Long story, short, because I've been spending too much time on this site today when I should be... ahem.... working! A lot has happened and trying to condense it all in one post may put a lot of items all over the place but I will attempt to give you an idea of what happened and where we are now:
One day I reached my point when enough was enough, you will know it when it happens to you.
I kicked her out of the home, I packed her things, I put the boxes in one of our two vehicles, I told her that she wasn't welcome in the family home anymore, I called her parents, told them that she was going to be living with them from now on and my wife hated that, she cried the entire time.
I told her "when I first met you, you lived at your parent home, you've become a kid again and children should live with their parents. I'm not your parent and I told feel like taking care of you anymore, you are not welcome in this home where I live."
The truth was she had affairs, plural, I found out about them because waiting for her at that point in the game was useless, I truly believe a cheating spouse in that frame of mind would hold on to those secrets as long as they could (till their very last breath if necessary). My reaction would be likened to a personal form of organized "batshitcrazy", it was the appropriate response. I shut down the "old" rob and booted up the "new" rob who was configured with a new set of operating parameters and new way of dealing with things because the "old" rob, for lack of a better description, couldn't get the job done.
After sending her to her parents for what she thought was a short temporary period of time, I continued to put whatever I could find of her's in boxes and place them in the driveway, she made excuses as to why she couldn't pick them up so I ended up delivering them to her parent's home (they weren't pleased). They were extremely angry at me because at the time they didn't know that she had cheated on me. Honestly, I expected that they would support her, it only makes sense that you take care of your children when you are a parent. I filed for legal separation, I petitioned for joint/shared custody and I got it (easily!), the children's principle residence remained at our home. I stopped helping her with picking up the children when she had a work schedule conflict, she had to start relying on her parents and that didn't go so well as she had started fighting with them. I stopped inviting her to things I did with the kids. We swapped the children every week. I stopped answering every text, I stopped being lulled into every fight or argument should could come up with, I stopped answering the phone, whenever she needed to speak with me, i was usually too busy. I told her of my plans to sell the home the following year (we stayed in the home because we had just moved in and done some extensive renovation work and the children love their home and their bedrooms and honestly I stayed because I decided I was going to stay and leave when I wanted), once I moved out of the home, I would file for divorce. I enrolled the children into counseling to deal with issues related to having separated/divorced parents, I enrolled them in sunday school and brought them every sunday (religiously!) ;-), I got them involved in school programs and sports, I got involved with coaching and actually started playing soccer again, we (the kids and I) went out a lot more, I started dating and had a blast. I made use of the gym membership and got into great shape, took care of myself, worked my butt off at the job but made sure I always had time for my kids and generally life became really... AWESOME!!! I didn't expect this to be the happiest part of my life but it's actually what happened. My wife on the other hand fell into a major depression, and dealt with issues associated with that coupled with her living at home, having to work full-time now and having to pull her weight at home with her parents because they stopped treating her like a princess. Real life finally set in for her, along with credit card debt, less than ideal physical health, being overwhelmed on the weeks that she had the kids. These WAS's don't get a chance to experience the reality of a separation/divorce until you decide to give them that reality. She even mentioned a few times that she never thought that this is how things would work out, that she never knew that what she did would cause so much trouble for herself, the kids, me, etc. She started to go to personal counseling quite a bit. She even asked me to go with her a few times, she was very depressed and needed to be with the counselor to have the strength to tell me the truth about what had happened, what she had done, and how sorry she was, how much she missed me, how much she loved me, how she didn't understand how she could do what she had done, she even said something to the effect that she almost felt like a different person (aliens/bodysnatchers anyone?) when she had had the affairs. She couldn't believe what she had done. The previous "me" would have gone all "melty man" and gotten emotional during these sessions and asked her to try again and go to marriage counseling but this time I didn't. I told my wife's counselor that if she thought it would help my wife get through the separation and divorce by my being there and listening to her during a few of these sessions, I would do my part to help her get through this process and move on with her life and hopefully learn from her mistakes in her next relationship. Well I tell you, when I said that to the counselor with my wife in the room, you would think someone was being murdered with all the yelling, scream and torrents of tears and crying. It was an experience, she pleaded, cried, begged, grasped at me, begging for forgiveness and asking for me to take her back and that she would do anything & everything for me to take her back. I told her that I couldn't do that and I left that session shortly afterwards so that she could calm down and deal with what she was going through. I didn't rescue her, I didn't offer to try again with her, nothing. I was pretty much emotionless at that point, I was surprised myself by my own reaction and I saw