It has come to my attention that some people on this message board are strongly suggesting advice that runs counter to my Divorce Busting philosophy and practice- the notion of exposing a spouse's affair to family members. While this plan may be helpful to one couple, it would completely backfire in other marriages. I have worked with many couples where the betrayed spouse revealed all the information to friends and family with extremely detrimental outcomes. First, when the unfaithful spouse discovered this had happened, he or she decided to file for divorce and it became a final decision. Secondly, there are those situations where the couple began to heal from the infidelity and get their marriage back on track, but the family members undermined the couples' efforts and even "disowned" the betrayed spouse. This made life-long commitments after infidelity a very challenging outcome because few people like giving up their family and friends. So, while I do believe that betrayed spouses need support from loved ones when dealing with such a distressing situation, it is ESSENTIAL that the information about the affair be shared CAREFULLY and with full recognition about the possible risks. I always recommend that, if information is shared, the person with whom it is shared is marriage-friendly, even in the face of infidelity. Nonetheless, it's still important to recognize potential risks.
Additionally, several people have contacted my office feeling that they had been personally attacked for not following this sort of advice. This community was started many years ago and we rarely get such complaints. Confronting others by calling names or pressuring them will not be tolerated. These tactics are not reflective of the Divorce Busting spirit.
I truly appreciate you taking the time to offer your opinion on this. I am one that exposed my husband's affair. He is closer than ever to OW and making plans to become a family with her. Can you or someone on your staff recommend how to rectify the possible damage done due to exposure?
Me:38 H: 45 OW:34 S:4 Bonus S: 12 and 16 2nd M for both Together 12 yrs M: 6 EA suspected: 5/10 confirmed: 7/2/10 Separated: 8/12/10
Not on anybody's staff, but I do have a partial opinion on this.
I don't know how or who you exposed to, so you're going to need to provide those details.
As for the general idea of exposing only the facts to those who will support your marriage, what was supposed to happen if you did that?
It was supposed to bring the affair "into the light" and eliminate all the excitement of the sneaking around and cheating. Done.
It was more than likely supposed to drive them closer together so that they began to deal with more real-world problems. Done.
If you have been just complaining non-stop to your own family members, then stop it. That's what you do.
The whole idea was "only the facts" from the onset.
Once you have exposed, you go into the protection phase: protect yourself emotionally, financially and spiritually. GAL is good for the first and last, and I am not familiar enough with your situation to know if you must do more to protect yourself financially.
Work on yourself now. If your spouse is willing to end the affair, then you have a new development.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
That's really where I am - the GAL stage. I have some great friends that are helping me with this. It's been hard not to obsess over this. But I am getting a little better. No I'm not...who am I kidding? I think about this 24/7! I've at least become numb to it, but I can't stop thinking about it. I do think I'm doing better about not talking about it all the time. I try to focus on what is going on in the other person's life versus what is happening in mine. This week I have a VERY active schedule that is going to force me to be better detach. But I haven't stopped checking his email several times per day (I have his password) and reading all of the emails going back and forth between him and OW talking about how much they love each other, how they are each other's soul mates, how she can't wait to take his name! I know this isn't helping me move on, but I've convinced myself I need the intel to prove the affair to have a greater financial gain in the D.
Me:38 H: 45 OW:34 S:4 Bonus S: 12 and 16 2nd M for both Together 12 yrs M: 6 EA suspected: 5/10 confirmed: 7/2/10 Separated: 8/12/10
But I haven't stopped checking his email several times per day (I have his password) and reading all of the emails going back and forth between him and OW talking about how much they love each other, how they are each other's soul mates, how she can't wait to take his name!
Is there some reason you keep reading his email? Sounds like a way to stay in pain. Doesn't sound like protecting yourself
Last edited by TimeHeals; 10/05/1010:10 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
So true - I know I have to stop reading it. It's like some freaky addiction. Again, I tell myself it's intel for the D case but I'm not sure I need much more to be honest.
I will work on it. It's been almost 2 months since he left. I don't know what a typical time line is for this kind of thing but I do think it's fairly normal from everything I've written. I think until I truly GAL I won't be able to stop what I'm doing. Does that makes sense? Seems like you are saying stop monitoring his life so I can live mine, but I think it has to happen the other way around.
This site being down was actually a really good thing for me believe it or not.
Me:38 H: 45 OW:34 S:4 Bonus S: 12 and 16 2nd M for both Together 12 yrs M: 6 EA suspected: 5/10 confirmed: 7/2/10 Separated: 8/12/10
Seems like you are saying stop monitoring his life so I can live mine, but I think it has to happen the other way around.
Umm... you are living your life, but... it's all about him and monitoring him. You won't have a different life until you stop that.
If you have your evidence, if you have protected yourself financially and legally, then it's time to stop making things not legal and not financial about him at all... unless things change (he ends the affair).
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
no reason to keep stalking his info. You have the intel you need if D is what is going down. You have the password. If you have a L ask them what info they need but seems as if the A is already proved so...this is just punishment and sabataging yourself. Maybe you are still a little in denial?? If your h ever wanted to recon, how would you get all this out of your head?
The images and words are going to stay in your mind and heart and no matter what happens to your m, whether it ends b/c of this, or he wants back in, you are sabataging your own recovery and healing. Doesn't seem like a good idea.
I do think your point about you GAL being helpful makes sense. But don't use that as a stalling tactic to justify the continued self inflicted wounds. I strongly believe You do NOT need this info. If you really have a legal question about it, ask your L. But once an A is proved or admitted, is there really any gain to be had by more evidence of it? Isn't this only relevant if you're suing for div based on fault? The main thing now is to just stop. How? Some people are helped by Doing the stop sign image in their mind, so every time the image comes up of them together, then put a STOP SIGN in your mind and change topics....find a "happy place" within and go there. Many have been where you are and have recovered, but not by reading emails between spouses and OPs every day. Learn from them. GAL, detach, focus on you and your future and imagine life without him but with some positive images in there. It's really important not to focus only on the loss aspects. Good luck, j
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I truly appreciate you taking the time to offer your opinion on this. I am one that exposed my husband's affair. He is closer than ever to OW and making plans to become a family with her. Can you or someone on your staff recommend how to rectify the possible damage done due to exposure?
This guy cheated on you...and you're wondering how to repair the damage done by your exposure of his infidelity? What about the damage that HE has done? Rarely, if ever, does the truth cause problems. How much of a 'free pass' should these cheaters be given? It's not OK what he did, and his infidelity is about a zillion times worse than your exposure of it.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
