Here is my painful story. My wife and I are currently married 8 years in a few days, together for nearly 12. We have 4 kids, 6, 5, 3, 16mos. I have to start out with how this all started. When we were dating almost 11 years ago, I cheated on her with my Ex wife, who I had been with for 6+ yrs. We were not married and I met with ex to see if I had feelings before I moved on in our relationship so I wouldn't constantly question myself. I knew right away, I wanted to be with my current, but ex jumped me and I did not stop it. I felt horrible, but felt it was right to tell her what I did. I told her the next day, and explained how bad I felt for hurting her and understood if she left. She chose to stay.
Things were great and we were truly in love for years. I still am and have been 100% faithful in our marriage. About 3 years into our marriage, my wife cheated on me with a coworker... French kissing only she claimed, but stated that was not cheating. I believe it resulted from resentment over my mistake. She actually mentioned him, but lied about what happened, 6mos later told me that they kissed, not sure if that was all at that point. I had a hard time trusting her, but eventually did forgive her and moved on for the most part. About a year after that incident she was on MySpace and had added a guy, I was obviously not trusting then and suspicious... I was correct as she too kissed him, another coworker at a seperate job. So the trust issue arose again. Was harder, but did well. It would come up on occasion, but usually when she brought up my mistake, and I retaliated. Eventually I for the most part forgot about it. I worked alot of overtime for 3 years straight and left her alone during that time I should note, not to justify it. She did want me home, but I was blind and continued to work and did pay off the house as a result so we could enjoy a family free from $ worries. Great job on our financial foundation, but overall I'd say HUGE mistake! I regret doing it now since it caused resentment to set in and played a part in getting me here.
My wife did not want a 3rd baby, but did and stated to me after in 2007 was when she started not to have feelings for me. I wanted a 4th baby, she did not, but had 4th in 2009 and is REALLY angry at me, bacause as she regularly states that having all the kids ruined her life... Obviously I know she loves them, but feels locked in. She began to withdraw from me more, less affection, less connection, depressed, began to threaten divorce literally every week. Began creating her own little circle of friends. She would always say I feel caged, trapped. She kept complaining about everything, I'd fix a problem, she'd find a new one. I stopped working as planned, and began to focus on her and try to make up for my lack of being there. Began to take on the majority of house chores, to reduce her stress, cared for the children 50% or more at times, went out more, planned more trips, allotted for more spending money for her. Seriously everything you can think of that goes wrong in a marriage, I fixed. She would still continue to threaten divorce. In the past year, she asked for a nanny and a cleaner and I was like, that's enough of this. She even told me, she wanted to see how far she could push me and how much I'd give. She began to really get mean and mentally cruel. Told me I was not attractive anymore, degrading comments, name calling, verbal outbursts if I even spoke sometimes. I was not perfect either, I called names and argued, but was frustrated by her conduct and lack of effort. She claimed I was there for her for 3 years, but says nothing of my hard work for past 3 years and her lack of being there for me. She said her just being present was trying enough, and I should be happy she even stayed. I can see the rage in her eyes. She began to tell me she didn't love me anymore and did not want to be in a marriage. She said marriage was too hard and she just wanted to be free. I would calm her and talk her into staying. I think it just made her more angry. She began to say I was obsessed with her, I told her I value marriage and would never give up on her or the kids. She would begin to try then quickly change her mind and start treating me poorly again, yelling almost always if we discussed us or any issue really. She began to say I was controlling and bossy. She felt like she was living with her parents. I had become assertive, because she would not make decisions, so I took over that role. I probably was bossy and controlling, but not intentionally, and did actually put an effort to stop making her feel that way. Then everytime I disagreed or had an opinion, she called me controlling. It was out of control, she was the bully and controller now, has been for past year or two. This past year I was perfect in her own words, but she looked at me as a "great friend" not as a lover. She began to bring up my mistake again, which usually meant she was cheating. I questioned her, she said she was talking to another coworker, but not like that. I suspected she was lying based on her obvious action and protection of her surgically attatched Iphone. I knew she was lying one day when I came home and she insisted I go to bed, red flag. I did take her phone and walked out of the house. I found out she was texting OM as I stood there... Telling him she would text after I went to bed. He was her supervisor and also married with two kids, and his wife was pregnant with their third. I was blown away, I had trusted her a third time and felt like a fool. She said it