Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III)

[Ready2Change]

Well, Quotes Found on DB (2) locked, And I keep finding words of wisdom so new thread starting...


To agree or validate:

Always validate.

WAW: "I want a divorce and I will never love you again.
I found someone else and am madly and passionately in love with them. I would like you to let me go and not try to win me back in any way shape or form. Please leave me alone and don't try to disagree with me that you don't want a divorce because it won't make any difference. My mind is made up."

You can go ahead and try to validate that without agreeing and I will take my chances agreeing. Agreeing helps them to FEEL validated far far better. When you disagree not only do they not feel validated, but YOU don't feel validated.

How validated would you feel if you told your spouse "I don't want this divorce and I understand you do, but I want to try."

And she says."I understand you don't want the divorce and want to try, but I am done and strongly disagree with you that it can even be saved. I want out. Nothing you can say will change my mind. I do want you to know I understand your feelings." (which IS what most WAS's are actually saying with their words and actions)


OR... would you rather hear?:

Betrayed: "I don't want this divorce and will do whatever it takes to make this work. I am sorry for what I have done."

WAW: "I have heard what you said, and I agree with you. I think you are right and we should try and I agree that we should do whatever to make this work."

Either way can be called "validating" One way you FEEL validated and the other, not so much..



So, you can validate till the cows come home, BUT if the OTHER PERSON doesn't FEEL validated it means nothing. It isn't what YOU feel is validating,but what the person you are communicating with that needs to feel validated for it to be true validation.

There is a time to validate and a time to agree. Know when each is appropriate.

While working on busting the D, I feel it is better to agree. Validation is better when both are working on the R.

[Ready2Change]

The battle YOU need to win is NOT CARING if she does.

You need to be able to look in the mirror and say: "I deserve better than this. If SHE resorts to THAT LEVEL of disrespect then she doesn't deserve me"

I am sure there are at least a dozen women in your area who would NOT resort to this sort of thing in a crisis...

That's the MOST IMPORTANT thing in a mate, it isn't how big her boobs are or how wild she gets in bed... It's how mature they are in a crisis that's most important.

In this respect your wife's probably looking pretty ugly right now.

You need to be in a place emotionally where you can say "I am OK with things going either way... I will be fine"

Once I DID that, that's when my wife actually started to turn around...

[Ready2Change]

“Go by your Values and Beliefs, not Your Feelings”

Respond in a way that reflects your values and beliefs, not your feelings. Feelings are fleeting, can be manipulated, can be dysfunctional, situational and are a poor compass. As a Coach and a former military officer I know lots of ways to change how you are feeling. Prisons are full of people who went with their feelings.

To be a great DBer you need to be able to think. Detach and look at the situation in 360 degrees. State your goals (which are consistent with your beliefs) and come up with a plan of action. If your actions work keep doing it, if not try something new. Open your mind and don't let fear hold you back from acting.

If you love your spouse and let them go. It's not lying to do that, even though you don't feel that is the best thing to do. Understand your feelings, know why you feel the way you do and take healthy productive action based on your goals.

You have a choice in how you handle things. You can choose the path of love, self-respect, healthy communication, forgiveness and responsibility for your self. Or you can choose to be a victim, make others responsible for your feelings and let things happen to you. "Love your neighbor as yourself."

Don't let your feelings define you. Let your actions which is a sign of your character. Handle it.

[Ready2Change]

For the record, my position on "snooping," from my personal archives:


And that right there is the problem with deciding to gather intel ("snooping"). If you can handle it, if you can detach yourself to such an extent that you are more "hovering above" the marriage than emotionally in the MIDDLE of it . . . almost like a "game-playing" mode . . . then the information you can gather is invaluable.

However, if it's only going to serve to beat you down, and defeat you, then it's probably best not to do it.

In general, I'm only in favor of snooping when:

- you’re initially trying to confirm an affair;

- as a gathering of evidence for a "cause" legal action of adultery, or to help you make a decision about custody;

- to confirm no-contact, as part of a MUTUALLY-AGREED-UPON transparency plan;

- you are concerned about dissipation of marital assets, or a drug, gambling or alcohol addition, or some other behavior that might prove harmful to the family.

