People make their own choices, but it doesn't mean its right or good. We have all kinds of standers here, newbies trying to get a handle on everything, intermediaries who are waiting for the MLC to end, long term standers who are really stuck in life, and closet standers who profess to be making changes, but really haven't. I understand the need to stand, but why continue if after years, nothing has changed? Why continue if you are divorced and the MLCer has remarried? Unfortunately many stand to be martyr's, problem with that is, unless you are being a martyr for a worthwhile cause, no one really cares. I believe that many folks have such low self esteem that they really feel like they cannot be with anyone else. I'm not making fun of anyone by making that statement, on the contrary, I would love to see them get some help for themselves.
If your spouse has divorced you AND remarried another, and you still attach the label "stander" to yourself, I think there is significant and unhealthy denial taking place.
I don't mean to say that you have to move on and find another person or even get remarried yourself. But if your ex-spouse is now remarried, there cannot be anything healthy about continuing to THINK as though perhaps one day things will come around again.
Would a new divorce be right just in order to restore your previous marriage? Definitely hitting some grey areas there, at least for me.
Short of that scenario, I have no problem with anyone choosing to "stand" for their marriage. My hope would be that NO ONE would put their life on hold for someone who has walked away in a definitive manner. There is too much life out there to be lived and enjoyed to spend too long waiting for someone who is never even thinking about you.
However much we would like to think otherwise, sometimes people change their mind. My ex-wife told me for years that she shared my belief in marriage as a lifetime thing. Clearly she changed her mind about that. If I had put my life on hold, hoping that she would change her mind again, I would be stuck in the same place for nearly four years now.
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
