By the sound of what she is saying this split is a temporary situation until I can show her my changes, she has never mentioned divorce and never pushed that I sell the house, so I guess its all down to me now to show her the changes in me.
DC,
I don't think this is a healthy way of looking at this. This is very one-sided, and (if I'm understanding DBing correctly), wouldn't this kinda be "pursuing," since everything you're doing, you're trying to do to win her back?
From what Coach, Robx, Pinhead, and some of the others have been saying, I think you're supposed to used this time apart to BE A BETTER DCSUK, and you should do it FOR yourself, not "to show her."
If she senses that you're doing these things "for show," it won't work.
Starsky
Yes.
Don't get me wrong, it's fine to hope that what you do leads you back into a happy relationship. But detaching from the outcome is the key to being happy no matter what occurs. Do the changes you like, that make you the best version of DCSUK you can be. Continue to be a great father. Don't have any expectations about outcomes, plan for all possible/realistic outcomes.
You have choices. When you have choices, you have freedom to direct your life where you will be happy.
I totally agree with what you are saying, the changes have to be for me, and for my benefit.
But the best change that can happen to me is my wife being with me, I understand that is not within my control, but that is what I would like, so it might come across wrongly in my writing.
I just have to keep doing what I'm doing, my kids love being with me and I love being with them, surely any mother would see this and want a "family" back together?
If not I just carry on being the best father I can be to them, the best person I can be, and hopefully I will look like the husband that she wants to be with.
Thanks for your thoughts guys it really helps and keeps me straight mentally.
Well she has been in touch today about money matters, sorted that out, she then asked me for more money for extra things for the kids, she mentioned I must have money as I went out on Saturday!!
I told her that I was still sorting everything out, she had all this planned while I have had it just dropped on me, that this was her decision and I was working out what I was going to do and I have my own life.
No answer!!!
She has to realise that she has left me, and she cannot just expect me to keep putting my hand in my pocket when she wants it, although I'm married to her, I have got the mindset that i'm not!, it just helps.
I have the kids tonight, really looking forward to it, I hate not seeing them.
She is getting in touch with me, I am not contacting her just answering back.
I spoke to a friend of ours at the weekend, and told her what had happened, she couldn't believe it and I asked her to keep it quiet, anyway she called me today to say that my wife had been in touch with her, sending her funny texts etc, but never mentioned what had happened, she actually said that if she is not telling her, then it looks like it's not a permanment situation, and she doesn't want people to know?, not sure myself, maybe she just wants to keep it private for now.
Anyway I move on, keep my head up, look after me and the kids, and what will be will be!!!!
Thanks for listening
My response to that would have a been a simple... "You MUST have money because you rented a new place to live and bought new furniture, don't worry about what I spend money on when I obviously didn't have a say on what you spent money on."
You will begin to see another side to her, an angrier side, a side of her that tries to push you down and walk all over you. The time you've been separated is very little and the crap behavior like this attitude about demanding money is only the beginning.
She sent me another text last night asking for more money for things, I sent one back telling her I just cannot do it all!
She phoned me back and said that she had a lot to pay out with her new house and that I needed to pay for more things for the kids, I said that I was in the situation and would help if I could.
She then said that I should have moved out and sorted my issues out then came back!!!, rather than not going and therefore forcing her to leave and taking the children from their home, I said that I didn't want to leave my family, I never expected that we would split, but I have to work on me to make things right.
She was fine about it and said that we needed to sort the money side out.
By the sound of what she is saying this split is a temporary situation until I can show her my changes, she has never mentioned divorce and never pushed that I sell the house, so I guess its all down to me now to show her the changes in me.
The kids were great last night we had loads of laughs and they kept telling me how they missed me and loved me, broke my heart hearing them say that.
It's was the first time she has actually spoken to me properly in a week and it sounds like the reality of everything is starting to hit home, so do I continue to make no contact and stay detached, or do I start contact and try and show her the changes?
But it sounds like there could be a future for us, but it's down to me to make it happen.
Look I mentioned in another post that she would continue this way of demanding money and resources from you and this is where you will need to stand up for yourself instead of being weak and wussy like and giving her excuses as to why you can't do it.
You WON'T do it, not that you CAN'T do it.
Originally Posted By: DCSUK
...She phoned me back and said that she had a lot to pay out with her new house and that I needed to pay for more things for the kids, I said that I was in the situation and would help if I could.
Didn't she give you excuses as to why she couldn't help with the bills and the mortgage of the home that you both have your names on? She certainly doesn't have a problem exhibiting confidence in her decision not to help you. She told you in her own way, that the house and the bills associated with it are YOUR problem, NOT her's anymore.
Your response is simple: "Look, you decided to get a new place and you will have to be a big girl now and figure out how to handle the expense of living on your own. I didn't make you move out. I didn't decide for you to get a new place. You made all those decisions on your own without me and you assumed that you can just demand for me to finance your new life, and you need to know that I won't be doing that for you. Since you made all those decisions, you now have to figure out how to live on your own without my help since you offered the same option to me. FYI - from now on, I will take care of myself and my children when they're with me and you will have to learn to do the same at your end when you have them. You chose all of this, now deal with the consequences."