myself in her when this all happened: weak, vulnerable, scared, needy. I was honestly repulsed by her, I remember being so angry that she could reject me so easily when this all started but now I could see what she might have been feeling because when she was acting the same way, I didn't want to be near her. I went to several other sessions with her, still making it clear that I wouldn't reconcile with her. She continued to text msg and call me regularly, she would show up at church when I had the kids and ask if she could take us out for lunch or supper and to a movie or she would arrange some other family event and I found it hard to turn her down all the time, I'm not a machine, I'm just like anybody else, even I get affected by misty eyes pooling up with tears, we have a long history, I couldn't negate the good portion of that history completely. She would show up in the mornings at school and bring me a coffee when I'd be dropping the kids off, she would bring me a bite to eat at soccer games & practices, she would make surprise dinners for us, she would come to my soccer games on the weeks that she had the kids and come watch me play, she would pitch out and help at home on the weeks that I had the kids and I would agree sometimes to let her come over and see the kids and tuck them in at night. She would offer neck and back rubs even when I said things like "I'm not sure this is a good idea, we shouldn't be doing this", "I feel like I'm taking advantage of you when you do these nice things, I don't won't to give you false hope, etc." but she persisted, "don't worry about it, I'm just trying to be nice and help". Sometimes I would say no thank you, sometimes I would let her, It wasn't easy and I wasn't easy. Where as before I was a sex crazed animal (and she knew it), now I controlled myself and even though she offered and seemingly tried to trick me into having sex, I didn't succumb to it like I would normally. I was actually impressed with myself, I had self-control, I wasn't needy, I wasn't some love sick puppy who would cave in just because of sex. During the entire process I was changing quite a bit and she would see it just as she was changing as well. I originally was the one writing letters, emails, txting like crazy when this whole process began (and then I stopped) and now she's the one constantly emailing, txting (OY VAY!), she writes letters (hand written), cards, notes, I have rec'd flowers at work, cupcake cakes (cake made out of cupcakes if that wasn't clear), she pursues and I allow her to and things are much better now. For several months she pursued when I completely rejected her and she still didn't stop and after a few months, I finally agreed to go to some trial marriage counseling sessions but I made it clear that I was going "with no guarantees", that "this was just to help us communicate better since we had children to co-parent". It allowed us to talk about things without focusing too much on problems. I've learned (contrary to what you see in these forums) to not talk so much when it's not necessary and listen a lot more, she's very sensitive and I've learned that sometimes my sense of humor could be interpreted in a wrong way and hurt her feelings and I was oblivious to this before and I know it now, she constantly repeats how important it is to put your spouse as you number one priority in your life above your friends and family (whereas before I was never at the top of her list, her family: parents, siblings, cousins, friends, etc.always took top spot), she says she sees this with her friends that have good marriages, the spouses know that they are priority, she says she realizes that people in loving relationships take care of each other, not because they have to but because they want to and she realizes that we didn't do this a lot previously. We both have realized many revelations during this entire process, I personally was more of a mouse than a man when this all started, I never took care of myself, I never stood up for myself, was too quiet before, never commanded respect or enforced boundaries, I just took what I could get because I thought that was all I deserved. I previously believed that life was just about going to work and paying bills and just surviving (like so many others still do), I didn't realize that life could be more fun thriving instead of just surviving. I realized that if we divorced that I could easily meet other women and form new relationships, I previously didn't believe this was possible for me aka "I'll never find anyone else". When I started taking care of myself, getting a life, stopped focusing on her, stopped pursuing her, started pursuing my own life, started being ambitious with my abilities and what I could do and accomplish, that is when things ultimately changed. When I finally started dating other women (again, personal choice, you all have to do what works for you, I'm just saying that this worked for me), a few things happened, I enjoyed the feeling of external validation (which can be very addicting) and attention from other women, it was like a new experience for me, I never believed I would ever find another woman and in fact, the opposite of this statement was true. Dating became TOO busy, I'm not a gigolo and I didn't hump every skirt I came in contact with, I have self control but it was obvious to me that finding someone else in my new improved present condition wouldn't be an issue. Even some of her friends that she no longer maintained started showing an interest in me, she would ask questions, make comments, appear jealous/angry, make rude comments about these same girl friends that she used to hold in high regard and why? Because they were interested in me and they knew we were separated, I wouldn't have believed it was possible until I experienced it firsthand. None of this was difficult, in fact it was almost too easy, I had choices now (where previously I believed I didn't), my eyes opened to the fact that previously I limited my personal existence by being negative, narrow minded and having a mindset based on scarcity - all these thing contributed to making me unattractive to myself and my spouse. Now though, it's a different story.
