Just take comfort in knowing that YOU have no idea what the future will bring. Times change. Feelings change. That is why detaching and moving on is the main thing YOU should be looking to CONTROL.
From reading your sitch, it seems to me that you have looked outside yourself for feelings of reassurance, self-worth, and happiness -- whether from your husband, "internet friends," or otherwise. I understand this and am not judging you. I know it and have been there. We all know it hurts to be "left behind."
BUT, what are YOU going to do today to try to be responsible for your own happiness? To start a better chapter for SoA? I understand you are in pain. How can you refocus your mind? How has the gym been going? How is your room shaping up? Whose the last friend you talked to/went out for a _______ with? What's the latest book you read or movie you saw? What's the last thing you made/did with your hands?
Re: the counselor, I think Steve McQ was saying it was HEALTHY when you wrote that you do not want to be with someone who does not want to be with/love you, and if the counselor has helped get you to that conclusion, then that was a good thing.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
SoA, here's my two cents sorry it's later than I thought. First, I want to tell you that what I am going to tell you is coming from a 2x LBS. First time, I filed a D-no saving it. The second I used DB and we are still together. So, that said, here we go. Just hear my heart. I do want to help but I won't sugar coat.
You are already getting some great advice from other posters. My thoughts will probably echo theirs. Think of what you are going through like the stages of grief because that is what is happening. You are grieving your M. It is over. Your H is choosing to end it and nothing you can do will change that. You are still in heavy denial. You have stated that you were abandoned. That is not true. Your actions put you exactly where you are. You need to work through the grieving process so that you can get to acceptance. You need to accept reality in your situation. No amount of times that you change IC will change reality for you.
You got some great book recommendations. I will add one more. Relationship Rescue by Dr Phil. Now, I am not saying that you can rescue your M. However, this book really helped me search myself. There are many inventories to take to help you get in touch with yourself and what you want in a healthy relationship. It also helped me realize what healthy communication looks like. I never had it so I didn't even know what good communication was.
A few others have tried to suggest that your H is doing something wrong in his actions. I sorry to tell you. He is not. He is DBing to a T except he has also decided that he does not want to continue the M. That is his right. When someone hurts you that deeply, you have to decide if you can rebuild a M with them or ever trust them again. He has obviously decided that he can't. He is doing nothing wrong. He is doing what he needs to do to take care of himself right now and deal with the extreme hurt he is feeling. Oprah says, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." You showed your H and he believed you.
Now, that does not mean that you are only what you did but like others have said, you have to deeply search inside yourself to find out why you did this and how not to do it again. It also does not mean that he did nothing wrong in your M. M takes two people. He had a part in getting it to a point where you did what you did. You have to be careful not to blame him. You must accept responsibility for YOUR actions. But you can acknowledge the things that you would change so you don't repeat it.
As far as the moving issue, I would not discount moving so quickly. Really, consider it. Ponder it. Think about the pros and cons. Do you really want to live in a place where you will always, and I mean always, have a scarlet A on your chest? People in your church have been talking whether you are hearing it or not, whether they are being nice to you or not. It might be easier to get the clarity you need if you move away. I'm not saying do it. I'm just saying really think about it. Don't just discount it because you want to work things out. (I realize he's moved in the meantime but you still need to consider it.)
Well, there it is. Hope it didn't hurt too much. I really am on your side. I hope you can heal from this and go on to a healthy R with someone. Keep working on the detaching and the GAL. That really will help.
I have no interest in a relationship with any man but my husband right now...who of course wants NOTHING to do with me.
And do you KNOW why you do not want anyone but your H?
Listen, let's say that day he met you at the car had played out differently. If you had gone in to find your H in tears and torn up about what he had found on the computer.....and begged you to stop all of that and commit to the M....yada, yada.......what do you think you would have done?
Doesn't matter, but here's the thing sweetie, if your H had pursued you it would have turned you off cold as a fish. You probably won't believe me but all you have to do is read all the LBH's posts of the WAW in A's and see how the W would react when the H would beg, plead, cling, etc.
I used to think I would want to see or hear my H do that just one time......just pursue me once. Well, I did--and it nearly made me sick to stay in the same room! The reason you are wanting your H so badly is b/c he did just exactly what Gucci tells newcomers that's been LB or cheated on. Suddenly, you can think of nothing else but the man you can't have. Works every time! A little thing called human nature.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
because you need to forgive yourself and you can figure out how to do that yourself
tell me something. two things maybe
what was exciting about these internet men and what did your husband not do to satisfy you?
Hmmmm...they noticed me. They were interested in things I had to say, or at least they pretended to be, which is more than I got from my husband. They complimented me. They told me I was beautiful, even sexy. I could prance around the house half naked and my husband wouldn't even notice. And I'm sure there's gonna be some wise guy here that says it's because I'm not attractive or I don't have a nice figure. I'm not bragging...well, maybe only a little, but I look pretty good. My husband and I had sex, maybe...8 to 10 times per year. I'm a young woman, and I'm the one with the high sex drive in this relationship, where his seems to be almost non-existent. I didn't feel like he felt any physical or emotional connection to me. I was starting to feel like our roles were reversed in our relationship because he was too tired to have sex, or had a headache, or whatever. Isn't that the crap that women usually say? I used to tell my girlfriends not to keep sex from their mates because what a person isn't getting at home, they will find a way to get somewhere else. I didn't ever expect that I'd do that myself, and I wish I hadn't, even though my crimes were emotional, not physical, which is just as bad. Now by reading DR, I see how I could have handled things better in this respect, but my attempts to talk to him never did me any good.
I wasn't going run away from my husband or my home. I thought I could get things under control before anything "serious" happened.
And bluestar, you are right, I should have never said my husband abandoned me. Poor choice of words. I should have said...I "feel" like he abandoned me.
You sound a lot better. You're thinking about causes, accepting responsibility, but not beating yourself up. We all make mistakes that we have to live with.
The hardest part is figuring out how to forgive yourself for the mistakes. Understanding them is the first step.
Sorry to hold your feet to the fire again...but you said that your crimes were just "emotional". That is not true and I'm sure your H doesn't see it that way either. While you haven't actually explained your Skype adventures, you have said that you did things you were ashamed of. That broke the physical affair barrier. When you show a private part of your body to someone outside of your marriage even "only over the internet", that is still a physical affair.
And let me give you some food for thought...how do you know that the men that you did these things with didn't record what you did? You're going to have to live with the knowledge that you sent illicit interactions out over the internet and someone who knows what they are doing could have captured them. Also, some of these men could have "friended" you for that purpose. Predators use the internet to take advantage of women in this way but you are the one left facing the consequences.
I understand that you feel abandonded but the distinction is important. You weren't and you should remind yourself of that when those feelings creep in. Just like the emotional vs physical A question, it is important that you face the hard facts of what you did as ugly as it is because the more you allow yourself to wallow in denial, the harder it is for you to recover.
I'm not saying these things to punish you. I want you to get healthy and be able to move forward. In order to do that, you have to get real with what you did. Sometimes, it takes people outside your situation to help you see it clearly. You do sound much more like you get it now than when you first posted. Hopefully, you can use the clarity that comes with something like this to make your life better long term.