was an emotional affair only and just started talking to him the month before. I don't buy that, but had no proof, just obvious texts indicating intention. I posted their texts on his FB account on her and sent his wife an email of it all. Childish, perhaps, but I had to destroy that relationship... Not sure now if I succeeded she claims I did. She was bitter that I destroyed her reputation, I wondered, which one? Your fake one or the real one? I asked if they talked after that, and she said they only talk at work re work... I think he ended it because his wife snapped. My wife angrily said to me one night, "well I don't talk to him now because you ruined that!" I was like WOW my apologies for recking a relationship you tried to establish in OUR MARRIAGE! Her thinking unreal. So things obviously got heated, I begged, and I cried. I worked out and lost nearly 75 lbs. to become more appealing, felt worthless. As I cried, she would say things like, " that's what you get for falling for someone", "It's over just get it through your Fn head". She could have left anytime, but think she wanted to force me to leave so she didn't look bad. She began getting very aggitated by my will to save us, SCREAMING at the kids, shouting profanity at them. I would tell her not to treat them that way, she would say there you go bossing me around. I told her I was recording her so she'd stop... Helped. I still try to save our marriage, for my kids mainly but also, and I don't know why, out of love for her.
She would tell me she wanted to try, then be distant... Back and forth back and forth... Basically lying to me. She told me she talked to an attorney, and planned to file. I got an attorney and filed before her... Silly I know, but I felt I had been a great husband and did nothing wrong and couldn't live with her being the petitioner on public record (accessible to view here on line), when she was the cheater and the unstable one. She was angry, because she felt it would make her look bad.
We started counseling, I understood it was to save our marriage, she's just going for her sake because a friend suggested she should. I agree, she needs too for my kids sake, but be honest with me. We are both still activly going and will continue after. She has still been distant giving hugs she's sure to mention are "friend" hugs. We do have sex, but she has stated it's because she just wants to or feels sorry for me, not because she loves me. It's so cruel and hurtful the things she says. She said she can't wait till it's over so she can get her own place and buy her own things. She told me we could date eachother during the counseling but wanted to still proceed toward divorce... I'm certain to give me false hope to keep things calm between us as we still today live in same home. During that time she tells me she's going out with work friends and the OM will be there, I said I'd rather she didn't, she said you need to trust me and stop controlling and she went. I was hurt and HUMILIATED and we argued about that one.
We've gone on trips, regular outings to eat, over and over, but no change... Still cold and cruel. I'd try to talk about us, give affection, spend time with her, just talk to her at all... She said i was smothering her, freaking her out, up her butt. So I decided to Go Dark, I stopped initiating contact, kept things brief but was nice, no affection unless she initiated, no relationship talk. I came home from work and went right to bed... She came in our room a little bit later crying wondering why I was ignoring her and why I hate her so much. I told her she was the one who didn't want me around her, or talking to her, and I didn't understand why when I respected her wish she was mad about that too. I can't win, she won't allow it! As soon as I stop hurting, she steps in to cause me pain, she gives me hope and then questions why I'm not getting the fact that it's over. She is committed to destroying this marriage and me so she can start over with her new life. She doesn't shed a tear and treats me like a dog, avoids coming home if she can, because the house reminds her of us and probably how mean she's been. I think she is so cold, heartless and cruel because it makes it easier for her to walk away, but I am a good person... Really... regardless, no human should be treated this way. She said she's not a mean person, but wants me to understand it's over. It's like not wanting a puppy, but instead of just walking away, you beat it with a hammer as it yelps in pain, looking up at you with sad eyes just wanting to be loved, but you continue to beat it over and over until it is too broken to even crawl back or crawl away.
Another reason why it's easy to go, shell get about 100k and walk away from house repairs, the dog, bill commitments, everything stressful, including parenting responsibilties. Even though we will have 50/50 placement and custody I will do all the parenting because Ill have then from 2pm till bedtime, I don't mind, I love them it's just hard alone... She works then. Her day is get kids ready in morning and drop off at schools then she has one baby until 2pm when she goes to work, and baby takes 2hr nap. She's already free! I told her not to get tricky on placement, she said I don't want them more than 50% of the time? At one point she considered giving me full custody, but changed her mind because she thought she'd look like a bad mother. She's got to have a mental condition. I can't believe the things she says and does. It's like I'm married to a stranger... Sadly I still work at it.