Your response is simple: "Look, you decided to get a new place and you will have to be a big girl now and figure out how to handle the expense of living on your own. I didn't make you move out. I didn't decide for you to get a new place. You made all those decisions on your own without me and you assumed that you can just demand for me to finance your new life, and you need to know that I won't be doing that for you. Since you made all those decisions, you now have to figure out how to live on your own without my help since you offered the same option to me. FYI - from now on, I will take care of myself and my children when they're with me and you will have to learn to do the same at your end when you have them. You chose all of this, now deal with the consequences."
Where's the "STANDING FREAKING OVATION" emoticon???
She then said that I should have moved out and sorted my issues out then came back!!!, rather than not going and therefore forcing her to leave and taking the children from their home, I said that I didn't want to leave my family, I never expected that we would split, but I have to work on me to make things right.
She will need to sort the money side out, do NOT offer to rescue her on this issue, you will do more harm than good and set a precedent that you have done this and will continue to do this whenever she's in a bind.
As for forcing her to move out... was there a gun involved?
From what you said, you came home and the house was empty. This suggests that she had been planning to move out for quite some time. You didn't force her out, her complaint is actually the reverse of this, she couldn't force you out and it made her angry. You didn't get the oh so subtle "GET OUT!!!" hint she had apparently been dropping regularly for you to pick up.
You didn't force her out and don't feel guilty about it when she says this, it's just another way to keep you under her control.
I'm sorry to say it but she doesn't respect you very much (or at all).
Leaving secretly and taking most everything with her in the process is not very honest. If she had to lie and sneak around to facilitate this process of getting a new place to live and organizing movers to pick up stuff while you were out at work, it's very dishonest, she wanted to do this when you weren't there. Makes me wonder what else she has rationalized lying about.
Either way you're fine.
Tell your wife: "...I'm glad you moved out, I'm actually feeling better already, you never gave me space, you never encouraged me or appreciated what I did, you were always angry, moody, demanding, never satisfied, the relationship wasn't mutually beneficial, I was always jumping through hoops trying to make you happy and you never felt the need to do things to make me happy. Nothing was ever enough for you, do you know how depressing that is? That is probably the main reason for my depression, working hard, trying to make you happy and you were always so... BLAH!!!! It affected everything I did, nothing was ever good enough and I was never brave enough to tell you that your behavior was killing me, I was afraid of your reaction, and it sucks beans to live like that, I won't live like that anymore. If you had made plans that this was a temporary separation, let me assure that I've decided that it isn't temporary."
Now is the time for you to give her her walking papers because you've decided that the relationship is over: - tell her "I've had enough!" - Give her notice of "employment termination" ;-) - Give her score card of every item where she failed - Give her the reasons why you can't take her back - Give her the reasons why it would never work out for the two of you - tell her you will be filing for D and any preconceived notions of you supporting her financially for eternity are foolish, you won't be walked on like a doormat anymore, enough is enough
Don't pursue her. Don't beg her. Don't be needy and clingy and appear insecure.
You will act like this is the greatest thing that could have happened and if you're smart, you will make it that way. This decision on her part is her loss, not yours.
...By the sound of what she is saying this split is a temporary situation until I can show her my changes, she has never mentioned divorce and never pushed that I sell the house, so I guess its all down to me now to show her the changes in me.\
More hoops to jump through for you, aren't you tired of jumping through all these hoops trying to "prove" how good you are and that you are a good enough husband? How does that feel?
Do you notice all the decisions she has been making for her life that also affect you? How much input did you have in any of these recent events? Sounds like this is par for the course, she's probably been the leader of the tribe for quite some time now, she's pretty confident in herself, you however don't appear to be confident at all.
While I totally understand where you are coming from on this don't you think this is a little to aggressive after a week?
As I have explained I was not the best husband, I see that now, she moved out to protect her, and whilst I am detaching this seems to push for a response of anger from her?
She is already angry that she has had to move and for the way I have treated her, so to push to make her more angry seems anti-productive?
You guys have been a great help to me and I respect your views totally but to push this hard after a week seems to me to be the wrong approach, I am trying to change to be a better person and a better father to my children, and I will give them what I can, what I don't want to do is continue the fighting with my wife after she has gone, I sick of the fighting, its worn me down so to carry that on is not what I want to do.
Yes I'm standing up for myself, yes I'm going to be strong and say no, but I don't want to push too hard too soon.
I need to let the dust settle and then see where we are.
Sorry, DC, but I agree with Rob on this one. There is nothing "mean" about laying out firm, loving boundaries (don't we do this for our kids?), and your sitch has been going on far longer than a week.
In the short time that I've spent on this forum, it seems to me that the people who waffle around and try the "nice guy" approach are the ones that are stuck.
Had a really good weekend, seen the kids loads, we had a great time.
Played golf with friends yesterday, then went for drinks and a really good meal, went home really content.
But woke up this morning really down, I miss my wife and kids badly, I feel totally lost and cannot concentrate on anything but them, worried about Xmas, worried about the future without them, the uncertainty has suddenly kicked in!
What do I do?, I have had no contact with my wife other then a wave when I pick/drop the kids off, or a text about them, I miss her so badly I feel totally lost.
She has been gone 2 weeks today, I have been fairly positive during that time, but this morning I am hurting badly.
I feel like I need to contact her, to tell her how I feel, but I know thats wrong, just need some help here guys!!
