WAW/MLC/Runner

[Jasmine]

I don’t know where to begin. Jan 10th, 2009…I walked away. Packed it all up, H came home and I told him I was leaving him. He had no idea things were wrong even though the last three – five years I told him things were not right. I told him November 2008 that I was looking for my own apartment and hoped to be out on my own January 2009. He didn’t believe me or hear me or wanted to comprehend. My brother ended up passing away December 2008 so much more added stress which took me out of state to tend to funeral and what not.

The 3-5 years prior I had gained a lot of weight. Our marriage was based on common interests and activity. The verbal abuse of my weight gain and the nagging became tiresome. I had even resorted to triathlons to drop the weight to no avail. I became the pre-WAW, withdrew, started putting money away so I could leave. During this time I did not know at the time, but I was having an EA which then turned into a PA in Sept 08, which I am currently in and starting to come out of the fog.

In the past year I have filed for D in June, lived with OM and H. Back and forth four or five times. The last time I moved back to H, he was doing the groveling, begging and telling me he loved me, all common things NOT to do. I was back in the “night mare” and decided it was time to get out of all this. Last Friday was mediation day to “settle”. SHIAT, too easy. D is just too damned EASY. I feel I have put 110% into marriage with a self centered person. I TOLD him things were not going well. I TOLD him we needed counseling. I TOLD him if he didn’t pay attention to his wife, she would be gone. I TOLD him if he told me one more time if “you don’t like it you can leave” that I WOULD leave. I NEVER nagged, that I know of. Maybe I should have. He told me he has changed. He wanted to show me. He wanted me to give it an honest shot. I just couldn’t with all the “whining and groveling” he was doing. I’ve been in IC most of my married life trying to figure out what my problem was. Why wasn’t my marriage working out? My fault? Why do I truly feel that I haven’t done everything I could possibly do to save my marriage? Even though I DID the work? I went to the IC. I read the self help books on trying to save the marriage. WTF??

At the time I made my decision to leave my H, I had gotten WLS (weight loss surgery). OM was telling my how wonderful I was and beautiful I was w/o the surgery. Even tried to talk me out of the surgery. GEE who am I going to turn to? The H that has conditions of weight on the marriage or the OM that is full of compliments no matter what?

What brought me here? I was at a bookstore looking for a book on how to deal with the emotion of a divorce. What was next to that book I wanted? DR! I picked up DR and found the section on a WAW and just started BAWLING my eyes out and that has brought me to this forum.

There is NO OTHER person that I will find that will have the same common interests, activities, views on life, etc.

As it stands, I am living in another state with OM. I had no where else to go because H shut all credit cards off and closed checking accounts and wasn’t giving me spousal support. He wouldn’t give me any money till we saw the mediator and it was all in writing. (My option was to live with H or to opt out and go live with OM for I have NO family or friends in the area) If I ordered spousal support through the court that put us into litigation instead of mediation. All that’s left for D to be final is to get a listing of the assets, VIN #’s on vehicles, check to the mediator and our judgment will be typed up for us to sign and for it to go to the judge.

How do I work through all this? How do I get my H to give me one more shot? I will be calling for phone coaching.

[Jasmine]

I first posted this about a week ago in Newcommers. First Post (I don't know the best place to put this and don't want any confusion.) Since then I have been reading everything I can and processing.

For those of you that know about "why they run" can you provide more sources of information? I am desperately trying to figure out and as fast as I can, how and why and how to come out of being the runner AGAIN. I DO want to work on this with my H, but I don't want to run again.

The "fog" has been lifting from my current status since I have FINALLY been able to have separate time way from both H and OM. I do know I need to leave OM and I will. I am just trying to gather the funds to get me back to CA and in a month to month apt, close to H.

H doesn't know I want to get back together but the funny thing is, I believe our mediator does. She is dragging her feet on typing up the judgment, then again she did tell us she was taking a vacation.

I had a crappy IC. She was helping me to do the "push" of getting out of the marriage.

How do I get my H to do the 180 and go dark? I need him to stop being so passive. I need him to read DR but I don't know how to go about it.

Not sure what other information I can give.

[Lostforwords]

Jasmine,

The solution for any problems starts with the first step.

What is you first step?

I think you know....the decision you have is to take that step or keep finding reasons not to.

Therapists are a fickle bunch. Some agree with the patient completely such as the first few that my wife saw. The agreed with any she said and looked for problems outside the patient instead of addressing the patients problems. The problem with that is the therapist only see's the world through the eyes of the patient.

Example-My wife had given her therapist the impression that I was an unkept, short, fat, bald guy. While I am bald....I was not overly fat, definitely not short, and never unkept. The first time I met with her therapist alone...she was shocked at the difference between my wife's perception of the world and the reality of it.

I am concerned though.....the weight condition. I hate to be negative, but marriages based on conditions are usually very unhealthy. I do feel this is something that needs to addressed.