[Ready2Change]

Dan: "OK, I'm sure the kids will miss you, but this is probably for the best if I just take them. Look, I gotta run and (insert GAL activity here). I'll talk to you later."

Puppy

Do you see how this RESPONSE is validating your W's decision that D is the best answer? Do you see how this is not pursing behavior?

I see it. Still learning. I have to prepare for these situations better. After conversations, I always think, "I should have said ths, or I should have said that." I need to practice the outcomes before I get myself into these situations. I am not always so quick on my feet.

No big deal. So follow up with her, immediately, and say "You know, the more I think about it, there's really nothing to think about, and I don't mean to keep you hanging. I'm sure the kids will miss you, but this is probably for the best if I just take them. Look, I gotta run and (insert GAL activity here). I'll talk to you later."

[Ready2Change]

It's not about trust guys, its about safety.

I have often heard or seen women and men say "You have to trust me... Don't you trust me?"

When I was a kid 15 or so years ago that phrase was important and I was completely on side with that point... But NOW I see it a different way...

NOW when I hear "Don't you trust me?" or "We have to trust each other" I think

What he or she is SAYING is :

"I realize you are getting anxious that I am taking uncessary risks with our relationship. Despite how uncomfortable, anxious, and panicked you are about my contacting attractive men or women I am going to pursue that contact and I dont' care if you are uncomfortable... how much I enjoy myself is more important than your feeling safe in our marriage."

Now when I see a TV show or something and I hear people go on and on about the importance of trust in a relationship I just start calling Bullshite...

They aren't askign for trust, they are asking for their spouse to SUCK UP panic attacks so THEY can play fast and lose with their commitments... Not Cool

I do trust and I can. But My willingness to trust is parallel with my spouse's attention to taking safety measures.

If I am in a car with someone and they start to break a lot of traffic laws and speed.. .I will call them on it. If they say "Don't you trust me" I would just say

"I trust people who put the safety of themselves and others on the road first and foremost on their minds. YOu aren't doing that. I trust mature behaviour.. And I aint seein any here."

Marriages are no different than minding the rules of the road. If you want to get safely to your destination, you need to pace your vehicle and follow the rules of the road.

Trust isn't the issue, its how mature are they to the rules of safe driving and marriage.

People who play fast and loose with rules, can't be trusted and shouldn't be.

R2C, you need to STICKY that sucka into your "Quotes" thread!!!


Puppy

[SunnyD]

I love that you post these...I find them extremely helpful esp when I need the confidence boost!

[Ready2Change]

Leaving her a card, treats, and having phone sex with her right after she cops to all of her infidelity is your idea of "taking it slow?"

Go back and read your post, CP. Look at what it is she's responding to: tough legal stance, putting yourself out there to other women, your distance.

I'm glad she's putting a stay on the D and asking you back, but I'll be blunt: you only get ONE shot at this critical stage of it, and I'll tell you what nearly EVERYONE does wrong at this point:

They immediately go all "melty-man."

She has to EARN her way back, and you need to be ready with what your list of boundaries are for when she asks "What will it take?"

DO NOT WAVER.

Puppy

[Ready2Change]

Would a written letter or email about no contact be good? It's something tangible that she can read over and over again. Or would that come off as spineless and weak? Idk, have a lot of studying to do!

E-mails are weak.

Best to say in-person, and then FOLLOW UP with an e-mail, confirming what was said.

Puppy

[Ready2Change]

I had an idea QS.

Some of your friends know your wife has filed...

Can you get a female to call your house up pretending to be interested in you and leave your wife to answer?

You want to tell your wife "No, you just tell her I am not interested unless my divorce is final. I am not talking to other women right now."

And when she hangs up and asks why this woman is calling :

"My idiot friend knows how difficult you are being about all this and its trying to set me up to make me feel better. That won't and I know it. I am honoring my commitments and I don't need female interference right now. I have projects on the go here anyhow."

I dunno... something like that... Just to see what kind of reaction she offers up...