It takes a bigger man to understand why they would be willing to share their wife with another man in the first place and how to calmly and rationally explain to her that he doesnt want to play that game anymore.
Each & every action Pen has taken thus far, has been done with some sense of control...
Whether it be finances, the son, the house, kicking her out etc....
None of it has been along the lines of "Will this move her closer or further from me"...
IMO it has all been based on emotion and anger, and it shows in his posts so I am sure it shows to her as well.
He needs to calm down, do a reality check and reign in his emotions before he pushes her so far there is no hope of her returning.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
I agree on the tone, Serenity. I was just trying to point out that when one realizes a past grave error in their own judgment, there's nothing that says they can't say "I made a mistake, and I won't live like that anymore."
I can see where your wife may be a bit confused and hurt.
Understatement of the year.
PB, You will need to be wise, loving, strong, in control and compassionate to make this work. You need to look at this like you are looking into a fish bowl to see the big picture and to see yourself in this.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
There is nothing wrong with it at all....The mistake has been made, however instead of going to his W and stating he screwed up, he is shifting the blame onto TKD, her affair 10 years ago, her, the OM etc...Until he realizes he made a huge error in judgement and actually starts there, he will continue to spin in circles.
He doesn't realize he has "control" of where this goes...He is all over the map...Going dark and LRT and dropping the rope and dating etc... Pick one, learn as much as you can to see how it will affect your situation, and apply it.
Sorry for the t/j
(((Hugs)))
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
yes it was mutual the first PA ten years ago. She ended it when we moved in 2003. As we got involved raising our son, I missed the intimacy and kept prying at her to open up and discuss with me, thinking it was the way to achieve the spark and intimacy again. I realize NOW that was wrong. Big time. I think a person can change. I have been faced with the reality I am losing my marriage on my own accord on the things I did. I want to repair it.
My wife IS involved with another man now and I cannot hope to repair my marriage if she remains with him, because she will not be open to and R talk. That is the reason I am using LRT.
I want to work on my responsibility. I am going to face the accountability for my actions one way or another. It does not excuse my wife's part in the last 3 months.
During this whole journey, I am seeing that I was controlling and I did destroy her self esteem. I do not feel good about that.
your points are valid.
I am kicking her out of the house, because this EA/PA with the TKD OM is hers. It was her decision and it is wrong. I have asked her to break it off with him and she refuses so I am left with no choice but to accept the reality and move on with my life. Part of that is for her to accept the responsibility also and move on with her life as she desires. I havee given her the respect she deserves and have accepted that we will probably be divorced.
her leaving is the first step for both of us.
M:42 W:39 S:9 M:20 T:25 D-bomb: 30 Sep 10 Wife changed her mind: 31 Oct 10 Working on it: 31 Oct 10
So check it out-- you did allow it in the past but now that is not your truth anymore-- I get that. I also get taht she is probably confused since it was acecptable in the past but now isn't. The thing is, you guys need to be honest with eachohter. If she's not willing to give him up, you need to decide what you want for you.
I HAVE admitted my part and I have reached out to the MC first for my own well being to discuss for the first time my actions and how they impacted her. I am no saint. I understand actions have consequence and yes I am a passionate person and cannot make any excuses for the past. But I have learned from the mistakes and I may pay the ultimate price. I do not intend to sound controlling. I have disclosed very personal information in the hopes of learning from the insight of folks around here.
In my heart I want to remain with her. I have been up and down and I have tried to find a bearing. I have discovered that the melty man is not going to work with her and yes I have discovered hard ass meanie wont work either.
I called her this afternoon because I had to reply to a family matter and I did discuss rationally, and calmly my role in this using the points Steve asked me to think about it. I told her that I would NEVER do anything to come between our son and her and I would be a full partner in the raising of our son with her.
I also acknowledged to her for the first time I pushed her to the TKD OM by my actions and being selfish with my desires over her own self esteem and I caused the cancer in the marriage. I recognize that I was controlling and did not respect her boundry after she called off the PA from the time 10 years ago.
As for me being emotional and all over the map, MEA CULPA
I am learning as I go.. my processor is a little fried and I am taking a breath.
I am also standing firm on the TKD OM Boundry for her to remain in the house. I am going to remain a little loose on the timeline because she is looking at APT today.
Incidently she is also going to an Attorney tomorrow and that visit will allow the both of us to be repesented for an uncontested divorce. Which I intend to give her.
thanks
M:42 W:39 S:9 M:20 T:25 D-bomb: 30 Sep 10 Wife changed her mind: 31 Oct 10 Working on it: 31 Oct 10
I also acknowledged to her for the first time I pushed her to the TKD OM by my actions and being selfish with my desires over her own self esteem and I caused the cancer in the marriage. I recognize that I was controlling and did not respect her boundry after she called off the PA from the time 10 years ago.
Wrong.
She had the choice, you may have been a jerk, a control freak, as a$$ for all I know, however when push comes to shove, she chose to seek fulfillment elsewhere instead of acting like an adult and coming to you about it.
Own your mistakes, never own the "affair".
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