Fast forward to today, we see each other regularly, we date, I will not become Mr.Wussy man ever gain, a trip is being planned for the winter months, somewhere hot/tropical and I'm being treated (another new experience), we go to marriage counseling, my wife pays for it (and it isn't cheap), she says it's a worthwhile investment in someone she loves and doesn't mind paying for it (which is good to hear), she painfully admitted the truth of what she had done (re: affairs) to her parents and that started a slew of other issues, she ended up staying with some other family the weekend she told them the truth because they kicked her out of their home (that was unexpected).
I continue to maintain my individuality, I still go out with friends, play soccer, gym, etc. I think a few marriage issues are related to always being "there", some space is required. I have my own life and personal time and she has own and she is getting better, her depression is greatly improved and she is being weaned off her medication (which makes me happy, I'm not a fan of AD meds or any medicine that messed up brain chemistry). Our children (which are very beautiful btw) are very happy, the happiest they've been in a very long time, they were pretty young when the "$hit" hit the fan, I think this process hurt them more than any of us, my daughter developed anxiety and breathing problems (almost like asthma but not asthma but she does have an inhaler for emergencies), my son would have stomach problems, sometimes wet his bed and sometimes have accidents at school too when previously he had never had issues like this and both had nightmares regularly. The past few months have seen many changes and many improvements with them (which makes us very happy), my daughter is very happy to "have her family back again", we're not 100% there yet but I'm in no rush and we are all doing very well.
What approach accomplished all of these changes? It was the tough love, no more bull$hit approach. It was the "get the f!@#$ out now!", "you don't live here anymore" approach - which is something I previously would never have done. It was the "there's a 1000 other women out there and only one of me" approach and actually meaning it. It was the agreeing with her affair and telling her "you should be with him, give me a call, maybe he'll hook up with you again now that I don't want you anymore, let's see if he still wants you..." approach, it was the "you aren't the only one who can find someone else" approach and following through on that and giving them fear of loss, fear of loss works, not as a temporary tactic but when it's done for real. Crisis motivates people to action, fear of loss is crisis.
Pursuing, gift buying, passive, non-argumentive, clingy, needy, nice guy tendencies didn't work and honestly they never will for anyone. I personally went from being needy, weak and wussy man like to being an ultra hard a$$ before I found my happy medium, I had to go from one extreme to another before I found where I needed to be for me. My wife respects me now where as before she didn't, the respect was established because I finally understood that respect is a requirement above all else, there can be no love between spouses unless respect is in place. An understanding of attraction between men & women is also important, taking responsibility for my actions and my wife taking responsibility for her actions was also key in our current progress.
That's the update and I'm literally pooped from typing this all out, I could easily type up a hundred more pages to all of this because it could be written and scripted into a movie.
If you have any questions please feel free to ask them.
You will notice that sometimes I'm on the forums regularly and sometimes I'm absent for a decent period of time. I have found that part of the healing/recovery process requires us to sometimes take a break from this site. I endeavor to continue giving back as much as I can to the site because this was a valuable resource for me during this process.
If you have any questions please feel free to ask them
You said she had A's, did you get that info from her?
Was the "not as bad as you think" really bad?
How are you coping with the inforamtion?
I know my W had a PA with OM after we separated. It was my turning point. I felt everything you did and acted like you when I had enough. All the feelings about not finding some else, being a great dad for the kids, getting involed more with activities...
I realized too that I was a good catch and OW wanted to date me the 2nd and 3rd time. Life was awesome. I was truely OK with W leaving.
The only difference I see is my W physically left a year ago. I couldn't do the toughlove the way you did.
I decided to push for mediation, the selling of the house and such. It wasn't until the reality of mediation she then called me to work on things. I didn't bite, I was so calm and collective during that phone convo.
That was a month ago. I continued moving forward with my own life. She has not called or approached me to talk again.
So I contacted the mediator yesterday to push through our agreement so I can take it to file.
I am not bluffing. It seems when faced with the crisis and the reality of our sitch, my W takes action.
I will not go back to melty man either. I need to know she's willing to do the work. I would like an apology from her and her to persue me. She hasn't done anything yet.
I don't know what she's waiting for but I am going to continue to move on.
Thanks again, gr8
Last edited by gr8 day 2B alive; 10/20/1002:03 PM.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