We now sleep in separate areas, she informed me it's over, she's move on and so should I. She avoids the house now when I'm there, barely spending 5 minutes as we pass eachother going to work, etc. She does still invite me to all things including the kids, but SO HARD for me!!! It kills me to see how happy she is, like she enjoys my misery, she feels powerful almost. She is talking to multiple other men, "not like that" she claims, doubt that... she said that before and got caught lying. She says it's none of my business and it's not... Hurts but I'm trying to cope.
Said our date planned for our anniversary is now just a date as friends, and to just leave her alone!
I've been devestated, stomped on, humiliated, disrespected, mentally abused. How could she treat me that way? All the years I gave, despite some mistakes, the father of her children. Should I remain friends or even try? I feel if I do, then she gets it both ways. She will invite me to things with the kids, but probably because 4 kids is too much for her to handle alone. Do I just be friendly and civil, or just say go to hell after how she's treated me? I'm trying to consider the kids, but this lady is something. It is as hard for me to be her friend as it is has been for her to try to be my wife!
She says we will probably get along better after the divorce, and maybe we will get back together some day. It seems unlikely, but she says it's not impossible. Today she told me her whole family hates her because I told them my story... BTW the truth! They disagree with her and she is furious that they may think she's a cold person to me and our kids for walking out on me. She actually asked me to tell our kids and everyone else that the reason WE decided to end the marriage was because we wanted different things. I told her, I filed because she was not faithful and I felt helpless, because she refused to try. She was FURIOUS! Sorry, but I refuse to lie so she feels better about what she did!
I truly don't think I'll ever have a chance based on her current thinking, she says it'll never be the same between us! Advise me what to do now?
have to start out with how this all started. When we were dating almost 11 years ago, I cheated on her with my Ex wife, who I had been with for 6+ yrs. We were not married and I met with ex to see if I had feelings before I moved on in our relationship so I wouldn't constantly question myself.
I got this far and decided you aren't being completely honest with yourself. Either that or you have some dysfunctional ideas about love and commitment.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
You have to start out being honest. It's a long post that begins with the proposition about sleeping with a former lover as a means of deciding if you have feelings for them so that you know if you are ready to commit to a new lover.
That is either the poster not being honest with themself, or they need to look into what is "love" and what is "commitment".
It is not cruel. It is blunt and true.
I'd start there: be honest with myself or re-examine these concepts.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Yes I know it was a long post, but needed to get it out. As for my mistake at the beginning, I was younger and dumber that's all I can say. Still have regret. I take alot of punishment because I do love her and want us to be a WHOLE family for the kids. I don't intend to discuss R anymore. I've decided to let her initiate conversations, planning to be nice, brief, and try to appear happy. Trying to GAL, but hard with 4 kids. She has been Inviting me to all outing with kids, to the park, zoo, anything, she wants to go as a family, usually on days she has all of them... I know she gets stressed out with them all. I love spending every moment with the kids and love feeling like a family, but it's too painful after it's over because I still love her and want our family badly. It's also a bit upsetting to see her act as if I don't matter, it's like she enjoys being wanted by me and feel a sense of control over me. She recently said no more sex, think she feels used or guilty. But should I say no to ALL affection even if she initiates?
Do not go to family get togethers with her any more. If there is agraduation or some other event that only happens once then go.
But if she's asking you to go to the zoo then say you already have other plans.
Quote:
But should I say no to ALL affection even if she initiates?
Yes
DO not get physical.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
She has been Inviting me to all outing with kids, to the park, zoo, anything, she wants to go as a family, usually on days she has all of them... I know she gets stressed out with them all.
What does she think she's going to do if your marriage ends?
SHE NEEDS TO LEARN TO MISS YOU, and to learn to deal with being a single parent. If you continually "rescue" her from these opportunities to struggle, you are doing neither her, NOR you, any favors.