Welcome to MLC board....we do things different here, but I think you might like it:)

[job]

Jasmine,
As far as I am aware, there aren't any books that specifically address the running away. They simply state that it's guilt, shame and yes, wanting space and time to explore all avenues of life. The thread that I posted many years ago, was my own observations of what I had witnessed with several people close to me.

How old are you? What type of childhood did you have? Your posting sounds like you have self esteem issues. Have you had any indication that your husband wants to reconcile?

Jamine, you cannot expect your husband to do all of the work. When you aready to actually sit down and talk to your husband, you must understand that you will have to do some of the work as well. I do not mean just talking about it. You will have to prove to him that you are sincere and will be open w/him at all times. You cannot expect this man to be a mind reader.

If you want your husband to go dark, then stop accepting his phone calls and text messages. You may want to say that you need some time and space to actually figure out what you truly want and need in your life. However, you just understand, he may not wait on your forever. He may opt to move forward w/his life and actually enjoy being on his own. This is his journey as well.

Focus on yourself, work on yourself, look within and try to figure out why you are constantly bouncing back and forth between men. What does each one give you out of the relationship?

[Jasmine]

Jasmine,

The solution for any problems starts with the first step.

What is you first step?

My first step is to contact H and let him know I want to work on things. The reason not to? What you and Kimmie Lee have pointed out, the conditions of the marriage on the weight loss. Still trying to evaluate my R with H. As you said, unhealthy.

Therapists are a fickle bunch. Some agree with the patient completely such as the first few that my wife saw. The agreed with any she said and looked for problems outside the patient instead of addressing the patients problems.

I whole heartedly agree. Red flags every where on this one.

Welcome to MLC board....we do things different here, but I think you might like it:)

Thank you! I find you all to throw 2x4's and I need them.

[Jasmine]

Snodderly, Thank you.

I am 41. M passed away when I was 5. F remarried when I was 9. F passed away 5 years ago and I was estranged from him. Yep, daddy issues. Lost immediate family connections when F remarried. In the last few years, searched them all out and have reconnected with them.

"Ran away" from an old life (dad and step family) when I was 21. Met H. Ran away from him 20 years later.

Daddy Issues
Abandonment Issues
Self Esteem Issues

I know I cannot expect H to do all the work but he needs to do some of it. I've been in IC for over half of our M lives. I jumped up and down screaming we both needed to work on us prior to running from the M.

I really want to believe he is doing 180. No texts, emails or phone calls in a week from him. I have not contacted him either.

I am really working on myself.

[TrentC]

Jasmine:

For one, I want to wish you the best of luck on your journey. Your realizations that you are coming out of a fog and that you want to work on things with your H are a wonderful gift.

I want to make sure I understand the situation.

* You filed for divorce and are living with OM.
* Your husband wants you to come back, but is displaying all of the behaviors that we tell people not to do. (Crying, begging, etc.)
* You want to work on reconciliation.
* You have been doing IC but your husband has not. There has been no MC.

It sounds like one of the first things you can do when you get back is attend joint marriage counseling with him. This should give you a forum where you can safely discuss the issues YOU are having with the relationship. I would probably ask him to attend individual IC as well.

If you are both interested in working on the R, I would recommend attending a Retrouvaille weekend. It can do wonders for helping you two reconnect and learn to communicate better with each other. You can find out more information at http://helpourmarriage.org/

[TrentC]

I do know I need to leave OM and I will. I am just trying to gather the funds to get me back to CA and in a month to month apt, close to H.

If you want to show your H that you want to work on the marriage, that would be the first thing to work on -- ending that relationship.

H doesn't know I want to get back together but the funny thing is, I believe our mediator does. She is dragging her feet on typing up the judgment, then again she did tell us she was taking a vacation.

I suspect it's the latter. It's not really a mediator's job to help you guys work on your R.

[Jasmine]

Thank you Trent.

I whole heartedly agree on ending the A. I WILL do this first.

I want to make sure I understand the situation.

* You filed for divorce and are living with OM.
* Your husband wants you to come back, but is displaying all of the behaviors that we tell people not to do. (Crying, begging, etc.)
* You want to work on reconciliation.
* You have been doing IC but your husband has not. There has been no MC.

YES. MC came "a little too late" a year ago this May.

I don't think H would do Retrouvaille. I know he would do a 1-1 with Michelle. I am planning on a DB phone coaching sometime this week for just myself.

Question: Should I move back to our rental house with H? It's a three bedroom. Will stop all D proceedings which would help both of us financially. I just don't want to do this and then RUN again and put us both threw another slew of emotional rollercoaster rides. I guess that's the chance I take!

[job]

I personally think you need to be on your own, by yourself, for a while. You've been bouncing from man to man in this situation and you need some time to figure out who you are and want you really want.

Going back to your h right now will not solve your issues or his. You both need to sit down with a therapist separately and then jointly to figure out what are the issues. One of the most important issues I see is the way that you both may be communicating.

If you are not sure about the divorce, put it on hold until you both have figured out what it is that you want.